Colbert Report/Political RPS -- The Most Powerful Jew in the World (Stephen Colbert/Rahm Emanuel)

[hackthis_archive]

Happy Birthday thefourthvine!!

Some things just write themselves.


The Colbert Report/Political RPS
Stephen Colbert/Rahm Emanuel
Rated Episodic = PG-13

The Most Powerful Jew in the World




"Nation -- Nation, stop shouting, I'm right here. Oh, what's that. You're excited today? And why are you excited? What's that? No, we're not entering into a polygamous marriage so you can get 50% of everything I own, stop that right now.

"Oh, you're excited about my next guest. Why is that? You want to do what to him? I don't think I can repeat that on live TV. But that's okay, Nation, because after dodging all my morning after phone calls for the past four years and stealing the election for the Democrats, I finally got a call from The Most Powerful Jew in the world -- sorry, Jon. I'm guessing he wants the other half of his middle finger back. I'll only give it to him after he makes me the most powerful Catholic in the world – sorry, your Holiness.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the new Chief of Staff for President Hotass Himself, Rahm Emanuel!"

[crowd goes wild]

[Stephen runs around, giving hive-fives, hugs, handshakes and free puppies]

"Thank you! Thank you! Nation, you're too kind!"

[Stephen bows, and behind him, Rahm smirks]

[Stephen takes a seat]

"Rahm, thanks for coming today. I can call you 'Rahm' right? I mean you didn't object last week."

"I didn't object to a lot of things last week, Stephen."

[Various audience cat-calls]

"I was just checking to make sure you didn't get a title change recently. I mean besides Chief of Staff to the President-Elect."

"That's a pretty great title, isn't it?"

"No need to rub it in."

"Do you want me to kiss it and make it better, Stephen?"

"Uh, maybe after the cameras stop rolling."

"I might hold you to that."

[Stephen grins. Rahm continues to smirk.]

"So, Rahm, you know, four years is a long time for a morning after call."

"Well, you know, Stephen, the sex was so good, you left me incoherent. What can I say?"

"You could've just called. I totally would've been open to round two."

"Now you tell me. You know men aren't mind readers."

"Except for you, Rahm. I heard you sent a pollster a dead fish. I'm pretty sure you know what he was thinking when he opened that."

"Lunch?"

[Both Stephen and audience laugh]

"Okay, seriously, Rahm, I've heard that you can be considered a very intimidating man. How is that possible? You're, like, 5'5."

"Well, you know what they say about short men, Stephen."

"Yes, but I can't repeat it on television."

"But you agree that it's true."

"Um, can I plead the fifth?"

"What? You're not acknowledging your side ass? Stephen, that's wrong."

"My side -- side what? Can you say 'ass' on TV?"

"Side ass, Stephen. You and me. Side booty. You know, creeping."

[Audience collectively gasps]

"Nation, first of all, I -- Rahm, I --"

"Stephen."

"Okay! Okay, Nation, fine. I admit it, after making out with Rahm at the Spina Bifida roast, yes, we went and got busy in the coatroom, are you happy now? Honey, I'm sorry if there's something unidentifiable on your coat."

[Audience goes crazy]

[Rahm starts leading the audience in song]

"STEPHEN AND RAHM! SITTING IN A TREE- K-I-S-S-I-N-G! FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE, THEN COMES *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*"

[This content has been edited by the FCC for offensive and obscene language]

"Okay, okay, Nation, I see how it is. I see you've betrayed me, yet again, for some short, hot Jewish guy. I thought we were past this sort of infidelity. Why else did I spend twenty-five cents on that ring out of the gumball machine? I want my ring back!"

"Aw, Stephen, don't be upset. You know I'll still *BEEP* the *BEEP* out of you. All you have to do is ask."

[Audience goes crazy again]

[Stephen clears his throat]

"Rahm, you just outted me on National TV."

"I'll try to make up to you."

"Oh, you're damn right you're going to make it up to me. You told the entire freshman class they weren't allowed to come on my show. What's up with that?"

"You know I just wanted to keep you for myself. I get jealous that way."

"But you didn't come on my show! You were more than happy to play with Jon, but play with me? Oh, no."

"It's a Jewish thing, Stephen, you wouldn't understand."

"Okay, you're right, I probably wouldn't understand, but that's still no reason to player-hate!"

[laughter from the audience]

"Don't hate the player, Stephen, hate the game."

"Rahm, don't tease me, you know Jon won't like it."

"You know, I think I have a good idea of what Jon likes. When we were *BEEEEEEEEEP* he was very forth-coming about what he likes."

[Stephen blinks]

"That's a lot of detailed information that everybody else isn't going to hear, Rahm."

"I know. It's good to be the Most Powerful Jew in the World."

"Ah, yes, speaking of your new title. How does it feel to be The Most Powerful Jew in the World? Do you just wake up in the morning, eat your bagel and lox, drink some Manischewitz, put on your spandex uniform and then fly off to get rich?"

"I prefer the subway, actually."

"But you admit you do the rest of it? You admit you're Super Jew."

"Well, you know, everybody's got to be something."

"This is true and since I've sufficiently kissed your ass—"

"More sex talk?"

"When do I get to meet Barack? When are you going to set that up, because I really feel like he and I need to bond more. I have a signed copy of Amazing Spider-Man #573 just waiting on him."

"Well, you know, Barack is a very busy man, Stephen."

"Too busy for me?"

[Audience boos]

"Not too busy for you, just too busy trying to make the world a better place for the Colbert Nation.

[Audience cheers]

"Nation, stop being cheap sluts."

[Audience howls]

"Seriously, Stephen, you can think of me as Barack's ambassador."

"Okay, Ambassador, will you give me a cabinet post?"

"Maybe. What can you do for me?"

"Oh, I can do a whole lot for you."

"There's always room for another Monica Lewinsky in The West Wing, you know."

[Audience gasps and then laughs uproariously]

"I, uh, I was thinking more along the lines of Secretary of all things Comic Related. You know, I was elected President in Marvel-verse. Even though Barack won the electoral college."

"Yeah, that electoral college is a bitch, isn't it?"

"You're telling me."

"Actually, Stephen, I've been thinking -- you know what every powerful Jew needs?"

"A black president?"

"Besides that."

"To keep the Sabbath holy?"

"Close, but I was thinking of a Catholic boyfriend."

[Gasps from the audience]

[Rahm gets out of his seat and gets down on one knee.]

"So, Stephen Colbert, would you do me the honor of being my Catholic boyfriend, even though Jon Stewart wouldn't approve?""

"Jon, who? YES! YES! I will totally be your right-wing, conservative patsy defending boyfriend."

"Really?"

"Yes! Really!"

[Stephen jumps up, knocking over his chair]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back, and you can bear witness to the most blessed union ever! Except for the one I have with my wife. Nation, my once and future baby daddy, Rahm Emanuel!



-end-

This is dedicated to Rahm and Stephen. And This Week in Blackness 1.03, which is all about the side booty.

Comments

[serialkarma.livejournal.com]

Some things just write themselves.

you were left with no choice, really.

Also, "side booty" is the lj-cut text of the day, at least.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

When I heard the term 'side booty' I was literally like, "what? Is that like 'muffin top'?"

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

KEYBOARD RUINATION! BLAMED ON RAHM STEPHEN YOU!


I fully expect to see this on tv in February. Maybe March.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I sit here, anxiously awaiting the day that Stephen and Rahm are together in a room. Again. Did you see the whole roast? CLASSIC.

[teenygozer.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PERFECT!

And since I'm not sure you saw this, I post a link:

http://www.alternet.org/blogs/peek/107256/rahm_emanuel_roasts_stephen_colbert_for_charity/

It's 30 minutes of joy.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I believe the colloquial terminology is that "I was all over that shit like white on rice. Like a fly on shit. Like Bill Clinton..." you get the point.

[deepad]

Ahahahahahahahahaha. This works so well because its almost more realistic than fictional, if you know what I mean. I can totally see Rahm going on deciding to out-do Stephen, and Stephen left speechless the way he was when Jane Fonda snogged him.

Please, please give us a hint of Jon's reaction. Poor, poor, doomed to be the only rational non-grandstanding adult Jon. Perhaps he could have a conversation with Cooper about kids these days?

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahahahaha. This works so well because its almost more realistic than fictional, if you know what I mean. I can totally see Rahm going on deciding to out-do Stephen, and Stephen left speechless the way he was when Jane Fonda snogged him.

I long for this day. I yearn for this day.

Rahm Emanuel and Stephen Colbert Have Sex on Live TV! FCC now owns Comedy Central! Details at 11!

[sparky77.livejournal.com]

You are brilliant and hilarious and I love you. Ha!

Also, poor Jon! I hope Stephen makes it up to him later!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Jon knows Stephen loves him best. Even when Stephen forgets it.

"You threw me over for Rahm Emanuel."

"I didn't throw you over. You weren't there! I can't throw you when you're not around!"

"You proverbially threw me over for Rahm Emanuel"

"It was the power! I blame the power! You know powerful men make me hot."

"I feel disturbed on so many levels."

"You know I love you best."

"Oh, really? I don't hear you saying that on your show?"

"Is that what you want? You want me to publically declare my eternal love and devotion for you on national TV?"

"Would it help if I said no?"

"Too late. I can see it on your eyes."

"Did I mention the disturbing part, Stephen?"

"Oh, just you wait, Stewart, you haven't even begun to be disturbed."

"Why me?"

"I know, I ask myself that every day, and the Lord answers, "BECAUSE THOU ART AWESOME, STEPHEN!"

[At the afternoon's toss]

"And now we're checking in with our good friend Stephen -- Stephen what are you wearing?"

"Do you like it Jon?"

"What -- what is that on your forehead?"

"Is it not big enough? I told them to make the tattoo big, it says, Property of Jon Stewart, the Most Awesome Jewish Boyfriend Ever!"

"Stephen, you, you got a tattoo on your forehead?"

"Of course! It matches the one on my chest!"

"Oh. My. God. Stephen. Please tell me that's fake!"

"No, Jon, it's as real as my undying, burning love for you. That whole thing with Rahm was just a phase, a night full of lust and hot, dirty sex, but you, Jon, you're the real thing."

[Audience sighs]

"That's -- that's sweet, Stephen. A little disturbing, but sweet. And now--"

"Wait! Jon, you didn't tell me you love me!"

"Stephen, we're on TV!"

"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, OR I'M CALLING YOUR WIFE!"

"I love you. Happy now?"

"Deliriously."

"Fine, that's it for our show--"

"JON!"

"No, Stephen."

"Say it again."

"Don't push your luck."

[bessemerprocess.livejournal.com]

I HAVE NOTHING BUT SQUEE! argh, rahmbamarama, has turned all my Rahm related typing into all caps. Never the less, this is excellent and spot on and I have much love for it.

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

OBJECTION, rahmbamarama merely took all the all-capping you were unfairly suppressing and BROUGHT IT MANFULLY UP TO THE SURFACE. SQUEE EMPOWERMENT FOR ALL.

also i love your icon to death and i want to marry it almost as much as i want them to marry each other. and rahm. and barack and michelle. FIVEWAY MARRIAGE EQUALITY <3333333333

[antheia.livejournal.com]

You know how I feel about you and this, I assume.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

You know what they say about assuming, that it's BAD!

[scifigirl.livejournal.com]

I FUCKING LOVE YOU! PLS WRITE MORE.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

http://hackthis.livejournal.com/509450.html?thread=14061834#t14061834

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I am so very glad that this made your day better!

[lembeau.livejournal.com]

*standing O*

Oh, wait, that's what they did to each other in the coatroom, right? :OD

So Stephen's got a short Jewish thing, eh?

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

It's shocking, I know ;)

[ladyvyola.livejournal.com]

Well, damnit!

The episode hasn't even aired yet and here you are posting a spoiler transcription! I hate being spoiled!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

My bad! You know, I was just *so* excited I couldn't help myself.

[cat-eyed-fox.livejournal.com]

Should I admit that for like half a second my brain was like "somewhere in the Multiverse this is happening right now!"?

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I wish I was there, I have to say.

[loony-moony.livejournal.com]

salkfdjasfjafjaljflafa;fja;jfa;fja;jfaf;j

ALSFJASJFASLFJALSF!!!

DLADJSADJALJAADALFLAJFALJFALFALF!

<33333333333

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Your icon continues to crack me up :)

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

*hands you the good cookies* FOR YOU HAVE EARNED THEM, YO.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

NOM! NOM!

[elbiesee.livejournal.com]

I can totally get behind this pairing. (Damn, pardon the pun.)

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA!

[aurora]

Honey, I'm sorry if there's something unidentifiable on your coat."
*chokes*

This entire thing was one big bundle of joy, love and CAPS LOCKED SQUEEAGE OMG!!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I am so very glad you think so :)

[elbomac.livejournal.com]

Whoo-hoo! This is awesome!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[green-grrl.livejournal.com]

HEE!!!!!!!!!!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

:)

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

omg i thought the Ari/Rahm thing was this GIANT FLUKE. ARE YOU IN RAHM FANDOM NOW, ZAHRA, BECAUSE I COULD CRY OF JOY, I AM JUST SAYING.

reaction number two: i've only read the first two lines of this fic but OH HOLY GOD HOW I WANT THESE FIRST TWO LINES TO BE REALITY ♥

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

*reading the rest*

"Okay! Okay, Nation, fine. I admit it, after making out with Rahm at the Spina Bifida roast, yes, we went and got busy in the coatroom, are you happy now? Honey, I'm sorry if there's something unidentifiable on your coat."

OH MY GOD MY LOVE FOR YOU, STRONG AND LATENT ALL THESE YEARS WHEN WE WERE NOT IN THE SAME FANDOMS, BUT NEVER UNWAVERING, HAS JUST BURST FORTH INTO THE OPEN AND YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO COPE WITH THE RESULTING HIDEOUS ALL-CAPPING FLAIL

Okay, okay, Nation, I see how it is. I see you've betrayed me, yet again, for some short, hot Jewish guy.

:D :D :D :D :D

[Stephen blinks]

"That's a lot of detailed information that everybody else isn't going to hear, Rahm."

"I know. It's good to be the Most Powerful Jew in the World."

it is a seriously good thing that it is like NAP TIME here at work so that no one is around to hear me sniggering ridiculously at my desk.

"So, Stephen Colbert, would you do me the honor of being my Catholic boyfriend, even though Jon Stewart wouldn't approve?""

"Jon, who? YES! YES! I will totally be your right-wing, conservative patsy defending boyfriend."


[AUDIENCE FANGIRLS WILDLY]

APART FROM DEMANDING THE NECESSARY SEQUEL WHERE JON AND BARACK CONSPIRE TO TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY EACH THEIRS, I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO DO BUT TO ASSURE YOU IN ANIMATED LANGUAGE OF HOW BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP HAPPY THIS HAS MADE ME. SDJFKLSJKL;BLEEP

[everysecondtues.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha, this was brilliant. Have you considered posting a link to it from rahmbamarama? I think a lot of people would be made exceedingly happy just to know this exists.

I'm trying to pick lines I loved to quote back at you, but there are just too many things to choose! The whole thing is witty and made me laugh and grin and go ♥

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

I'M LATE TO THE PARTY BUT IDGAS THIS IS FABULOUS