hackthis_archive | (no subject)

Shut up.

oh, you hurt the ones you love!

One day Jake was looking in his kitchen cabinet, and it occured to him, this wasn't his home, it was just the place he happened to live. He thought about what his home would look like, blinking from apartment in a doorman building to Cape Cod bungalow to a tract home in the Valley. Each one spun through his mind like exploding soap bubles. The image he was left with was Jared's face. He yanked the box of Cocoa Pebbles off the shelf with so much force the contents went flying across the room.

(you know, I never did write any rps for Highway)

Oh my god. Did I tell you that Jake, Jared and Claire Danes were in a dream I had on Wednesday night? We were going to the beach in this crazy 1950's Cadillac. It was a aqua colored, and had seats that could expand like wings and required you to wear a motorcycle helmet.

what? NO you did NOT.

hm hm hm

you know I could buy that Toothy is Jake and Jared is the bf. What about you?

I could, except that Jared's already been called out as a completely seperate BV on Ted's column. It's apparently well known that Jared plays for both teams, but his most recent jailbait girlfriends (that Olsen twin among others ain't the wiser). Right. So, Ted says (much like Simon says) that the reason Jared broke up with his last GF was because he decided he was more into one side of the fence than the other. God, if they were dating. K -- that could be the next Color of Wheat.

The True Adventures of Two Bisexual Actors In Love.

*blinks*

Dude. I'm thinking, right, with this new Boom Boom Room, B&G are going to need an ambassador to the gay community. I mean they're tearing down a landmark of some sort, you don't want to alienate the punters. This is the sort of thing that you call your agent and say, so, who can you get me to make this look good. Ari calls back, "I can out half of the Hollywood Hills -- what do you want? Black, white, Latino, girl, boy, both, transsexual, name it."

"I don't know, surprise me."

"Two words, Jared Leto."

"I like it, tell me more."

"Two more words, Jake Gyllenhaal."

"He's out?"

"I didn't know he was in! Don't worry about it, I can get you both, half-price."

"Half-price?"

"Yeah, I know Jared's dealer."

um...

and if I were to buy you Tom Welling, you would write this, right? I mean, I can HELP. no worries. and beta. and pimp. and *head blows up*

This is like an all new level of crack. Ari working as a pimp, err, agent for Brad and George to get Jake and Jared as the gay ambassadors for the new Boom Boom Room. My brain. It's like fucking exploding from the OD.

There are all sorts of 'outings' in the entertainment industry. There's the outing in terms of being fired by your board of trustees, a la, Michael Ovitz, and only finding when you can't get in your office in the morning. There's a Tom Cruise level of outing in which everyone knows your gay, but is too afraid of upseting the golden goose, and your cadre of cult attack dogs, to actually admit it. There's the Harvey Fierstein level of outing, which isn't an out as much as it's redecorating the entire closet and throwing Gay Pride in your front hall. And then there's Jake's level of coming out, which isn't a coming out as much as it's a hesitant sort of, "Do I have enough money to live on when this blows up in my face sort of thing."

After all, Jake is a liberal, and his family loves him, and he'll never lack for money -- but Jake's not stupid. Stupid people don't go to Columbia.

Of course, if Jake were bright then maybe he would know better than to listen to his agent, when she says, "Sweetie, I've got the best job offer ever for you, you will die when you hear it."

"Mia, it's like four o'clock in the morning."

"And your point is what? I know you're up watching those Sci-Fi marathons instead of preparing for your Jarhead press, don't tell me tall tales Jake Gyllenhaal, I know your mother."

And Jake sighs, because Mia does know his mother, and his sister, and his father, and she's not adverse to calling all three to gang up on him when she thinks he's about to do something stupid.

Jake sighs and turns down the volume on Tripping the Rift. "All right, Mia, make me an offer I can't refuse."

...

Jake was watching BSG and Mary Suing himself as Apollo's bf, do NOT front.