hackthis_archive (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hackthis_archive) wrote2008-07-08 08:59 am
hackthis_archive) wrote2008-07-08 08:59 am
Entry tags:
Iron Man – Snips & Snails & Puppy Dog Tails (Tony, Pepper, Happy, Jarvis, Rhodey - PG)
July 3rd was ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
serialkarma's birthday.
She said write me a story about this image. I said, WTF? And then there was crack. Love the crack.
Iron Man
Pepper, Tony, Jarvis, Happy, Rhodey
Rated PG
Snips & Snails & Puppy Dog Tails
It's not easy to faze Virginia Potts; she has flaming red hair and freckles that she's been teased about her entire life; her last relationship ended when her boss printed out a slew of e-mails her current boyfriend was sending to his ex-boyfriend, and that same boss that currently signs her paychecks is also a flying, egotistical, superhero genius with a giant hole in his chest that requires regular maintenance by her hand.
By those standards, anything else should be the equivalent of tying shoelaces, but Pepper's nothing if not cautious. She's intelligent enough to consider descending blindly into Tony Stark's workshop an adventure requiring equal parts bravery and stupidity.
"Yip!"
Today, it might be more of the latter.
It would help Pepper greatly if, when she went into the workshop, her boss was actually there.
Every light is on, there's a stack of espresso cups in the sink, Guns-n-Roses are screeching 'Welcome to the Jungle' and a glass of something brown with ice cubes is on one of the workstations.
If the ice hasn't melted, Tony can't have gone far.
"Jarvis?" she asks, looking around in confusion. "Where's Tony? He called and said he'd either discovered the cure for cancer or odor-less shoes, and then the line went dead."
"Miss Potts, it seems there's been an accident." If Pepper didn't know better, she would think that Jarvis was prevaricating.
"Define the word 'accident'," Pepper says, picking her way carefully through Tony's projects. There's no telling what might explode and embed shrapnel in her chest or magically start vibrating and singing 'Genie in a Bottle'.
"Accident. A noun. Defined as 'anything that happens by chance without an apparent cause'. Also 'a mishap; especially one causing injury or death'."
Pepper's blood turns to lead; she can't move another step. "Tell me Mr. Stark isn't dead, Jarvis."
"No, not dead, Miss Potts. Definitely not dead."
"Yip!"
There's that noise again; it sounds like a dog, but that's just crazy talk. "Jarvis, is there something wrong with your auditory output? What's that noise?"
"I am running at optimal capacity, Miss Potts. In fact, I just –"
"Enough. What are you not –"
Pepper's words die off in her throat when she comes upon the dog lying on top of Tony's graphic 3-D interface. It's definitely a mutt of some sort; it's got the black wiry hair of a Terrier, the size of a young Boxer, the paws of a St. Bernard and a giant white star on its forehead.
It looks way too young to be fully grown, especially with paws that size; it must be a puppy. Fabulous.
"Yip," the puppy barks, scrambling to his feet and whining.
Pepper blinks. "Jarvis, why is there a puppy in the workshop?"
"I believe that is the accident you were looking for."
"That's not –- no." Pepper can feel her eyes widening. "Not funny, Tony!"
The puppy's whining grows and Pepper takes several steps back until something catches her eye -- the arc generator embedded just north of the puppy's front legs.
Somehow she missed the clothes pooled on the floor on her first pass.
"Oh my god." Now is not the time for her to have a panic attack. "Tony?"
She's not screaming; Pepper Potts doesn't scream, except for when her voice pitches very very high. In her defense, it's not every day that her boss gets turned into a dog.
There is a certain karmic justice to this situation, though.
Pepper crouches and eyes the puppy carefully. "Tony?" The puppy wags his tail ardently and Pepper groans. "I just can't leave you alone at all, can I?"
The puppy circles the flat service twice, kicking two screwdrivers, a glove and a slew of papers onto the floor. Then he lifts his leg and pees on the imaging arm.
"Tony, no!" Pepper scolds. "If you pee on Jarvis, he's never going to help you become human again."
Judging by Tony's bark of satisfaction, he doesn't care.
Pepper rubs her forehead; so much for that conference call with Tokyo today.
Pepper had a dog when she was younger, a mixed-breed sheepdog named Toby. She loved Toby dearly even though he liked to jump on her and muddy her clothes, and he left hair all over everything.
By the time her family adopted Toby from the pound he was far too big to treat like a puppy. Tony, though, Tony is the perfect size to crawl all over Pepper's lap, shedding on her new Valentino skirt.
She can hardly focus on the computer screen for Tony demanding her attention. Typical.
"I'll remember this later," Pepper warns when Tony puts his hind legs on her chest and licks her face exuberantly.
He's totally taking advantage of the situation.
"Okay, Jarvis," she says, petting Tony absently when he curls up on her lap, "you have to fix this."
"I'm working on it, Miss Potts, but I have no idea what exactly Mr. Stark was working on when this occurred, which means I have to go through every file he had open and every line of code, line by line, to draw an accurate picture."
Pepper sighs at all the open applications on the monitor. None of it makes any sense to her, and far be it from Tony to make any of his notes legible to anyone else. There are schematics, post-its, ripped envelopes and something that looks like a sex toy shopping list. Oh. Kay.
"Jarvis, is there any video from this morning?"
Any hints about this fiasco might –- Pepper's fingers tangle in Tony's fur when a black and white video of Tony fucking yet another bleach-blond gold-digger appears on the plasma screen.
Pepper thought the arc generator might slow Tony down, apparently not.
"No, Jarvis!" Pepper snaps. "That's not what I meant; I meant something in the workshop. And fully clothed."
"Sorry, Miss Potts," Jarvis says blithely. "That's the first video of the day."
Pepper looks down at Tony's whimpering, apparently she's pulling on his fur a little hard.
"Go away," she says, shooing him off her lap. "I can't work under these conditions."
If a puppy could pout, that's what Tony would be doing; instead, he snorts, shakes his head and trots off.
This is so disturbing; Pepper is going to want a big bonus when this is over. Huge. Bigger than the whole Stella McCartney fall collection. Bigger than that shopping spree at Bergdorf's'. For this, she's going to want her own island.
Brushing it off, Pepper turns back to the computer as though an answer will pop up suddenly. "Jarvis, help me," she pleads. "I can't tell the Stark Board of Directors he's turned into a mongrel."
Although they might just think she's being figurative.
"I'm doing what I can, but working through Mr. Stark's projects will take some time," Jarvis intones. "Might I suggest canceling his meetings for a next day or so? Perhaps the next week."
"The next week?" Pepper needs a drink. "This isn't permanent, is it?"
"I really don’t know. Processing the data will take some time."
"That's the second time you said that. Define 'some time'."
"Mr. Stark had sixteen working folders open when the accident occurred. Based on the size of the files and the various applications, twenty-one hours and forty-nine minutes."
That's at least twenty hours too long.
"Jarvis, he turned into a dog," Pepper hisses. "There can't be that many files entitled 'How to Turn into a Dog,' can there? Has he been working on some sort of metamorphosis project recently? A laser? A 'Let's Really Make Pepper Miserable Today' folder? He was supposed to be working on the Mark 4 Iron Man suit."
"Mr. Stark always has several projects running at the same time. There's a cloaking device he's been perfecting for visits to Hugh Hefner's home that—"
"Stop. Don't tell me. Just fix it, please."
"I'll do what I can."
Pepper pushes the chair away from the computer; she can't solve anything this way. She needs help. She needs a drink.
She's a woman, what she really needs is her purse.
"Tony?"
There's no sound, no yip, no scrabbling of nails on the hard flooring. Her Tony antennae stand on end.
"Tony?"
When she told him to go away, she didn't mean to go that far away. Typical man. Or dog. Whatever.
Her heels clatter up the stairs quickly, and when she stalks into the living room, she stops cold. Tony's squatting over her purse in a rather unmistakable way
"Tony Edward Stark, if you're doing what I think you're doing, I'm finding the nearest vet and having you neutered," she says sharply.
Tony whimpers and tucks his tail between his legs, scampering away when Pepper crosses the room to snatch up her Birkin bag.
"That's what I thought," she says, extracting her PDA from her handbag.
Pepper had to wait two whole months for this purse to be available in ostrich; if Tony had ruined it, she would've skinned him to make a new one.
The Stark bag: the only one of it's kind.
"Just remember who the dog is in this relationship," she warns, speed-dialing Happy.
Tony barks loudly, Pepper ignores him while waiting for the phone to be answered.
"Pepper?"
"Hi, Happy. I know today is your day off, but Tony's turned himself into a dog and Jarvis is trying to fix it. Would you come and take him for a walk before we have another accident and I drown him in the bathtub?"
There's not really much anyone can say to that.
"Um, sure?" Happy offers after a long pause.
"Good answer," Pepper says before hanging up. "And you," she says, pointing a finger at Tony, "you, stay."
Pepper's unwrapping a rather large raw steak when Happy comes back from taking Tony out for his walk.
"Who knew a puppy could produce so much waste?" Happy says, wrinkling his nose and waving several plastic bags in Pepper's direction.
Pepper laughs as Happy heads down to the garage to dispose of Tony's various gifts, and she pats Tony on the head when he trots over.
When he licks her fingers and paws at her, she rolls her eyes indulgently. "All right, Mr. Stark. Will it be the Kobe beef or the Kobe beef?"
Tony yips once and Pepper grins. "I thought so," she says, trying not to trip over him as he runs around the kitchen excitedly. She busies herself putting Tony's steak on a plate and looking for a bowl to act as a water dish.
"You got him steak?" Happy's back from disposing of the trash, and he washes his hands before invading the refrigerator.
"Is there a problem with that?" she says dryly, emptying out the fruit basket and filling it up with water. If Tony gets dehydrated, she'll never hear the end of it. She's not even contemplating that this might be permanent. Absolutely not. That's unacceptable. "I would've brought home the whole cow, but I had to draw a line somewhere."
"I'm not saying that you have to give him table scraps," Happy backtracks, emerging from the fridge with two beers in hand. "But, Pepper, seriously? How much did that cost?
"I put it on my business card; only the best when the boss is paying," she says with a grin, picking up the steak and stumbling over Tony.
"Tony, if I trip over you, hit my head on the counter and have to go to the hospital, you won't get fed. Remember that."
Tony yaps impatiently, and Pepper rolls her eyes. "Always demanding, aren't we?" she says, setting his dinner down on the floor and stepping back to get out of his way.
He may be a puppy, but apparently, Tony attacks everything with the same sort of zeal. He slops water all over the floor and tears into the steak as though it might get away; it's a good thing she bought more than one steak.
When she glances up, Happy's watching Tony with the same sort of horrified fascination.
"We couldn't give him dog food," she says in a mock scolding tone. "Do you know how many preservatives they put in that dry kibble? Didn't you hear about the recalls after all those pets died? Would you want to deal with that when he changes back?"
Happy considers this for a moment. "He'll say we were trying to kill him," he agrees, handing her her beer.
Pepper nods as they click their bottles together in solidarity. Anything to get through this in one piece.
"So," Happy begins, making the hairs on Pepper's forearms stand on end, "are you taking him home?
"Am I taking who –- Tony? In my house? Absolutely not."
"So you're staying here."
"Why would I -– oh, no. No."
"You can't leave him alone."
"What do you mean 'I' can't..." Pepper stops fighting, because Happy's right. There's nobody else but her.
They both look over at Tony, and for the first time all day, he's quiet. In fact, he's sitting on his haunches, looking at her balefully with water dripping from his muzzle, and she just knows that he understands everything they're saying.
Tony Stark, Dog Genius.
Pepper is a problem solver, first and foremost. It's what she gets paid for.
She doesn't get paid to deal with power surges that occur just as she's finally getting a chance to sit down in front of Tony's computer to watch the video feed from this morning.
Clearly this is some sort of terrorist plot created to, well, terrorize her. It won't work. Probably.
"Jarvis?" Pepper pokes at the hard drive several times when the computer screen goes black. Then the lights in the workshop turn some sort of bunker shelter red, and Tony yaps in irritation from where he's sniffing at her Louboutains.
"You are so not helping." Pepper glares down at Tony, but he's far too interested in licking her shoes to notice. "Jarvis, what's going on?"
"I'm afraid there's been a power surge, Miss Potts. All systems are off-line for the moment."
"Are you joking? Please tell me this is a joke. First Tony, and now you. Ha ha ha. Play the joke on Pepper. I get it. Not funny."
"I'm afraid this is not a joke; systems are off-line except for emergency back-up. However, I expect to be operational within the next six hours."
"Six hours?" Pepper is not great friends with incredulousness. She doesn't do impossible either. She's Pepper Potts, dammit.
She's not defeated; she just needs a drink.
Maybe two.
Pepper's decompressing in the living room with a triple vodka tonic and Sex and the City on a portable DVD player. Tony's nestled firmly against her side, and occasionally, when he nudges her in the ribs, she scratches behind his ears. Both the DVD player and Tony get knocked onto the floor when Rhodey flies through the door. He's not flying literally, but it's close. She probably shouldn't have left him all those messages saying it was a family emergency.
In fact, Rhodey's moving so fast that he's almost down the stairs into the workshop before he hears her calling his name. He only backtracks when he sees her standing in the middle of the living room. "Pepper, tell me he didn't blow up another weapons arsenal in – when'd you get a dog?"
Tony yaps excitedly as Rhodey comes closer, trotting over and demanding to be petted. Pepper shakes her head. "That's not my dog."
"Tony got a dog?" Rhodey asks, crouching down to pat Tony on the head. "Since when? Why'd you let him get a dog? You know he can't even take care of himself."
Pepper watches as Tony rolls over, presenting his tummy to be rubbed. He's completely without shame. "When has anybody ever been able to control Tony?"
Rhodey looks up. "He gave the dog an arc generator too, that's real special. I left in the middle of a debrief, so this better be good. Where's Tony at?"
Tony barks again and Pepper smirks beatifically.
Rhodey looks down at the puppy gnawing on his finger and then back at Pepper. "What?" Pepper gestures downwards and she can see Rhodey pondering what she's implying. "You're joking."
Pepper waves her hands dismissively.
"You're not joking," Rhodey says slowly.
Tony yips, gets to his feet and begins pawing at Rhodey.
"That means he wants you to pick him up," she explains. "Or possibly play catch. I don't have a whole lexicon just yet."
Tony yaps rapidly when Rhodey picks him up by the scruff of his neck. "Are you telling me that this is Tony?" he says, shaking Tony slightly.
"Yes."
"Tony Stark?"
"Is there another Tony we have in common?"
Tony's yapping becomes louder and louder, and Pepper steps in and takes him away from Rhodey. "Behave yourself," she says, stroking his coat and scolding him lightly.
"Oh, shit," Rhodey says quietly.
"Pretty much."
"I guess Iron Man's on vacation for the time being," he offers weakly.
Pepper hadn't contemplated that upside. "You could be Iron Man." The words tumble out before she realizes what she's saying, and Tony starts barking loudly in her arms. She can barely hold him with the wriggling and twisting. Finally, she drops him; he mostly lands on his feet.
Oops.
"You think he's trying to tell us something?" Rhodey asks as Tony runs in circles around his feet, barking like a guard dog on speed.
Pepper looks at Tony's tiny teeth trying to embed themselves in Rhodey's jean-clad calves and smiles broadly. "No, I don't think so," she says.
Maybe this is why Tony decides to relieve himself on Rhodey's shoes.
"Sleeping over" is not something that Pepper does. She has no doubt that Tony would build her a whole wing complete with a motorized wardrobe and separate entrance if she asked, but that's not what she wants. Working late is one thing, moving in is quite another.
Pepper may work 25 hours/8 days a week, but she likes the façade of having her own life. Which is probably why she's so disoriented when she wakes up in the middle of the night, pissed off that she was interrupted before she got to kiss Clive Owen.
In the darkness, it takes a while for the whimpering noises to register.
Pepper has to scoot over several feet to turn on the bedside light, and by the time she's on her feet the whimpering has become baying and scrabbling.
Who knew puppies could make so much noise?
When she opens her door, Tony streaks in. Pepper sighs loudly as he paws at the bed skirt and tries to climb up. "You know this is totally unacceptable behavior, right?" she asks, knowing full well he can't answer.
When he turns those huge brown eyes on her, he seems almost panicked.
"Fine," she concedes, shutting the door and crossing back towards the nightstand. Tony whacks her with his tail as Pepper lifts him onto the bed, and she pauses, watching Tony rolling around and chasing his tail.
She's such a sucker for animals in need -- two-legged and four-legged, apparently -- this is so sad.
"If you weren't tiny and furry, there's no way you would be in my bed," she warns. "Don’t forget that, Mr. Stark."
She's probably just imagining that look on Tony's face; she's sure puppies don't smirk.
Tony's not in the bed when Pepper wakes up, which suits her fine, because she woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was crushing her and it turned out Tony had fallen asleep on her chest.
He's not slick.
It's strange walking around Tony's house barefoot; Pepper's shoes are part of her armor and without them her toes are exposed to the marble, the shag rug and more marble.
Of course, Pepper just slept in one of Tony's tee shirts and a pair of his sweatpants, the propriety line was crossed a long time ago. This would probably make her feel uncomfortable if Tony hadn't turned into a dog.
At least without her shoes, she's less likely to sever Tony by stomping on his tail.
Tony's not in the living room or under the piano or whimpering at the door, waiting to go out for a walk. She doesn't know whether to be relieved or worried, but since this is Tony she'll go with the latter.
"Jarvis, where's Tony?" she asks, pausing in the kitchen to fill up the fruit bowl with water.
"He's in the workshop, Miss Potts."
"The workshop?! Has he changed back? Is he -–"
"No, he's still in canine form."
There's something else next to the bowl that looks suspiciously like dried dog food and Pepper closes her eyes. She told Happy to take Tony for walks, not kill him with this crap. Tony must've done something bad, like defecating in the car.
"Great, just fucking fabulous," Pepper sighs, turning on the coffee maker. Her boss is still a dog. It'll take at least three minutes for the coffee maker to generate the vat of coffee today is going to require, she might as well check on Tony in the meantime.
Sure enough, Tony's in the workshop, sprawled on his sofa with paws akimbo and Top Gear on the TV. The programming must be Happy's choice, the rest of it is all Tony.
Especially the totally inappropriate way he's playing with himself.
"I can't believe you're licking yourself in front of me," she says, covering her eyes.
Tony yips and Pepper turns away.
"Coffee," she says decisively. "I'm not dealing with you until I've had coffee and a shower. And maybe a Xanax."
There's something decidedly twisted about Pepper finding a collar and a leash in the depths of Tony's closet, but she wouldn’t have gone looking in there if she didn't know exactly what she would find. Pepper's under no illusions about the sexual exploits of her employer; she cleans up after them all the time.
There's actually more than one collar to choose from, but Pepper's not a heroin-addicted starlet downing shots at Les Deux, so she's not leaving the house with Tony wearing a studded collar that says 'My Bitch' in rhinestones.
Oh, who is she kidding?
She'll never get a chance like this one ever again.
There's plenty of women's clothing at Tony's house, but Pepper has entirely too much self-respect and hygiene awareness to consider putting on something that was once worn and flung into the rafters of Tony's bedroom by anyone who has graced the pages of Hustler, Playboy, Penthouse, Maxim, FHM, Loaded or any combination thereof.
Common sense would say that Pepper should just drive home and get a change of clothes, but there is no way she's letting Tony run amok in her house. Pepper can just imagine him bursting in while she's getting dressed and refusing to leave. Tony may be a dog, but Pepper is under no illusions about what's going in his head.
Of course, considering the way Tony's drooling out the passenger side window of her car, maybe she's overestimating his mental capabilities by a large amount.
Her Bluetooth beeps at her and Tony barks. "Pepper Potts," she answers crisply. She's cancelled all of Tony's meetings for the next 48 hours, but that doesn't mean she's not on the clock.
"Hey, Pepper, it's me." 'Me' being Rhodey.
"Hey, me," she says, hanging a right down Melrose.
"How are things today?"
"How do you think?" Pepper stops for a red light, and Tony goes haywire when a wafer-thin girl carries her cocker spaniel through the crosswalk.
"Tony's still a dog, huh?" Pepper can hear the amusement in Rhodey's voice.
"Both literally and figuratively."
"You got any plans on how to correct that?"
"Jarvis is still working on it," Pepper says, taking off when the light changes, "but I had to get out of the house before we both went crazy."
"Good plan, where are you?"
"I need some clothes, and then we're going to the dog park."
"You're taking Tony to a dog park?"
"Did you forget about the part where he's a dog?"
"Do you really think that's a good idea?"
"What's the worst that could -–"
"Fighting with bigger dogs, Tony knocking up every bitch he sees, dog-napping, the arc generator getting knocked out and you ending up with a dead Tony -– do you want me to go on?"
Pepper sighs as she pulls into the ivy-covered parking lot at Fred Segal. "Fine, I get the point. Would you like to baby-sit by any chance?"
"You know, I think we're having a crisis in Pakistan. I'll call you back."
"You are such a coward," Pepper retorts, parking the car and grabbing Tony by the collar to put his leash on. It's red patent leather.
"Hey, I know where my strengths lie," Rhodey says before hanging up.
Some day Pepper's going to find this hysterical; right now she's reminded of that line in Goonies about baby-sitting without getting paid. Tony just snorts as Pepper opens the door and leads him out of the car.
There are dogs scattered all over the outside brunch area, mostly little pampered poodles and fluffy dogs that make Pepper shake her head. Why you would torture your dog by putting it in a pink hoodie is beyond her. What did the animal ever do to you?
Tony is as social as ever, and Pepper's not even in the front door before she's dragging Tony away from some over-pampered bitch.
Once a dog, always a dog.
The owner of the Shin Tzu seems rather appalled that Tony would even dare to sniff around her dog, but Pepper just rolls her eyes and drags Tony along. That woman would wet herself if she knew that the Tony Stark was sniffing around her precious furball.
The store is filled with the de rigueur starlets, trust fund babies, A-listers and teenage girls having brunch or spending thousands of dollars on scraps of cotton. Pepper just wants a pair of jeans and a shirt or two. Maybe a jacket. Oh, and underwear. She's already had to hand wash this pair.
"I heard you've been letting the riff-raff in here again," Pepper says to a slim Latina woman flipping through racks of Catherine Malandrino dresses. "What happened to your standards?"
The woman whips around in a fraction of a second, her face flipping from annoyed to pleased to confused. "I beg your -- Pepper! Have you been reading -– what are you wearing?" Martha is the assistant manager at Fred Segal, she knows Pepper's name, address, and Black American Express card number by heart.
Pepper ignores the inquiry about her faded M.I.T. shirt and the oversized sweatpants; she knows they don't match her four-inch heels. "I hate to shop and run, but I need some stuff and I need it fast."
Tony yips for attention, his tail wagging back and forth like a windshield wiper, and Martha bends down with a smile. "And who's this?"
"This is trouble," Pepper says, pulling Tony's leash to keep him from climbing down the vee of Martha's wrap dress.
Martha pats Tony on the head dutifully. "Nice collar."
"I thought so," Pepper laughs. "Is there someone who can watch him for a second while I get the things I need?"
Martha beckons over one of her assistants. "This is Miss Potts. Give her anything she wants and watch her dog."
Pepper grins as she hands over Tony's leash. "Thanks, Martha, you're the best."
"Remember that when you're debating if you need to buy that extra pair of shoes," Martha says with a wink.
"You can never have too many shoes," Pepper agrees sagely before heading off to the jeans section.
She's in the dressing room when it all goes wrong. She's only left Tony alone for five minutes -- okay, more like fifteen -- but Pepper knows that bark when she hears it.
All that girl had to do was hold his leash.
When Pepper charges out of the changing area, arms full of shirts, jackets, jeans, her purse and other sundries – Tony owes her this – it's even worse than she thought.
There's Tony and a couple toy poodles, at least one Chihuahua and several fish stick thin girls who are tabloid fodder. One of who may or may not be Paris Hilton. And all Pepper can think is there's a reason people don’t let her buy animals anymore.
"What on earth are you doing to him?" Pepper demands, grabbing Tony's leash and yanking him away from the melee. There are entirely too many pointy heels near Tony's head, and if someone knocks out his arc generator, Pepper will choke that person with her bare hands.
"I'm sorry!" the shop assistant pleads. "I just turned away for a minute and then he was all over her dog—"
"STOP!" Pepper commands. "I don't even want to know," she says, dropping all the clothes in her arms and scooping up Tony instead. In true Tony Stark form, he seems completely oblivious to the chaos around him. In fact, he slobbers all over her hands as she checks him over for injuries and starlet cooties.
"If your mutt gave my baby fleas," one of the vapid size 2's trills. As though she could be so lucky.
"You insult him again," Pepper retorts, "and fleas will be the least of your worries."
The girl backs away under Pepper's withering glare, and Pepper turns back towards the shop assistant. "Here," she says, yanking the tags off the jeans and shirt she's wearing. "Tell Martha to charge my account. And tell her I'm not coming back."
Pepper's halfway out the door when she hears Martha calling her name, but she's had enough of this. She shoves Tony in the Audi and peels out of the parking lot, leaving the smell of burning rubber behind her.
She's in Century City before she realizes that she left her shoes in the dressing room, and when she glares at Tony in the seat beside her, he looks truly abashed. At least he is if his lack of tail-wagging is anything to go by.
"I can't take you anywhere, can I?" she sighs.
Tony thumps his tail weakly and Pepper has a thought.
Somewhere in the world, one day, there might be little Tony Stark bastard puppies; this fills her heart with untold glee.
She's a wicked, evil woman, but for that she can blame her boss.
Pepper's pulling into the driveway when her Bluetooth rings; it's Jarvis. "Miss Potts, I believe I've found the source of Mr. Stark's accident."
In her excitement, Pepper floors the gas instead of the brake and almost drives into the side of the house. Thankfully, things like that don't happen to her and she only crushes a few bushes. When Tony yaps irritably beside her, she ignores him.
"Jarvis, if you were corporeal, I would kiss you."
"Miss Potts, I'm touched. Really." Jarvis sounds somewhere between pleased and slightly arrogant, just like his boss.
"We'll be right there," she says, cutting the engine and grabbing Tony by the collar. "C'mon, Mr. Stark, it's time my baby-sitting gig came to an end."
Tony scrabbles in her grip, and she ends up tucking him under her arm like a football.
The front door is already unlocked, and Pepper marches directly down into the workshop. "Jarvis, talk to me," she demands, speaking a bit louder over Tony's whining. "What the hell is going on?"
"I've studied the video," Jarvis states, projecting footage on the wall, "and it appears that Mr. Stark was opening the mail when this accident happened."
Tony's whining gets louder and Pepper hushes him. "Jarvis, Tony doesn't get his mail delivered here. I don't even think he knows where the post office is."
"Yes, ma'am, but my records indicate that Mr. Stark received a parcel at approximately 10:38 Tuesday morning, which he signed for himself."
Pepper blinks bemusedly as Jarvis shows Tony signing for a package at the door and then heading back inside. Five minutes earlier there's video of the package delivery guy approaching the front door -- but further back there's no footage of a delivery truck.
"Jarvis, there's no truck for the delivery guy."
"Yes, according to the video I've collected, no vehicle of any sort arrived or departed the area before this delivery. Furthermore, no one arrived until two-hours and thirty-nine minutes after the delivery, when you arrived, Miss Potts."
This is so weird.
"This is so weird," she says aloud.
"There's more."
"Of course there's more," Pepper sighs, "Ow!"
"Yip!"
Pepper can't believe Tony bit her; serves him right that she dropped him on his head. "You better run," she snaps as he scampers off to hide.
"Tell me the rest," Pepper says, pointing and arching her toes. The concrete is entirely too cold for her to be standing on, so she grabs the closest chair and sits down.
She just knows she's not going to like this.
"It appears that Mr. Stark brought the package down here and then forgot about it for sometime," Jarvis says, fast forwarding through footage of Tony puttering around the workshop, Tony chasing the fire extinguisher dummy around the workshop, Tony with his hands down his –- okay.
Jarvis eventually slows down for real time. "If you'll look closely," he says, zeroing in on Tony at his computer, "you'll see Mr. Stark retrieving the package from somewhere near his feet..."
Pepper sighs again.
"…and then he removed the contents of the package…"
She already knows where this is going.
"…if you look there you can see a hand-written note and an item that appears to be a device of some sort… or possibly a remote control judging by the large button…"
"Jarvis," she interrupts," can you zoom in on the contents of the envelope?"
The penmanship of the note leaves a lot to be desired; Pepper can't make out much beyond, 'Captain America' and 'Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D' -- but the sinking feeling in her stomach speaks volumes.
She's told Tony about playing with the other superheroes; the very large 'PRESS HERE' post-it on the device says it all.
Of course Tony pressed the big red button. It's Tony. She supposes she should be happy the device didn't say 'EAT ME'.
If Tony is Alice in Wonderland, she hopes that doesn't make her the White Rabbit; she'd much rather be the Queen of Hearts, so she can chop off his head.
Tony's subsequent transformation into a puppy before her eyes doesn't even shock her that much, but it is rather amusing to look at. "Jarvis, can you save that tape for me? I may want it at a later date."
"Of course, Miss Potts," he replies dutifully, as she gets to her feet and paddles over to Tony's desk. Sure enough, buried underneath all the papers that Tony peed on, there's the post-it, and when Pepper crouches down to look under the desk there's the puppy-maker device and the envelope.
And Tony.
He growls low in this throat when she reaches in to grab the envelope; Pepper just rolls her eyes. She doesn't have time for this now. Maybe Tony would be menacing if he didn't have floppy ears and a tail, but he does.
She uses one of Tony's spare screwdrivers to push the device out from underneath the desk, making sure to keep all her limbs well clear. Sadly, her glaring is wasted on something that isn't sentient.
"Okay, I'm going to switch Mr. Stark back now, keep your fingers crossed," she announces, just in case it doesn't work and Rhodey has to figure out why there are now two puppies running around.
"I don’t have fingers, but I assure you my wires are all yours, Miss Potts."
"That's sweet, Jarvis, thanks. Also, if this doesn't work, call Colonel Rhodes immediately."
"Of course. Have you considered how you'll get Mr. Stark to press the button, though?" Jarvis queries. "It's not as though he has fingers in his current state, and the device hasn't been investigated, you have no idea what may happen if he comes in contact with—"
"Jarvis, if you can't be helpful, shut up," Pepper replies, reaching back under the desk and grabbing Tony by his collar. He seems just as shocked as she is by her decisiveness, and he barks wildly when Pepper plonks him down on top of the big, red, puppy-making button.
The flash wasn't nearly this bright on video.
When Pepper stops seeing spots she's blinded again by a naked Tony sitting at her feet still wearing a collar that says 'My Bitch.'
"Wow, Potts, this is kinky," Tony says, staring at her wryly for several seconds before getting to his feet.
She's never been so happy to see Tony Stark naked in her entire life.
"Just remember that you like licking my feet," she says pointedly.
"Is this the part where I say I don't remember anything about what just happened?" Tony seems completely unfazed about standing in front of her completely exposed.
Pepper rolls her eyes. "The next time you and your friends at S.H.I.E.L.D. want to act like Furries, get someone else to look after you.".
"Furries? Potts, even I have to draw the line somewhere."
"Are you sure about that, because I've been dragging you all over town wearing a collar that says 'My Bitch'."
Tony pats at his neck curiously and then smiles broadly. "Okay, yes, it’s true, I'm totally a bitch for you."
Pepper smirks as she turns on her heel. "I know. And as my bitch, you should know that I'm taking the rest of the day off, effective immediately."
"Right now?" Tony trails after her as she heads upstairs. "But who's going to feed me steak and let me drool on their chest?"
Pepper pauses on the stairs and Tony bumps into her. "You are never to mention that again," she says, turning around and narrowing her eyes.
Tony's pout worked better when he had four legs and a tail. "You mean we can't do it again tomorrow?"
Pepper grabs Tony by his collar and drags him so close she can count his eyelashes. "You remember what I said about having you neutered at the 24 hour vet?" Tony opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, and Pepper smiles toothily. "That's what I thought, Mr. Stark."
Tony wobbles precariously when she releases him suddenly, and he takes a step back. "You're the boss, Miss Potts," he says, nodding his head dutifully.
Pepper grins and taps his collar. "And don’t you forget it."
-end-
Happy Birthdayserialkarma
Huge thanks toissaro and sparky77 for encouragement and laughing in all the right places when I was banging my head against the wall.
serialkarma's birthday. She said write me a story about this image. I said, WTF? And then there was crack. Love the crack.
Iron Man
Pepper, Tony, Jarvis, Happy, Rhodey
Rated PG
Snips & Snails & Puppy Dog Tails
It's not easy to faze Virginia Potts; she has flaming red hair and freckles that she's been teased about her entire life; her last relationship ended when her boss printed out a slew of e-mails her current boyfriend was sending to his ex-boyfriend, and that same boss that currently signs her paychecks is also a flying, egotistical, superhero genius with a giant hole in his chest that requires regular maintenance by her hand.
By those standards, anything else should be the equivalent of tying shoelaces, but Pepper's nothing if not cautious. She's intelligent enough to consider descending blindly into Tony Stark's workshop an adventure requiring equal parts bravery and stupidity.
"Yip!"
Today, it might be more of the latter.
It would help Pepper greatly if, when she went into the workshop, her boss was actually there.
Every light is on, there's a stack of espresso cups in the sink, Guns-n-Roses are screeching 'Welcome to the Jungle' and a glass of something brown with ice cubes is on one of the workstations.
If the ice hasn't melted, Tony can't have gone far.
"Jarvis?" she asks, looking around in confusion. "Where's Tony? He called and said he'd either discovered the cure for cancer or odor-less shoes, and then the line went dead."
"Miss Potts, it seems there's been an accident." If Pepper didn't know better, she would think that Jarvis was prevaricating.
"Define the word 'accident'," Pepper says, picking her way carefully through Tony's projects. There's no telling what might explode and embed shrapnel in her chest or magically start vibrating and singing 'Genie in a Bottle'.
"Accident. A noun. Defined as 'anything that happens by chance without an apparent cause'. Also 'a mishap; especially one causing injury or death'."
Pepper's blood turns to lead; she can't move another step. "Tell me Mr. Stark isn't dead, Jarvis."
"No, not dead, Miss Potts. Definitely not dead."
"Yip!"
There's that noise again; it sounds like a dog, but that's just crazy talk. "Jarvis, is there something wrong with your auditory output? What's that noise?"
"I am running at optimal capacity, Miss Potts. In fact, I just –"
"Enough. What are you not –"
Pepper's words die off in her throat when she comes upon the dog lying on top of Tony's graphic 3-D interface. It's definitely a mutt of some sort; it's got the black wiry hair of a Terrier, the size of a young Boxer, the paws of a St. Bernard and a giant white star on its forehead.
It looks way too young to be fully grown, especially with paws that size; it must be a puppy. Fabulous.
"Yip," the puppy barks, scrambling to his feet and whining.
Pepper blinks. "Jarvis, why is there a puppy in the workshop?"
"I believe that is the accident you were looking for."
"That's not –- no." Pepper can feel her eyes widening. "Not funny, Tony!"
The puppy's whining grows and Pepper takes several steps back until something catches her eye -- the arc generator embedded just north of the puppy's front legs.
Somehow she missed the clothes pooled on the floor on her first pass.
"Oh my god." Now is not the time for her to have a panic attack. "Tony?"
She's not screaming; Pepper Potts doesn't scream, except for when her voice pitches very very high. In her defense, it's not every day that her boss gets turned into a dog.
There is a certain karmic justice to this situation, though.
Pepper crouches and eyes the puppy carefully. "Tony?" The puppy wags his tail ardently and Pepper groans. "I just can't leave you alone at all, can I?"
The puppy circles the flat service twice, kicking two screwdrivers, a glove and a slew of papers onto the floor. Then he lifts his leg and pees on the imaging arm.
"Tony, no!" Pepper scolds. "If you pee on Jarvis, he's never going to help you become human again."
Judging by Tony's bark of satisfaction, he doesn't care.
Pepper rubs her forehead; so much for that conference call with Tokyo today.
Pepper had a dog when she was younger, a mixed-breed sheepdog named Toby. She loved Toby dearly even though he liked to jump on her and muddy her clothes, and he left hair all over everything.
By the time her family adopted Toby from the pound he was far too big to treat like a puppy. Tony, though, Tony is the perfect size to crawl all over Pepper's lap, shedding on her new Valentino skirt.
She can hardly focus on the computer screen for Tony demanding her attention. Typical.
"I'll remember this later," Pepper warns when Tony puts his hind legs on her chest and licks her face exuberantly.
He's totally taking advantage of the situation.
"Okay, Jarvis," she says, petting Tony absently when he curls up on her lap, "you have to fix this."
"I'm working on it, Miss Potts, but I have no idea what exactly Mr. Stark was working on when this occurred, which means I have to go through every file he had open and every line of code, line by line, to draw an accurate picture."
Pepper sighs at all the open applications on the monitor. None of it makes any sense to her, and far be it from Tony to make any of his notes legible to anyone else. There are schematics, post-its, ripped envelopes and something that looks like a sex toy shopping list. Oh. Kay.
"Jarvis, is there any video from this morning?"
Any hints about this fiasco might –- Pepper's fingers tangle in Tony's fur when a black and white video of Tony fucking yet another bleach-blond gold-digger appears on the plasma screen.
Pepper thought the arc generator might slow Tony down, apparently not.
"No, Jarvis!" Pepper snaps. "That's not what I meant; I meant something in the workshop. And fully clothed."
"Sorry, Miss Potts," Jarvis says blithely. "That's the first video of the day."
Pepper looks down at Tony's whimpering, apparently she's pulling on his fur a little hard.
"Go away," she says, shooing him off her lap. "I can't work under these conditions."
If a puppy could pout, that's what Tony would be doing; instead, he snorts, shakes his head and trots off.
This is so disturbing; Pepper is going to want a big bonus when this is over. Huge. Bigger than the whole Stella McCartney fall collection. Bigger than that shopping spree at Bergdorf's'. For this, she's going to want her own island.
Brushing it off, Pepper turns back to the computer as though an answer will pop up suddenly. "Jarvis, help me," she pleads. "I can't tell the Stark Board of Directors he's turned into a mongrel."
Although they might just think she's being figurative.
"I'm doing what I can, but working through Mr. Stark's projects will take some time," Jarvis intones. "Might I suggest canceling his meetings for a next day or so? Perhaps the next week."
"The next week?" Pepper needs a drink. "This isn't permanent, is it?"
"I really don’t know. Processing the data will take some time."
"That's the second time you said that. Define 'some time'."
"Mr. Stark had sixteen working folders open when the accident occurred. Based on the size of the files and the various applications, twenty-one hours and forty-nine minutes."
That's at least twenty hours too long.
"Jarvis, he turned into a dog," Pepper hisses. "There can't be that many files entitled 'How to Turn into a Dog,' can there? Has he been working on some sort of metamorphosis project recently? A laser? A 'Let's Really Make Pepper Miserable Today' folder? He was supposed to be working on the Mark 4 Iron Man suit."
"Mr. Stark always has several projects running at the same time. There's a cloaking device he's been perfecting for visits to Hugh Hefner's home that—"
"Stop. Don't tell me. Just fix it, please."
"I'll do what I can."
Pepper pushes the chair away from the computer; she can't solve anything this way. She needs help. She needs a drink.
She's a woman, what she really needs is her purse.
"Tony?"
There's no sound, no yip, no scrabbling of nails on the hard flooring. Her Tony antennae stand on end.
"Tony?"
When she told him to go away, she didn't mean to go that far away. Typical man. Or dog. Whatever.
Her heels clatter up the stairs quickly, and when she stalks into the living room, she stops cold. Tony's squatting over her purse in a rather unmistakable way
"Tony Edward Stark, if you're doing what I think you're doing, I'm finding the nearest vet and having you neutered," she says sharply.
Tony whimpers and tucks his tail between his legs, scampering away when Pepper crosses the room to snatch up her Birkin bag.
"That's what I thought," she says, extracting her PDA from her handbag.
Pepper had to wait two whole months for this purse to be available in ostrich; if Tony had ruined it, she would've skinned him to make a new one.
The Stark bag: the only one of it's kind.
"Just remember who the dog is in this relationship," she warns, speed-dialing Happy.
Tony barks loudly, Pepper ignores him while waiting for the phone to be answered.
"Pepper?"
"Hi, Happy. I know today is your day off, but Tony's turned himself into a dog and Jarvis is trying to fix it. Would you come and take him for a walk before we have another accident and I drown him in the bathtub?"
There's not really much anyone can say to that.
"Um, sure?" Happy offers after a long pause.
"Good answer," Pepper says before hanging up. "And you," she says, pointing a finger at Tony, "you, stay."
Pepper's unwrapping a rather large raw steak when Happy comes back from taking Tony out for his walk.
"Who knew a puppy could produce so much waste?" Happy says, wrinkling his nose and waving several plastic bags in Pepper's direction.
Pepper laughs as Happy heads down to the garage to dispose of Tony's various gifts, and she pats Tony on the head when he trots over.
When he licks her fingers and paws at her, she rolls her eyes indulgently. "All right, Mr. Stark. Will it be the Kobe beef or the Kobe beef?"
Tony yips once and Pepper grins. "I thought so," she says, trying not to trip over him as he runs around the kitchen excitedly. She busies herself putting Tony's steak on a plate and looking for a bowl to act as a water dish.
"You got him steak?" Happy's back from disposing of the trash, and he washes his hands before invading the refrigerator.
"Is there a problem with that?" she says dryly, emptying out the fruit basket and filling it up with water. If Tony gets dehydrated, she'll never hear the end of it. She's not even contemplating that this might be permanent. Absolutely not. That's unacceptable. "I would've brought home the whole cow, but I had to draw a line somewhere."
"I'm not saying that you have to give him table scraps," Happy backtracks, emerging from the fridge with two beers in hand. "But, Pepper, seriously? How much did that cost?
"I put it on my business card; only the best when the boss is paying," she says with a grin, picking up the steak and stumbling over Tony.
"Tony, if I trip over you, hit my head on the counter and have to go to the hospital, you won't get fed. Remember that."
Tony yaps impatiently, and Pepper rolls her eyes. "Always demanding, aren't we?" she says, setting his dinner down on the floor and stepping back to get out of his way.
He may be a puppy, but apparently, Tony attacks everything with the same sort of zeal. He slops water all over the floor and tears into the steak as though it might get away; it's a good thing she bought more than one steak.
When she glances up, Happy's watching Tony with the same sort of horrified fascination.
"We couldn't give him dog food," she says in a mock scolding tone. "Do you know how many preservatives they put in that dry kibble? Didn't you hear about the recalls after all those pets died? Would you want to deal with that when he changes back?"
Happy considers this for a moment. "He'll say we were trying to kill him," he agrees, handing her her beer.
Pepper nods as they click their bottles together in solidarity. Anything to get through this in one piece.
"So," Happy begins, making the hairs on Pepper's forearms stand on end, "are you taking him home?
"Am I taking who –- Tony? In my house? Absolutely not."
"So you're staying here."
"Why would I -– oh, no. No."
"You can't leave him alone."
"What do you mean 'I' can't..." Pepper stops fighting, because Happy's right. There's nobody else but her.
They both look over at Tony, and for the first time all day, he's quiet. In fact, he's sitting on his haunches, looking at her balefully with water dripping from his muzzle, and she just knows that he understands everything they're saying.
Tony Stark, Dog Genius.
Pepper is a problem solver, first and foremost. It's what she gets paid for.
She doesn't get paid to deal with power surges that occur just as she's finally getting a chance to sit down in front of Tony's computer to watch the video feed from this morning.
Clearly this is some sort of terrorist plot created to, well, terrorize her. It won't work. Probably.
"Jarvis?" Pepper pokes at the hard drive several times when the computer screen goes black. Then the lights in the workshop turn some sort of bunker shelter red, and Tony yaps in irritation from where he's sniffing at her Louboutains.
"You are so not helping." Pepper glares down at Tony, but he's far too interested in licking her shoes to notice. "Jarvis, what's going on?"
"I'm afraid there's been a power surge, Miss Potts. All systems are off-line for the moment."
"Are you joking? Please tell me this is a joke. First Tony, and now you. Ha ha ha. Play the joke on Pepper. I get it. Not funny."
"I'm afraid this is not a joke; systems are off-line except for emergency back-up. However, I expect to be operational within the next six hours."
"Six hours?" Pepper is not great friends with incredulousness. She doesn't do impossible either. She's Pepper Potts, dammit.
She's not defeated; she just needs a drink.
Maybe two.
Pepper's decompressing in the living room with a triple vodka tonic and Sex and the City on a portable DVD player. Tony's nestled firmly against her side, and occasionally, when he nudges her in the ribs, she scratches behind his ears. Both the DVD player and Tony get knocked onto the floor when Rhodey flies through the door. He's not flying literally, but it's close. She probably shouldn't have left him all those messages saying it was a family emergency.
In fact, Rhodey's moving so fast that he's almost down the stairs into the workshop before he hears her calling his name. He only backtracks when he sees her standing in the middle of the living room. "Pepper, tell me he didn't blow up another weapons arsenal in – when'd you get a dog?"
Tony yaps excitedly as Rhodey comes closer, trotting over and demanding to be petted. Pepper shakes her head. "That's not my dog."
"Tony got a dog?" Rhodey asks, crouching down to pat Tony on the head. "Since when? Why'd you let him get a dog? You know he can't even take care of himself."
Pepper watches as Tony rolls over, presenting his tummy to be rubbed. He's completely without shame. "When has anybody ever been able to control Tony?"
Rhodey looks up. "He gave the dog an arc generator too, that's real special. I left in the middle of a debrief, so this better be good. Where's Tony at?"
Tony barks again and Pepper smirks beatifically.
Rhodey looks down at the puppy gnawing on his finger and then back at Pepper. "What?" Pepper gestures downwards and she can see Rhodey pondering what she's implying. "You're joking."
Pepper waves her hands dismissively.
"You're not joking," Rhodey says slowly.
Tony yips, gets to his feet and begins pawing at Rhodey.
"That means he wants you to pick him up," she explains. "Or possibly play catch. I don't have a whole lexicon just yet."
Tony yaps rapidly when Rhodey picks him up by the scruff of his neck. "Are you telling me that this is Tony?" he says, shaking Tony slightly.
"Yes."
"Tony Stark?"
"Is there another Tony we have in common?"
Tony's yapping becomes louder and louder, and Pepper steps in and takes him away from Rhodey. "Behave yourself," she says, stroking his coat and scolding him lightly.
"Oh, shit," Rhodey says quietly.
"Pretty much."
"I guess Iron Man's on vacation for the time being," he offers weakly.
Pepper hadn't contemplated that upside. "You could be Iron Man." The words tumble out before she realizes what she's saying, and Tony starts barking loudly in her arms. She can barely hold him with the wriggling and twisting. Finally, she drops him; he mostly lands on his feet.
Oops.
"You think he's trying to tell us something?" Rhodey asks as Tony runs in circles around his feet, barking like a guard dog on speed.
Pepper looks at Tony's tiny teeth trying to embed themselves in Rhodey's jean-clad calves and smiles broadly. "No, I don't think so," she says.
Maybe this is why Tony decides to relieve himself on Rhodey's shoes.
"Sleeping over" is not something that Pepper does. She has no doubt that Tony would build her a whole wing complete with a motorized wardrobe and separate entrance if she asked, but that's not what she wants. Working late is one thing, moving in is quite another.
Pepper may work 25 hours/8 days a week, but she likes the façade of having her own life. Which is probably why she's so disoriented when she wakes up in the middle of the night, pissed off that she was interrupted before she got to kiss Clive Owen.
In the darkness, it takes a while for the whimpering noises to register.
Pepper has to scoot over several feet to turn on the bedside light, and by the time she's on her feet the whimpering has become baying and scrabbling.
Who knew puppies could make so much noise?
When she opens her door, Tony streaks in. Pepper sighs loudly as he paws at the bed skirt and tries to climb up. "You know this is totally unacceptable behavior, right?" she asks, knowing full well he can't answer.
When he turns those huge brown eyes on her, he seems almost panicked.
"Fine," she concedes, shutting the door and crossing back towards the nightstand. Tony whacks her with his tail as Pepper lifts him onto the bed, and she pauses, watching Tony rolling around and chasing his tail.
She's such a sucker for animals in need -- two-legged and four-legged, apparently -- this is so sad.
"If you weren't tiny and furry, there's no way you would be in my bed," she warns. "Don’t forget that, Mr. Stark."
She's probably just imagining that look on Tony's face; she's sure puppies don't smirk.
Tony's not in the bed when Pepper wakes up, which suits her fine, because she woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was crushing her and it turned out Tony had fallen asleep on her chest.
He's not slick.
It's strange walking around Tony's house barefoot; Pepper's shoes are part of her armor and without them her toes are exposed to the marble, the shag rug and more marble.
Of course, Pepper just slept in one of Tony's tee shirts and a pair of his sweatpants, the propriety line was crossed a long time ago. This would probably make her feel uncomfortable if Tony hadn't turned into a dog.
At least without her shoes, she's less likely to sever Tony by stomping on his tail.
Tony's not in the living room or under the piano or whimpering at the door, waiting to go out for a walk. She doesn't know whether to be relieved or worried, but since this is Tony she'll go with the latter.
"Jarvis, where's Tony?" she asks, pausing in the kitchen to fill up the fruit bowl with water.
"He's in the workshop, Miss Potts."
"The workshop?! Has he changed back? Is he -–"
"No, he's still in canine form."
There's something else next to the bowl that looks suspiciously like dried dog food and Pepper closes her eyes. She told Happy to take Tony for walks, not kill him with this crap. Tony must've done something bad, like defecating in the car.
"Great, just fucking fabulous," Pepper sighs, turning on the coffee maker. Her boss is still a dog. It'll take at least three minutes for the coffee maker to generate the vat of coffee today is going to require, she might as well check on Tony in the meantime.
Sure enough, Tony's in the workshop, sprawled on his sofa with paws akimbo and Top Gear on the TV. The programming must be Happy's choice, the rest of it is all Tony.
Especially the totally inappropriate way he's playing with himself.
"I can't believe you're licking yourself in front of me," she says, covering her eyes.
Tony yips and Pepper turns away.
"Coffee," she says decisively. "I'm not dealing with you until I've had coffee and a shower. And maybe a Xanax."
There's something decidedly twisted about Pepper finding a collar and a leash in the depths of Tony's closet, but she wouldn’t have gone looking in there if she didn't know exactly what she would find. Pepper's under no illusions about the sexual exploits of her employer; she cleans up after them all the time.
There's actually more than one collar to choose from, but Pepper's not a heroin-addicted starlet downing shots at Les Deux, so she's not leaving the house with Tony wearing a studded collar that says 'My Bitch' in rhinestones.
Oh, who is she kidding?
She'll never get a chance like this one ever again.
There's plenty of women's clothing at Tony's house, but Pepper has entirely too much self-respect and hygiene awareness to consider putting on something that was once worn and flung into the rafters of Tony's bedroom by anyone who has graced the pages of Hustler, Playboy, Penthouse, Maxim, FHM, Loaded or any combination thereof.
Common sense would say that Pepper should just drive home and get a change of clothes, but there is no way she's letting Tony run amok in her house. Pepper can just imagine him bursting in while she's getting dressed and refusing to leave. Tony may be a dog, but Pepper is under no illusions about what's going in his head.
Of course, considering the way Tony's drooling out the passenger side window of her car, maybe she's overestimating his mental capabilities by a large amount.
Her Bluetooth beeps at her and Tony barks. "Pepper Potts," she answers crisply. She's cancelled all of Tony's meetings for the next 48 hours, but that doesn't mean she's not on the clock.
"Hey, Pepper, it's me." 'Me' being Rhodey.
"Hey, me," she says, hanging a right down Melrose.
"How are things today?"
"How do you think?" Pepper stops for a red light, and Tony goes haywire when a wafer-thin girl carries her cocker spaniel through the crosswalk.
"Tony's still a dog, huh?" Pepper can hear the amusement in Rhodey's voice.
"Both literally and figuratively."
"You got any plans on how to correct that?"
"Jarvis is still working on it," Pepper says, taking off when the light changes, "but I had to get out of the house before we both went crazy."
"Good plan, where are you?"
"I need some clothes, and then we're going to the dog park."
"You're taking Tony to a dog park?"
"Did you forget about the part where he's a dog?"
"Do you really think that's a good idea?"
"What's the worst that could -–"
"Fighting with bigger dogs, Tony knocking up every bitch he sees, dog-napping, the arc generator getting knocked out and you ending up with a dead Tony -– do you want me to go on?"
Pepper sighs as she pulls into the ivy-covered parking lot at Fred Segal. "Fine, I get the point. Would you like to baby-sit by any chance?"
"You know, I think we're having a crisis in Pakistan. I'll call you back."
"You are such a coward," Pepper retorts, parking the car and grabbing Tony by the collar to put his leash on. It's red patent leather.
"Hey, I know where my strengths lie," Rhodey says before hanging up.
Some day Pepper's going to find this hysterical; right now she's reminded of that line in Goonies about baby-sitting without getting paid. Tony just snorts as Pepper opens the door and leads him out of the car.
There are dogs scattered all over the outside brunch area, mostly little pampered poodles and fluffy dogs that make Pepper shake her head. Why you would torture your dog by putting it in a pink hoodie is beyond her. What did the animal ever do to you?
Tony is as social as ever, and Pepper's not even in the front door before she's dragging Tony away from some over-pampered bitch.
Once a dog, always a dog.
The owner of the Shin Tzu seems rather appalled that Tony would even dare to sniff around her dog, but Pepper just rolls her eyes and drags Tony along. That woman would wet herself if she knew that the Tony Stark was sniffing around her precious furball.
The store is filled with the de rigueur starlets, trust fund babies, A-listers and teenage girls having brunch or spending thousands of dollars on scraps of cotton. Pepper just wants a pair of jeans and a shirt or two. Maybe a jacket. Oh, and underwear. She's already had to hand wash this pair.
"I heard you've been letting the riff-raff in here again," Pepper says to a slim Latina woman flipping through racks of Catherine Malandrino dresses. "What happened to your standards?"
The woman whips around in a fraction of a second, her face flipping from annoyed to pleased to confused. "I beg your -- Pepper! Have you been reading -– what are you wearing?" Martha is the assistant manager at Fred Segal, she knows Pepper's name, address, and Black American Express card number by heart.
Pepper ignores the inquiry about her faded M.I.T. shirt and the oversized sweatpants; she knows they don't match her four-inch heels. "I hate to shop and run, but I need some stuff and I need it fast."
Tony yips for attention, his tail wagging back and forth like a windshield wiper, and Martha bends down with a smile. "And who's this?"
"This is trouble," Pepper says, pulling Tony's leash to keep him from climbing down the vee of Martha's wrap dress.
Martha pats Tony on the head dutifully. "Nice collar."
"I thought so," Pepper laughs. "Is there someone who can watch him for a second while I get the things I need?"
Martha beckons over one of her assistants. "This is Miss Potts. Give her anything she wants and watch her dog."
Pepper grins as she hands over Tony's leash. "Thanks, Martha, you're the best."
"Remember that when you're debating if you need to buy that extra pair of shoes," Martha says with a wink.
"You can never have too many shoes," Pepper agrees sagely before heading off to the jeans section.
She's in the dressing room when it all goes wrong. She's only left Tony alone for five minutes -- okay, more like fifteen -- but Pepper knows that bark when she hears it.
All that girl had to do was hold his leash.
When Pepper charges out of the changing area, arms full of shirts, jackets, jeans, her purse and other sundries – Tony owes her this – it's even worse than she thought.
There's Tony and a couple toy poodles, at least one Chihuahua and several fish stick thin girls who are tabloid fodder. One of who may or may not be Paris Hilton. And all Pepper can think is there's a reason people don’t let her buy animals anymore.
"What on earth are you doing to him?" Pepper demands, grabbing Tony's leash and yanking him away from the melee. There are entirely too many pointy heels near Tony's head, and if someone knocks out his arc generator, Pepper will choke that person with her bare hands.
"I'm sorry!" the shop assistant pleads. "I just turned away for a minute and then he was all over her dog—"
"STOP!" Pepper commands. "I don't even want to know," she says, dropping all the clothes in her arms and scooping up Tony instead. In true Tony Stark form, he seems completely oblivious to the chaos around him. In fact, he slobbers all over her hands as she checks him over for injuries and starlet cooties.
"If your mutt gave my baby fleas," one of the vapid size 2's trills. As though she could be so lucky.
"You insult him again," Pepper retorts, "and fleas will be the least of your worries."
The girl backs away under Pepper's withering glare, and Pepper turns back towards the shop assistant. "Here," she says, yanking the tags off the jeans and shirt she's wearing. "Tell Martha to charge my account. And tell her I'm not coming back."
Pepper's halfway out the door when she hears Martha calling her name, but she's had enough of this. She shoves Tony in the Audi and peels out of the parking lot, leaving the smell of burning rubber behind her.
She's in Century City before she realizes that she left her shoes in the dressing room, and when she glares at Tony in the seat beside her, he looks truly abashed. At least he is if his lack of tail-wagging is anything to go by.
"I can't take you anywhere, can I?" she sighs.
Tony thumps his tail weakly and Pepper has a thought.
Somewhere in the world, one day, there might be little Tony Stark bastard puppies; this fills her heart with untold glee.
She's a wicked, evil woman, but for that she can blame her boss.
Pepper's pulling into the driveway when her Bluetooth rings; it's Jarvis. "Miss Potts, I believe I've found the source of Mr. Stark's accident."
In her excitement, Pepper floors the gas instead of the brake and almost drives into the side of the house. Thankfully, things like that don't happen to her and she only crushes a few bushes. When Tony yaps irritably beside her, she ignores him.
"Jarvis, if you were corporeal, I would kiss you."
"Miss Potts, I'm touched. Really." Jarvis sounds somewhere between pleased and slightly arrogant, just like his boss.
"We'll be right there," she says, cutting the engine and grabbing Tony by the collar. "C'mon, Mr. Stark, it's time my baby-sitting gig came to an end."
Tony scrabbles in her grip, and she ends up tucking him under her arm like a football.
The front door is already unlocked, and Pepper marches directly down into the workshop. "Jarvis, talk to me," she demands, speaking a bit louder over Tony's whining. "What the hell is going on?"
"I've studied the video," Jarvis states, projecting footage on the wall, "and it appears that Mr. Stark was opening the mail when this accident happened."
Tony's whining gets louder and Pepper hushes him. "Jarvis, Tony doesn't get his mail delivered here. I don't even think he knows where the post office is."
"Yes, ma'am, but my records indicate that Mr. Stark received a parcel at approximately 10:38 Tuesday morning, which he signed for himself."
Pepper blinks bemusedly as Jarvis shows Tony signing for a package at the door and then heading back inside. Five minutes earlier there's video of the package delivery guy approaching the front door -- but further back there's no footage of a delivery truck.
"Jarvis, there's no truck for the delivery guy."
"Yes, according to the video I've collected, no vehicle of any sort arrived or departed the area before this delivery. Furthermore, no one arrived until two-hours and thirty-nine minutes after the delivery, when you arrived, Miss Potts."
This is so weird.
"This is so weird," she says aloud.
"There's more."
"Of course there's more," Pepper sighs, "Ow!"
"Yip!"
Pepper can't believe Tony bit her; serves him right that she dropped him on his head. "You better run," she snaps as he scampers off to hide.
"Tell me the rest," Pepper says, pointing and arching her toes. The concrete is entirely too cold for her to be standing on, so she grabs the closest chair and sits down.
She just knows she's not going to like this.
"It appears that Mr. Stark brought the package down here and then forgot about it for sometime," Jarvis says, fast forwarding through footage of Tony puttering around the workshop, Tony chasing the fire extinguisher dummy around the workshop, Tony with his hands down his –- okay.
Jarvis eventually slows down for real time. "If you'll look closely," he says, zeroing in on Tony at his computer, "you'll see Mr. Stark retrieving the package from somewhere near his feet..."
Pepper sighs again.
"…and then he removed the contents of the package…"
She already knows where this is going.
"…if you look there you can see a hand-written note and an item that appears to be a device of some sort… or possibly a remote control judging by the large button…"
"Jarvis," she interrupts," can you zoom in on the contents of the envelope?"
The penmanship of the note leaves a lot to be desired; Pepper can't make out much beyond, 'Captain America' and 'Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D' -- but the sinking feeling in her stomach speaks volumes.
She's told Tony about playing with the other superheroes; the very large 'PRESS HERE' post-it on the device says it all.
Of course Tony pressed the big red button. It's Tony. She supposes she should be happy the device didn't say 'EAT ME'.
If Tony is Alice in Wonderland, she hopes that doesn't make her the White Rabbit; she'd much rather be the Queen of Hearts, so she can chop off his head.
Tony's subsequent transformation into a puppy before her eyes doesn't even shock her that much, but it is rather amusing to look at. "Jarvis, can you save that tape for me? I may want it at a later date."
"Of course, Miss Potts," he replies dutifully, as she gets to her feet and paddles over to Tony's desk. Sure enough, buried underneath all the papers that Tony peed on, there's the post-it, and when Pepper crouches down to look under the desk there's the puppy-maker device and the envelope.
And Tony.
He growls low in this throat when she reaches in to grab the envelope; Pepper just rolls her eyes. She doesn't have time for this now. Maybe Tony would be menacing if he didn't have floppy ears and a tail, but he does.
She uses one of Tony's spare screwdrivers to push the device out from underneath the desk, making sure to keep all her limbs well clear. Sadly, her glaring is wasted on something that isn't sentient.
"Okay, I'm going to switch Mr. Stark back now, keep your fingers crossed," she announces, just in case it doesn't work and Rhodey has to figure out why there are now two puppies running around.
"I don’t have fingers, but I assure you my wires are all yours, Miss Potts."
"That's sweet, Jarvis, thanks. Also, if this doesn't work, call Colonel Rhodes immediately."
"Of course. Have you considered how you'll get Mr. Stark to press the button, though?" Jarvis queries. "It's not as though he has fingers in his current state, and the device hasn't been investigated, you have no idea what may happen if he comes in contact with—"
"Jarvis, if you can't be helpful, shut up," Pepper replies, reaching back under the desk and grabbing Tony by his collar. He seems just as shocked as she is by her decisiveness, and he barks wildly when Pepper plonks him down on top of the big, red, puppy-making button.
The flash wasn't nearly this bright on video.
When Pepper stops seeing spots she's blinded again by a naked Tony sitting at her feet still wearing a collar that says 'My Bitch.'
"Wow, Potts, this is kinky," Tony says, staring at her wryly for several seconds before getting to his feet.
She's never been so happy to see Tony Stark naked in her entire life.
"Just remember that you like licking my feet," she says pointedly.
"Is this the part where I say I don't remember anything about what just happened?" Tony seems completely unfazed about standing in front of her completely exposed.
Pepper rolls her eyes. "The next time you and your friends at S.H.I.E.L.D. want to act like Furries, get someone else to look after you.".
"Furries? Potts, even I have to draw the line somewhere."
"Are you sure about that, because I've been dragging you all over town wearing a collar that says 'My Bitch'."
Tony pats at his neck curiously and then smiles broadly. "Okay, yes, it’s true, I'm totally a bitch for you."
Pepper smirks as she turns on her heel. "I know. And as my bitch, you should know that I'm taking the rest of the day off, effective immediately."
"Right now?" Tony trails after her as she heads upstairs. "But who's going to feed me steak and let me drool on their chest?"
Pepper pauses on the stairs and Tony bumps into her. "You are never to mention that again," she says, turning around and narrowing her eyes.
Tony's pout worked better when he had four legs and a tail. "You mean we can't do it again tomorrow?"
Pepper grabs Tony by his collar and drags him so close she can count his eyelashes. "You remember what I said about having you neutered at the 24 hour vet?" Tony opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, and Pepper smiles toothily. "That's what I thought, Mr. Stark."
Tony wobbles precariously when she releases him suddenly, and he takes a step back. "You're the boss, Miss Potts," he says, nodding his head dutifully.
Pepper grins and taps his collar. "And don’t you forget it."
-end-
Happy Birthday
serialkarmaHuge thanks to
issaro and sparky77 for encouragement and laughing in all the right places when I was banging my head against the wall.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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