Olympics r srs bzness.

[hackthis_archive]

It's not really possible to explain exactly how whipped I have been by the Olympics, but I will try:

a) Yesterday, I wrote French swimmer slash, because well, hotass.

b) While discussing said hotass, oconel produced this picture of Amaury Leveaux to which my entire thought was Wow. The French are more than welcome to talk smack when they look like this. And also? Someone needs to lick his back during sex. And if it can't be me, then he needs a man so I can write about this. Find him a man and I will write this story. Alain Bernard is 6'5. Just a thought.

c) NBC is playing along. Identify the male swimmer by his stomach. I shit you not.

c) In the morning I watch Jon and Stephen, it has pretty much always been this way. This week I have been channel surfing away from Jon and Stephen with alarming regularity because OMG! What if I miss swimming hotass? This aberration cannot be understated.

d) Last night, during the men's heats, the NBC commentators said, "[Their] coaches say that Ryan Lochte is the best thing to ever happen to Michael Phelps." And then they went on to talk about how Ryan helps Michael be more relaxed and I was like yeah, that's a sex shoutie right there.

In fact, this made my gaydar ping so hard I was momentarily deaf, but I said, No! I have written my Olympics slash. And then sparky77 sent me The World According to Lochte which has bling grills! Skateboarding! Drawing rain falling upwards! Dressing like John Travolta! and I realized I can not fight this.

Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte are totally having sex. And getting stoned. Probably in that order too.

ETA: And because nobody is more awesome than rowers: let's spread the homoeroticism around, hey?

ETA #2: I think Keith Olbermann said it best, "There are only two times of day: when Michael Phelps is preparing to race, and when Michael Phelps is racing."

Comments

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Pretty has been known to cover a lot of shortcomings. Then again that scrawny kid in grade school with ADHD, too long arms and big ears, yeah, well now he's Michael Phelps. Just goes to show that you never really know.

As for recreation drug use, that's totally medical marijuana. His doctor'll swear to it.

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

that's totally medical marijuana. His doctor'll swear to it.

::snickers madly:: Well, it certainly fits nicely with his 12,000-calorie-a-day diet.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

He swims five miles a day, I think he's entitled. Although he eats more in one meal than I may eat in two days. I just don't see how one human can consume all of this and not have a damn ounce of fat on his body. It's just... I need to be able to do a personal investigation into this. I think a physical check-up would be just fine.

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm not being critical; I'm BOGGLING at the fact that the human stomach can even hold that much food at once.

Obviously the USOC should totally support you on this. It's for the good of humanity and really, isn't that what the Olympics is all about?

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm not being critical; I'm BOGGLING at the fact that the human stomach can even hold that much food at once.

Oh, I'm sure they left out a step or two regarding evacuation of said 12,000 calories. In fact, when I typed 12,000 my brain was like, wait, too many zeroes. Except no. Also, dear Alex, take up swimming. Really. Oh, and from your keyboard to the USOC's ears. *waits patiently for decree*

Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

What's interesting to me is the way the press keeps insisting that the other swimmers really like him and really respect him, as though they know that either a) it's not the truth and they want to pretend otherwise, or b) they are 'encouraged' to say otherwise because of past rumors. I was just reading an article in Newsweek (http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/beijingolympics/archive/2008/08/14/confucius-says-phelps-is-golden.aspx), which was naturally about the god-like qualities of Michael, and curse his other teammates who have kept him from strings of gold medals at other competitions.

Seriously, folks?

No wonder his teammates might have some hostility towards him! The media sees them as nothing but outlets (or foils) for Michael's greatness. That would make anybody drink the bitter juice.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

::nods:: The coverage is rather nauseating to me and I'm not even paying attention. Imagine that being all you hear. I feel bad for his teammates. Imagine breaking the world record and it still not being enough. Jesus. The reason Michael and Ryan are probably such good friends (besides mutual blowjobs and a kickass stash) is that Ryan seems to be an 'it's all good' kinda guy. When you've got world-class athletes, they're all gonna be ambitious as fuck, they're ALL gonna have that drive to win. And Michael keeps beating them.

No, I'd bet there's some real resentment from his teammates. Ryan seems to be the one who's able to be all, 'eh. bygones.' Or he could just be stoned all the time.

So yes, the press is definitely covering it this way to humanize Michael or because of some nationalistic US-unity type of agenda.

And by the way, notice how the constant repetitions of 'no, everyone LOVES him!' spurs one to look into if that is, indeed, the case. If I thought the press were smart I'd give them credit for manipulating everyone into thinking one thing by asserting its opposite.

ETA: By which I meant...the coverage gets us to focus on the drama of his interpersonal relationships whether or not there is actually any drama. Now, I'd wager there IS, but regardless the coverage of it CREATES a conflict for the news guys to talk about. Michael Phelps, golden boy, candidate for sainthood...that's all lovely, but it doesn't sell soap. But Michael Phelps, golden boy, HE GETS ALONG WITH HIS TEAM WE SWEAR, that's a bit more interesting and possibly "newsworthy."

The press is good at creating stuff to cover. They've had long practice.

And at a very base level, well, NBC is touting the great ratings this time around as due to Michael. We Americans want a champion, want to be personally-invested (from afar, despite that it has zero impact on our lives), and above all we want that champion to fucking kick everyone's ass, including his friends'.

But everyone still loves him, of course.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I truly could not have said it better myself. I keep making joking about Michael's dick chafing from the way the commentators are riding it all the time. And even when he's not in the pool everyone else who's swimming is being compared to him. Even if he doesn't swim the damn event! We were talking about 'the humanization of Michael Phelps (http://hackthis.livejournal.com/495751.html?thread=13512327#t13512327)' a few comments up where I chalked up the entire thing to the mass marketing that will be occuring directly after the Olympics are over. People want something to believe in at the moment, and the American machine wants to give it to them. During the depression there was Seabiscut and during WWII there was Superman, later on there was Muhammed Ali and it just goes on and on. Who doesn't love the hero from afar? Nobody wants to be the one cooking those 12,000 calories meals for his ass though. We don't even want him to be real. That's the point of heroes, they're not real, they don't suffer the same pains or go through the same hard times, they are above all.

I hope he doesn't end up washed out.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I read those comments upthread and basically nodded along.

There's also something psychologically perverse about it. We're not so self-hating that we want to raise people up just to lop their heads off for being above the rest (though some are, I wouldn't say it's a general mentality). And yet, we demand perfection. It's like, when everyone else fails, when the world is full of people who let us down, when even our bright, shiny hopes like John Edwards turn out Not Perfect, fuck it, the sports guy's gonna save us all. Here is our new model of perfection: the champion athlete, squeaky clean, and even his rivals want to bow down and kiss the floor upon which he walks.

I honestly think it's more about the advertising dollars from NBC's POV - they could use all the ratings points they can cobble together. But from a viewer's POV - viewers who are lapping it up, apparently - we have no heroes any longer. Soldiers are anonymous, politicians might as well be guilty until proven innocent, stars behaving badly grace every grocery checkout stand, businessmen aren't even considered...and here stand our athletes, the last bastion of The Heroic Ideal. We can love them because they achieve amazing feats, but we still demand perfection.

I would not want to be Phelps, quite frankly.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I was never an Edwards believer, so when he proved to be, well, a politician, all I could think was, "TACKY!" I think America has always had a soft spot for the champion athlete, because people think that, well, that could've been me if I'd done this, or that could be me, or that's going to be me. It gives them someone to look up to, something greater than themselves, which is also why people get so crazy when they turn out to just be human (hello, baseball steroids scandal).

Oh, I wouldn't want to be Michael Phelps either, the stress would be unbearable and yet here he is trying to keep it together, trying not to let it get to him, trying to be like the guys, when he's just not. People don't treat him as such, which makes him feel sort of awkward, which makes people treat him awkwardly, oh, it's very oroboursean that way. This does not mean however that I would kick him out of bed for eating cookies.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

which makes him feel sort of awkward, which makes people treat him awkwardly, oh, it's very oroboursean that way.

LOVE that description! And you follow it up with:

This does not mean however that I would kick him out of bed for eating cookies.

HA! Brilliance. And fuck, yeah. Gotta keep the eyes trained on what's important in life.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

which makes him feel sort of awkward, which makes people treat him awkwardly, oh, it's very oroboursean that way.

LOVE that description! And you follow it up with:

Oh, I can't even image the hell when he tries to date

Him: [She probably only likes me b/c I'm an Olympic swimmer]
Her: [He thinks I probably only like him b/c he's famous. Not true! I like him for his body]
Him: [awkward and standoffish]
Her: [He's totally an asshole wow]
Him: This isn't working
Her: Uh, you think?

::cue sadness::

Also, what's important in life? Awesome sex with swimmers.
Him: [all alone]

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

::cue sadness::

::cue for Ryan to come in and comfort him with blowjobs and bitch about what shallow girls are swimmer groupies...and how head makes everything better::

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

::cue for Ryan to come in and comfort him with blowjobs and bitch about what shallow girls are swimmer groupies...and how head makes everything better::

Okay, that's just totally made of awesome.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Have you seen this photo (http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2008/Aug/13/phelpsspeedo.wow)? It, uh, it's not exactly flattering, although it is enlightening. Also, this is just more proof that they don't want to wear suits they just want to be naked (http://jezebel.com/5036456/golden-boys-ricky-berens-ryan-lochte-michael-phelps).

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Jesus, that first one is...::shakes head:: There are aspects to being a professional swimmer/gymnast/any-sport-involving-spandex that just doesn't appeal to me. Most of all that you have your assets wavin' in the breeze for all the world to see. All. The. Time.

Though, I guess that gives your teammates some confidence, ya know, 'yeah, I could totally swallow that.'

As for the second, I kept seeing those photos and asking myself, 'why did they drape flag-emblazoned loincloths over their suits??' Then I figured out that they actually pulled down the top half (most likely 'cause it was cutting off blood supply to important parts of their bodies) and I'm just a freakin' moron.

Note that stripping out of the top half also conveniently covers their dicks and provides some shielding when you get hard at your teammates' half-naked, slick body right there. Also, way easier access for post-race bjs.

...really, I'm a horrible person.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Though, I guess that gives your teammates some confidence, ya know, 'yeah, I could totally swallow that.'

a) I laughed so hard I got the hiccups.

b) I have addressed this phenomena with the french swimmer slash. It's clear, if you look at the photos, that the LZR pretty much cuts off your blood circulation, so any excuse to remove as much as possible is more than welcome. Plus, it helps that the Olympics makes sure to have condoms at everyone's disposal. Apparently at the last Olympics, they ordered 70,000 condoms, ran out, and had to order another 20,000. There are only 10,000 athletes, I don't know how anybody had the energy to compete.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Apparently at the last Olympics, they ordered 70,000 condoms, ran out, and had to order another 20,000. There are only 10,000 athletes, I don't know how anybody had the energy to compete.

AHAHAHA! I knew they ordered a shitload but didn't know the numbers OR that they ran out. THAT is awesome.

Um, but obviously blowjobs take the strain off the condom distributors. I'm just sayin'...

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I always try to mix the facts in with the fiction to keep people on their toes.

As the officials said, Some will fall in love "or other things" (http://blogs.usatoday.com/gameon/2008/08/citius-altius-f.html). I love how they're like, yeah, we know y'all are having teh intercourse in dark corners or throwing orgies, but we won't put that out there. Just be safe about it.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

'Some will fall in love; others will fall into Olympic-pool-swimteam-orgies.' I love it; it reminds me of the classic Sorkin line, re: accidentally sleeping with a hooker: "What, did you trip over something?"

100,000 condoms this year, jesus. What do you wanna bet people are keeping them as collectibles, though? Especially if they're amusing patterns like that article noted. Not to mention status symbols: 'Look, you're fucking an Olympian. How hot does that make you?' ::rolls eyes::

I hope they have condoms adorned with the Olympic rings.

...dude, they should make Olympic Cock Rings! And distribute them to all the men's swim teams...and possibly all the German men's sports teams, regardless.

Okay, I'm stopping.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Olympic Cock Rings, but that's five rings, that's going to be kind of hard to manuveur. Just saying. Okay, seriously though, I know you want to see this.

//According to the Daily News, he has size 14 feet and a longer torso than most humans, resulting in an arm span (six foot seven) that is longer than his height (six foot four). It's like Zeus had sex with a dolphin, who gave birth to Michael Phelps.// (http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/08/michael_phelps.html#hp)

I decided during the 200IM that before the Olympics, Michael said that Ryan had to give him a blow job for every gold medal he brought home to which Ryan exhaled his hit from his bong (de rigeur) and was all, "My gold is going to be worth more than yours."

Michael: You think you're getting a gold?
Ryan: I know I am. More than one.
Michael: You bring home more golds than me and I'll let you fuck me
Ryan: I'm going to fuck you anyway. In the pool. You are going down, Phelps.
Michael: You wish.
Ryan: That is true too.

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Maybe they're like those sets of detachable rings that you have to figure out how to pull apart (in this case to use). And, like, color-coordinated to your grade of horny.

I CAN MAKE THIS WORK!

Ahem. That link is both frightening and oddly appealing (much like Phelps himself). I liked this:

But he emphasizes his best assets by wearing his swim trunks extremely low and waxing — or perhaps lasering? — his body hair. I'd still do him.

All that hairless real estate? Yes, please.

I decided during the 200IM that before the Olympics, Michael said that Ryan had to give him a blow job for every gold medal he brought home

...I almost died. No WONDER he really, really wants to win all 8 golds (and fuck that record-breaking Spitz whatever thing, anyway. we're talking something important here). Talk about motivation, man. The USOC couldn't have done better.

The USOC might wanna consider giving Ryan a medal for, uhh, services rendered.

Ryan: I'm going to fuck you anyway. In the pool. You are going down, Phelps.

::wants:: ...just, guh.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

It kills me though that even when the moment should be about everyone -- the 4X100 for example -- the press make it allllllll about him. Cullen Jones? Not in the first thousand million photos of the celebration b/c he was on the side of the pool watching Jason Lezak come in. Jason? Not actually in the celebration for a while there. Based on the press coverage you would've thought that Michael had swum all four legs himself, with the way the press kept saying it was his medal and not their medal. That is a joint fucking effort people, show some respect. Bitter what?

Re: Another thought I was having

[alethialia.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love that Newsweek piece, btw:

Phelps' nemesis Ian Crocker. Nothing personal, of course. But in Athens it was Crocker's slow leg that led to a disappointing bronze medal for Phelps in the 4X100 meter freestyle relay and prevented him from tying Mark Spitz's record seven gold medals. And at last year's worlds in Melbourne, Crocker left too early in a preliminary heat of the 4x100 medley relay, getting the U.S. team disqualified and costing Phelps a perfect 8-for-8 gold championship.

It was CROCKER'S FAULT that he didn't get those precious gold medals! HE did that to poor MICHAEL. Break out the gallows, we'll have a hanging at dawn.

That is a joint fucking effort people, show some respect. Bitter what?

Heh. Those poor, poor teammates. But also poor Michael. If he's self-aware at all he's gotta realize that he's anointed now, but the moment he stops being able to perform, he'll be shark bait.

Re: Another thought I was having

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Didn't you get the memo? Ryan Lochte will never be good enough, but he can be Batman's butt monkey Robin. Ian Crocker? The son of bitch should be stoned at dusk! And this guy:

But by the end of the first length of the pool, New Zealands Moss Burmeister had surprisingly caught him. A whiff of tension blew through the press tribune. But no worries. Phelps simply wound it up a notch and quickly overtook Burmeister.


Well, the press would've cut off his nuts if he'd beat their precious Michael. Whatever would they talk about if OMG! Michael got a silver medal.

This one of those times where you think maybe you should be more pretty and less aware, because facing that sort of veiled hostility can't be good for anybody on a day to day basis. It is dead lonely at the top, and it's even worse when they knock you down to eat you alive.