SW RPS -- Bulletproof
Jun. 13th, 2005 12:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveI have two stories on my mind, one is Ryan/Ewan/Viggo/Hayden and I want to write it, I'm just not certain my brain could take the strain. Viggo is hard work. Perhaps it would be best to try something else. Something with visual.
Star Wars RPS
Hayden Christensen/Ewan McGregor/Ryan Gosling (gasp!) + you know, other people
Disclaimer: As real as Pamela Anderson's breasts.
*Dedicated to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
theantimodel, oxoniensis and researchminion for their tireless perseverance in giving me all-Ryan-all-the-time. Special thanks to monkeycrackmary for hosting the kiss stared at around the world.
Bulletproof (I Wish I Was)
All film premieres are the same -- but they don't tell you this when you're a struggling actor, just praying you'll get another callback so your agent won't 'let you go'.
When you're going to audition after audition after audition, and banging your head against the wall in the bathroom because you tanked and forgot a whole third of a monologue, they don't tell about the photographers blinding you so you stagger into your publicist and nearly trip over your own two feet.
They never tell you the golden rules about not spreading your legs where you get your paycheck and nothing lasting past 'that's a wrap' when you're a twenty-something enamored of your leading man.
The industry comes with all these catches and hitches and things you never know you're not supposed to do until you've already done them, and someone is pissing on your head.
Hayden missed the class where they talked about getting over your co-stars -- and that's why he thinks he's going to pass out from blood loss any minute now, because Ewan is strolling towards him, surely making his way along the red carpet, and Hayden feels just as young as he did walking onto the set almost five years ago now.
He can feel the tremours in his fingers. He thinks that now might be a good time to die; you can do a lot in eighteen seconds. You can jump off a bridge or finish a race. You can see your entire life flash before your eyes or plan your entire day. You can smile like you mean it when inside you're bleeding from having your heart ripped out your chest.
Seventeen.
The premiere is bright and loud. The flashes are blinding. It's all one huge blur now, and Hayden always says he'll remember these nights, but he doesn't. He never remembers premieres. He remembers the first one, and then the rest just snowball until they're all the same.
Sixteen.
There's something different about Ewan tonight -– it might be the hair, or the suit, or the fact that he's clean-shaven. It's not as though Hayden hasn't seen Ewan since he returned from the Long Way Round. It's not as though Hayden's never seen Ewan done up and spit-shined, and Hayden's mind flashes to naked skin and dark bruises and teeth.
Sharp, white, shiny teeth -– all the better to make a meal of your heart with.
Fourteen.
Naked bodies, sweaty and writhing. Gasping and moaning. Neanderthal grunting, and again with the teeth -- and beards. Bristly, scratchy beards. Not in a bed or a trailer, but against the wall, with scrabbling fingers and shoving. Hayden thinks there was probably a lot of shoving. Ryan Gosling looks like he would shove, and Ewan likes to play rough.
Hayden knows this from experience.
Eleven.
There's this gap of time between when they shot Revenge of the Sith and when they got back together for reshoots. Hayden shouldn't even really call it a gap, because a gap is like three to six months, and this was a whole fucking year. Ewan went from Australia to wherever he shot Stay with Ryan Gosling, and then he was off with Charley.
Hayden spent Christmas in Toronto, with his family.
A year is a long time.
Nine.
Ewan is smiling at him. No one else. Just him.
Eight.
Hayden watched a film with Ryan Gosling in it once. The film was called The Believer; it was a really fucking hard film to watch, not because of the directing or the editing or the dialogue (George), but because of the subject. Jewish skinheads are not fluffy subject matter.
Ryan -– Gosling –- Hayden has no idea how to refer to this person that he's never met before. Ewan calls him Ryan, but that's because they made a film together. It's a good film according to Ewan, but Ewan's always diplomatic about his films. He never says they were rubbish, or that the experience sucked arse –- he might say that privately to Jude -– but he's never said that to Hayden, and Hayden's getting all kinds of sidetracked here.
He wonders what Ewan said about him to Ryan.
He wonders if Ewan said anything at all.
Six.
The thing that struck Hayden the most about Ryan Gosling's performance in The Believer was that it was good. Really fucking good in an honest, strip yourself raw way, and Hayden hasn't really done that yet. People tell him they really enjoyed Shattered Glass -- but nobody's ever said 'you changed my life.'
The Believer is a life-changer kind of film.
It's the kind of script that Hayden never gets. He knows Revenge of the Sith isn't method acting material, but it's a bastion of cinematic something or other. It's supposed to propel him to greater things -- that's what Maya said, and oh god, what if Hayden is Mark Hamill? He doesn't want to be Darth Vader forever. He doesn't want to be that guy who did that film that one time, and yeah, whatever happened to that guy?
Four.
The jealousy thing isn't new. Hayden knows it's not. He has no right to be possessive of a man -– a married man -– who has an enormous tattoo bearing the names of his wife and children on his right arm. That's never stopped him before. It would be nice if he didn't have to endure this sort of pain. It would be nice if he could meet someone else -– someone younger and closer to his age. Someone like Ryan Gosling -– but without that person having fucked Ewan, too.
Three.
There are people who aren't comfortable with their sexuality -– and then there's Ewan. Ewan isn't like anyone Hayden has ever met, and Ewan's going to kiss him now; Hayden can tell by the lean. Ewan is all about the lean. And the tilt of his head. And the gold eyelashes.
Fuck.
Two.
If he can't have Ewan's mouth on his –- kissing at premieres and after long shoots and at the end of the day -- then really what's the point after all? Who decided that Hayden should fall for Ewan in the first place? Hayden wants to file a complaint. He wants to know why he couldn't be cold and contained or just not give a fuck.
Why can't he be like everyone else in this business?
One.
Oh.
Hayden gets it now.
Maybe he can't have everything he wishes for –- but he can have this.
-end-
Title from the Radiohead song, because I heart The Bends like Jude Law loves his reflection. Beta byserialkarma who can now proudly display her I <3 Darth Woobie pin now :D
Also, thank you to everyone who has contributed so selflessly to ensuring that Star Wars RPS gets me a first-class ticket to hell.
Star Wars RPS
Hayden Christensen/Ewan McGregor/Ryan Gosling (gasp!) + you know, other people
Disclaimer: As real as Pamela Anderson's breasts.
*Dedicated to
theantimodel, oxoniensis and researchminion for their tireless perseverance in giving me all-Ryan-all-the-time. Special thanks to monkeycrackmary for hosting the kiss stared at around the world.All film premieres are the same -- but they don't tell you this when you're a struggling actor, just praying you'll get another callback so your agent won't 'let you go'.
When you're going to audition after audition after audition, and banging your head against the wall in the bathroom because you tanked and forgot a whole third of a monologue, they don't tell about the photographers blinding you so you stagger into your publicist and nearly trip over your own two feet.
They never tell you the golden rules about not spreading your legs where you get your paycheck and nothing lasting past 'that's a wrap' when you're a twenty-something enamored of your leading man.
The industry comes with all these catches and hitches and things you never know you're not supposed to do until you've already done them, and someone is pissing on your head.
Hayden missed the class where they talked about getting over your co-stars -- and that's why he thinks he's going to pass out from blood loss any minute now, because Ewan is strolling towards him, surely making his way along the red carpet, and Hayden feels just as young as he did walking onto the set almost five years ago now.
He can feel the tremours in his fingers. He thinks that now might be a good time to die; you can do a lot in eighteen seconds. You can jump off a bridge or finish a race. You can see your entire life flash before your eyes or plan your entire day. You can smile like you mean it when inside you're bleeding from having your heart ripped out your chest.
Seventeen.
The premiere is bright and loud. The flashes are blinding. It's all one huge blur now, and Hayden always says he'll remember these nights, but he doesn't. He never remembers premieres. He remembers the first one, and then the rest just snowball until they're all the same.
Sixteen.
There's something different about Ewan tonight -– it might be the hair, or the suit, or the fact that he's clean-shaven. It's not as though Hayden hasn't seen Ewan since he returned from the Long Way Round. It's not as though Hayden's never seen Ewan done up and spit-shined, and Hayden's mind flashes to naked skin and dark bruises and teeth.
Sharp, white, shiny teeth -– all the better to make a meal of your heart with.
Fourteen.
Naked bodies, sweaty and writhing. Gasping and moaning. Neanderthal grunting, and again with the teeth -- and beards. Bristly, scratchy beards. Not in a bed or a trailer, but against the wall, with scrabbling fingers and shoving. Hayden thinks there was probably a lot of shoving. Ryan Gosling looks like he would shove, and Ewan likes to play rough.
Hayden knows this from experience.
Eleven.
There's this gap of time between when they shot Revenge of the Sith and when they got back together for reshoots. Hayden shouldn't even really call it a gap, because a gap is like three to six months, and this was a whole fucking year. Ewan went from Australia to wherever he shot Stay with Ryan Gosling, and then he was off with Charley.
Hayden spent Christmas in Toronto, with his family.
A year is a long time.
Nine.
Ewan is smiling at him. No one else. Just him.
Eight.
Hayden watched a film with Ryan Gosling in it once. The film was called The Believer; it was a really fucking hard film to watch, not because of the directing or the editing or the dialogue (George), but because of the subject. Jewish skinheads are not fluffy subject matter.
Ryan -– Gosling –- Hayden has no idea how to refer to this person that he's never met before. Ewan calls him Ryan, but that's because they made a film together. It's a good film according to Ewan, but Ewan's always diplomatic about his films. He never says they were rubbish, or that the experience sucked arse –- he might say that privately to Jude -– but he's never said that to Hayden, and Hayden's getting all kinds of sidetracked here.
He wonders what Ewan said about him to Ryan.
He wonders if Ewan said anything at all.
Six.
The thing that struck Hayden the most about Ryan Gosling's performance in The Believer was that it was good. Really fucking good in an honest, strip yourself raw way, and Hayden hasn't really done that yet. People tell him they really enjoyed Shattered Glass -- but nobody's ever said 'you changed my life.'
The Believer is a life-changer kind of film.
It's the kind of script that Hayden never gets. He knows Revenge of the Sith isn't method acting material, but it's a bastion of cinematic something or other. It's supposed to propel him to greater things -- that's what Maya said, and oh god, what if Hayden is Mark Hamill? He doesn't want to be Darth Vader forever. He doesn't want to be that guy who did that film that one time, and yeah, whatever happened to that guy?
Four.
The jealousy thing isn't new. Hayden knows it's not. He has no right to be possessive of a man -– a married man -– who has an enormous tattoo bearing the names of his wife and children on his right arm. That's never stopped him before. It would be nice if he didn't have to endure this sort of pain. It would be nice if he could meet someone else -– someone younger and closer to his age. Someone like Ryan Gosling -– but without that person having fucked Ewan, too.
Three.
There are people who aren't comfortable with their sexuality -– and then there's Ewan. Ewan isn't like anyone Hayden has ever met, and Ewan's going to kiss him now; Hayden can tell by the lean. Ewan is all about the lean. And the tilt of his head. And the gold eyelashes.
Fuck.
Two.
If he can't have Ewan's mouth on his –- kissing at premieres and after long shoots and at the end of the day -- then really what's the point after all? Who decided that Hayden should fall for Ewan in the first place? Hayden wants to file a complaint. He wants to know why he couldn't be cold and contained or just not give a fuck.
Why can't he be like everyone else in this business?
One.
Oh.
Hayden gets it now.
Maybe he can't have everything he wishes for –- but he can have this.
-end-
Title from the Radiohead song, because I heart The Bends like Jude Law loves his reflection. Beta by
serialkarma who can now proudly display her I <3 Darth Woobie pin now :DAlso, thank you to everyone who has contributed so selflessly to ensuring that Star Wars RPS gets me a first-class ticket to hell.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 08:04 pm (UTC)Now I'm off to look up the flick Ewan and RG made together...
Thanks for some lovely visuals!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:37 pm (UTC)*Not stupid in the sense of him being stupid (Darfur shirt!), but in the sense of making other people stupid.
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Date: 2005-06-13 08:25 pm (UTC)Fantastically angsty and yet it seems very real. Everything about the heart and broken and shreds and smiling. Just damn. It's kind of like that saying "the best comedy is truth," the best angst is truth.
And for some reason, this Ryan Gosling looks like he would shove, and Ewan likes to play rough. Hayden knows this from experience. just got me.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:39 pm (UTC)I have never heard that comedy remark before, but it's just begging for me to write a story for it and who am I to say no to the Force?* Also, thank *you* for being so damn enabling, you rock!
*The Dark Side of the Force, naturally. That other side has crap pay and no medical benefits.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 08:35 pm (UTC)Sharp, white, shiny teeth -– all the better to make a meal of your heart with.
This has to be one of my favourite lines all year, more so because I can actually rememeber it and repeat it to myself at opportune moments.
And dude, how did I forget about The Believer? And I saw that just because of you going on about how good it was. How did I let Ryan slip from memory?
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:41 pm (UTC)This has to be one of my favourite lines all year, more so because I can actually rememeber it and repeat it to myself at opportune moments.
The credit for that all belongs to
Also, I will pretend you never forgot the Ryan, because dude,
Jamie!Ryan!no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 08:42 pm (UTC)Hayden spent Christmas in Toronto, with his family.
For some reason, this was such a cute sentence to me. Aww!
or the dialogue (George)
I cracked up at this. Too true.
It would be nice if he could meet someone else -– someone younger and closer to his age.
He is woobie! So much love. And I kind of hope he does, too. Though he has Ewan. And Ewan is Ewan and that's tough to beat. Because, Ewan.
I've seen The Believer and yeah, such an intense film. Ryan is excellent. And, well, hot. Extremely so.
I'm on such a vapid fangirl high right now I find it hard to say anything very profound but yeah, THANK YOU for being such an incredible writer. Always a pleasure to find something you've written on my flist.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:43 pm (UTC)The c-n-p works fine for me, I'm just happy that you enjoyed it so much. That's what's important to me. Thank you so much for all your kind words :)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 08:45 pm (UTC)Also, you got me into your RPS! (does this fandom have a name? Ewan 'n friends? Ewan 'n friends's effect on Hayden?)
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Date: 2005-06-15 10:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 09:10 pm (UTC)heeeeee.
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Date: 2005-06-15 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 09:37 pm (UTC)Love the way it feels like lightning-fast flashes of memory, all mounting up until the kiss. And then it's oh. And we all get it.
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Date: 2005-06-15 10:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 10:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 10:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 11:12 pm (UTC)Lastly, Darth Woobie, omgwtf. I have morbid intrigue towards this pin.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 01:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2005-06-13 11:49 pm (UTC)And you're totally welcome. Oh, and I have to ask, are these fics (you know, your SW arc), your first RPS experience? I mean, did you only write FPS before that? Just curious.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:51 pm (UTC)No, this is actually my second descent into madness, many many moons ago I wrote LOTRips (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=hackthis) as well. Of course I've written a lot of things, so ;)
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Date: 2005-06-14 12:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:51 pm (UTC)Exactly.
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Date: 2005-06-14 01:36 am (UTC)Love the build up of his thoughts, mixed with lust and memories and longing, before accumulating into teh one kiss. Mmm. And you even slip in a mention of Jude, whee! Lovely work as usual, and don't worry, I'm accompanying you to hell for enjoying this RPS ride a bit too much ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:54 pm (UTC)It's all part of my insidious dark plot. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 03:40 am (UTC)Ow. And yes.
Ewan isn't like anyone Hayden has ever met, and Ewan's going to kiss him now; Hayden can tell by the lean. Ewan is all about the lean. And the tilt of his head. And the gold eyelashes.
Hah. Ewan does totally go in for the kill in that little clip, doesn't he?
The road to hell is paved with
good intentionshot pictures of boys kissing.no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:55 pm (UTC)No shit!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 03:52 am (UTC)Heeeee.
oh god, what if Hayden is Mark Hamill?
LMAO.
Oh.
Hayden gets it now.
Maybe he can't have everything he wishes for –- but he can have this.
Ooooh. Shot to the heart, right there.
I heart The Bends like Jude Law loves his reflection.
*loves*
Yeah, so where's the donation jar? I've got to do all I can to support the cause. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:56 pm (UTC)That's what I like to see -- enthusiam for the cause! The Dark Lord will remember this later :)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 09:49 am (UTC)Meanwhile, another stellar effort.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:58 pm (UTC)Jude is necessary. Like green vegetables and vaccinations. You don't have to like it, but you need it.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 01:58 pm (UTC)*guh*. I've been reading your stuff for so long, before I joined the LJ world and you never fail to just make me melt. I love your writing style and I love Ryan Gosling and I love this piece.
And I've been wanting to rent The Believer so when I find it, it's a done deal.
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Date: 2005-06-15 11:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 02:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 11:02 pm (UTC)I whole-heartedly agree; when are you going to write some?
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 02:37 pm (UTC)I suck for not reviewing earlier, having read all of these and
Eh, going back to the review now. I have to say that I haven't seen Revenge of the Sith yet and that I don't read RPS often and that I never even liked Hayden before. Despite all that I have fallen madly in love with this world you have created, because it just fits so well, the different stories all work together. I love the characterisation, I can't say it is real, because I don't exactly know but it sure does seem it and if not real than wonderfully fictional. I love your Hayden and of course your Ewan and Jude they are so complete. I adore all of Hayden's angsting and how cool Ewan is and all the incorporation of lovely facts (the pants and the whooshing, hehe) And now I want to quote things back to you, but there are too many things for me to chose from so I will go now before I embarrass myself with the fangirling. *recs all of these, yay*
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 11:09 pm (UTC)As a lady once said, 'there's a sort of greatness to your lateness,' so you know, how on earth can I hold it against you when you bring me such pretty images to work with? I am so very pleased that you've enjoyed reading these stories even if you've not seen RotS or are into Hayden (neither was I until that GD photoshoot, I assure you). Thank you so much for your lovely comments!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 08:38 am (UTC)Oh, Hayden. My heart just sort of aches for him in this. At least in the beginning. What a wonderful twist on The Kiss.
It's supposed to propel him to greater things -- that's what Maya said, and oh god, what if Hayden is Mark Hamill? He doesn't want to be Darth Vader forever. He doesn't want to be that guy who did that film that one time, and yeah, whatever happened to that guy?
I love the build-up, not only to Ewan's presence but of Hayden's ever-increasing panic. And I love that it's not entirely centered on Ewan, but on everything tangential to him as well.
It would be nice if he could meet someone else -– someone younger and closer to his age. Someone like Ryan Gosling -– but without that person having fucked Ewan, too.
Hey, Hayden might mind, but the rest of us? Not so much, I'm guessing.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 07:04 pm (UTC)Just amazing story all around. :)