hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2003-10-21 09:13 am
hackthis_archive) wrote2003-10-21 09:13 am
Entry tags:
Part six.
Previous sections available here.
Telegraph Avenue VI: Title Fight
“I don’t know why I thought you would have dark hair,” Jamie said, peering at Ryan in the odd orange light provided by the street lamps. “But that’s the problem with assumptions, you know? I mean I *assumed* that Seth was going to be spending his birthday with me, but apparently not.”
Jamie’s laugh was dry as he walked around Ryan like a fighter sizing up his opponent. “Of course you know what they say about assumptions,” he began. “Clearly somebody made an ass out of me.”
Ryan remained passive under the scrutiny, but his eyes followed Jamie’s every move. Seth’s life began flashing before his eyes at the scene unfolding, and with the exception of the last few years, most of his life was pretty fucking boring.
“At least you’re attractive, but considering how much Seth talked about you, I figured you’d look more like Brad Pitt and less like Russell Crowe,” Jamie commented as he studied Ryan.
Ryan made a non-committal, “Hmm,” as though the enormous rainbow elephant on the front lawn didn’t bother him all.
Seth reeled.
He didn’t feel that drunk anymore, but his brain was moving slower than the Weather Channel.
The stoners who lived upstairs were playing Bob Marley, and the diffused music kept filtering into Seth’s brain. He needed weed. He also needed to borrow Dorothy’s shoes and perhaps take a tour of Oz. He could leave now. Now would be good.
More than anything else though, Seth needed to remember how to talk, since apparently he’d lost the ability between the car and the apartment. Plus, he had no desire to be around for what might turn into an outtake from Gladiator.
He turned from Ryan to Jamie, the desperation making his palms feel clammy. He opened his mouth to speak, just to say something to defuse the situation he could see getting worse by the second, but again, nothing came out.
As a last resort, Seth bit his lip, hoping the pain would ground him. He wound up tasting Ryan instead and almost choked.
“So, is what he said true?” Ryan asked, turning to Seth after several tension-filled moments.
Ryan’s face was shuttered, lips tightly drawn, and Seth’s stomach began to lurch dangerously. He really wanted to hurl.
“Of course, it’s true,” Jamie retorted, coming to a stop so he could glare at Ryan properly. “Do you think I’d’ve waited out here for most of the day for a random hookup?”
“I didn’t ask you.” Ryan’s tone was calm, but Seth could feel the tension closing around them.
“Your point being *what*?” Jamie snapped.
Ryan cocked his head to the side and eyed Jamie carefully. “Back off, man.”
“Or what? You’ll steal my car? You already stole Seth, isn’t that enough?”
‘I Shot the Sheriff’ clouded Seth’s mind even as Jamie’s words hit home, except nobody had stolen him. He’d gone willingly from Jamie to Ryan and… he was a big ho. Seth had never thought that someday he’d turn out to be a whore like Luke. It was an auspicious occasion. Kind of. But why did Jamie have to mention the whole grand theft auto thing?
Oh, because he was bitter.
Why did Seth tell him in the first place? Oh, because he was stupid.
Ryan was quiet, but he took a giant step away from Seth and towards Jamie.
This step should have brought Ryan and Jamie nose-to-nose, but Jamie stepped back at the last moment. Despite the fact that Ryan was the shorter of the two, it appeared pretty clear to Seth that Jamie wasn’t stupid.
Just angry. Really fucking angry.
As opposed to Ryan who just seemed really hurt.
If Seth weren’t so far in the shit, he probably would have found the posturing really funny. Except it wasn’t. On a scale of badness, this confrontation was easily going into the negative numbers. If Seth didn’t stop fucking around and step up, somebody was probably going to go to jail. Again.
His mumbling couldn‘t be heard by anyone, so he cleared this throat.
“Yeah, yes,” he admitted, finally.
Both men turned to Seth.
“So, he does speak. I thought the guilt might’ve got your tongue,” Jamie mocked. “Or maybe it’s Ryan that’s got your tongue. Is this why you wouldn’t let us meet? Because you could only charm one of us at a time? Big pimping, Seth? It really doesn’t suit you.”
Seth stared. He wanted to believe that he didn’t know this Jamie, but he did. Kind of. This was the Jamie who wouldn’t talk about his exes and wouldn’t let Seth make self-deprecating remarks. This Jamie wouldn’t put up with bullshit; the problem being that Seth had a *lot* of bullshit at the ready. He’d spent his entire life building up his Fortress of Sarcasm and BS to make sure that most people would never get close enough to hurt him. Then Ryan had come along, and then Seth had let Summer in, or vice versa, and it had all been downhill from there.
The realization that Jamie had not only gotten in, but was trying to burn down everything that protected Seth, made his teeth hurt.
He’d never thought of Jamie as the kind of guy who would ruin somebody just to make his point, but all things considered, he couldn’t actually *blame* him.
Seth was going to have to take a different tack. “I couldn’t even pimp someone who was giving it away; knock it off, Jamie.”
“Knock *what* off?” Jamie snapped. “We made plans, Seth, and you fucking bailed on me, for *him*.”
“I know, I know, but that’s not Ryan’s fault.”
Jamie looked down his nose at Ryan for several seconds and then stepped away with a shake of his head. ”You know what? You’re right. It’s not his fault. It’s your fault for being a liar *and* a cheater.”
Seth swallowed and glanced at Ryan briefly. His expression was still blank, but his arms were folded across his chest, and Seth knew “back the fuck off” when he saw it.
True, he had no idea what Ryan was thinking, but he felt pretty certain that it didn’t involve anymore groping against brick walls. To make matters worse, Seth had thought coming out was going to be the big issue, but now that his being gay was all the rage, he began to feel like a reject from Dawson‘s Creek.
Ryan wasn’t supposed to find out like this. Of course Seth had also thought that Ryan found him as attractive as a chia pet.
Shit never worked out the way Seth thought it would.
Jamie’s tirade continued. “You won’t even talk to me when he’s around, so I suppose it’s no wonder you wouldn’t introduce us. At first I thought it was because you had coming out issues, now I’m starting to think you just didn’t want to mess up your game!”
As Jamie closed his distance from Seth, his voice grew louder, and so did the Bob Marley. The music never seemed to drown him out though, and Seth was still jonesing for another beer or some weed or something to alleviate the thrumming in his head and stomach. The problem being that when Seth sobered up or came down, the situation would still be the same. Jamie would still be bitter, Ryan would still be shocked, and he was so far in the shit that it was all he could smell.
“I thought we had something!” Jamie was pretty much shouting in Seth’s face at this point, and Seth couldn’t even turn away. He glanced at Ryan briefly, and the look on his face was somewhere between disbelief and disgust.
Seth couldn’t remember the last time he wanted to cry, but this was really depressing him. He looked at his shoes and tried to figure out how everything had gone so wrong so fast.
Ultimately, he considered himself a pacifist at heart. He didn’t go out looking for fights, since invariably he got his ass kicked, but that never stopped him from standing up for himself, albeit in a snarky, sotto voce.
“It’s not like that, and you know it,” he said finally, talking to his feet.
“Then how is it, Seth? Tell me. *Talk* to me,” Jamie demanded.
Seth looked Jamie in the eye.
“I’m trying, just give me a chance. This conversation wasn’t covered in Dick & Jane!” he shouted.
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t covered in Dick & Dick, either,” Jamie pointed out. “But at least I’m trying to have it.”
Seth sighed. Jamie shook his head.
“This is between you guys,” Ryan announced as he broke away from the scene and headed for the porch. Seth’s eyes followed Ryan’s form as he trudged up the stairs and scrabbled at the lock with his keys for several seconds.
“Ryan,” Seth called, not sure what else he wanted to say. He moved around Jamie and took a few halting steps towards the porch, but Ryan opened and shut the door behind him without looking back. Seth’s heart stopped.
“If you wanted him, you never should have dated me.” Jamie’s voice came from right behind Seth. He could even feel Jamie’s breath on the nape of his neck.
He shivered and sighed. “It’s not like that,” he protested again, half-heartedly. Except it was like that, and clearly Seth did not have a future as a double agent, unless it was as Double-O Busted.
He turned around expectantly, waiting for the Wrath of Jamie to continue. What he came face to face with was much worse.
Jamie looked just as hurt as Ryan. His eyes were sad, and it was all Seth’s fault.
“You lied to me, and you lied to him,” Jamie gestured toward the house with the yellow package in his hand. “You let me believe you cared about me, but the entire time you were trying to use me to get to him, weren’t you?”
Seth was horrified.
“Dude, how the hell can you say that; Ryan is my *friend*. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s been my only good friend. But you know, the key word there is “friend“; and just because I didn‘t go all Rosie O‘Donnell doesn’t mean I never liked you. I know I messed up, but the fact that you even think I would do something like that is just --” Seth gestured helplessly with his hands.
This was so much worse than bad that he couldn’t even find the right words anymore.
Jamie reached up and tapped Seth on the forehead with the package. It made a clunking noise. “If you think you can’t have feelings for somebody because you’re friends with them, then you’re even more cracked than I ever thought.”
Seth dodged away from the tapping. “I’m not cracked.”
He glared while Jamie rubbed his mouth thoughtfully.
When Jamie sighed, Seth’s glare slipped away. He kept getting distracted by Jamie’s lips. A little voice in his brain kept wanting to know why he was this close to Jamie and they weren’t kissing.
Seth’s eyes widened as Jamie’s hand fell away, and he nodded his head. “You’re right, you’re just young,” he amended eventually.
“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re 21, not 41! Stop acting like you’re so much wiser than me,” Seth snapped.
“Not wiser, just more experienced.”
“Fuck you,“ Seth shot back hotly.
Jamie’s smile was entirely too bright. “I don’t think so.”
“Oh, that’s real mature.”
Jamie shrugged and remained quiet for several seconds. He shifted the package to his other hand and ran his fingers through his hair.
Seth didn’t know what else to say. Breaking up with Summer hadn’t been nearly this emotional, and at least Seth had seen that coming. He liked Jamie; he didn’t want to lose him.
He just wanted to stop feeling like he was stuck in a chick flick.
“Newport is a long way from Albany, New York,” Jamie said finally.
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing,” Jamie mused. “And everything. Where I come from, when you’re with somebody, you’re *together*. You spend time with them. You make an *effort*.”
Seth thought about all the studying and papers he’d written early. He thought about the clubs and the performances. He’d practically broken his neck boarding up San Pablo. He *had* made an effort. If Jamie wanted blood, he was going to have to go to the Red Cross.
When he tried to protest, Jamie cut him off.
“You introduce your boyfriend to your friends, Seth,” he said pointedly. “You don’t treat them like shit when all they want is to make you happy, and if you decide you want somebody else, you break up. ”
The more Jamie preached the more heated Seth became. He wasn’t a bad guy, and he’d tried. Maybe he wasn’t the world’s best boyfriend, but he liked Jamie. What the hell did he want from him anyway?
When Jamie shook his head and moved away, Seth grabbed at his arm.
“I tried,” he protested. “I’m *trying*.”
Seth let go of the worn corduroy sleeve when Jamie turned back around. “I’m not saying I’m Dr. Phil or whatever, I’m not going to be perfect, but I’m trying. I like you; I’m not trying to hurt you, but Ryan, he’s the only person who’s ever liked *me* and I’m not going to give that up.”
“I like you, too,” Jamie began, but this time it was Seth who cut him off.
“I know I should have told him, and I’m sorry if you thought I was being all secretive or whatever, but he’s my friend and I wanted to tell him in my way. I don’t think that makes me a baby killer!”
The Bob Marley from the top floor began to give Seth a headache.
“No, it just means you guys have unresolved issues,” Jamie interjected.
“What? Dude, no.”
“Dude, *yes*,” Jamie corrected. “If you’re trying to tell me there’s not something going on with you two, then you either think I‘m an idiot,” he gestured to the wrinkled state of Seth’s clothing, “or you really are in some three-feet-deep denial.”
Seth tried to protest again, but he was silenced when Jamie put his hand over Seth’s mouth. His eyes glittered in the strange orange light, and Seth blinked rapidly as Jamie studied him silently. There was no doubt in his mind that he was attracted to Jamie, of course that didn’t really matter at this point since he’d fucked it all up.
Seth’s life officially sucked a big one.
“Here’s some advice from me to you, because even if you are a shit who‘s left me with a refrigerator full of chocolate cupcakes, I still like you. Quit the denial, it’s not working. Figure out what the hell you want, and go get it. If you want Ryan, then more power to you; I hope it works out,” Jamie paused. “But if you want me, well, I’m not sure that’s possible anymore unless you agree to make some huge changes in your life.”
Pulling his hand away from Seth’s mouth, Jamie pressed the yellow package into Seth’s chest. Seth grabbed for it clumsily.
“Happy Birthday, Seth Cohen,” he said, walking away backwards. “I hope you get everything you want this year.”
As Seth watched, Jamie turned smartly on his heel and began walking towards Telegraph Avenue. His figure grew smaller and darker as he walked into the night. Eventually he faded away, leaving Seth standing on the grass outside his apartment building feeling very sober and very alone.
Despite everything, he could feel the ghosts of Jamie’s hand over his mouth and Ryan’s hand on the small of his back.
Seth wasn’t sure how long he stood there, but when the music from upstairs cut off, it jarred him out of whatever reverie he’d been stuck in. He looked down at the present in his hands and pulled at the red ribbon tied around it absently. The ribbon fell away, and Seth unwrapped the present slowly. His throat constricted when his fingers uncovered a plastic jewel case and heavy glossy paper.
He clutched at the comic book as he turned the homemade CD over in his fingers.
He’d really jacked this one up. Words couldn't even begin to describe how badly.
The stoners upstairs stuck The Verve on their stereo, and Seth’s mood on the depressed meter moved from Sylvia Plath to Kurt Cobain. Just when he thought things couldn’t get worse.
Life sucked; he was an idiot, and things weren’t even resolved yet.
He would never remember how the hell he got into the house and up the stairs, but outside the door of his apartment, Seth hovered for several minutes trying to prepare himself for whatever was about to happen with Ryan.
He wondered briefly why he didn’t walk around with a crash helmet on at all times given his propensity to fuck things up.
Taking a deep breath, he slipped the CD case in his back pocket and rolled up the comic book in his hand. Remembering all the bad things that happened when he made plans, he opened the door and stepped inside, wondering who was going to get shot this time.
Ryan’s backpack was on the sofa, and when Seth shut the door behind him, Ryan emerged from his bedroom with his arms full of books.
A little voice in Seth’s head belligerently complained about the lack of groping that was happening now that they were home; and Seth smacked himself in the forehead to shut his brain up. Gropage was truly the least of his problems now.
Seth shifted from one leg to the other as Ryan moved across the room, sat down on the sofa, and began loading his bag. Not once did he look at Seth, and every brain cell in Seth’s head went on red alert.
Ryan never ignored him. Ever.
This was really fucking bad.
“I, uh,” Seth paused. He what? Where the hell could he possibly begin to apologize for all the shit he’d just done? He was sorry he’d hidden Jamie? Sorry he hadn’t trusted Ryan enough to tell him? Sorry Ryan had found out at all? Fuck, he would be apologizing for the rest of his life at this rate.
“Where are you -- are you, um, going to A&E to study?”
Ryan pointedly kept stuffing books in his bag. Seth looked around helplessly, before his eyes came to rest on the toes of his sneakers. They were all scuffed up from the bar, and he hadn’t even noticed before. For obvious reasons.
He tried again. “You could study here, I could go --”
“To your *boyfriend’s* house?” Ryan asked.
From anybody else, that tone would have sounded curious, but Seth caught the edge on the word “boyfriend.” Probably because the word wasn’t an edge as much as it was a cliff just waiting for Seth to jump without a parachute.
“No,” he began, but never actually finished the thought.
Apparently Ryan had some things to say. He was up and across the room before Seth could even tense up.
“Are you trying to tell me that that guy wasn’t your boyfriend? Are you trying to tell me that you just argued for twenty minutes with some random guy? What the hell do you think this is, Seth? You’ve been dating some guy and didn’t even feel like you needed to tell me about it when I had my tongue in your *mouth*; I asked you if you had plans and you said no! Don’t you think you should have mentioned the guy waiting at home, or has cheating becoming your new *thing*?!”
Seth’s mouth dropped open as Ryan raged, and his fingers closed tightly around the comic book in his hand. A combination of worry, fear and anxiety made Seth feel sick all over again.
Ryan was never a huge conversationalist and most times he didn’t say much at all. Seth had never seen him like this: face flushed, eyes dark, tongue sharp and then there was the *yelling*.
“You *lied* to me. I fucking knew you were up to something, but I kept waiting for you to tell me, because that’s how I thought it worked. How I thought *we* worked. You went on and on about missing me, so you went out and found somebody new. Is that it?“
Seth sputtered helplessly as Ryan spun around, grabbed his bag, and prepared to leave. The only thing stopping him was Seth standing directly in his path.
“It wasn’t like that,” Seth protested as Ryan glared at him pointedly.
“It wasn’t? Then tell me what it was like, since it’s not as though I know anything about it.”
Seth winced, but Ryan’s glare remained implacable. He shifted his backpack onto his other shoulder. “Well?”
The comic book in Seth’s hand crinkled as he squeezed it tighter. “I liked him; I do like him. He’s a good guy, Ry.”
Ryan’s right temple twitched, and Seth’s palms began to sweat on the comic. “He’s a philosophy major, and he plays the guitar. His favorite color is dark green, and he has a little sister named Olivia in the 6th grade. He collects Johnny: the Homicidal Maniac, and he doesn’t own a Playstation. He sings, a lot, and he’s good. And he *likes* *me*, Ryan. Do you know how long it‘s been since somebody‘s told me that?” The desperation seeped into Seth’s litany of its own accord.
Ryan stared, and for a second, Seth thought he’d gotten somewhere.
“What kind of bullshit is that!” Ryan railed. Seth was crushed. “Are you telling me that Summer never liked you? What about Jenny, that girl you dated first semester? You have your parents, and what am I? Does my liking you not count?”
“We’re friends,” Seth said pointedly. “That so doesn’t count.”
“What do you mean that doesn’t count? Is this about sex? Are you just experimenting?”
Ryan was aghast. Seth was appalled. “Not that I am, but if I was I don’t see how it‘s your business. It’s not like I’m the one who pushed somebody against a *wall*.”
“I didn’t hear you complaining at the time!“ Ryan shouted.
“I didn’t even know you were gay until three hours ago!” Seth retorted.
“All you had to do was *ask*.”
“Right, because you really would’ve responded well if I’d turned to you randomly and said ’Hey, Ry, I’ve never thought of you as a brother, because incest really isn’t my thing. But I think you’re really hot, and if you ever wanted to fool around and completely ruin our relationship, that’s fine with me,‘” Seth sneered.
“We’ll never know now, will we?”
The ticking in Ryan’s temple hadn’t abated, and Seth could feel the perspiration beading on his forehead.
This was *officially* the worst day of his life.
The comic book crumpled in Seth’s fist more, and he finally glanced down at what he was doing. His heart twisted painfully as he realized how angry he’d become. How badly this all was going.
Everything had been going so well before. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
“I need to go,” Ryan said.
Seth prepared to step aside and then held up his hand to stop Ryan. “No, not yet,” he decided. “If you’re feeling bitter because you’re feeling left out, right now you can hear it all, and join the 'Seth Cohen is a Wanker' Bitterness Club of which there has to be at least one member at all times.”
“I don‘t --” Ryan started and then stopped. “It’s too late for that.”
“Well, then I’ll just be too late and the Red Queen can cut off my head.”
Rocking back on his heels, Seth tried to figure out where to start and opted to let everything roll. “I like Jamie, Jamie likes me, but he thinks I have major issues with *you* so he won’t date me anymore. I keep trying to convince myself he’s wrong, but I know he’s not. I had feelings for you long before he ever came along, but I figured they were pointless, because you’re you and that’s why you’ll always be the cool guy from Chino. I know you’re the one that everyone wants.”
Ryan tried to interrupt, but Seth carried on.
“You’re never around. You work all the time and you never want to go out. It’s like ever since Marissa went away you’re hibernating and waiting for her to come back. Dude, newsflash: she’s dating Dave, the yuppie from Boston. I don’t think she wants you back, but *I* do want you. Yes, me.”
Seth drowned out whatever Ryan was attempting to say. “It‘s not like we‘ve ever even talked about the whole gayness thing though; I‘m not Miss Cleo! And I‘m sorry that I didn‘t want to wreck the best birthday ever by randomly bringing up the guy I was seeing, but excuse me for being happy that I finally had everything I wanted!”
Seth stopped to breathe, and Ryan finally spoke up. “Are you finished?’
“No, not yet. I’d also like to point out that I put you first, that I *always* put you first, even when I was dating Summer, and I’m sorry it hurt Jamie, but I’m not sorry that I got to spend the day with you. I like Jamie, but that’s never going to compare to us. Even if you never speak to me again, and I die a celibate monk because this has probably put me off relationships forever, I’m not sorry that you kissed me. I’m definitely not sorry you groped me against the wall; I’m just sorry that it all didn’t happen sooner.”
Seth finally stopped talking, and Ryan considered him carefully until he was sure that Seth had run out of steam.
Realizing Ryan wasn’t going to say anything, Seth lowered his hand and stepped aside.
When Ryan walked out the door, Seth felt as though someone had died; and the comic book he had been clutching so tightly, slipped out of his hand and onto the floor.
-On to part VII
Notes: I’m so depressed. I need a drink.
*Title song provided by The Charlatans. For those feeling bellicose, yet depressed, I also recommend The Flaming Lips “Fight Test.”
*As always thanks to the tag team of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
serialkarma and ethrosdemon for making things better.
“I don’t know why I thought you would have dark hair,” Jamie said, peering at Ryan in the odd orange light provided by the street lamps. “But that’s the problem with assumptions, you know? I mean I *assumed* that Seth was going to be spending his birthday with me, but apparently not.”
Jamie’s laugh was dry as he walked around Ryan like a fighter sizing up his opponent. “Of course you know what they say about assumptions,” he began. “Clearly somebody made an ass out of me.”
Ryan remained passive under the scrutiny, but his eyes followed Jamie’s every move. Seth’s life began flashing before his eyes at the scene unfolding, and with the exception of the last few years, most of his life was pretty fucking boring.
“At least you’re attractive, but considering how much Seth talked about you, I figured you’d look more like Brad Pitt and less like Russell Crowe,” Jamie commented as he studied Ryan.
Ryan made a non-committal, “Hmm,” as though the enormous rainbow elephant on the front lawn didn’t bother him all.
Seth reeled.
He didn’t feel that drunk anymore, but his brain was moving slower than the Weather Channel.
The stoners who lived upstairs were playing Bob Marley, and the diffused music kept filtering into Seth’s brain. He needed weed. He also needed to borrow Dorothy’s shoes and perhaps take a tour of Oz. He could leave now. Now would be good.
More than anything else though, Seth needed to remember how to talk, since apparently he’d lost the ability between the car and the apartment. Plus, he had no desire to be around for what might turn into an outtake from Gladiator.
He turned from Ryan to Jamie, the desperation making his palms feel clammy. He opened his mouth to speak, just to say something to defuse the situation he could see getting worse by the second, but again, nothing came out.
As a last resort, Seth bit his lip, hoping the pain would ground him. He wound up tasting Ryan instead and almost choked.
“So, is what he said true?” Ryan asked, turning to Seth after several tension-filled moments.
Ryan’s face was shuttered, lips tightly drawn, and Seth’s stomach began to lurch dangerously. He really wanted to hurl.
“Of course, it’s true,” Jamie retorted, coming to a stop so he could glare at Ryan properly. “Do you think I’d’ve waited out here for most of the day for a random hookup?”
“I didn’t ask you.” Ryan’s tone was calm, but Seth could feel the tension closing around them.
“Your point being *what*?” Jamie snapped.
Ryan cocked his head to the side and eyed Jamie carefully. “Back off, man.”
“Or what? You’ll steal my car? You already stole Seth, isn’t that enough?”
‘I Shot the Sheriff’ clouded Seth’s mind even as Jamie’s words hit home, except nobody had stolen him. He’d gone willingly from Jamie to Ryan and… he was a big ho. Seth had never thought that someday he’d turn out to be a whore like Luke. It was an auspicious occasion. Kind of. But why did Jamie have to mention the whole grand theft auto thing?
Oh, because he was bitter.
Why did Seth tell him in the first place? Oh, because he was stupid.
Ryan was quiet, but he took a giant step away from Seth and towards Jamie.
This step should have brought Ryan and Jamie nose-to-nose, but Jamie stepped back at the last moment. Despite the fact that Ryan was the shorter of the two, it appeared pretty clear to Seth that Jamie wasn’t stupid.
Just angry. Really fucking angry.
As opposed to Ryan who just seemed really hurt.
If Seth weren’t so far in the shit, he probably would have found the posturing really funny. Except it wasn’t. On a scale of badness, this confrontation was easily going into the negative numbers. If Seth didn’t stop fucking around and step up, somebody was probably going to go to jail. Again.
His mumbling couldn‘t be heard by anyone, so he cleared this throat.
“Yeah, yes,” he admitted, finally.
Both men turned to Seth.
“So, he does speak. I thought the guilt might’ve got your tongue,” Jamie mocked. “Or maybe it’s Ryan that’s got your tongue. Is this why you wouldn’t let us meet? Because you could only charm one of us at a time? Big pimping, Seth? It really doesn’t suit you.”
Seth stared. He wanted to believe that he didn’t know this Jamie, but he did. Kind of. This was the Jamie who wouldn’t talk about his exes and wouldn’t let Seth make self-deprecating remarks. This Jamie wouldn’t put up with bullshit; the problem being that Seth had a *lot* of bullshit at the ready. He’d spent his entire life building up his Fortress of Sarcasm and BS to make sure that most people would never get close enough to hurt him. Then Ryan had come along, and then Seth had let Summer in, or vice versa, and it had all been downhill from there.
The realization that Jamie had not only gotten in, but was trying to burn down everything that protected Seth, made his teeth hurt.
He’d never thought of Jamie as the kind of guy who would ruin somebody just to make his point, but all things considered, he couldn’t actually *blame* him.
Seth was going to have to take a different tack. “I couldn’t even pimp someone who was giving it away; knock it off, Jamie.”
“Knock *what* off?” Jamie snapped. “We made plans, Seth, and you fucking bailed on me, for *him*.”
“I know, I know, but that’s not Ryan’s fault.”
Jamie looked down his nose at Ryan for several seconds and then stepped away with a shake of his head. ”You know what? You’re right. It’s not his fault. It’s your fault for being a liar *and* a cheater.”
Seth swallowed and glanced at Ryan briefly. His expression was still blank, but his arms were folded across his chest, and Seth knew “back the fuck off” when he saw it.
True, he had no idea what Ryan was thinking, but he felt pretty certain that it didn’t involve anymore groping against brick walls. To make matters worse, Seth had thought coming out was going to be the big issue, but now that his being gay was all the rage, he began to feel like a reject from Dawson‘s Creek.
Ryan wasn’t supposed to find out like this. Of course Seth had also thought that Ryan found him as attractive as a chia pet.
Shit never worked out the way Seth thought it would.
Jamie’s tirade continued. “You won’t even talk to me when he’s around, so I suppose it’s no wonder you wouldn’t introduce us. At first I thought it was because you had coming out issues, now I’m starting to think you just didn’t want to mess up your game!”
As Jamie closed his distance from Seth, his voice grew louder, and so did the Bob Marley. The music never seemed to drown him out though, and Seth was still jonesing for another beer or some weed or something to alleviate the thrumming in his head and stomach. The problem being that when Seth sobered up or came down, the situation would still be the same. Jamie would still be bitter, Ryan would still be shocked, and he was so far in the shit that it was all he could smell.
“I thought we had something!” Jamie was pretty much shouting in Seth’s face at this point, and Seth couldn’t even turn away. He glanced at Ryan briefly, and the look on his face was somewhere between disbelief and disgust.
Seth couldn’t remember the last time he wanted to cry, but this was really depressing him. He looked at his shoes and tried to figure out how everything had gone so wrong so fast.
Ultimately, he considered himself a pacifist at heart. He didn’t go out looking for fights, since invariably he got his ass kicked, but that never stopped him from standing up for himself, albeit in a snarky, sotto voce.
“It’s not like that, and you know it,” he said finally, talking to his feet.
“Then how is it, Seth? Tell me. *Talk* to me,” Jamie demanded.
Seth looked Jamie in the eye.
“I’m trying, just give me a chance. This conversation wasn’t covered in Dick & Jane!” he shouted.
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t covered in Dick & Dick, either,” Jamie pointed out. “But at least I’m trying to have it.”
Seth sighed. Jamie shook his head.
“This is between you guys,” Ryan announced as he broke away from the scene and headed for the porch. Seth’s eyes followed Ryan’s form as he trudged up the stairs and scrabbled at the lock with his keys for several seconds.
“Ryan,” Seth called, not sure what else he wanted to say. He moved around Jamie and took a few halting steps towards the porch, but Ryan opened and shut the door behind him without looking back. Seth’s heart stopped.
“If you wanted him, you never should have dated me.” Jamie’s voice came from right behind Seth. He could even feel Jamie’s breath on the nape of his neck.
He shivered and sighed. “It’s not like that,” he protested again, half-heartedly. Except it was like that, and clearly Seth did not have a future as a double agent, unless it was as Double-O Busted.
He turned around expectantly, waiting for the Wrath of Jamie to continue. What he came face to face with was much worse.
Jamie looked just as hurt as Ryan. His eyes were sad, and it was all Seth’s fault.
“You lied to me, and you lied to him,” Jamie gestured toward the house with the yellow package in his hand. “You let me believe you cared about me, but the entire time you were trying to use me to get to him, weren’t you?”
Seth was horrified.
“Dude, how the hell can you say that; Ryan is my *friend*. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s been my only good friend. But you know, the key word there is “friend“; and just because I didn‘t go all Rosie O‘Donnell doesn’t mean I never liked you. I know I messed up, but the fact that you even think I would do something like that is just --” Seth gestured helplessly with his hands.
This was so much worse than bad that he couldn’t even find the right words anymore.
Jamie reached up and tapped Seth on the forehead with the package. It made a clunking noise. “If you think you can’t have feelings for somebody because you’re friends with them, then you’re even more cracked than I ever thought.”
Seth dodged away from the tapping. “I’m not cracked.”
He glared while Jamie rubbed his mouth thoughtfully.
When Jamie sighed, Seth’s glare slipped away. He kept getting distracted by Jamie’s lips. A little voice in his brain kept wanting to know why he was this close to Jamie and they weren’t kissing.
Seth’s eyes widened as Jamie’s hand fell away, and he nodded his head. “You’re right, you’re just young,” he amended eventually.
“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re 21, not 41! Stop acting like you’re so much wiser than me,” Seth snapped.
“Not wiser, just more experienced.”
“Fuck you,“ Seth shot back hotly.
Jamie’s smile was entirely too bright. “I don’t think so.”
“Oh, that’s real mature.”
Jamie shrugged and remained quiet for several seconds. He shifted the package to his other hand and ran his fingers through his hair.
Seth didn’t know what else to say. Breaking up with Summer hadn’t been nearly this emotional, and at least Seth had seen that coming. He liked Jamie; he didn’t want to lose him.
He just wanted to stop feeling like he was stuck in a chick flick.
“Newport is a long way from Albany, New York,” Jamie said finally.
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing,” Jamie mused. “And everything. Where I come from, when you’re with somebody, you’re *together*. You spend time with them. You make an *effort*.”
Seth thought about all the studying and papers he’d written early. He thought about the clubs and the performances. He’d practically broken his neck boarding up San Pablo. He *had* made an effort. If Jamie wanted blood, he was going to have to go to the Red Cross.
When he tried to protest, Jamie cut him off.
“You introduce your boyfriend to your friends, Seth,” he said pointedly. “You don’t treat them like shit when all they want is to make you happy, and if you decide you want somebody else, you break up. ”
The more Jamie preached the more heated Seth became. He wasn’t a bad guy, and he’d tried. Maybe he wasn’t the world’s best boyfriend, but he liked Jamie. What the hell did he want from him anyway?
When Jamie shook his head and moved away, Seth grabbed at his arm.
“I tried,” he protested. “I’m *trying*.”
Seth let go of the worn corduroy sleeve when Jamie turned back around. “I’m not saying I’m Dr. Phil or whatever, I’m not going to be perfect, but I’m trying. I like you; I’m not trying to hurt you, but Ryan, he’s the only person who’s ever liked *me* and I’m not going to give that up.”
“I like you, too,” Jamie began, but this time it was Seth who cut him off.
“I know I should have told him, and I’m sorry if you thought I was being all secretive or whatever, but he’s my friend and I wanted to tell him in my way. I don’t think that makes me a baby killer!”
The Bob Marley from the top floor began to give Seth a headache.
“No, it just means you guys have unresolved issues,” Jamie interjected.
“What? Dude, no.”
“Dude, *yes*,” Jamie corrected. “If you’re trying to tell me there’s not something going on with you two, then you either think I‘m an idiot,” he gestured to the wrinkled state of Seth’s clothing, “or you really are in some three-feet-deep denial.”
Seth tried to protest again, but he was silenced when Jamie put his hand over Seth’s mouth. His eyes glittered in the strange orange light, and Seth blinked rapidly as Jamie studied him silently. There was no doubt in his mind that he was attracted to Jamie, of course that didn’t really matter at this point since he’d fucked it all up.
Seth’s life officially sucked a big one.
“Here’s some advice from me to you, because even if you are a shit who‘s left me with a refrigerator full of chocolate cupcakes, I still like you. Quit the denial, it’s not working. Figure out what the hell you want, and go get it. If you want Ryan, then more power to you; I hope it works out,” Jamie paused. “But if you want me, well, I’m not sure that’s possible anymore unless you agree to make some huge changes in your life.”
Pulling his hand away from Seth’s mouth, Jamie pressed the yellow package into Seth’s chest. Seth grabbed for it clumsily.
“Happy Birthday, Seth Cohen,” he said, walking away backwards. “I hope you get everything you want this year.”
As Seth watched, Jamie turned smartly on his heel and began walking towards Telegraph Avenue. His figure grew smaller and darker as he walked into the night. Eventually he faded away, leaving Seth standing on the grass outside his apartment building feeling very sober and very alone.
Despite everything, he could feel the ghosts of Jamie’s hand over his mouth and Ryan’s hand on the small of his back.
Seth wasn’t sure how long he stood there, but when the music from upstairs cut off, it jarred him out of whatever reverie he’d been stuck in. He looked down at the present in his hands and pulled at the red ribbon tied around it absently. The ribbon fell away, and Seth unwrapped the present slowly. His throat constricted when his fingers uncovered a plastic jewel case and heavy glossy paper.
He clutched at the comic book as he turned the homemade CD over in his fingers.
He’d really jacked this one up. Words couldn't even begin to describe how badly.
The stoners upstairs stuck The Verve on their stereo, and Seth’s mood on the depressed meter moved from Sylvia Plath to Kurt Cobain. Just when he thought things couldn’t get worse.
Life sucked; he was an idiot, and things weren’t even resolved yet.
He would never remember how the hell he got into the house and up the stairs, but outside the door of his apartment, Seth hovered for several minutes trying to prepare himself for whatever was about to happen with Ryan.
He wondered briefly why he didn’t walk around with a crash helmet on at all times given his propensity to fuck things up.
Taking a deep breath, he slipped the CD case in his back pocket and rolled up the comic book in his hand. Remembering all the bad things that happened when he made plans, he opened the door and stepped inside, wondering who was going to get shot this time.
Ryan’s backpack was on the sofa, and when Seth shut the door behind him, Ryan emerged from his bedroom with his arms full of books.
A little voice in Seth’s head belligerently complained about the lack of groping that was happening now that they were home; and Seth smacked himself in the forehead to shut his brain up. Gropage was truly the least of his problems now.
Seth shifted from one leg to the other as Ryan moved across the room, sat down on the sofa, and began loading his bag. Not once did he look at Seth, and every brain cell in Seth’s head went on red alert.
Ryan never ignored him. Ever.
This was really fucking bad.
“I, uh,” Seth paused. He what? Where the hell could he possibly begin to apologize for all the shit he’d just done? He was sorry he’d hidden Jamie? Sorry he hadn’t trusted Ryan enough to tell him? Sorry Ryan had found out at all? Fuck, he would be apologizing for the rest of his life at this rate.
“Where are you -- are you, um, going to A&E to study?”
Ryan pointedly kept stuffing books in his bag. Seth looked around helplessly, before his eyes came to rest on the toes of his sneakers. They were all scuffed up from the bar, and he hadn’t even noticed before. For obvious reasons.
He tried again. “You could study here, I could go --”
“To your *boyfriend’s* house?” Ryan asked.
From anybody else, that tone would have sounded curious, but Seth caught the edge on the word “boyfriend.” Probably because the word wasn’t an edge as much as it was a cliff just waiting for Seth to jump without a parachute.
“No,” he began, but never actually finished the thought.
Apparently Ryan had some things to say. He was up and across the room before Seth could even tense up.
“Are you trying to tell me that that guy wasn’t your boyfriend? Are you trying to tell me that you just argued for twenty minutes with some random guy? What the hell do you think this is, Seth? You’ve been dating some guy and didn’t even feel like you needed to tell me about it when I had my tongue in your *mouth*; I asked you if you had plans and you said no! Don’t you think you should have mentioned the guy waiting at home, or has cheating becoming your new *thing*?!”
Seth’s mouth dropped open as Ryan raged, and his fingers closed tightly around the comic book in his hand. A combination of worry, fear and anxiety made Seth feel sick all over again.
Ryan was never a huge conversationalist and most times he didn’t say much at all. Seth had never seen him like this: face flushed, eyes dark, tongue sharp and then there was the *yelling*.
“You *lied* to me. I fucking knew you were up to something, but I kept waiting for you to tell me, because that’s how I thought it worked. How I thought *we* worked. You went on and on about missing me, so you went out and found somebody new. Is that it?“
Seth sputtered helplessly as Ryan spun around, grabbed his bag, and prepared to leave. The only thing stopping him was Seth standing directly in his path.
“It wasn’t like that,” Seth protested as Ryan glared at him pointedly.
“It wasn’t? Then tell me what it was like, since it’s not as though I know anything about it.”
Seth winced, but Ryan’s glare remained implacable. He shifted his backpack onto his other shoulder. “Well?”
The comic book in Seth’s hand crinkled as he squeezed it tighter. “I liked him; I do like him. He’s a good guy, Ry.”
Ryan’s right temple twitched, and Seth’s palms began to sweat on the comic. “He’s a philosophy major, and he plays the guitar. His favorite color is dark green, and he has a little sister named Olivia in the 6th grade. He collects Johnny: the Homicidal Maniac, and he doesn’t own a Playstation. He sings, a lot, and he’s good. And he *likes* *me*, Ryan. Do you know how long it‘s been since somebody‘s told me that?” The desperation seeped into Seth’s litany of its own accord.
Ryan stared, and for a second, Seth thought he’d gotten somewhere.
“What kind of bullshit is that!” Ryan railed. Seth was crushed. “Are you telling me that Summer never liked you? What about Jenny, that girl you dated first semester? You have your parents, and what am I? Does my liking you not count?”
“We’re friends,” Seth said pointedly. “That so doesn’t count.”
“What do you mean that doesn’t count? Is this about sex? Are you just experimenting?”
Ryan was aghast. Seth was appalled. “Not that I am, but if I was I don’t see how it‘s your business. It’s not like I’m the one who pushed somebody against a *wall*.”
“I didn’t hear you complaining at the time!“ Ryan shouted.
“I didn’t even know you were gay until three hours ago!” Seth retorted.
“All you had to do was *ask*.”
“Right, because you really would’ve responded well if I’d turned to you randomly and said ’Hey, Ry, I’ve never thought of you as a brother, because incest really isn’t my thing. But I think you’re really hot, and if you ever wanted to fool around and completely ruin our relationship, that’s fine with me,‘” Seth sneered.
“We’ll never know now, will we?”
The ticking in Ryan’s temple hadn’t abated, and Seth could feel the perspiration beading on his forehead.
This was *officially* the worst day of his life.
The comic book crumpled in Seth’s fist more, and he finally glanced down at what he was doing. His heart twisted painfully as he realized how angry he’d become. How badly this all was going.
Everything had been going so well before. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
“I need to go,” Ryan said.
Seth prepared to step aside and then held up his hand to stop Ryan. “No, not yet,” he decided. “If you’re feeling bitter because you’re feeling left out, right now you can hear it all, and join the 'Seth Cohen is a Wanker' Bitterness Club of which there has to be at least one member at all times.”
“I don‘t --” Ryan started and then stopped. “It’s too late for that.”
“Well, then I’ll just be too late and the Red Queen can cut off my head.”
Rocking back on his heels, Seth tried to figure out where to start and opted to let everything roll. “I like Jamie, Jamie likes me, but he thinks I have major issues with *you* so he won’t date me anymore. I keep trying to convince myself he’s wrong, but I know he’s not. I had feelings for you long before he ever came along, but I figured they were pointless, because you’re you and that’s why you’ll always be the cool guy from Chino. I know you’re the one that everyone wants.”
Ryan tried to interrupt, but Seth carried on.
“You’re never around. You work all the time and you never want to go out. It’s like ever since Marissa went away you’re hibernating and waiting for her to come back. Dude, newsflash: she’s dating Dave, the yuppie from Boston. I don’t think she wants you back, but *I* do want you. Yes, me.”
Seth drowned out whatever Ryan was attempting to say. “It‘s not like we‘ve ever even talked about the whole gayness thing though; I‘m not Miss Cleo! And I‘m sorry that I didn‘t want to wreck the best birthday ever by randomly bringing up the guy I was seeing, but excuse me for being happy that I finally had everything I wanted!”
Seth stopped to breathe, and Ryan finally spoke up. “Are you finished?’
“No, not yet. I’d also like to point out that I put you first, that I *always* put you first, even when I was dating Summer, and I’m sorry it hurt Jamie, but I’m not sorry that I got to spend the day with you. I like Jamie, but that’s never going to compare to us. Even if you never speak to me again, and I die a celibate monk because this has probably put me off relationships forever, I’m not sorry that you kissed me. I’m definitely not sorry you groped me against the wall; I’m just sorry that it all didn’t happen sooner.”
Seth finally stopped talking, and Ryan considered him carefully until he was sure that Seth had run out of steam.
Realizing Ryan wasn’t going to say anything, Seth lowered his hand and stepped aside.
When Ryan walked out the door, Seth felt as though someone had died; and the comic book he had been clutching so tightly, slipped out of his hand and onto the floor.
-On to part VII
Notes: I’m so depressed. I need a drink.
*Title song provided by The Charlatans. For those feeling bellicose, yet depressed, I also recommend The Flaming Lips “Fight Test.”
*As always thanks to the tag team of
serialkarma and ethrosdemon for making things better.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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