hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2004-11-11 03:40 pm
hackthis_archive) wrote2004-11-11 03:40 pm
Entry tags:
I weep for the crack-fic - Ocean's 11/Lost X-Over
Me: I should totally write a Ocean's 11/Lost X-over
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sparky77, thepouncer and serialkarma: Yes, do it now!
Me: I was joking.
*crickets*
Me: Guys? Guys?! Fuck.
Very short and dedicated to the above I present:
You Can't Have Confidence Without a C-O-N
The trouble started with the postcard from Alabama, which Danny knew was just a bad sign, because Danny knew Rusty and Rusty would never go to Alabama. Ever. Unless there was something important involved. Like a con. And Danny hated it when Rusty did jobs without him. He would've called Rusty and told him to cut his losses, whatever was going on, but that was the problem with trying to call someone like Rusty. They were never around.
Most of the time Rusty didn't even have a phone, never mind a phone number.
*
The next postcard came from Texas, and if Rusty didn't belong in Alabama he really didn't belong in Texas. Plus, Danny hated Texas. It was an irrational and unfounded hatred; Danny had never even been to Texas, except for that one time with Rusty and there'd been that thing at the Mexican border and they'd had to call Reuben, but otherwise, no, no Texas for Danny.
Plus, Rusty knew Danny hated Texas, and yet, he'd sent him a postcard anyway. Which was low. And wrong. Danny had made one mistake with that Incan matrimonial head mask, and now he was forced to look at a postcard from Texas of some guy with a big Stetson on his head, riding a bronco and holding a bottle of tequila. At least it looked like tequila. Which of course Danny couldn't have in prison, but that was another issue for another time altogether. Of course, he could have procured some, but that too, was another matter for another time.
The point being that Rusty was in Texas with somebody else.
And that upset Danny.
He didn't know any Cousin Sawyer.
*
The postcards were pretty regular for a few months: Oklahoma, Nevada, Colorado, Oklahoma again, Kansas, South Dakota.
Danny couldn't believe that Rusty had gone to South Dakota without him. They'd been talking about seeing Mount Rushmore for years, and apparently Rusty had gone without him. With Cousin Sawyer.
Danny was going to kill Rusty.
He needed a plan.
*
And then the postcards stopped.
And one day cookies arrived.
Rusty's next postcard was from New York.
*
The day Danny got out of jail, Rusty was there, and Danny really wanted to ask who the hell Cousin Sawyer was, but he was happy to see Rusty. And he was kind of excited, and he had a plan. He was back together with Rusty and they were a team. It was how things were supposed to be, but en route to see Reuben, Rusty said he wanted to drive through Virginia.
Which was across the country, and also -- Virginia was for lovers.
Danny knew the slogan.
He didn't want to know what the hell was going through Rusty's mind.
*
Danny only saw his profile: blonde, scruffy and way too slick. This guy plus Rusty was just too much blondeness in one place, and he even had dimples. Danny hated Cousin Sawyer. His suit wasn't nearly as nice as Danny's Brioni, and how obvious could two cons be, sitting in a Denny's and eating French fries off the same damn plate.
When Rusty came back he had ketchup on his collar, and his mouth was red.
Danny really could've killed him.
But he didn’t -- because he had a plan, and he needed Rusty for the plan.
*
Rusty didn't say anything after they left Virginia, so neither did Danny. They just mapped out the con and got the guys together, and they could have done it with ten. Danny knows they could have done it with ten, but no -- he had to go and get Linus Caldwell. He didn't even know Linus was blonde until he got to Chicago, and he could have just gone back empty-handed, made up some excuse, but he didn't.
It wasn't like he was jealous.
Not that much.
*
It was a good thing that Danny went back to jail for six to eight months or he would’ve been in for twenty-five to life for killing Rusty. He couldn't believe that Rusty had shacked up with Linus Caldwell after the job. He was just kidding about the Tess thing, they were divorced after all -– of course, that was the problem with conning a con, if the job went too well, you wound up getting postcards from Idaho of the World’s Biggest Potato.
Clearly Danny needed to make a better plan.
*
The second time Danny got out of jail, he didn’t leave anything to chance. He dropped Tess off at her mother’s in Hoboken, and said he and Rusty were going to the corner to get cigarettes -- and then he got back behind the wheel and drove right out of the city.
*
Somewhere around Poughkeepsie it began to rain. Rusty said he was hungry, and he began to fuss. When they stopped for gas, Danny loaded up on junk food, but he refused to tell Rusty where they were going, and Rusty spent two hours guessing.
Danny thanked God that it was only a four-hour drive.
By the time they got to Vermont, Rusty apparently was at a loss. He couldn’t figure out what the hell was so important so far up north, and it was only when Danny pulled up to the City Hall in Manchester that Rusty really began to look confused.
“What’re we doing here?” he asked.
Danny didn’t bat an eyelash. “We’re getting married.”
Rusty snickered and then laughed. For eight minutes flat.
“What kind of con is this?” he asked, gasping for breath.
“No, con,” Danny said, leaning into the backseat to find the tie he’d abandoned two hours ago. “I figured the best way to get you to stop running scams on everyone is to make a honest man out of you.”
Rusty blinked. “You’re joking,” he said. “You don’t even have any rings.”
Danny rolled his eyes before producing two silver bands from an inside pocket. “Try again,” he said.
Rusty blanched. “You want to marry me? What makes you so sure I’ll say yes?”
Danny shrugged before putting the rings back in his pocket. “Because it’s the ultimate scam –- and you never even saw it coming.”
Rusty opened and closed his mouth several times. “See,” he said grinning even as he opened the door to get out the car. “This is why I have to stop getting involved with cons.”
Danny grabbed Rusty's sleeve to get his attention. "Don't worry," he said, "I heard that wives don't have to testify against their husbands if they get arrested."
-end-
Notes: Yes, this is indeed a case of find the hidden shout-outs. If you can identify it, then it's probably for you.
sparky77, thepouncer and serialkarma: Yes, do it now! Me: I was joking.
*crickets*
Me: Guys? Guys?! Fuck.
Very short and dedicated to the above I present:
The trouble started with the postcard from Alabama, which Danny knew was just a bad sign, because Danny knew Rusty and Rusty would never go to Alabama. Ever. Unless there was something important involved. Like a con. And Danny hated it when Rusty did jobs without him. He would've called Rusty and told him to cut his losses, whatever was going on, but that was the problem with trying to call someone like Rusty. They were never around.
Most of the time Rusty didn't even have a phone, never mind a phone number.
The next postcard came from Texas, and if Rusty didn't belong in Alabama he really didn't belong in Texas. Plus, Danny hated Texas. It was an irrational and unfounded hatred; Danny had never even been to Texas, except for that one time with Rusty and there'd been that thing at the Mexican border and they'd had to call Reuben, but otherwise, no, no Texas for Danny.
Plus, Rusty knew Danny hated Texas, and yet, he'd sent him a postcard anyway. Which was low. And wrong. Danny had made one mistake with that Incan matrimonial head mask, and now he was forced to look at a postcard from Texas of some guy with a big Stetson on his head, riding a bronco and holding a bottle of tequila. At least it looked like tequila. Which of course Danny couldn't have in prison, but that was another issue for another time altogether. Of course, he could have procured some, but that too, was another matter for another time.
The point being that Rusty was in Texas with somebody else.
And that upset Danny.
He didn't know any Cousin Sawyer.
The postcards were pretty regular for a few months: Oklahoma, Nevada, Colorado, Oklahoma again, Kansas, South Dakota.
Danny couldn't believe that Rusty had gone to South Dakota without him. They'd been talking about seeing Mount Rushmore for years, and apparently Rusty had gone without him. With Cousin Sawyer.
Danny was going to kill Rusty.
He needed a plan.
And then the postcards stopped.
And one day cookies arrived.
Rusty's next postcard was from New York.
The day Danny got out of jail, Rusty was there, and Danny really wanted to ask who the hell Cousin Sawyer was, but he was happy to see Rusty. And he was kind of excited, and he had a plan. He was back together with Rusty and they were a team. It was how things were supposed to be, but en route to see Reuben, Rusty said he wanted to drive through Virginia.
Which was across the country, and also -- Virginia was for lovers.
Danny knew the slogan.
He didn't want to know what the hell was going through Rusty's mind.
Danny only saw his profile: blonde, scruffy and way too slick. This guy plus Rusty was just too much blondeness in one place, and he even had dimples. Danny hated Cousin Sawyer. His suit wasn't nearly as nice as Danny's Brioni, and how obvious could two cons be, sitting in a Denny's and eating French fries off the same damn plate.
When Rusty came back he had ketchup on his collar, and his mouth was red.
Danny really could've killed him.
But he didn’t -- because he had a plan, and he needed Rusty for the plan.
Rusty didn't say anything after they left Virginia, so neither did Danny. They just mapped out the con and got the guys together, and they could have done it with ten. Danny knows they could have done it with ten, but no -- he had to go and get Linus Caldwell. He didn't even know Linus was blonde until he got to Chicago, and he could have just gone back empty-handed, made up some excuse, but he didn't.
It wasn't like he was jealous.
Not that much.
It was a good thing that Danny went back to jail for six to eight months or he would’ve been in for twenty-five to life for killing Rusty. He couldn't believe that Rusty had shacked up with Linus Caldwell after the job. He was just kidding about the Tess thing, they were divorced after all -– of course, that was the problem with conning a con, if the job went too well, you wound up getting postcards from Idaho of the World’s Biggest Potato.
Clearly Danny needed to make a better plan.
The second time Danny got out of jail, he didn’t leave anything to chance. He dropped Tess off at her mother’s in Hoboken, and said he and Rusty were going to the corner to get cigarettes -- and then he got back behind the wheel and drove right out of the city.
Somewhere around Poughkeepsie it began to rain. Rusty said he was hungry, and he began to fuss. When they stopped for gas, Danny loaded up on junk food, but he refused to tell Rusty where they were going, and Rusty spent two hours guessing.
Danny thanked God that it was only a four-hour drive.
By the time they got to Vermont, Rusty apparently was at a loss. He couldn’t figure out what the hell was so important so far up north, and it was only when Danny pulled up to the City Hall in Manchester that Rusty really began to look confused.
“What’re we doing here?” he asked.
Danny didn’t bat an eyelash. “We’re getting married.”
Rusty snickered and then laughed. For eight minutes flat.
“What kind of con is this?” he asked, gasping for breath.
“No, con,” Danny said, leaning into the backseat to find the tie he’d abandoned two hours ago. “I figured the best way to get you to stop running scams on everyone is to make a honest man out of you.”
Rusty blinked. “You’re joking,” he said. “You don’t even have any rings.”
Danny rolled his eyes before producing two silver bands from an inside pocket. “Try again,” he said.
Rusty blanched. “You want to marry me? What makes you so sure I’ll say yes?”
Danny shrugged before putting the rings back in his pocket. “Because it’s the ultimate scam –- and you never even saw it coming.”
Rusty opened and closed his mouth several times. “See,” he said grinning even as he opened the door to get out the car. “This is why I have to stop getting involved with cons.”
Danny grabbed Rusty's sleeve to get his attention. "Don't worry," he said, "I heard that wives don't have to testify against their husbands if they get arrested."
-end-
Notes: Yes, this is indeed a case of find the hidden shout-outs. If you can identify it, then it's probably for you.
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