hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2005-12-16 12:02 pm
hackthis_archive) wrote2005-12-16 12:02 pm
(no subject)
Dear Retailers:
Why the fuck is everything OUT OF STOCK? How do you call yourselves retailers if you've not got anything to sell?! When I am queen I'm just going to use my death ray and blowup all of your establishments, especially you Dooney & Bourke! Who does their holiday shopping in advance? I mean seriously? Who knows what the fuck to get people in September?
Be on alert,
me
--
Dear family,
On my behalf,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
issaro drafted this letter:
Dear Family-
I tried to buy you the perfect gift but it was out of stock/unavailable. So I tried to buy you the second bestest gift but it was sold out. So I tried to get you any old thing but there was none to be had. A conspiracy of this magnitude could only be orchestrated by The Man - by which I mean Santa. And who am I to go against the wishes of the Man?
Here's your piece of coal.
Merry XMas!
me
---
Dear flist,
I was going to post music for you today, but I am too busy having a fit to do so. Please accept this raincheck. Also, should anyone be able to produce the Gary Lightbody/ Thom Yorke/ Damon Alban Make Trade Fair adverts my day would improve greatly.
Regards,
me
---
Dear THE MAN:
Damn you.
Save the empire,
me
Why the fuck is everything OUT OF STOCK? How do you call yourselves retailers if you've not got anything to sell?! When I am queen I'm just going to use my death ray and blowup all of your establishments, especially you Dooney & Bourke! Who does their holiday shopping in advance? I mean seriously? Who knows what the fuck to get people in September?
Be on alert,
me
--
Dear family,
On my behalf,
issaro drafted this letter:Dear Family-
I tried to buy you the perfect gift but it was out of stock/unavailable. So I tried to buy you the second bestest gift but it was sold out. So I tried to get you any old thing but there was none to be had. A conspiracy of this magnitude could only be orchestrated by The Man - by which I mean Santa. And who am I to go against the wishes of the Man?
Here's your piece of coal.
Merry XMas!
me
---
Dear flist,
I was going to post music for you today, but I am too busy having a fit to do so. Please accept this raincheck. Also, should anyone be able to produce the Gary Lightbody/ Thom Yorke/ Damon Alban Make Trade Fair adverts my day would improve greatly.
Regards,
me
---
Dear THE MAN:
Damn you.
Save the empire,
me
no subject
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilset?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Cafilly, if you
please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bell Paisey?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
.
.
.
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
no subject