hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2005-06-13 12:57 pm
hackthis_archive) wrote2005-06-13 12:57 pm
SW RPS -- Bulletproof
I have two stories on my mind, one is Ryan/Ewan/Viggo/Hayden and I want to write it, I'm just not certain my brain could take the strain. Viggo is hard work. Perhaps it would be best to try something else. Something with visual.
Star Wars RPS
Hayden Christensen/Ewan McGregor/Ryan Gosling (gasp!) + you know, other people
Disclaimer: As real as Pamela Anderson's breasts.
*Dedicated to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
theantimodel, oxoniensis and researchminion for their tireless perseverance in giving me all-Ryan-all-the-time. Special thanks to monkeycrackmary for hosting the kiss stared at around the world.
Bulletproof (I Wish I Was)
All film premieres are the same -- but they don't tell you this when you're a struggling actor, just praying you'll get another callback so your agent won't 'let you go'.
When you're going to audition after audition after audition, and banging your head against the wall in the bathroom because you tanked and forgot a whole third of a monologue, they don't tell about the photographers blinding you so you stagger into your publicist and nearly trip over your own two feet.
They never tell you the golden rules about not spreading your legs where you get your paycheck and nothing lasting past 'that's a wrap' when you're a twenty-something enamored of your leading man.
The industry comes with all these catches and hitches and things you never know you're not supposed to do until you've already done them, and someone is pissing on your head.
Hayden missed the class where they talked about getting over your co-stars -- and that's why he thinks he's going to pass out from blood loss any minute now, because Ewan is strolling towards him, surely making his way along the red carpet, and Hayden feels just as young as he did walking onto the set almost five years ago now.
He can feel the tremours in his fingers. He thinks that now might be a good time to die; you can do a lot in eighteen seconds. You can jump off a bridge or finish a race. You can see your entire life flash before your eyes or plan your entire day. You can smile like you mean it when inside you're bleeding from having your heart ripped out your chest.
Seventeen.
The premiere is bright and loud. The flashes are blinding. It's all one huge blur now, and Hayden always says he'll remember these nights, but he doesn't. He never remembers premieres. He remembers the first one, and then the rest just snowball until they're all the same.
Sixteen.
There's something different about Ewan tonight -– it might be the hair, or the suit, or the fact that he's clean-shaven. It's not as though Hayden hasn't seen Ewan since he returned from the Long Way Round. It's not as though Hayden's never seen Ewan done up and spit-shined, and Hayden's mind flashes to naked skin and dark bruises and teeth.
Sharp, white, shiny teeth -– all the better to make a meal of your heart with.
Fourteen.
Naked bodies, sweaty and writhing. Gasping and moaning. Neanderthal grunting, and again with the teeth -- and beards. Bristly, scratchy beards. Not in a bed or a trailer, but against the wall, with scrabbling fingers and shoving. Hayden thinks there was probably a lot of shoving. Ryan Gosling looks like he would shove, and Ewan likes to play rough.
Hayden knows this from experience.
Eleven.
There's this gap of time between when they shot Revenge of the Sith and when they got back together for reshoots. Hayden shouldn't even really call it a gap, because a gap is like three to six months, and this was a whole fucking year. Ewan went from Australia to wherever he shot Stay with Ryan Gosling, and then he was off with Charley.
Hayden spent Christmas in Toronto, with his family.
A year is a long time.
Nine.
Ewan is smiling at him. No one else. Just him.
Eight.
Hayden watched a film with Ryan Gosling in it once. The film was called The Believer; it was a really fucking hard film to watch, not because of the directing or the editing or the dialogue (George), but because of the subject. Jewish skinheads are not fluffy subject matter.
Ryan -– Gosling –- Hayden has no idea how to refer to this person that he's never met before. Ewan calls him Ryan, but that's because they made a film together. It's a good film according to Ewan, but Ewan's always diplomatic about his films. He never says they were rubbish, or that the experience sucked arse –- he might say that privately to Jude -– but he's never said that to Hayden, and Hayden's getting all kinds of sidetracked here.
He wonders what Ewan said about him to Ryan.
He wonders if Ewan said anything at all.
Six.
The thing that struck Hayden the most about Ryan Gosling's performance in The Believer was that it was good. Really fucking good in an honest, strip yourself raw way, and Hayden hasn't really done that yet. People tell him they really enjoyed Shattered Glass -- but nobody's ever said 'you changed my life.'
The Believer is a life-changer kind of film.
It's the kind of script that Hayden never gets. He knows Revenge of the Sith isn't method acting material, but it's a bastion of cinematic something or other. It's supposed to propel him to greater things -- that's what Maya said, and oh god, what if Hayden is Mark Hamill? He doesn't want to be Darth Vader forever. He doesn't want to be that guy who did that film that one time, and yeah, whatever happened to that guy?
Four.
The jealousy thing isn't new. Hayden knows it's not. He has no right to be possessive of a man -– a married man -– who has an enormous tattoo bearing the names of his wife and children on his right arm. That's never stopped him before. It would be nice if he didn't have to endure this sort of pain. It would be nice if he could meet someone else -– someone younger and closer to his age. Someone like Ryan Gosling -– but without that person having fucked Ewan, too.
Three.
There are people who aren't comfortable with their sexuality -– and then there's Ewan. Ewan isn't like anyone Hayden has ever met, and Ewan's going to kiss him now; Hayden can tell by the lean. Ewan is all about the lean. And the tilt of his head. And the gold eyelashes.
Fuck.
Two.
If he can't have Ewan's mouth on his –- kissing at premieres and after long shoots and at the end of the day -- then really what's the point after all? Who decided that Hayden should fall for Ewan in the first place? Hayden wants to file a complaint. He wants to know why he couldn't be cold and contained or just not give a fuck.
Why can't he be like everyone else in this business?
One.
Oh.
Hayden gets it now.
Maybe he can't have everything he wishes for –- but he can have this.
-end-
Title from the Radiohead song, because I heart The Bends like Jude Law loves his reflection. Beta byserialkarma who can now proudly display her I <3 Darth Woobie pin now :D
Also, thank you to everyone who has contributed so selflessly to ensuring that Star Wars RPS gets me a first-class ticket to hell.
Star Wars RPS
Hayden Christensen/Ewan McGregor/Ryan Gosling (gasp!) + you know, other people
Disclaimer: As real as Pamela Anderson's breasts.
*Dedicated to
theantimodel, oxoniensis and researchminion for their tireless perseverance in giving me all-Ryan-all-the-time. Special thanks to monkeycrackmary for hosting the kiss stared at around the world.All film premieres are the same -- but they don't tell you this when you're a struggling actor, just praying you'll get another callback so your agent won't 'let you go'.
When you're going to audition after audition after audition, and banging your head against the wall in the bathroom because you tanked and forgot a whole third of a monologue, they don't tell about the photographers blinding you so you stagger into your publicist and nearly trip over your own two feet.
They never tell you the golden rules about not spreading your legs where you get your paycheck and nothing lasting past 'that's a wrap' when you're a twenty-something enamored of your leading man.
The industry comes with all these catches and hitches and things you never know you're not supposed to do until you've already done them, and someone is pissing on your head.
Hayden missed the class where they talked about getting over your co-stars -- and that's why he thinks he's going to pass out from blood loss any minute now, because Ewan is strolling towards him, surely making his way along the red carpet, and Hayden feels just as young as he did walking onto the set almost five years ago now.
He can feel the tremours in his fingers. He thinks that now might be a good time to die; you can do a lot in eighteen seconds. You can jump off a bridge or finish a race. You can see your entire life flash before your eyes or plan your entire day. You can smile like you mean it when inside you're bleeding from having your heart ripped out your chest.
Seventeen.
The premiere is bright and loud. The flashes are blinding. It's all one huge blur now, and Hayden always says he'll remember these nights, but he doesn't. He never remembers premieres. He remembers the first one, and then the rest just snowball until they're all the same.
Sixteen.
There's something different about Ewan tonight -– it might be the hair, or the suit, or the fact that he's clean-shaven. It's not as though Hayden hasn't seen Ewan since he returned from the Long Way Round. It's not as though Hayden's never seen Ewan done up and spit-shined, and Hayden's mind flashes to naked skin and dark bruises and teeth.
Sharp, white, shiny teeth -– all the better to make a meal of your heart with.
Fourteen.
Naked bodies, sweaty and writhing. Gasping and moaning. Neanderthal grunting, and again with the teeth -- and beards. Bristly, scratchy beards. Not in a bed or a trailer, but against the wall, with scrabbling fingers and shoving. Hayden thinks there was probably a lot of shoving. Ryan Gosling looks like he would shove, and Ewan likes to play rough.
Hayden knows this from experience.
Eleven.
There's this gap of time between when they shot Revenge of the Sith and when they got back together for reshoots. Hayden shouldn't even really call it a gap, because a gap is like three to six months, and this was a whole fucking year. Ewan went from Australia to wherever he shot Stay with Ryan Gosling, and then he was off with Charley.
Hayden spent Christmas in Toronto, with his family.
A year is a long time.
Nine.
Ewan is smiling at him. No one else. Just him.
Eight.
Hayden watched a film with Ryan Gosling in it once. The film was called The Believer; it was a really fucking hard film to watch, not because of the directing or the editing or the dialogue (George), but because of the subject. Jewish skinheads are not fluffy subject matter.
Ryan -– Gosling –- Hayden has no idea how to refer to this person that he's never met before. Ewan calls him Ryan, but that's because they made a film together. It's a good film according to Ewan, but Ewan's always diplomatic about his films. He never says they were rubbish, or that the experience sucked arse –- he might say that privately to Jude -– but he's never said that to Hayden, and Hayden's getting all kinds of sidetracked here.
He wonders what Ewan said about him to Ryan.
He wonders if Ewan said anything at all.
Six.
The thing that struck Hayden the most about Ryan Gosling's performance in The Believer was that it was good. Really fucking good in an honest, strip yourself raw way, and Hayden hasn't really done that yet. People tell him they really enjoyed Shattered Glass -- but nobody's ever said 'you changed my life.'
The Believer is a life-changer kind of film.
It's the kind of script that Hayden never gets. He knows Revenge of the Sith isn't method acting material, but it's a bastion of cinematic something or other. It's supposed to propel him to greater things -- that's what Maya said, and oh god, what if Hayden is Mark Hamill? He doesn't want to be Darth Vader forever. He doesn't want to be that guy who did that film that one time, and yeah, whatever happened to that guy?
Four.
The jealousy thing isn't new. Hayden knows it's not. He has no right to be possessive of a man -– a married man -– who has an enormous tattoo bearing the names of his wife and children on his right arm. That's never stopped him before. It would be nice if he didn't have to endure this sort of pain. It would be nice if he could meet someone else -– someone younger and closer to his age. Someone like Ryan Gosling -– but without that person having fucked Ewan, too.
Three.
There are people who aren't comfortable with their sexuality -– and then there's Ewan. Ewan isn't like anyone Hayden has ever met, and Ewan's going to kiss him now; Hayden can tell by the lean. Ewan is all about the lean. And the tilt of his head. And the gold eyelashes.
Fuck.
Two.
If he can't have Ewan's mouth on his –- kissing at premieres and after long shoots and at the end of the day -- then really what's the point after all? Who decided that Hayden should fall for Ewan in the first place? Hayden wants to file a complaint. He wants to know why he couldn't be cold and contained or just not give a fuck.
Why can't he be like everyone else in this business?
One.
Oh.
Hayden gets it now.
Maybe he can't have everything he wishes for –- but he can have this.
-end-
Title from the Radiohead song, because I heart The Bends like Jude Law loves his reflection. Beta by
serialkarma who can now proudly display her I <3 Darth Woobie pin now :DAlso, thank you to everyone who has contributed so selflessly to ensuring that Star Wars RPS gets me a first-class ticket to hell.
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