hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2003-10-27 09:38 am
hackthis_archive) wrote2003-10-27 09:38 am
Entry tags:
Part eight.
This is part eight. There are only nine.
(Previous sections available here.)
Telegraph Avenue VIII: The Man That Got Away
Seth sat on the sofa in his living room until five o’clock in the morning, drinking leftover cans of Beast in the dark and waiting for something to happen.
Except nothing did.
Ryan didn’t come home for the second night in a row.
Jamie didn’t call.
People staggered home from Halloween parties and shouted to each other outside the cracked front window.
Somebody somewhere threw up. Tara and Erika came home. The stoners across the hall smoked up. Tom left an answering machine message marveling at Seth’s ability to turn down free booze. The apartment building creaked and shook with the sound of people treading on wooden stairs and turning on ancient water pipes.
He got steadily drunker and drunker until he wound up sober again. His G6 worked through his vast collection of mp3’s, playing everything from A Tribe Called Quest to Weezer as Seth slurred along.
At five o’clock, Seth peeled himself off the sofa and went to bed. He woke up at 10:13 am when his brain registered the sound of the bolt sliding home in the front door.
By the time he stumbled into the living room Ryan was gone, and Seth decided he was unequivocally wrong about everything in his life. Obviously Ryan didn’t have to come home to sleep, and perhaps shackling himself to Ryan’s bed wasn’t a bad idea if Seth ever wanted to see him again.
He’d seen Ryan hurt before: his mom leaving, the break-up with Marissa, but Seth had never seen Ryan respond with this level of avoidance. Then he remembered that they were sharing the *exact* same living space now.
There was no guesthouse for Ryan to retreat to anymore.
Just when Seth thought he couldn’t feel any worse, then he thought about seeing Jamie with *that* guy.
Of course Jamie hadn’t wasted any time in kicking Seth’s scrawny, non-modeling ass to the curb. He’d totally deserved it, but it wasn’t like he’d meant to be a callous, horny asshole. It had just sort of happened that way.
The way most stuff did.
Still, it wasn’t like Jamie had actually *seen* Seth making out with Ryan against some random brick wall on 17th Street.
He’d probably just guessed though.
Seth almost slapped himself in the forehead, but the low-grade hangover from all the cheap beer he’d consumed chose that time to make itself known, and Seth paused mid-slap.
Life couldn’t keep going like this, if for no other reason than Seth couldn’t deal with all these hangovers anymore.
He needed to invest in a better quality of beer at the least.
He dropped down on the sofa dejectedly, and his stomach grumbled about his new 100 proof diet. The rough weave of the sofa was abrasive against his bare back, but he didn’t bother to flinch. He sighed heavily when his eyes fell upon Summer’s present, which he had propped up on the shelf above the television.
It was Seth’s first attempt at decorating their living room, but he still had a lot of work to do. Except he wasn’t sure what the point would be anymore.
He shifted to slump further into the cushions and arched up suddenly when he was poked into the back by something sharp. Reaching backwards, his fingers found a plastic case, and he briefly contemplated seppuku with a plastic knife when he realized what it was.
He hadn’t looked that hard at the CD Jamie had made for him before; apparently he’d sung the whole thing himself, from Wilco and Whiskeytown to Van Morrison.
This time, when Seth went to slap himself in the forehead, he didn’t bother to halt the motion.
He really didn’t think he could feel any shittier.
Something had to give.
Clutching the CD in his left hand as though it were a first-edition JSA, Seth got to his feet and headed straight for the bathroom. He dug into the medicine cabinet until he found the bottle of Ibuprofen, and he swallowed two pills dry, before turning on the shower to let the water get hot.
Heading back into his room, he slipped Jamie’s CD into his stereo, turning it up loud enough that he could hear it over the shower spray in the bathroom. Stripping down, he tossed his dirty clothes into the corner and headed back to the bathroom.
At least he was finally doing something.
Summer would’ve been proud. Or hit him in the head with a random stiletto.
It was a toss-up.
*
Seth’s hair was still damp after he stopped for three slices of greasy pizza and a Coke on Telegraph, but he didn’t think much of it. The crisp Berkeley day felt good through the Cookie Monster shirt he’d pulled on over his blue Oxford shirt with the two missing buttons. His bloodshot eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses, which he normally never wore.
He ran into Maria coming out of the Bath and Body Works on Bancroft, but had to turn down her invitation to go for coffee, promising to call her later because he had something he had to do. When she snarked about his being up before noon, he agreed that normally only funerals and free shit could have provided such avid motivation.
After waving her off, Seth crossed the street to campus and made a beeline for the English/Philosophy/A&E area he now thought of as the Bermuda Triangle. He wasn’t sure who he was looking for, but he felt pretty damn certain that he wasn’t going home until he found someone and something got settled.
Screw the stalking.
He was on his third pass around Wheeler when he caught sight of a blonde head that he would’ve recognized anywhere. Tamping down on the pizza that was threatening to come back up, Seth marched across the green. When he reached his target, he cleared his throat to get attention.
Blue eyes flashed uncertainly when they looked at him.
“Seth?”
Seth’s heart lurched about dangerously at the questionable inflection given his name.
“Can I sit down?” he asked, motioning to the grass across from Jamie.
“I should think so,“ Jamie said, moving his bag to his left so Seth could sit across from him. “Unless you’ve forgotten how recently.”
Seth licked his lips and dropped down on his knees gracelessly. The ground was slightly moist from the rain the day before, but his knees were more dirty than damp as he folded his legs under him.
He looked at Jamie cautiously, thankful for the protection the sunglasses provided. It wasn’t like he’d been crying or anything, but all that drinking probably didn’t have him comparing favorably with the Calvin Klein model he‘d seen Jamie with.
The seconds passed like molasses. Eventually, Seth spoke up. “I think we’re getting the seven-minute pause out of the way, now.”
Jamie’s lips twitched, but he didn’t smile.
“I listened to the CD you made for me,” Seth began again.
Jamie’s mouth twisted into a frown. “Why?”
“Because you made it for me,” Seth said, pointing out the obvious. “And you have a voice like the missing lovechild of David Gray and Rufus Wainwright. Besides, it’ll be worth thousands on eBay some day.”
He smiled tentatively at Jamie.
Jamie groaned and rubbed at his head. “*Seth*,” he began helplessly.
Seth knew that tone. It was not an “everything is cool, that guy was just a friend, let’s get back together and have lots of sex” tone.
That was a “you are *so* dumped” tone.
“I know I fucked up,” he blurted out suddenly. “I’m sorry, I really am. I’ll try harder; I’ll do whatever you want. I like you, I know I’m babbling, just give me a second chance,” he pled. “Don’t – don’t hate me.”
He only realized how true the words were after he’d said them.
He did like Jamie.
He wanted to make things right between them and would be devastated if Jamie hated him. Jamie deserved to be loved and appreciated, but so did Ryan.
Seth didn’t really want to think about what *he* deserved.
Things had to change though, and he was the only one who could make them right. Or close to right. It was pretty fucking obvious that his situation was never going to be ideal. Somebody was going to get hurt anyway he went about it, but the least he could do after all the trouble he’d caused was to be loyal to the person who had wanted him first.
If he had actually realized this two days ago things would probably have been turned out vastly different, but that was kind of like saying if Seth were somebody else he might not like guys at all.
Life was what it was, and maybe, feeling ashamed for being a shit wasn’t the best reason to want to be with somebody, but Jamie had wanted Seth first.
He had *said* something.
Jamie hadn’t lived with Seth for three years without showing the slightest hint of being interested.
So, Seth bit his lip hopefully, and waited as Jamie watched him
“I don’t even care who that guy was last night,” he added on as an afterthought, even though it wasn’t true. He cared. He cared a hell of a lot.
He flinched when Jamie reached out and pulled his sunglasses off, folding them and placing them on his bag. Seth blinked rapidly as the sunlight bounced off his corneas. It was way too fucking bright out to be hungover.
He squinted under Jamie’s scrutinizing gaze, feeling impossibly exposed considering all the layers he was wearing. He squinted harder when Jamie rubbed his neck thoughtfully.
Seth’s hormones surged as Jamie’s fingers slipped under the collar of the pea green coat and dark blue shirt that he was wearing. Seth had never seen either one before.
Jamie looked very fashionable for someone Seth normally saw wearing flannel and faded tee shirts. It was slightly disconcerting.
“You’re lying,” Jamie said finally, and Seth’s palms began to sweat.
He did rejection well; being caught in a lie was an entirely different matter.
“What are you talking about?” Seth’s voice went flat. “Are you telling me that I don’t care for you? Are you calling me a liar?”
Seth could feel the rage beginning to simmer. Who the fuck was Jamie to call him a liar? He wasn’t the one out with another guy on Halloween!
That had been the night *before* Halloween.
Jamie’s smile was twisted and ugly. “I’m saying if anybody should be angry it should be *me*.”
“You were the one who was with somebody else last night,” Seth shot back.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t the one who staggered home looking like he’d been fucked in a back alley.”
Seth gaped, but couldn’t really say anything in response. At least nothing worth hearing. It was obviously not the time to get into his hang-ups about thinking nobody wanted him at all, and Ryan being the only person who he’d ever really needed.
Jamie rubbed at his eyes. “I’m sure you do have feelings for me,” he clarified, effectively shooting down Seth’s bubble of resentment before it could really get off the ground.
“I think you *do* care about who I was with last night. I think it made you jealous as hell and that‘s why your eyes are all red.”
Seth sputtered. “I fucking hate it when you do that!” he shouted finally, drawing the attention of several nearby students.
He glared around him angrily, too upset to care.
He’d tried so hard not to think about how this conversation would go because he knew it would be on par with mass destruction and the horror of being caught jerking off in the shower.
Except he’d been wrong. This was *way* worse.
He exhaled through his nose when he felt Jamie’s hand on his knee. He looked up into wide blue eyes and wanted to scream about the injustice of pimping and bigamy and having hot best friends.
Seth had no business being possessive about anybody, especially considering where that had already gotten him, but that didn’t stop the quick flush of heat that colored his cheeks.
He’d never done the sharing thing real well. Hence the problem now.
“Reading your mind again?” Jamie asked, his amusement clear. His fingers rubbed soothing little circles through the dirt and denim protecting Seth’s knee, and Seth’s hands itched to do something profoundly stupid like trying to hold Jamie’s hand.
Instead, Seth wiped his hands on his jeans.
“It felt pretty shitty, didn’t it?” Jamie carried on. “Seeing the person you want with somebody else.”
Seth’s eyes narrowed as he watched Jamie carefully.
“Is that why you did it? Why you went out with *him*?” He couldn’t keep the vitriol out of his voice. “To make me jealous?”
Jamie’s fingers stopped doing the soothing thing, and Seth missed them when Jamie pulled his hand away.
“That makes no sense, Seth, think about it for a minute. To go out of my way to make you jealous, I would’ve had to have known the exact time that you were coming to a bar where you’re not legal to drink.”
Seth stared at his shoes and pulled at tufts of grass. He could feel Jamie’s eyes boring into the top of his head. “So you’re seeing someone else already?” he inquired sadly.
Jamie’s soft snort didn’t make Seth feel any better, and he was tempted to pull away when Jamie fingers tilted his head up.
“I don’t move that fast, and I would never cheat on you,” he said softly.
Seth’s heart jumped and the hangover he’d forgotten about revved up to full throttle.
Yes, he was clearly The Biggest Shit Ever. Maybe he could get Max to draw him a huge sign, and then he could wander around wearing it on a sandwich board like that guy on Market Street who kept announcing that Jesus was coming.
Despite the fact that Seth was Jewish, he wondered what the ETA was on Jesus’s arrival.
He could’ve used a non-denominational miracle.
“I was out with a friend who was trying to make me feel better,” Jamie carried on. “He just happened to be a guy.”
“Oh.”
Jamie nodded. “Oh.”
Seth continued to pull at the grass underneath him, and was startled when a large tuft landed in his lap.
He looked at Jamie quizzically.
It was like the first time they had met. Only not.
This wasn’t what Seth had meant when he’d made that wish about the time machine. Clearly he needed to be more specific.
That’s what he got for wishing in the first place.
“Does this mean you’ll give me another chance?” he asked hopefully.
“No.”
Seth blinked at Jamie’s instant reply.
“*No*?” Seth repeated.
“No.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “I admit I totally messed up with the whole Ryan thing, but he knows now. I can fix it. Maybe. If he ever comes home again. And if you’re not seeing anybody then…” Seth paused as the truth hit him in the stomach and his lunch lurched around in his gut. “You don’t want me anymore, do you?”
Jamie sighed. “It’s not you,” he began.
Seth scrambled to get to his feet. He got to his knees before Jamie yanked him back down.
He landed awkwardly on his elbow and stilled as Jamie pushed on his chest to keep him from getting away. Around Seth people talked and birds chirped. In Seth’s little world he hoped the ground would open up and give him a one-way ticket to China.
He’d lied before: he never got used to rejection.
“Stop it,” Jamie demanded sharply.
Seth had visions of his birthday, and his palms began to sweat all over again.
“You can’t keep up with the self-deprecating shit,” Jamie said, noticeably lowering his tone at the frantic look on Seth’s face. “*Please*.”
Seth breathed hard through his nose, and his legs twitched as Jamie’s palm rested heavily above his heart. Their tableau didn’t seem very appropriate for a Friday afternoon in the middle of campus, but Seth couldn’t really bring himself to give a shit.
“Why not?” he repeated quietly.
“Because,” Jamie said.
“A philosophy major answering ‘because?’” Seth quipped. “Be careful or you’ll be expelled.”
Jamie gave him a small smile and lifted his hand away. “’Because’ is the place holder to denote an answer that is either self-evident to the speaker or too complex and lengthy to explain at the time.”
Seth stared for a long period of time before he pushed himself up to sitting position, and folded his legs under him again. This time he was close enough that his knee rested against Jamie’s.
He cocked his head to the side as Jamie pointedly looked elsewhere.
“The Ryan thing hurt,” Jamie said, speaking over Seth’s inevitable apologies. “I’m not going to act like it didn’t. But it’s not just that you blew me off for him on your birthday, but that you couldn’t even bring yourself to introduce us beforehand.”
Jamie turned and looked pointedly at Seth as he kept talking. “No, I don’t think you deliberately tried to hurt me, and I’m not saying coming out is easy for anybody, but as much as I like you, Seth, I’ve already been there. I’m out. I’m happy. I don’t need somebody who isn’t proud to be with me.”
Again, Jamie spoke over Seth’s protests.
“I think if you were with Ryan, things might come a bit more naturally.”
Seth stared at Jamie stupidly.
“But -- but,” he sputtered.
“You may want to be with me, but I think you want to be with Ryan more.”
“What? *No*!” Seth protested vehemently.
“Anytime you want to come out of denial, let me know,” Jamie mocked. “I’ll call The Advocate.”
Seth sighed.
This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. He didn’t want to have to think about being with Ryan anymore. He’d stopped having those stupid dreams a long time ago. He wanted Jamie now. Jamie wanted him.
That should've been all that counted.
Seth had spent years trying to find somebody who would want him that way that Jamie had. He’d been trampled by Anna and made-over by Summer. He had dropped anvil-like hints and stared helplessly as Ryan dated girls and buried himself in mountains of books.
Eventually he’d given up.
He couldn’t keep putting himself out there when Ryan wasn’t responding. Or more recently, when Ryan was avoiding him.
Seth couldn’t keep hoping for something that obviously wasn’t meant to be.
Instead of Seth and Ryan it was going to be Seth and Jamie.
Except Jamie didn’t want him, and now he was positive that that fucking time machine wish had been granted. The universe had picked a fine time to start listening to Seth’s birthday wishes.
He wished randomly for a 66 Chevelle in green and a lifetime supply of free Pumas as Jamie studied him intently.
Jamie nudged him in the ribs gently to get his attention. “After we fought on your birthday, what happened when you went back to your apartment? Did you and Ryan fight, too?”
Seth’s mouth opened and a strange squeaking noise escaped.
Jamie smirked. “You did, didn’t you? Did anybody throw anything?”
Seth shook his head, too shocked to say anything. Jamie needed his own Psychic Friends Network; he’d make a killing.
“But you fought badly, right?”
Seth nodded again. Finally the ability to speak came back to him. “How’d you know that? Do I need to call Campus Security?” he quipped lamely.
Their conversation was a serious case of deja vu.
Jamie chuckled and glanced at something over Seth’s shoulder. “Ian and I were like you guys.”
“Ah, Ian, your famous ex.”
Jamie’s right eyebrow arched dramatically. Seth had never seen him do that before.
“Famous, no. Infamous, sure. Who said he was famous anyway?” Jamie queried.
“Nobody.”
Jamie’s look of disbelief said it all. “I heard you came by yesterday,” he commented eventually.
Seth colored.
“I heard you did well on your Psychology exam, too.”
Seth colored even more. “Rusty said that you guys never talked about me,” he protested.
“We didn’t until he called last night wondering why you looked like somebody had died in class. He was the one I was supposed to meet at the Albatross,” Jamie said ruefully. “Ian just happened to be there instead.”
“Just *happened*?”
“Yeah, well, Rusty didn’t show up at the bar. So I’m thinking he tripped and hit his head on your textbook, which kept him from remembering that he’d made plans to meet both of us there. Separately. And if he didn‘t have an accident, he‘s going to, real soon.”
Seth stared. Clearly there were other sides to Jamie than the ones he’d seen in the past three weeks. These other sides just happened to work part time as a fashion model and Tyler Durden.
“You’re going to lay a smackdown?” he gaped.
Nobody had ever fought over Seth before. Except for Ryan, and it wasn’t really *over* him. But there was no need to be technical.
Jamie was appalled. “What? No. Why -- what makes you think I would ever do that?”
Seth’s sigh was a mixture of disappointment and relief. He still didn’t have people fighting over him. “I heard about The Drumstick Incident,” he admitted.
“That was *one* time,” Jamie protested. “God, he’s got a big mouth. I may have to stuff some dirty socks in there or something to shut him up.”
Jamie shook his head.
They were quiet for several seconds as the cool November day washed over them.
“I loved him a lot,” Jamie admitted eventually. Seth almost missed him speaking.
“Ian, not Rusty. I love Rusty too, but not like that,“ he amended. “We, uh, we met my freshman year when his band was advertising for a singer. I was this kid from upstate New York and knew fuck all about life in California; he was this grad student from San Diego. We drove Rusty and Carrie nuts for six months fighting over every aspect of the group. Not like I had any rights as the new kid.”
Jamie laughed. “Of course that didn’t stop me from telling him to suck my dick at least three times a week. Eventually we stopped fighting and started hanging out, and *then* we started dating. We used to do everything together,” he explained.
Seth nodded.
“Like you and Ryan.” Jamie purposely bumped his knee against Seth’s. “It’s hard when you don’t have that anymore.”
Seth was quiet as he continued ripping up the campus green.
Eventually he stopped and determinedly folded his hands in his lap. He needed to find a new nervous habit, something less detrimental to the environment. “So, why’d you break up? I mean, how’d I end up getting so lucky?”
Jamie fell over laughing. “You are so not lucky, Seth. You just got out early before I made you crazy, too.”
This time it was Seth’s turn to be harsh. “Did *he* make you believe that?” he asked sharply. “Because he’s wrong. I‘ve been on the lam from the men in the white coats for ages, and there are lots of people who’ll testify to that.”
Jamie’s laughter died off when he caught the angry look on Seth’s face. He smiled sadly as he pushed himself back up. “No, Seth, it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. Sometimes you shouldn’t assume that somebody knows how you feel.”
He sighed and scratched at his forehead. “Don’t make the same mistake I did.”
“The mistake of being too hot for your own good?” a male voice inquired from behind them.
Seth craned his head to look behind him when Jamie grinned over the top of his head. He had to shift around a lot, which really wasn’t great for his bony ass, but he wasn’t disappointed by what he came face-to-face with in the end.
Of course most people weren’t disappointed when GAP models materialized next to them.
“The mistake of going drinking with people who want to be Keith Richards when they grow up,” Jamie quipped dryly as he gathered his things and stood up.
Seth immediately followed, scrambling to his feet and taking his sunglasses when Jamie offered them.
Ian was a few inches taller than Seth, but he refused to find that intimidating. That’s what the perfectly mussed brown hair and razor sharp cheekbones were for.
Seth slipped the sunglasses on so he could do a more covert inspection.
He wasn’t exactly versed in the etiquette for drooling over the guy who had stolen his man, but Seth found it really hard to be angry when he was wondering what Ian’s stubble felt like and how he looked naked next to Jamie.
Clearly, this was not a road Seth needed to go down. At least not until he was alone in the shower.
“Seth Cohen. Ian Hurley,” Jamie said making introductions as he slung his bag over his shoulder.
Seth noticed that Ian arched his right eyebrow, but didn’t hesitate to shake Seth’s hand. He squeezed a bit too hard, which Seth would have laughed at if his hand hadn’t hurt so much.
“Nice to meet you,” he said.
“Uh, yeah,” Seth said.
“Practice waits for no man or beer,” Ian said, pointedly stepping away from Seth and towards the closest walkway.
Jamie sighed loudly.
“He’s always been like this,” he explained to Seth. “I wouldn’t put up with it, except his playing is much better when he’s drunk.”
“Keep laughing, Blondie,” Ian snarked.
“Nothing else I can do when you’re around,” Jamie retorted.
Ian grinned.
Seth just watched.
He smiled as Jamie stepped up to him and pulled off the sunglasses Seth had been wearing.
“You look better without them,” he said, handing the shades to Seth after folding them up.
“We’re going to jam together for a bit and see if we can keep from poking each other with drumsticks,” he added gesturing back towards Ian.
Seth bit his lip and tried to smile, again, but it was a failing effort.
Jamie’s smile, though, was the real thing. His eyes seemed amazingly blue, and in the sunlight Seth could see faint freckles dotting his nose. He’d never noticed them before.
“It’ll work out, you’ll see,” Jamie said.
His breath was warm against Seth’s face, and Seth shrugged. “Knowing my track record, I’m thinking it’ll take a combined miracle from the Tooth Fairy, Houdini and H.G. Wells,” he said wryly.
He was completely taken off guard when Jamie closed the distance and kissed him lightly.
The press of warm lips made Seth relax more than he had in days. He wanted to stay there where it seemed safe and not nearly as full of people he‘d hurt, but Jamie pulled away before Seth could respond.
“Then you better get busy,” Jamie advised. “I heard there’s going to be a rush on miracles as soon as Hotmail stops fucking up God’s inbox.”
Seth laughed as Jamie winked at him while walking away backwards. He turned around just in time to keep from running into Ian.
Seth doubted Jamie caught the dirty look Ian shot at him, but he didn’t really mind. Maybe things would work out for Jamie all right. He certainly deserved it.
And maybe, if Seth’s Ryan-radar decided to work for a change, he wouldn’t have to shackle himself to a twin bed after all. The likelihood of that was very small, but Seth didn’t have much else to work with, and even if he wasn’t an optimist, he could fake it.
Maybe he could make his own luck after all.
-Onward! To the End-
Notes: *The role of Ian is being played by Desmond Harrington, who, despite the old man name, is so hella hot I almost cried when![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
serialkarma presented him for my approval.
*It has come to my attention that some people may not know who Tyler Durden is. Fight Club, children. One of the best, most informative movies ever. *sighs*
The title song is a Gershwin tune sung by Judy Garland, but covered by Jeff Buckley. Yes, all Jeff all the time.
(Previous sections available here.)
Seth sat on the sofa in his living room until five o’clock in the morning, drinking leftover cans of Beast in the dark and waiting for something to happen.
Except nothing did.
Ryan didn’t come home for the second night in a row.
Jamie didn’t call.
People staggered home from Halloween parties and shouted to each other outside the cracked front window.
Somebody somewhere threw up. Tara and Erika came home. The stoners across the hall smoked up. Tom left an answering machine message marveling at Seth’s ability to turn down free booze. The apartment building creaked and shook with the sound of people treading on wooden stairs and turning on ancient water pipes.
He got steadily drunker and drunker until he wound up sober again. His G6 worked through his vast collection of mp3’s, playing everything from A Tribe Called Quest to Weezer as Seth slurred along.
At five o’clock, Seth peeled himself off the sofa and went to bed. He woke up at 10:13 am when his brain registered the sound of the bolt sliding home in the front door.
By the time he stumbled into the living room Ryan was gone, and Seth decided he was unequivocally wrong about everything in his life. Obviously Ryan didn’t have to come home to sleep, and perhaps shackling himself to Ryan’s bed wasn’t a bad idea if Seth ever wanted to see him again.
He’d seen Ryan hurt before: his mom leaving, the break-up with Marissa, but Seth had never seen Ryan respond with this level of avoidance. Then he remembered that they were sharing the *exact* same living space now.
There was no guesthouse for Ryan to retreat to anymore.
Just when Seth thought he couldn’t feel any worse, then he thought about seeing Jamie with *that* guy.
Of course Jamie hadn’t wasted any time in kicking Seth’s scrawny, non-modeling ass to the curb. He’d totally deserved it, but it wasn’t like he’d meant to be a callous, horny asshole. It had just sort of happened that way.
The way most stuff did.
Still, it wasn’t like Jamie had actually *seen* Seth making out with Ryan against some random brick wall on 17th Street.
He’d probably just guessed though.
Seth almost slapped himself in the forehead, but the low-grade hangover from all the cheap beer he’d consumed chose that time to make itself known, and Seth paused mid-slap.
Life couldn’t keep going like this, if for no other reason than Seth couldn’t deal with all these hangovers anymore.
He needed to invest in a better quality of beer at the least.
He dropped down on the sofa dejectedly, and his stomach grumbled about his new 100 proof diet. The rough weave of the sofa was abrasive against his bare back, but he didn’t bother to flinch. He sighed heavily when his eyes fell upon Summer’s present, which he had propped up on the shelf above the television.
It was Seth’s first attempt at decorating their living room, but he still had a lot of work to do. Except he wasn’t sure what the point would be anymore.
He shifted to slump further into the cushions and arched up suddenly when he was poked into the back by something sharp. Reaching backwards, his fingers found a plastic case, and he briefly contemplated seppuku with a plastic knife when he realized what it was.
He hadn’t looked that hard at the CD Jamie had made for him before; apparently he’d sung the whole thing himself, from Wilco and Whiskeytown to Van Morrison.
This time, when Seth went to slap himself in the forehead, he didn’t bother to halt the motion.
He really didn’t think he could feel any shittier.
Something had to give.
Clutching the CD in his left hand as though it were a first-edition JSA, Seth got to his feet and headed straight for the bathroom. He dug into the medicine cabinet until he found the bottle of Ibuprofen, and he swallowed two pills dry, before turning on the shower to let the water get hot.
Heading back into his room, he slipped Jamie’s CD into his stereo, turning it up loud enough that he could hear it over the shower spray in the bathroom. Stripping down, he tossed his dirty clothes into the corner and headed back to the bathroom.
At least he was finally doing something.
Summer would’ve been proud. Or hit him in the head with a random stiletto.
It was a toss-up.
Seth’s hair was still damp after he stopped for three slices of greasy pizza and a Coke on Telegraph, but he didn’t think much of it. The crisp Berkeley day felt good through the Cookie Monster shirt he’d pulled on over his blue Oxford shirt with the two missing buttons. His bloodshot eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses, which he normally never wore.
He ran into Maria coming out of the Bath and Body Works on Bancroft, but had to turn down her invitation to go for coffee, promising to call her later because he had something he had to do. When she snarked about his being up before noon, he agreed that normally only funerals and free shit could have provided such avid motivation.
After waving her off, Seth crossed the street to campus and made a beeline for the English/Philosophy/A&E area he now thought of as the Bermuda Triangle. He wasn’t sure who he was looking for, but he felt pretty damn certain that he wasn’t going home until he found someone and something got settled.
Screw the stalking.
He was on his third pass around Wheeler when he caught sight of a blonde head that he would’ve recognized anywhere. Tamping down on the pizza that was threatening to come back up, Seth marched across the green. When he reached his target, he cleared his throat to get attention.
Blue eyes flashed uncertainly when they looked at him.
“Seth?”
Seth’s heart lurched about dangerously at the questionable inflection given his name.
“Can I sit down?” he asked, motioning to the grass across from Jamie.
“I should think so,“ Jamie said, moving his bag to his left so Seth could sit across from him. “Unless you’ve forgotten how recently.”
Seth licked his lips and dropped down on his knees gracelessly. The ground was slightly moist from the rain the day before, but his knees were more dirty than damp as he folded his legs under him.
He looked at Jamie cautiously, thankful for the protection the sunglasses provided. It wasn’t like he’d been crying or anything, but all that drinking probably didn’t have him comparing favorably with the Calvin Klein model he‘d seen Jamie with.
The seconds passed like molasses. Eventually, Seth spoke up. “I think we’re getting the seven-minute pause out of the way, now.”
Jamie’s lips twitched, but he didn’t smile.
“I listened to the CD you made for me,” Seth began again.
Jamie’s mouth twisted into a frown. “Why?”
“Because you made it for me,” Seth said, pointing out the obvious. “And you have a voice like the missing lovechild of David Gray and Rufus Wainwright. Besides, it’ll be worth thousands on eBay some day.”
He smiled tentatively at Jamie.
Jamie groaned and rubbed at his head. “*Seth*,” he began helplessly.
Seth knew that tone. It was not an “everything is cool, that guy was just a friend, let’s get back together and have lots of sex” tone.
That was a “you are *so* dumped” tone.
“I know I fucked up,” he blurted out suddenly. “I’m sorry, I really am. I’ll try harder; I’ll do whatever you want. I like you, I know I’m babbling, just give me a second chance,” he pled. “Don’t – don’t hate me.”
He only realized how true the words were after he’d said them.
He did like Jamie.
He wanted to make things right between them and would be devastated if Jamie hated him. Jamie deserved to be loved and appreciated, but so did Ryan.
Seth didn’t really want to think about what *he* deserved.
Things had to change though, and he was the only one who could make them right. Or close to right. It was pretty fucking obvious that his situation was never going to be ideal. Somebody was going to get hurt anyway he went about it, but the least he could do after all the trouble he’d caused was to be loyal to the person who had wanted him first.
If he had actually realized this two days ago things would probably have been turned out vastly different, but that was kind of like saying if Seth were somebody else he might not like guys at all.
Life was what it was, and maybe, feeling ashamed for being a shit wasn’t the best reason to want to be with somebody, but Jamie had wanted Seth first.
He had *said* something.
Jamie hadn’t lived with Seth for three years without showing the slightest hint of being interested.
So, Seth bit his lip hopefully, and waited as Jamie watched him
“I don’t even care who that guy was last night,” he added on as an afterthought, even though it wasn’t true. He cared. He cared a hell of a lot.
He flinched when Jamie reached out and pulled his sunglasses off, folding them and placing them on his bag. Seth blinked rapidly as the sunlight bounced off his corneas. It was way too fucking bright out to be hungover.
He squinted under Jamie’s scrutinizing gaze, feeling impossibly exposed considering all the layers he was wearing. He squinted harder when Jamie rubbed his neck thoughtfully.
Seth’s hormones surged as Jamie’s fingers slipped under the collar of the pea green coat and dark blue shirt that he was wearing. Seth had never seen either one before.
Jamie looked very fashionable for someone Seth normally saw wearing flannel and faded tee shirts. It was slightly disconcerting.
“You’re lying,” Jamie said finally, and Seth’s palms began to sweat.
He did rejection well; being caught in a lie was an entirely different matter.
“What are you talking about?” Seth’s voice went flat. “Are you telling me that I don’t care for you? Are you calling me a liar?”
Seth could feel the rage beginning to simmer. Who the fuck was Jamie to call him a liar? He wasn’t the one out with another guy on Halloween!
That had been the night *before* Halloween.
Jamie’s smile was twisted and ugly. “I’m saying if anybody should be angry it should be *me*.”
“You were the one who was with somebody else last night,” Seth shot back.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t the one who staggered home looking like he’d been fucked in a back alley.”
Seth gaped, but couldn’t really say anything in response. At least nothing worth hearing. It was obviously not the time to get into his hang-ups about thinking nobody wanted him at all, and Ryan being the only person who he’d ever really needed.
Jamie rubbed at his eyes. “I’m sure you do have feelings for me,” he clarified, effectively shooting down Seth’s bubble of resentment before it could really get off the ground.
“I think you *do* care about who I was with last night. I think it made you jealous as hell and that‘s why your eyes are all red.”
Seth sputtered. “I fucking hate it when you do that!” he shouted finally, drawing the attention of several nearby students.
He glared around him angrily, too upset to care.
He’d tried so hard not to think about how this conversation would go because he knew it would be on par with mass destruction and the horror of being caught jerking off in the shower.
Except he’d been wrong. This was *way* worse.
He exhaled through his nose when he felt Jamie’s hand on his knee. He looked up into wide blue eyes and wanted to scream about the injustice of pimping and bigamy and having hot best friends.
Seth had no business being possessive about anybody, especially considering where that had already gotten him, but that didn’t stop the quick flush of heat that colored his cheeks.
He’d never done the sharing thing real well. Hence the problem now.
“Reading your mind again?” Jamie asked, his amusement clear. His fingers rubbed soothing little circles through the dirt and denim protecting Seth’s knee, and Seth’s hands itched to do something profoundly stupid like trying to hold Jamie’s hand.
Instead, Seth wiped his hands on his jeans.
“It felt pretty shitty, didn’t it?” Jamie carried on. “Seeing the person you want with somebody else.”
Seth’s eyes narrowed as he watched Jamie carefully.
“Is that why you did it? Why you went out with *him*?” He couldn’t keep the vitriol out of his voice. “To make me jealous?”
Jamie’s fingers stopped doing the soothing thing, and Seth missed them when Jamie pulled his hand away.
“That makes no sense, Seth, think about it for a minute. To go out of my way to make you jealous, I would’ve had to have known the exact time that you were coming to a bar where you’re not legal to drink.”
Seth stared at his shoes and pulled at tufts of grass. He could feel Jamie’s eyes boring into the top of his head. “So you’re seeing someone else already?” he inquired sadly.
Jamie’s soft snort didn’t make Seth feel any better, and he was tempted to pull away when Jamie fingers tilted his head up.
“I don’t move that fast, and I would never cheat on you,” he said softly.
Seth’s heart jumped and the hangover he’d forgotten about revved up to full throttle.
Yes, he was clearly The Biggest Shit Ever. Maybe he could get Max to draw him a huge sign, and then he could wander around wearing it on a sandwich board like that guy on Market Street who kept announcing that Jesus was coming.
Despite the fact that Seth was Jewish, he wondered what the ETA was on Jesus’s arrival.
He could’ve used a non-denominational miracle.
“I was out with a friend who was trying to make me feel better,” Jamie carried on. “He just happened to be a guy.”
“Oh.”
Jamie nodded. “Oh.”
Seth continued to pull at the grass underneath him, and was startled when a large tuft landed in his lap.
He looked at Jamie quizzically.
It was like the first time they had met. Only not.
This wasn’t what Seth had meant when he’d made that wish about the time machine. Clearly he needed to be more specific.
That’s what he got for wishing in the first place.
“Does this mean you’ll give me another chance?” he asked hopefully.
“No.”
Seth blinked at Jamie’s instant reply.
“*No*?” Seth repeated.
“No.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “I admit I totally messed up with the whole Ryan thing, but he knows now. I can fix it. Maybe. If he ever comes home again. And if you’re not seeing anybody then…” Seth paused as the truth hit him in the stomach and his lunch lurched around in his gut. “You don’t want me anymore, do you?”
Jamie sighed. “It’s not you,” he began.
Seth scrambled to get to his feet. He got to his knees before Jamie yanked him back down.
He landed awkwardly on his elbow and stilled as Jamie pushed on his chest to keep him from getting away. Around Seth people talked and birds chirped. In Seth’s little world he hoped the ground would open up and give him a one-way ticket to China.
He’d lied before: he never got used to rejection.
“Stop it,” Jamie demanded sharply.
Seth had visions of his birthday, and his palms began to sweat all over again.
“You can’t keep up with the self-deprecating shit,” Jamie said, noticeably lowering his tone at the frantic look on Seth’s face. “*Please*.”
Seth breathed hard through his nose, and his legs twitched as Jamie’s palm rested heavily above his heart. Their tableau didn’t seem very appropriate for a Friday afternoon in the middle of campus, but Seth couldn’t really bring himself to give a shit.
“Why not?” he repeated quietly.
“Because,” Jamie said.
“A philosophy major answering ‘because?’” Seth quipped. “Be careful or you’ll be expelled.”
Jamie gave him a small smile and lifted his hand away. “’Because’ is the place holder to denote an answer that is either self-evident to the speaker or too complex and lengthy to explain at the time.”
Seth stared for a long period of time before he pushed himself up to sitting position, and folded his legs under him again. This time he was close enough that his knee rested against Jamie’s.
He cocked his head to the side as Jamie pointedly looked elsewhere.
“The Ryan thing hurt,” Jamie said, speaking over Seth’s inevitable apologies. “I’m not going to act like it didn’t. But it’s not just that you blew me off for him on your birthday, but that you couldn’t even bring yourself to introduce us beforehand.”
Jamie turned and looked pointedly at Seth as he kept talking. “No, I don’t think you deliberately tried to hurt me, and I’m not saying coming out is easy for anybody, but as much as I like you, Seth, I’ve already been there. I’m out. I’m happy. I don’t need somebody who isn’t proud to be with me.”
Again, Jamie spoke over Seth’s protests.
“I think if you were with Ryan, things might come a bit more naturally.”
Seth stared at Jamie stupidly.
“But -- but,” he sputtered.
“You may want to be with me, but I think you want to be with Ryan more.”
“What? *No*!” Seth protested vehemently.
“Anytime you want to come out of denial, let me know,” Jamie mocked. “I’ll call The Advocate.”
Seth sighed.
This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. He didn’t want to have to think about being with Ryan anymore. He’d stopped having those stupid dreams a long time ago. He wanted Jamie now. Jamie wanted him.
That should've been all that counted.
Seth had spent years trying to find somebody who would want him that way that Jamie had. He’d been trampled by Anna and made-over by Summer. He had dropped anvil-like hints and stared helplessly as Ryan dated girls and buried himself in mountains of books.
Eventually he’d given up.
He couldn’t keep putting himself out there when Ryan wasn’t responding. Or more recently, when Ryan was avoiding him.
Seth couldn’t keep hoping for something that obviously wasn’t meant to be.
Instead of Seth and Ryan it was going to be Seth and Jamie.
Except Jamie didn’t want him, and now he was positive that that fucking time machine wish had been granted. The universe had picked a fine time to start listening to Seth’s birthday wishes.
He wished randomly for a 66 Chevelle in green and a lifetime supply of free Pumas as Jamie studied him intently.
Jamie nudged him in the ribs gently to get his attention. “After we fought on your birthday, what happened when you went back to your apartment? Did you and Ryan fight, too?”
Seth’s mouth opened and a strange squeaking noise escaped.
Jamie smirked. “You did, didn’t you? Did anybody throw anything?”
Seth shook his head, too shocked to say anything. Jamie needed his own Psychic Friends Network; he’d make a killing.
“But you fought badly, right?”
Seth nodded again. Finally the ability to speak came back to him. “How’d you know that? Do I need to call Campus Security?” he quipped lamely.
Their conversation was a serious case of deja vu.
Jamie chuckled and glanced at something over Seth’s shoulder. “Ian and I were like you guys.”
“Ah, Ian, your famous ex.”
Jamie’s right eyebrow arched dramatically. Seth had never seen him do that before.
“Famous, no. Infamous, sure. Who said he was famous anyway?” Jamie queried.
“Nobody.”
Jamie’s look of disbelief said it all. “I heard you came by yesterday,” he commented eventually.
Seth colored.
“I heard you did well on your Psychology exam, too.”
Seth colored even more. “Rusty said that you guys never talked about me,” he protested.
“We didn’t until he called last night wondering why you looked like somebody had died in class. He was the one I was supposed to meet at the Albatross,” Jamie said ruefully. “Ian just happened to be there instead.”
“Just *happened*?”
“Yeah, well, Rusty didn’t show up at the bar. So I’m thinking he tripped and hit his head on your textbook, which kept him from remembering that he’d made plans to meet both of us there. Separately. And if he didn‘t have an accident, he‘s going to, real soon.”
Seth stared. Clearly there were other sides to Jamie than the ones he’d seen in the past three weeks. These other sides just happened to work part time as a fashion model and Tyler Durden.
“You’re going to lay a smackdown?” he gaped.
Nobody had ever fought over Seth before. Except for Ryan, and it wasn’t really *over* him. But there was no need to be technical.
Jamie was appalled. “What? No. Why -- what makes you think I would ever do that?”
Seth’s sigh was a mixture of disappointment and relief. He still didn’t have people fighting over him. “I heard about The Drumstick Incident,” he admitted.
“That was *one* time,” Jamie protested. “God, he’s got a big mouth. I may have to stuff some dirty socks in there or something to shut him up.”
Jamie shook his head.
They were quiet for several seconds as the cool November day washed over them.
“I loved him a lot,” Jamie admitted eventually. Seth almost missed him speaking.
“Ian, not Rusty. I love Rusty too, but not like that,“ he amended. “We, uh, we met my freshman year when his band was advertising for a singer. I was this kid from upstate New York and knew fuck all about life in California; he was this grad student from San Diego. We drove Rusty and Carrie nuts for six months fighting over every aspect of the group. Not like I had any rights as the new kid.”
Jamie laughed. “Of course that didn’t stop me from telling him to suck my dick at least three times a week. Eventually we stopped fighting and started hanging out, and *then* we started dating. We used to do everything together,” he explained.
Seth nodded.
“Like you and Ryan.” Jamie purposely bumped his knee against Seth’s. “It’s hard when you don’t have that anymore.”
Seth was quiet as he continued ripping up the campus green.
Eventually he stopped and determinedly folded his hands in his lap. He needed to find a new nervous habit, something less detrimental to the environment. “So, why’d you break up? I mean, how’d I end up getting so lucky?”
Jamie fell over laughing. “You are so not lucky, Seth. You just got out early before I made you crazy, too.”
This time it was Seth’s turn to be harsh. “Did *he* make you believe that?” he asked sharply. “Because he’s wrong. I‘ve been on the lam from the men in the white coats for ages, and there are lots of people who’ll testify to that.”
Jamie’s laughter died off when he caught the angry look on Seth’s face. He smiled sadly as he pushed himself back up. “No, Seth, it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. Sometimes you shouldn’t assume that somebody knows how you feel.”
He sighed and scratched at his forehead. “Don’t make the same mistake I did.”
“The mistake of being too hot for your own good?” a male voice inquired from behind them.
Seth craned his head to look behind him when Jamie grinned over the top of his head. He had to shift around a lot, which really wasn’t great for his bony ass, but he wasn’t disappointed by what he came face-to-face with in the end.
Of course most people weren’t disappointed when GAP models materialized next to them.
“The mistake of going drinking with people who want to be Keith Richards when they grow up,” Jamie quipped dryly as he gathered his things and stood up.
Seth immediately followed, scrambling to his feet and taking his sunglasses when Jamie offered them.
Ian was a few inches taller than Seth, but he refused to find that intimidating. That’s what the perfectly mussed brown hair and razor sharp cheekbones were for.
Seth slipped the sunglasses on so he could do a more covert inspection.
He wasn’t exactly versed in the etiquette for drooling over the guy who had stolen his man, but Seth found it really hard to be angry when he was wondering what Ian’s stubble felt like and how he looked naked next to Jamie.
Clearly, this was not a road Seth needed to go down. At least not until he was alone in the shower.
“Seth Cohen. Ian Hurley,” Jamie said making introductions as he slung his bag over his shoulder.
Seth noticed that Ian arched his right eyebrow, but didn’t hesitate to shake Seth’s hand. He squeezed a bit too hard, which Seth would have laughed at if his hand hadn’t hurt so much.
“Nice to meet you,” he said.
“Uh, yeah,” Seth said.
“Practice waits for no man or beer,” Ian said, pointedly stepping away from Seth and towards the closest walkway.
Jamie sighed loudly.
“He’s always been like this,” he explained to Seth. “I wouldn’t put up with it, except his playing is much better when he’s drunk.”
“Keep laughing, Blondie,” Ian snarked.
“Nothing else I can do when you’re around,” Jamie retorted.
Ian grinned.
Seth just watched.
He smiled as Jamie stepped up to him and pulled off the sunglasses Seth had been wearing.
“You look better without them,” he said, handing the shades to Seth after folding them up.
“We’re going to jam together for a bit and see if we can keep from poking each other with drumsticks,” he added gesturing back towards Ian.
Seth bit his lip and tried to smile, again, but it was a failing effort.
Jamie’s smile, though, was the real thing. His eyes seemed amazingly blue, and in the sunlight Seth could see faint freckles dotting his nose. He’d never noticed them before.
“It’ll work out, you’ll see,” Jamie said.
His breath was warm against Seth’s face, and Seth shrugged. “Knowing my track record, I’m thinking it’ll take a combined miracle from the Tooth Fairy, Houdini and H.G. Wells,” he said wryly.
He was completely taken off guard when Jamie closed the distance and kissed him lightly.
The press of warm lips made Seth relax more than he had in days. He wanted to stay there where it seemed safe and not nearly as full of people he‘d hurt, but Jamie pulled away before Seth could respond.
“Then you better get busy,” Jamie advised. “I heard there’s going to be a rush on miracles as soon as Hotmail stops fucking up God’s inbox.”
Seth laughed as Jamie winked at him while walking away backwards. He turned around just in time to keep from running into Ian.
Seth doubted Jamie caught the dirty look Ian shot at him, but he didn’t really mind. Maybe things would work out for Jamie all right. He certainly deserved it.
And maybe, if Seth’s Ryan-radar decided to work for a change, he wouldn’t have to shackle himself to a twin bed after all. The likelihood of that was very small, but Seth didn’t have much else to work with, and even if he wasn’t an optimist, he could fake it.
Maybe he could make his own luck after all.
-Onward! To the End-
Notes: *The role of Ian is being played by Desmond Harrington, who, despite the old man name, is so hella hot I almost cried when
serialkarma presented him for my approval. *It has come to my attention that some people may not know who Tyler Durden is. Fight Club, children. One of the best, most informative movies ever. *sighs*
The title song is a Gershwin tune sung by Judy Garland, but covered by Jeff Buckley. Yes, all Jeff all the time.
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