hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2006-03-29 11:08 am
hackthis_archive) wrote2006-03-29 11:08 am
O11/HP – My Brother's Keeper (The One with the Cackle Bladder)
I still can't string more than a few words together. Clearly this is just a figment of your imagination, so the three of you who share these two fandoms with me can thank ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zeplum.
Ocean's 11/ Harry Potter <-- no, that's not a typo.
Rusty. Danny. Narcissa. Lucius. Other people, too.
My Brother's Keeper (The One with the Cackle Bladder)
1.
The fact that Lucius Malfoy didn't even wait until the war was over to have his younger brother, Robertus, Erased from the Malfoy family tree said a lot about how badly Robertus had fucked up by being himself.
From the time they were small Robertus had been a pain in Lucius' side, using his own charm to divert attention away from where it not-so rightly belonged -- on Lucius. With the rise of Lord Voldemort Lucius was determined to move as far up the Death Eater ladder as possible rather than being burdened with a younger brother who preferred flash and glamour to dead bodies and snake tattoos. As far as Robertus was concerned, if he was going to be marked, he was going to chose how and with what.
Robertus was also fully aware that Lucius could've just Avada Kedavra'd him and been done with it, but there was something rather gauche about killing one's own brother. However, by Erasing Robertus they technically were no longer related, and then Lucius would be free to bring all the glory back to himself. Being Erased was a few steps further up on the paperwork chain than what had happened to Robertus' cousin-in-law, Sirius. Sirius was just disowned –- or he left, depending on who you asked. Of course, Sirius also got sent to Azkaban for betraying his best friends, but Robertus' didn't like to think too hard about things like that, because Sirius had been family.
Being Erased meant that Robertus' family had chosen to forget about him, it didn't meant that he'd forgotten about them. He certainly hadn't forgotten about his sister-in-law, Narcissa, who was too good for Lucius anyway. He would have married her himself if he hadn't been only sixteen at the time. Plus, there was that whole matter with Lucius wanting him dead, and rather than going through some whole tiresome battle-to-the-death with Lucius, Robertus enlisted Narcissa to help him fake his own death, and subsequently, he left for America.
It was Robertus' very first con job.
He was two days shy of his eighteenth birthday.
2.
Robertus Nero Phineas Malfoy met Daniel Ocean fresh off of the TransColonial Floo from London. Actually, Robertus wasn't fresh, he was smelly and stale from travel with soot in his ears and smeared on his cheeks. He had 68 Galleons, 13 Sickles and 2 Knuts in his pocket, and he had no idea what he was going to do with himself in America. He was a Malfoy, and Malfoys weren't particularly well known for their work ethic.
It didn't help that Robertus had left all of his would-be friends behind in England and was now in the Colonies where he didn't know anyone. Everyone had these strange accents he couldn't quite grasp, and there were just so many of them. It was unseemly. And off-putting.
Robertus' might've been intimidated, but Malfoys never spoke of such things. So, when Robertus caught sight of a wizard doing magic in plain view of innumerable Muggles, he was slightly appalled.
Here was this dark-haired Colonial happily zapping Muggles with his wand, which was disguised as some sort of newspaper, and convincing them to give him green dirty paper.
Robertus would've taken no notice of it, but as he was walking past one of these charms-in-progress, the American happened to look up and give Robertus the biggest grin he'd ever seen.
It was a grin full of promise, dirty innuendo, and all the prurient things that Robertus had been forced to leave behind, and he paused only for a moment before continuing on his way. He thought no more of it until he found himself outside the Floo Station, slightly cowed by all the people and the lights and the noise. The noise was terrific -– terrifically awful.
Robertus was jostled this way and that until he could hardly figure out which way was what, and when he reached into his pocket for his wand to cast a Protegio to keep away the filthy vermin, he instead found a white bit of paper with a name and an address.
Robertus' fingers had just brushed over the 'O' in Ocean when he felt a familiar pull in his navel and sighed.
He hated traveling by portkey.
3.
Daniel Ocean lived in a hovel; Robertus was more than slightly appalled at the lack of house elves and fabulous furniture. Daniel's home was clean in a minimalist, poor sort of way -– but it lacked any sort of character or pageantry. There weren't even that many rooms, just one for sleeping, one for washing, and one with a sofa and a strange black box with a glass screen.
Robertus shook his head as he took in his surroundings and sighed. It wasn't as though he had a home of his own at the moment to compare it to, he didn't have anything beside the clothes on his back and the money in his pocket, but he still had standards.
He started rather abruptly when there was a crack from the other room, and picking up the nearest weapon, a shoe, he crept around the corner from the bedroom to the sitting room.
The dark-haired boy -- Daniel -- stood in the centre of the room, holding a paper bag, and he fixed Robertus with a wry smile. "I wasn't sure you would come."
Robertus scowled and threw the shoe at his head. "You have my wand. You gave me a portkey. I didn't have any choice."
Daniel ducked as the shoe sailed right past where his head had been. "You're welcome," he said with the smirk, tossing Robertus his wand before opening the paper bag and laying out several white cartons. "I'm sorry I didn't have time to woo you properly or to save you from all the Muggles, but I was working, and you were distracting me."
"I was distracting you?" Robertus exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. The whole war thing had left him rather tense. Most people had only had to worry about being killed by the opposition, Robertus had had to worry about being killed by his only family.
Daniel made a snorting noise. "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"
"I was travelling!" Robertus protested hotly, wiping blindly as his face. "People get dirty when they travel I'll have you know."
"I meant you were distracting in a good way," Daniel said blandly.
Robertus narrowed his eyes, even as his stomach growled. He hadn't eaten in forever. "Thank you, Daniel."
Daniel's smirk slipped into a grin. "Don't mention it -–" he paused, waiting for Robertus to fill in the gap.
"Robertus. Robertus Nero Phineas Malfoy."
Daniel paused in opening the little white boxes, from which the most heavenly smells were emanating. "That's a mouthful, how about we try something a little shorter," he said, offering Robertus something from a tiny white bag that crinkled loudly. "Like Robbie or Rusty."
Daniel reached in the white bag himself and pulled out a small wrapped and fried object. He bit off the end and made a sexual noise. "I love egg rolls," he said, waving the bag at Robertus again.
Robertus wrinkled his nose, but took one step closer and then another. "Do not ever call me Robbie, Daniel," he said taking the proffered egg roll and biting into it gingerly. It was hot. And good. Except there was no egg. That was rather puzzling. "That's just -- that's a hideous mangling of a perfectly acceptable –"
Daniel cut him off. "Danny," he said matter-of-factly around a mouthful of egg roll. "Call me Danny, Rusty. The only person who calls me Daniel is Uncle Saul –- and my mom."
Robertus paused. "Danny," he said, trying it out as Danny plopped down on the sofa across from him and picked up a fork and a white carton.
Rusty ate the rest of his egg roll thoughtfully as Danny ate something with noodles -– Rusty and Danny -- yeah, it sounded all right.
-The end-
I think.
FYI: Cackle-bladder, The Word of the Day courtesy ofrossywar, is when grifters fake a death.
zeplum. Ocean's 11/ Harry Potter <-- no, that's not a typo.
Rusty. Danny. Narcissa. Lucius. Other people, too.
1.
The fact that Lucius Malfoy didn't even wait until the war was over to have his younger brother, Robertus, Erased from the Malfoy family tree said a lot about how badly Robertus had fucked up by being himself.
From the time they were small Robertus had been a pain in Lucius' side, using his own charm to divert attention away from where it not-so rightly belonged -- on Lucius. With the rise of Lord Voldemort Lucius was determined to move as far up the Death Eater ladder as possible rather than being burdened with a younger brother who preferred flash and glamour to dead bodies and snake tattoos. As far as Robertus was concerned, if he was going to be marked, he was going to chose how and with what.
Robertus was also fully aware that Lucius could've just Avada Kedavra'd him and been done with it, but there was something rather gauche about killing one's own brother. However, by Erasing Robertus they technically were no longer related, and then Lucius would be free to bring all the glory back to himself. Being Erased was a few steps further up on the paperwork chain than what had happened to Robertus' cousin-in-law, Sirius. Sirius was just disowned –- or he left, depending on who you asked. Of course, Sirius also got sent to Azkaban for betraying his best friends, but Robertus' didn't like to think too hard about things like that, because Sirius had been family.
Being Erased meant that Robertus' family had chosen to forget about him, it didn't meant that he'd forgotten about them. He certainly hadn't forgotten about his sister-in-law, Narcissa, who was too good for Lucius anyway. He would have married her himself if he hadn't been only sixteen at the time. Plus, there was that whole matter with Lucius wanting him dead, and rather than going through some whole tiresome battle-to-the-death with Lucius, Robertus enlisted Narcissa to help him fake his own death, and subsequently, he left for America.
It was Robertus' very first con job.
He was two days shy of his eighteenth birthday.
2.
Robertus Nero Phineas Malfoy met Daniel Ocean fresh off of the TransColonial Floo from London. Actually, Robertus wasn't fresh, he was smelly and stale from travel with soot in his ears and smeared on his cheeks. He had 68 Galleons, 13 Sickles and 2 Knuts in his pocket, and he had no idea what he was going to do with himself in America. He was a Malfoy, and Malfoys weren't particularly well known for their work ethic.
It didn't help that Robertus had left all of his would-be friends behind in England and was now in the Colonies where he didn't know anyone. Everyone had these strange accents he couldn't quite grasp, and there were just so many of them. It was unseemly. And off-putting.
Robertus' might've been intimidated, but Malfoys never spoke of such things. So, when Robertus caught sight of a wizard doing magic in plain view of innumerable Muggles, he was slightly appalled.
Here was this dark-haired Colonial happily zapping Muggles with his wand, which was disguised as some sort of newspaper, and convincing them to give him green dirty paper.
Robertus would've taken no notice of it, but as he was walking past one of these charms-in-progress, the American happened to look up and give Robertus the biggest grin he'd ever seen.
It was a grin full of promise, dirty innuendo, and all the prurient things that Robertus had been forced to leave behind, and he paused only for a moment before continuing on his way. He thought no more of it until he found himself outside the Floo Station, slightly cowed by all the people and the lights and the noise. The noise was terrific -– terrifically awful.
Robertus was jostled this way and that until he could hardly figure out which way was what, and when he reached into his pocket for his wand to cast a Protegio to keep away the filthy vermin, he instead found a white bit of paper with a name and an address.
Robertus' fingers had just brushed over the 'O' in Ocean when he felt a familiar pull in his navel and sighed.
He hated traveling by portkey.
3.
Daniel Ocean lived in a hovel; Robertus was more than slightly appalled at the lack of house elves and fabulous furniture. Daniel's home was clean in a minimalist, poor sort of way -– but it lacked any sort of character or pageantry. There weren't even that many rooms, just one for sleeping, one for washing, and one with a sofa and a strange black box with a glass screen.
Robertus shook his head as he took in his surroundings and sighed. It wasn't as though he had a home of his own at the moment to compare it to, he didn't have anything beside the clothes on his back and the money in his pocket, but he still had standards.
He started rather abruptly when there was a crack from the other room, and picking up the nearest weapon, a shoe, he crept around the corner from the bedroom to the sitting room.
The dark-haired boy -- Daniel -- stood in the centre of the room, holding a paper bag, and he fixed Robertus with a wry smile. "I wasn't sure you would come."
Robertus scowled and threw the shoe at his head. "You have my wand. You gave me a portkey. I didn't have any choice."
Daniel ducked as the shoe sailed right past where his head had been. "You're welcome," he said with the smirk, tossing Robertus his wand before opening the paper bag and laying out several white cartons. "I'm sorry I didn't have time to woo you properly or to save you from all the Muggles, but I was working, and you were distracting me."
"I was distracting you?" Robertus exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. The whole war thing had left him rather tense. Most people had only had to worry about being killed by the opposition, Robertus had had to worry about being killed by his only family.
Daniel made a snorting noise. "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"
"I was travelling!" Robertus protested hotly, wiping blindly as his face. "People get dirty when they travel I'll have you know."
"I meant you were distracting in a good way," Daniel said blandly.
Robertus narrowed his eyes, even as his stomach growled. He hadn't eaten in forever. "Thank you, Daniel."
Daniel's smirk slipped into a grin. "Don't mention it -–" he paused, waiting for Robertus to fill in the gap.
"Robertus. Robertus Nero Phineas Malfoy."
Daniel paused in opening the little white boxes, from which the most heavenly smells were emanating. "That's a mouthful, how about we try something a little shorter," he said, offering Robertus something from a tiny white bag that crinkled loudly. "Like Robbie or Rusty."
Daniel reached in the white bag himself and pulled out a small wrapped and fried object. He bit off the end and made a sexual noise. "I love egg rolls," he said, waving the bag at Robertus again.
Robertus wrinkled his nose, but took one step closer and then another. "Do not ever call me Robbie, Daniel," he said taking the proffered egg roll and biting into it gingerly. It was hot. And good. Except there was no egg. That was rather puzzling. "That's just -- that's a hideous mangling of a perfectly acceptable –"
Daniel cut him off. "Danny," he said matter-of-factly around a mouthful of egg roll. "Call me Danny, Rusty. The only person who calls me Daniel is Uncle Saul –- and my mom."
Robertus paused. "Danny," he said, trying it out as Danny plopped down on the sofa across from him and picked up a fork and a white carton.
Rusty ate the rest of his egg roll thoughtfully as Danny ate something with noodles -– Rusty and Danny -- yeah, it sounded all right.
-The end-
I think.
FYI: Cackle-bladder, The Word of the Day courtesy of
rossywar, is when grifters fake a death.
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I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
Re: I am Whitney motherfucking Houston, goddammit.
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email smackdown winging your way.
Robertus Nero Phineas Malfoy met Daniel Ocean fresh off of the TransColonial Floo from London.
WHO said to me "never writing them again"? Who was that...huh.
he instead found a white bit of paper with a name and an address.
Robertus' fingers had just brushed over the 'O' in Ocean when he felt a familiar pull in his navel and sighed.
He hated traveling by portkey.
The oldest tricks are the best tricks.
IT SOUNDS ALRIGHT, YEAH!
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Dude! What the lady said. Mwahahaha. They'll soon end up in Chino. You know it.
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I wonder if Rusty taught Sirius that 'fake your own death thing'. It'd make more sense than that damned veil.
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For an exercise, and mainly because my head's about to 'splode from mobile home nonsense, I may endeavour to write Linus into this little cauldron.
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DANNY AND RUSTY AS WIZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't mind me, I'll just be sitting in the corner shaking from the AWESOME.
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You know, because I didn't love you enough BEFORE.
This is rockin' rock cake with rock garnish and rock sauce. What bribery will you take for more?
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[claps and spins]
This makes my heart cackle with devilish delight.
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*is blinded by the brilliance of teh cracked-outedness*
That is a kind of genius I can only aspire to. It also gives Ocean's 13 a whole new possible world of connotations, for which I must thank you.
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Rusty Malfoy... Why not? :)
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Why not. That's how I make most of my crack.
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