hackthis_archive | (no subject)

WHO is his bf, g-damn it? I need to KNOW! Find out.

well, I guess it would help if you knew that Toothy Tile is a guy that Ted talks about all the time being an A-lister in closet with a beard and yadda, lots of people think it's Jake

what? NO you did NOT.

hm hm hm

you know I could buy that Toothy is Jake and Jared is the bf. What about you?

OH!

Yes, because I thought they were talking about Brad and George. THANK you!

Er, have we not discussed my general lack of interest in rps? (Um. Unless it involves callum keith rennie, apparently.)

You think I'm not fucking trying?!

you can like whatever you want. I don't care.

I think the best part about that blind item was that you thought it was Brad and George. oh hell.

Oh, no, see that's a whole different kettle of fish. They are so yesterday's Boom Boom Room. Kass, you know I want to write that conversation all of a sudden right?

"I want to buy a gay club."

"That's nice, sweetheart."

"I hate it when you call me sweetheart, you sound like my mom."

"I know -- why do you think I do it. Speaking of your mom, I heard you were cheating on me and using your mom's house as a fucking train station for your Man Trade. George, that's just lazy. Making your ma trade go all the way to Kentucky."

"Says the man who's using Angelina Jolie as a surrogate mother for his children."

"Details...details..."

Shit. I have to write more of this, don't I?

I think the best part about that blind item was that you thought it was Brad and George. oh hell.

I was still focused on the part where they're buying a gay bar together! I think that's the funniest thing I've heard all morning!

I could, except that Jared's already been called out as a completely seperate BV on Ted's column. It's apparently well known that Jared plays for both teams, but his most recent jailbait girlfriends (that Olsen twin among others ain't the wiser). Right. So, Ted says (much like Simon says) that the reason Jared broke up with his last GF was because he decided he was more into one side of the fence than the other. God, if they were dating. K -- that could be the next Color of Wheat.

do you think it was Pete Saarsgard he beat up? that would be fucking classic

Shit. I have to write more of this, don't I?

See? Who cares if they're all 2004? It's FUNNY.

"I wouldn't need Angie if you'd agree to adopt with me."

"Can it, I'm not the fatherhood type."

"You're the buying a gay bar type."

"And you're the redecorating a gay bar type. You in?"

"I'm always in, Toothy Tile," sweetheart.

The True Adventures of Two Bisexual Actors In Love.

"How many times have I told you I am not Toothy Tile."

"Riiight."

"Remind me of this the next time there's a Blind Item about you and your latest piece on the side."

"Who cares about my Rainbow Tribe when your using your mom's house as Grand Central. Is it true that Jake Gyllenhaal is your new piece?"

"Don't I wish--"

"You know, I heard he was working on an article with The Advocate. Wouldn't it be great press if he were the face of the new Boom Boom Room?"

"Are you trying to fix me up?"

"Not at all, I was just saying. A nice piece of fresh meat might be just what an old man needs--"

"What did I tell you about leaving the beastiality at home?"

"With the kids? No way."

*blinks*

Dude. I'm thinking, right, with this new Boom Boom Room, B&G are going to need an ambassador to the gay community. I mean they're tearing down a landmark of some sort, you don't want to alienate the punters. This is the sort of thing that you call your agent and say, so, who can you get me to make this look good. Ari calls back, "I can out half of the Hollywood Hills -- what do you want? Black, white, Latino, girl, boy, both, transsexual, name it."

"I don't know, surprise me."

"Two words, Jared Leto."

"I like it, tell me more."

"Two more words, Jake Gyllenhaal."

"He's out?"

"I didn't know he was in! Don't worry about it, I can get you both, half-price."

"Half-price?"

"Yeah, I know Jared's dealer."

The version you put up yesterday of Get Him Back sounded fuzzy - I don't know if it was my player or what but here's a clearerversion (http://s8.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=2X20FUDDF49S70ZFPSUJF68HEX) if you want it. Do you want any other songs from that album?

"And don't call me old."

"You look good, why're you so touchy about that, old man?"

"Why did you give Jen the house?"

"Ouch! It was to save someone I know from being drug through the rags."

"Someone you're going to buy a gay bar with and convert it into a gay friendly B&B?"

"Someone just like that, yeah."

Well, that version comes from the leaked EM from the start of the year, so you know, I'm not surprised the quality wasn't the best, but I am always happy for music. Yis. :D

um...

and if I were to buy you Tom Welling, you would write this, right? I mean, I can HELP. no worries. and beta. and pimp. and *head blows up*

That version I put up comes from the leaked version too. I will send you more - is your gmail working yet?

This is like an all new level of crack. Ari working as a pimp, err, agent for Brad and George to get Jake and Jared as the gay ambassadors for the new Boom Boom Room. My brain. It's like fucking exploding from the OD.

There are all sorts of 'outings' in the entertainment industry. There's the outing in terms of being fired by your board of trustees, a la, Michael Ovitz, and only finding when you can't get in your office in the morning. There's a Tom Cruise level of outing in which everyone knows your gay, but is too afraid of upseting the golden goose, and your cadre of cult attack dogs, to actually admit it. There's the Harvey Fierstein level of outing, which isn't an out as much as it's redecorating the entire closet and throwing Gay Pride in your front hall. And then there's Jake's level of coming out, which isn't a coming out as much as it's a hesitant sort of, "Do I have enough money to live on when this blows up in my face sort of thing."

After all, Jake is a liberal, and his family loves him, and he'll never lack for money -- but Jake's not stupid. Stupid people don't go to Columbia.

Of course, if Jake were bright then maybe he would know better than to listen to his agent, when she says, "Sweetie, I've got the best job offer ever for you, you will die when you hear it."

"Mia, it's like four o'clock in the morning."

"And your point is what? I know you're up watching those Sci-Fi marathons instead of preparing for your Jarhead press, don't tell me tall tales Jake Gyllenhaal, I know your mother."

And Jake sighs, because Mia does know his mother, and his sister, and his father, and she's not adverse to calling all three to gang up on him when she thinks he's about to do something stupid.

Jake sighs and turns down the volume on Tripping the Rift. "All right, Mia, make me an offer I can't refuse."

...

Jake was watching BSG and Mary Suing himself as Apollo's bf, do NOT front.

No! *kicks*

The Gyllenhal is currently on my TV being interviewed by Conan O'Brien. Jake G. told an anecdote about being a lifeguard and dealing with jellyfish stings.

And Conan has shown Arnold Shwarzenegger commercials from Japan that are *WHACKED* They'd wipe the image of Sheppard singing Sex Bomb and dealing with pantie-throwing hoardes from your mind quite effectively.