hackthis_archive ([personal profile] hackthis_archive) wrote2009-07-30 03:07 pm
Entry tags:

Generation Kill - The Messenger (Rated PG, Warning for Character Death)

I want to make it very clear upfront that this is not my fault. You can blame [livejournal.com profile] alethialia and [livejournal.com profile] romanticalgirl. There was some question about whether or not I could angst with the best of them. As someone who used to kill people for sport (Harry Potter people know exactly what I'm talking about) I take great offense to this.

So. This is a writing exercise to see how badly this could possibly this hurt. I had to get it done. I never said I wasn't a little sadistic (masochistic).

Generation Kill
Rated PG
Warning: Character Death
The Messenger






Brad's working on the specs for one of his client's when there's scrabbling at the lock on the front door. The door swings open a little violently, ricocheting off the wall.

That must've been one hell of a meeting.

Brad scratches at his temple, pulls his glasses off and sets them next to the notes he's scribbled down on how Initech's entire firewall could be hacked by a chimpanzee on Jolly Ranchers.

It's not Nate that's on the doorstep though.

"You know you don't live here," Brad says to Ray. "What did I tell you about stealing the spare key?"

Ray's laugh is weak. "Then you shouldn't leave it where anybody can find it, asshole."

"Burglary isn't a real concern in my house," Brad says wryly, waiting for Ray to come inside.

Ray keeps loitering on the doorstep though, and behind him, Brad can see the Henderson girls on their pink bikes, streamers flying as they sail past.

Brad glances at the corner of his laptop screen: it's 4:56 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon.

He watches Ray shift from foot-to-foot the way he does when Walt's locked him out because Ray pissed him off again and Ray doesn't want to climb the drainpipe to get back into their apartment.

The corner of Brad's mouth quirks up at the left corner. "The homeless shelter is around the corner, Person. You might want to get there before Nate gets home. He's still pissed about the Super Glue on the toilet lid."

Ray blinks. "Yeah. I -- Brad."

Brad narrows his eyes. Something's -- something's very wrong.

He stands up fast enough that his chair tips over behind him. "What?"

"There -- there was this accident," Ray says, hands flying around as he talks. "A car accident."

Brad's across the room in seconds, invading Ray's air space like Napalm. "You had an accident in Hasser's car?" he says in disbelief. "You know Walt's going to --"

"BRAD!"

Brad's words die off like they just got hit by the 50 cal. Ray's eyes are too big, his face too pale. Even for his whiskey tango ass. He's not looking at Brad as much as he's looking over his right shoulder.

Brad waits for it. Waits more. Recon Marines can wait forever if they have to.

He should just wait this one out. "Say it, Ray," he grits out anyway.

Ray swallows and looks away. And that's when Brad starts to lose the feeling in his toes.

Ray always looks him in the eye, bitching the entire time when he does about how Brad's fucking Hebrew ancestors were probably fucking giraffes in their downtime.

"Ray."

He doesn't know what's in his voice, couldn't define the tone with a thesaurus. He can hear the break though. He can feel it in his throat.

Ray swallows again; Brad can see his hands balling into fists. And then there are those eyes. The last time Brad saw Ray with this much despair he was detoxing from six weeks on Ripped Fuel.

"It's Nate," Ray says bluntly.

Brad blinks.

And then he blinks some more. He thought Ray was going to say Walt. He thought...

"Nate what?" he says roughly, his hands curling in on themselves. Ray's eyes are shining. Brad can't believe he didn't notice the redness before. "Say it!" he barks out.

For the first time since he showed up, Ray looks him in the eye. "Nate's gone, Brad. There was a pile up on the 5. Some big-rig tractor turned over..."

Brad cocks his head to the side as Ray's words die off. Brad can feel the pull in the tendons in his neck. His fingertips feel numb. "Someone would've called me," he says evenly.

"He was -- he was talking to Walt when it happened," Ray blurts out. "They -- there was supposed to be a surprise party for your birthday, and --

Brad is not going to apologize for punching Ray in the mouth.

He's not.

The messenger is the one that always gets it the worst, anybody who says otherwise is a liar.

So, Brad's just going to ignore these lies. Instead, he's going to go sit back down at his desk and go back to work. He's going to finish this assessment for that job he promised Nate he would finish. And then he's going to go turn the oven on so it'll get hot for the fish he's been marinating for dinner tonight.

In an hour or so, Nate'll get home from that pointless fucking fire drill that he got called back to L.A. for. Brad'll tell him about this sick fucking joke that Person pulled, and Nate'll ask why the hell Brad and Ray are friends at all.

They have this conversation at least every six months, sometimes more, sometimes less.

But in the meantime, Brad's just going to sit down here on the doorstep and wait.

Because that's what he and Nate do: they wait for each other.

They wait for the war to be over. They wait for Brad to come back from the UK. They wait for fucking DADT to be repealed so they can finally live together in this house that still has boxes in the garage.

So, Brad will sit here and wait for Nate to come home, because that's what Nate would want.



-end-

[personal profile] irishdf 2009-07-31 04:56 am (UTC)(link)
Well, damn. You have this ability to wield your words with pin-point accuracy, building pictures that literally take on lives of their own.

Thankfully, most of the time that is a very good thing indeed. But times like these, it makes us *feel* the moment of impact, when the loss of such a life is realized, and it's like sucking all of the oxygen out of the universe.

It makes me think of W. H. Auden's "Stop All the Clocks..."

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

That's probably more than you wanted, but I do have that tendency of getting SO INVESTED in my lads. And you have such talent, it fair takes my breath away sometimes. That's a good thing. The power to move people and make them react is an amazing thing. It just sometimes leads to leaving sobbing wrecks strewn in your path.

So, challenge answered. Your title as Angst Queen is assured. And I shall try to go and dream of happier things for our Brad and Nate. And you should know that my sudden and sweeping love affair with Generation Kill is thanks in very large part to you and yours. So thanks for that, and all you do. It is really very much appreciated. Truly. :)

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 04:53 pm (UTC)(link)
I love Auden! And am well familiar with this poem. *sniff* Damn, now you've even made ME sad.
soul_cake_duck: (kiss - oh_mcgee)

[personal profile] soul_cake_duck 2009-07-31 06:01 am (UTC)(link)
Mmm, angst. Its like picking a scab - painful, but somehow really satisfying at the same time.

The messenger is the one that always gets it the worst, anybody who says otherwise is a liar.

I loved this line.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 04:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Mmm, angst. Its like picking a scab - painful, but somehow really satisfying at the same time.

Yes, that!

[identity profile] dragondie.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 06:46 am (UTC)(link)
Oh God! Why would you do that? Why would the Universe do that?
:goes off to cry a million tears:

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 04:59 pm (UTC)(link)
*hands Kleenex*

[identity profile] clare328.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 07:45 am (UTC)(link)
god, when i saw this my gut reaction was 'don't fucking touch it" but my brain was like "but it's annnnggst and you're an angst junkie and you know you want to" and like an idiot i listened to the little devil and now I'm traumatised. But my brain is still being triumphant because i actually think my sick mind enjoyed being traumatised by you killing my LT.

God, I'm feeling a bit fucked up right now. Stupid masochistic tendencies.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:01 pm (UTC)(link)
What you just said is exactly how I felt when this idea first popped into my head. I was all "No, don't do it!" and the it was all "aw, come on! Just one time!" This is how people get hooked on crack too.

[identity profile] tikiaceae.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 08:17 am (UTC)(link)
God. I need to read something happy NOW. Or eat something totally unhealthy.

Oh, Brad...

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Chocolate is good. Chocolate is awesome.

[identity profile] demiana-kassio.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 08:30 am (UTC)(link)
Okay. This hurts a whole fucking lot. And really, it's too early in the day for me to be crying, so I just won't.

And I hope, now that you got it out of your system, this won't be a regular occurence. Seriously.

I really shouldn't start tearing up about fictional characters, this is just not beneficial to my health.

In summary: Don't do that again! Please.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:05 pm (UTC)(link)
It's okay, it's just a story! I just needed to get it out of my system (I think).

[identity profile] sousha.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 09:28 am (UTC)(link)
That is great. Really! And the end almost made me cry.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks!

[identity profile] aboutademongirl.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 10:15 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, my. Oh, my. You appear to be both sadistic and masochistic, but this, despite the fact that it actually is the cause of the four tears completely ruining my mascara, is absolutely gorgeous. Really. *sniffles*

[identity profile] aboutademongirl.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 10:31 am (UTC)(link)
And damn it. I just went and read a bunch of happy things, but this is still haunting me.

(no subject)

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com - 2009-07-31 17:18 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] iwwfw.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 12:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Okay, okay, you've proven your big angsty guns! Continue the Brad-voice perfection. Make the sad go away. I keep having to stop typing to wipe away the tears. My laptop does not like.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry laptop! It's okay, really. It's just a story.
ext_236295: (Ray)

[identity profile] maurheti.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 01:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Badwrong!! Crying now. Beautiful, though...

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
*smiles* Thank you!
ext_1101: (GK - nate2)

[identity profile] lunasky.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 02:06 pm (UTC)(link)
That was just heartbreaking. It was this line:

Because that's what he and Nate do: they wait for each other.

That's the line that just killed me.

But I have to say, I kinda like a nice, angsty, horrible (only in a heart-twisting kind of way) deathfic every now and then. Yes, I'm probably sick and twisted, but it's refreshing in a way. Happy endings are by far my preference but the world seem that much happier some times if there's some chance of it not working out as well.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:24 pm (UTC)(link)

But I have to say, I kinda like a nice, angsty, horrible (only in a heart-twisting kind of way) deathfic every now and then. Yes, I'm probably sick and twisted, but it's refreshing in a way. Happy endings are by far my preference but the world seem that much happier some times if there's some chance of it not working out as well.


I agree. It's cleansing for the palate in a way.
ext_9063: (GenKill Doc)

[identity profile] mlyn.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 05:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Ouch. I am now fully cognizant and appreciative of your taste for blood, because that hurt to read. In a good way, of course.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 11:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks!
(deleted comment)

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 11:38 pm (UTC)(link)
It's only temporary, I'm sure.

[identity profile] fourfreedoms.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 08:02 pm (UTC)(link)
He died planning Brad's surprise birthday party. That isn't just angsty, that's tragic...that's fucking...BRAD IS NEVER GOING TO RECOVER.It's not just that Nate's dead that makes that so sad, but the fact that Brad is going to spend the rest of his life an emotionless zombie.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 11:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, no, Brad's probably not going to recover from this one. *sniff* Poor Brad! Okay, now, even I'm kind of depressed.

[identity profile] missdunham.livejournal.com 2009-07-31 08:25 pm (UTC)(link)
;(

I feel like some big kid just stole my candy bar

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 11:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Yes, but it was a very tasty candy bar so thanks for that ;-)

[identity profile] makeit-takeit.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 12:04 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, shit. I knew I shouldn't have read this at work. But I just couldn't help myself, could I? Nooooo, of course not, and now I'm blubbering at my desk. Sad Brad, he is too tragic to be borne.

But really excellent work, as always.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)
*hands Kleenex* They say crying is very, um, cleansing.

[identity profile] fosfomifira.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 07:24 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, man, this had me reaching for a kleenex when I first read it last night. You can tell Brad is not going to deal well at all with Nate's death, that it might be the one thing that could break him for good and that's almost as sad as Nate dying. I just have a very hard time picturing Brad putting himself back together and having a life after this. Nate dying, I don't want to think about it, but it's the timing that really gets me, the sense that they barely got a taste of being happy together before it was over and the unfairness of the situation is what got me teary. I think that Nate might deal better with Brad's death, not that it wouldn't hurt like crazy, but he seems more together to begin with and Brad possibly dying in action would make sense, in that cruel sort of way.

I liked reading how Ray tried to break the news, how utterly lost he was, how broken he was by the news and having to tear down Brad's happy world.

Thank you for sharing.

[identity profile] hackthis.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 11:43 pm (UTC)(link)
I think that Nate might deal better with Brad's death, not that it wouldn't hurt like crazy, but he seems more together to begin with and Brad possibly dying in action would make sense, in that cruel sort of way.

Which is why I decided to do it with Brad and not Nate. With Brad it seems more a real possibility, that something could go wrong while he's deployed. I'm sure Nate's braced himself for that sort of possibility, but this sort of totally unexpected thing... yeah. I'm kind of sadistic like that.

[identity profile] girl-wonder.livejournal.com 2009-08-01 06:52 pm (UTC)(link)
:(

You wrote this because you hate me. True/False.

(no subject)

[identity profile] girl-wonder.livejournal.com - 2009-08-02 02:44 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] burningchaos.livejournal.com 2010-11-11 11:21 pm (UTC)(link)
*hands over heart* You've ripped it out so you might as well keep it. This was amazing, and I am in tears even though I read the warning. It was the last five lines that did it.

[identity profile] true-masquerade.livejournal.com 2010-11-12 03:45 am (UTC)(link)
I just reread this thanks to the "angst" friday 5.

It's very sad and poignant and very well done (you CAN write angst, I am assured of this!)

But it also made me smile, because I think it was one of the first things I ever read in this fandom, and although I have no idea how I found this, I'm pretty sure that your mentions of [livejournal.com profile] romanticalgirl and [livejournal.com profile] alethialia at the top and your epic conversations in the comments were how I discovered their fic, and between the three of you, your stories made this fandom for me :-) so thank you!

[identity profile] celerywench.livejournal.com 2011-03-15 02:24 am (UTC)(link)
Way late and after reading the domestic fic where Nate goes grocery shopping (twice!) after reading the break up fic, I was like, yeah okay, I can handle a little death fic. What's the big deal anyways? It's fictional.

1) I wonder how hackthis will kill the character... oh car crash? ooh nate. huh. sad. (no real emotional investment)
2) ... *tensing at Ray can't get out what he's saying*
3) ... Brad?... Brad? *welling up* Brad??? IS BRAD OKAY???!
4) And then he's going to go turn the oven on so it'll get hot for the fish he's been marinating for dinner tonight. The exact point where you broke me. Tears started gushing out and I could barely read the rest of the fic through the haze.

Killing Nate isn't hard - it's just words - pure fiction. sad. but patently false. The emotional damage left over, Brad's denial, the inevitable pain, the way they waited years to be together only to be cut off at the knees, the raw, real, identifiable, unfairness of it all - that's where you sliced open our hearts and left it out to bleed. ;-;

And I second everybody's sentiments of - YOU ARE SO AMAZING, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!

Now I need domestic fic again ;-; the happy variety.

[identity profile] onsides.livejournal.com 2012-03-06 08:59 am (UTC)(link)
Oh Gosh, I haven't cried over fic in a long time.
This is so brilliantly written, you got Brad just right.
Wonderful fic, sadness and all ♥

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