Olympics r srs bzness.

[hackthis_archive]

It's not really possible to explain exactly how whipped I have been by the Olympics, but I will try:

a) Yesterday, I wrote French swimmer slash, because well, hotass.

b) While discussing said hotass, oconel produced this picture of Amaury Leveaux to which my entire thought was Wow. The French are more than welcome to talk smack when they look like this. And also? Someone needs to lick his back during sex. And if it can't be me, then he needs a man so I can write about this. Find him a man and I will write this story. Alain Bernard is 6'5. Just a thought.

c) NBC is playing along. Identify the male swimmer by his stomach. I shit you not.

c) In the morning I watch Jon and Stephen, it has pretty much always been this way. This week I have been channel surfing away from Jon and Stephen with alarming regularity because OMG! What if I miss swimming hotass? This aberration cannot be understated.

d) Last night, during the men's heats, the NBC commentators said, "[Their] coaches say that Ryan Lochte is the best thing to ever happen to Michael Phelps." And then they went on to talk about how Ryan helps Michael be more relaxed and I was like yeah, that's a sex shoutie right there.

In fact, this made my gaydar ping so hard I was momentarily deaf, but I said, No! I have written my Olympics slash. And then sparky77 sent me The World According to Lochte which has bling grills! Skateboarding! Drawing rain falling upwards! Dressing like John Travolta! and I realized I can not fight this.

Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte are totally having sex. And getting stoned. Probably in that order too.

ETA: And because nobody is more awesome than rowers: let's spread the homoeroticism around, hey?

ETA #2: I think Keith Olbermann said it best, "There are only two times of day: when Michael Phelps is preparing to race, and when Michael Phelps is racing."

Comments

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I truly could not have said it better myself. I keep making joking about Michael's dick chafing from the way the commentators are riding it all the time. And even when he's not in the pool everyone else who's swimming is being compared to him. Even if he doesn't swim the damn event! We were talking about 'the humanization of Michael Phelps (http://hackthis.livejournal.com/495751.html?thread=13512327#t13512327)' a few comments up where I chalked up the entire thing to the mass marketing that will be occuring directly after the Olympics are over. People want something to believe in at the moment, and the American machine wants to give it to them. During the depression there was Seabiscut and during WWII there was Superman, later on there was Muhammed Ali and it just goes on and on. Who doesn't love the hero from afar? Nobody wants to be the one cooking those 12,000 calories meals for his ass though. We don't even want him to be real. That's the point of heroes, they're not real, they don't suffer the same pains or go through the same hard times, they are above all.

I hope he doesn't end up washed out.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I read those comments upthread and basically nodded along.

There's also something psychologically perverse about it. We're not so self-hating that we want to raise people up just to lop their heads off for being above the rest (though some are, I wouldn't say it's a general mentality). And yet, we demand perfection. It's like, when everyone else fails, when the world is full of people who let us down, when even our bright, shiny hopes like John Edwards turn out Not Perfect, fuck it, the sports guy's gonna save us all. Here is our new model of perfection: the champion athlete, squeaky clean, and even his rivals want to bow down and kiss the floor upon which he walks.

I honestly think it's more about the advertising dollars from NBC's POV - they could use all the ratings points they can cobble together. But from a viewer's POV - viewers who are lapping it up, apparently - we have no heroes any longer. Soldiers are anonymous, politicians might as well be guilty until proven innocent, stars behaving badly grace every grocery checkout stand, businessmen aren't even considered...and here stand our athletes, the last bastion of The Heroic Ideal. We can love them because they achieve amazing feats, but we still demand perfection.

I would not want to be Phelps, quite frankly.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I was never an Edwards believer, so when he proved to be, well, a politician, all I could think was, "TACKY!" I think America has always had a soft spot for the champion athlete, because people think that, well, that could've been me if I'd done this, or that could be me, or that's going to be me. It gives them someone to look up to, something greater than themselves, which is also why people get so crazy when they turn out to just be human (hello, baseball steroids scandal).

Oh, I wouldn't want to be Michael Phelps either, the stress would be unbearable and yet here he is trying to keep it together, trying not to let it get to him, trying to be like the guys, when he's just not. People don't treat him as such, which makes him feel sort of awkward, which makes people treat him awkwardly, oh, it's very oroboursean that way. This does not mean however that I would kick him out of bed for eating cookies.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

which makes him feel sort of awkward, which makes people treat him awkwardly, oh, it's very oroboursean that way.

LOVE that description! And you follow it up with:

This does not mean however that I would kick him out of bed for eating cookies.

HA! Brilliance. And fuck, yeah. Gotta keep the eyes trained on what's important in life.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

which makes him feel sort of awkward, which makes people treat him awkwardly, oh, it's very oroboursean that way.

LOVE that description! And you follow it up with:

Oh, I can't even image the hell when he tries to date

Him: [She probably only likes me b/c I'm an Olympic swimmer]
Her: [He thinks I probably only like him b/c he's famous. Not true! I like him for his body]
Him: [awkward and standoffish]
Her: [He's totally an asshole wow]
Him: This isn't working
Her: Uh, you think?

::cue sadness::

Also, what's important in life? Awesome sex with swimmers.
Him: [all alone]

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

::cue sadness::

::cue for Ryan to come in and comfort him with blowjobs and bitch about what shallow girls are swimmer groupies...and how head makes everything better::

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

::cue for Ryan to come in and comfort him with blowjobs and bitch about what shallow girls are swimmer groupies...and how head makes everything better::

Okay, that's just totally made of awesome.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Have you seen this photo (http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2008/Aug/13/phelpsspeedo.wow)? It, uh, it's not exactly flattering, although it is enlightening. Also, this is just more proof that they don't want to wear suits they just want to be naked (http://jezebel.com/5036456/golden-boys-ricky-berens-ryan-lochte-michael-phelps).

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Jesus, that first one is...::shakes head:: There are aspects to being a professional swimmer/gymnast/any-sport-involving-spandex that just doesn't appeal to me. Most of all that you have your assets wavin' in the breeze for all the world to see. All. The. Time.

Though, I guess that gives your teammates some confidence, ya know, 'yeah, I could totally swallow that.'

As for the second, I kept seeing those photos and asking myself, 'why did they drape flag-emblazoned loincloths over their suits??' Then I figured out that they actually pulled down the top half (most likely 'cause it was cutting off blood supply to important parts of their bodies) and I'm just a freakin' moron.

Note that stripping out of the top half also conveniently covers their dicks and provides some shielding when you get hard at your teammates' half-naked, slick body right there. Also, way easier access for post-race bjs.

...really, I'm a horrible person.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Though, I guess that gives your teammates some confidence, ya know, 'yeah, I could totally swallow that.'

a) I laughed so hard I got the hiccups.

b) I have addressed this phenomena with the french swimmer slash. It's clear, if you look at the photos, that the LZR pretty much cuts off your blood circulation, so any excuse to remove as much as possible is more than welcome. Plus, it helps that the Olympics makes sure to have condoms at everyone's disposal. Apparently at the last Olympics, they ordered 70,000 condoms, ran out, and had to order another 20,000. There are only 10,000 athletes, I don't know how anybody had the energy to compete.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Apparently at the last Olympics, they ordered 70,000 condoms, ran out, and had to order another 20,000. There are only 10,000 athletes, I don't know how anybody had the energy to compete.

AHAHAHA! I knew they ordered a shitload but didn't know the numbers OR that they ran out. THAT is awesome.

Um, but obviously blowjobs take the strain off the condom distributors. I'm just sayin'...

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I always try to mix the facts in with the fiction to keep people on their toes.

As the officials said, Some will fall in love "or other things" (http://blogs.usatoday.com/gameon/2008/08/citius-altius-f.html). I love how they're like, yeah, we know y'all are having teh intercourse in dark corners or throwing orgies, but we won't put that out there. Just be safe about it.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

'Some will fall in love; others will fall into Olympic-pool-swimteam-orgies.' I love it; it reminds me of the classic Sorkin line, re: accidentally sleeping with a hooker: "What, did you trip over something?"

100,000 condoms this year, jesus. What do you wanna bet people are keeping them as collectibles, though? Especially if they're amusing patterns like that article noted. Not to mention status symbols: 'Look, you're fucking an Olympian. How hot does that make you?' ::rolls eyes::

I hope they have condoms adorned with the Olympic rings.

...dude, they should make Olympic Cock Rings! And distribute them to all the men's swim teams...and possibly all the German men's sports teams, regardless.

Okay, I'm stopping.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Olympic Cock Rings, but that's five rings, that's going to be kind of hard to manuveur. Just saying. Okay, seriously though, I know you want to see this.

//According to the Daily News, he has size 14 feet and a longer torso than most humans, resulting in an arm span (six foot seven) that is longer than his height (six foot four). It's like Zeus had sex with a dolphin, who gave birth to Michael Phelps.// (http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/08/michael_phelps.html#hp)

I decided during the 200IM that before the Olympics, Michael said that Ryan had to give him a blow job for every gold medal he brought home to which Ryan exhaled his hit from his bong (de rigeur) and was all, "My gold is going to be worth more than yours."

Michael: You think you're getting a gold?
Ryan: I know I am. More than one.
Michael: You bring home more golds than me and I'll let you fuck me
Ryan: I'm going to fuck you anyway. In the pool. You are going down, Phelps.
Michael: You wish.
Ryan: That is true too.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Maybe they're like those sets of detachable rings that you have to figure out how to pull apart (in this case to use). And, like, color-coordinated to your grade of horny.

I CAN MAKE THIS WORK!

Ahem. That link is both frightening and oddly appealing (much like Phelps himself). I liked this:

But he emphasizes his best assets by wearing his swim trunks extremely low and waxing — or perhaps lasering? — his body hair. I'd still do him.

All that hairless real estate? Yes, please.

I decided during the 200IM that before the Olympics, Michael said that Ryan had to give him a blow job for every gold medal he brought home

...I almost died. No WONDER he really, really wants to win all 8 golds (and fuck that record-breaking Spitz whatever thing, anyway. we're talking something important here). Talk about motivation, man. The USOC couldn't have done better.

The USOC might wanna consider giving Ryan a medal for, uhh, services rendered.

Ryan: I'm going to fuck you anyway. In the pool. You are going down, Phelps.

::wants:: ...just, guh.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

But he emphasizes his best assets by wearing his swim trunks extremely low and waxing — or perhaps lasering? — his body hair. I'd still do him.

All that hairless real estate? Yes, please.

I've known a few swimmers in my time, do you know what tapering is? It's when you shave in preparation for a race. There are parties for this. People do it together. Although Michael is so hairless (having actually seen a picture of him with a very light dusting of hair) that I announced last week that he was obviously dipped in a vax of wax up to his neck and stripped accordingly.

I have no doubt that there have been some after hours sex shenanigans going down back at their home pools. I think that's like required to call yourself a swimmer.


I decided during the 200IM that before the Olympics, Michael said that Ryan had to give him a blow job for every gold medal he brought home

...I almost died. No WONDER he really, really wants to win all 8 golds (and fuck that record-breaking Spitz whatever thing, anyway. we're talking something important here). Talk about motivation, man. The USOC couldn't have done better.

This is why, every time they're in a race together, Michael doesn't even look over at him, he's just chalking up his tally.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

There are parties for this. People do it together.

Oh, yes, well do I know. That must be, ahem, productive.

he was obviously dipped in a vax of wax up to his neck and stripped accordingly.

Okay, I laughed, but OW.

every time they're in a race together, Michael doesn't even look over at him, he's just chalking up his tally.

And once again the skintight, nothing-you-can-hide race suits become DEEPLY unfortunate.

...oh, god, I'm posting porn and going to bed. And to think I was once perturbed by the special hell.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Did I send you the Ryan & Michael pictures and article that someone very helpfully put in my LJ for research purposes?

http://thorne-scratch.livejournal.com/182452.html

http://www.mensjournal.com/point-two-seven-seconds.html

I guess I'm obligated to write it now.

Also, I think maybe Ian and Michael had a bad break up and now the press is on the side of Michael's new man, who shall lead them all to VICTORY! Dude, stranger shit has motivated the media.

The problem is that people keep giving my research and the story keeps getting long and longer in my head. I'm going to have to give you lot the abbreviated love saga.

I am now going to read your porn and then watch some GK before I go for my run.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

...well, my brain exploded. Jeebus. I'd seen the first two, but not the others and they really ARE staring at each other meaningfully! DAILY text messages and phone calls? For realz?

I guess I'm obligated to write it now.

Think of the fun! The pretty! The non-stop porn!

I think maybe Ian and Michael had a bad break up and now the press is on the side of Michael's new man, who shall lead them all to VICTORY! Dude, stranger shit has motivated the media.

::snickers:: So the media all know that they're all madly gay for each other? But they're covering it up so they don't offend our poor puritanical sensibilities? Or to spare Michael's mother?

people keep giving my research

We're horrible. We feel badly. I wouldn't lie.

And enjoy!