hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2003-05-30 11:03 am
hackthis_archive) wrote2003-05-30 11:03 am
What a strange little boy.
Movieverse: X2
A Tragic Affair
Some people believe.
Some people don’t.
Bobby thinks that might be the biggest tragedy of them all: he does still believe, even though he probably shouldn’t.
Of course it wasn’t always like this. They weren’t always like this. Bobby would just like to make that clear from the start.
Most people would say it’s too soon for Bobby to be reminiscing: St. John is still spooned up behind him, blowing little gusts of warm air against the nape of Bobby’s neck. But Bobby’s not an idiot. Young, yes; stupid, no. He can see their ending already, and it makes him feel nostalgic for a better time. Before.
You can’t get an after without a before.
*
In the beginning they were happy. No, not like little girls and boys who dream of whatever, but like friends with benefits. It’s a really stupid phrase but that’s what they were. Are. Again, whatever. That’s not the issue. That’s not what Bobby’s trying to recall. It’s just this:
There was laughter and jokes that went along with the fumbling fingers and stolen moments in closets. Johnny seemed to lurk around every corner, or maybe that was just the way Bobby saw it. He only had eyes for St. John, but he’d like to think that he wasn’t willfully blind. He’d like to think that maybe Johnny cared for him just that little bit. Once upon a time in a mansion far far away.
Maybe it’s Bobby’s fault for even believing that things like that still exist, but after all he’s had to give up he thinks he should at least be allowed to have that illusion.
Somebody has to believe.
*
In the beginning, everything was new. Even though they had been living together for years, sharing the room, wearing each other’s clothing, it wasn’t the same. Nothing was the same as this, them, this thing that they stumbled upon one day. Or one night to be exact.
All those years of sharing beds for comfort: snoring, scratching, being shoved out the bed for hogging too much of the pillow. Everything was such a natural progression, even the way their touches became more tentative, more intimate. And that was good. It was right, as it should have been, and it was welcome and needed.
The first time they kissed Bobby wondered what had taken them so long.
But that was then.
*
‘Then’ is really only last week or last month or perhaps last year, but time is relative. There’s just as much time between their kisses as there is between the lies.
Betrayal lasts just as long as time.
Bobby’s seen the marks on St. John’s back. He knows he didn’t put them there. Yes, they’ve engaged in serious physical activity. Yes, there might have been times when they got rough and there were bruises afterwards, but never anything like that. Bobby never gripped St. John around the waist that hard. He prefers to top from the bottom, and he certainly doesn’t bite hard enough to leave teeth marks.
His belief is no match for his eyes.
*
Bobby knows about Logan.
He knows what Johnny did with Logan, and it makes him ache. It makes him wonder why he wasn’t enough, and he can’t be with someone who makes him question himself like this.
Self-esteem is important to Bobby, and he used to be so proud to be with St. John.
He might even have been in love, but it’s a bit late for that now. Now that he knows he’s being cheated. Now that the future does not include JohnnyandBobby.
It’s a terrible shame, and it hurts Bobby more than he can say, but if he’s a believer then this happened for a reason. Even if Bobby has no idea what it is. Pretending never got him anywhere, so he might as well get out of their bed, too.
Then he’ll stumble off to the bathroom, get dressed, go down the kitchen and maybe he’ll have breakfast with whomever’s up. Maybe it will be Jubilee. Maybe Kitty. Maybe Marie. And yes, thinking of Marie makes him think of Logan, but maybe Marie knows. Maybe she’s hurting just as much as he is.
Maybe she's interested in finding something else to believe in too.
A Tragic Affair
Some people believe.
Some people don’t.
Bobby thinks that might be the biggest tragedy of them all: he does still believe, even though he probably shouldn’t.
Of course it wasn’t always like this. They weren’t always like this. Bobby would just like to make that clear from the start.
Most people would say it’s too soon for Bobby to be reminiscing: St. John is still spooned up behind him, blowing little gusts of warm air against the nape of Bobby’s neck. But Bobby’s not an idiot. Young, yes; stupid, no. He can see their ending already, and it makes him feel nostalgic for a better time. Before.
You can’t get an after without a before.
*
In the beginning they were happy. No, not like little girls and boys who dream of whatever, but like friends with benefits. It’s a really stupid phrase but that’s what they were. Are. Again, whatever. That’s not the issue. That’s not what Bobby’s trying to recall. It’s just this:
There was laughter and jokes that went along with the fumbling fingers and stolen moments in closets. Johnny seemed to lurk around every corner, or maybe that was just the way Bobby saw it. He only had eyes for St. John, but he’d like to think that he wasn’t willfully blind. He’d like to think that maybe Johnny cared for him just that little bit. Once upon a time in a mansion far far away.
Maybe it’s Bobby’s fault for even believing that things like that still exist, but after all he’s had to give up he thinks he should at least be allowed to have that illusion.
Somebody has to believe.
*
In the beginning, everything was new. Even though they had been living together for years, sharing the room, wearing each other’s clothing, it wasn’t the same. Nothing was the same as this, them, this thing that they stumbled upon one day. Or one night to be exact.
All those years of sharing beds for comfort: snoring, scratching, being shoved out the bed for hogging too much of the pillow. Everything was such a natural progression, even the way their touches became more tentative, more intimate. And that was good. It was right, as it should have been, and it was welcome and needed.
The first time they kissed Bobby wondered what had taken them so long.
But that was then.
*
‘Then’ is really only last week or last month or perhaps last year, but time is relative. There’s just as much time between their kisses as there is between the lies.
Betrayal lasts just as long as time.
Bobby’s seen the marks on St. John’s back. He knows he didn’t put them there. Yes, they’ve engaged in serious physical activity. Yes, there might have been times when they got rough and there were bruises afterwards, but never anything like that. Bobby never gripped St. John around the waist that hard. He prefers to top from the bottom, and he certainly doesn’t bite hard enough to leave teeth marks.
His belief is no match for his eyes.
*
Bobby knows about Logan.
He knows what Johnny did with Logan, and it makes him ache. It makes him wonder why he wasn’t enough, and he can’t be with someone who makes him question himself like this.
Self-esteem is important to Bobby, and he used to be so proud to be with St. John.
He might even have been in love, but it’s a bit late for that now. Now that he knows he’s being cheated. Now that the future does not include JohnnyandBobby.
It’s a terrible shame, and it hurts Bobby more than he can say, but if he’s a believer then this happened for a reason. Even if Bobby has no idea what it is. Pretending never got him anywhere, so he might as well get out of their bed, too.
Then he’ll stumble off to the bathroom, get dressed, go down the kitchen and maybe he’ll have breakfast with whomever’s up. Maybe it will be Jubilee. Maybe Kitty. Maybe Marie. And yes, thinking of Marie makes him think of Logan, but maybe Marie knows. Maybe she’s hurting just as much as he is.
Maybe she's interested in finding something else to believe in too.
no subject
*hands kleenex and drugs* I understand your quandry, instinctively I gravitate towards St. John, so for the life of me I can't understand why I keep writing from the Bobby POV. Even when I *try* to wrote the John POV it gets co-opted into Bobby. Feel better!