I've lost my ability to write. I've lost my porn, too. I can't even drum up a decent visual!

Ari has run off all of my muses, and I've lost my reading list to Supernatural and SG:A. I am most displeased –- but if you can't make yourself content no one can, so here's what I'm listening to right now:

( Behind this tag are several artist you've probably never even heard of. If you are adverse to trying new things, or consider the radio a source of real music, don't click here, you'll probably break out in hives and I would only laugh evilly at your pain, because, yes, I am that mean )

I told you art is the way to my heart. resmin brought the art. Her summary was, "Go there, steal the mascot outfit, deny if caught. Go!" My brain took it from there.

Dedicated to resmin and to ethrosdemon, so she'll stop fucking harassing me about the pairing.

RPS/RPC (Real Person Crack)
Jake Gyllenhaal. George Clooney. Peter Saarsgaard. Maggie Gyllenhaal. With appearances by Ari Gold and Heath Ledger.

No One Here Gets Out Alive

( This story contains sarcasm, Ari Gold, the Oscars, drug usage, TV executives, would be vampires, Heath Ledger, Busy Phillips' cousin, mascot uniforms and random craziness. If you think you'll find these things offensive, uh, you shouldn't be here anyway. )

I have so much love for serialkarma and antheia. ♥ And Happy St. Drinking Day, err, St. Patrick's so.

---

We're going to try something a little different today. I am at a loss for inspiration, so I come to you lot to show me what you think I should turn my hand to now. I have five story titles, but I have no subjects to match them, so, what I require from you lot, in 50/75 words or less, is what's the spin?

Pairing, fandom, rating, summary, theme, improv, opening line, maybe some art *hintfuckinghint* -- in short, tell me what the story is about, based on the title, and maybe I'll write you the whole thing.

Titles to choose from:
* No One Here Gets Out Alive
* 'Til the Wheels Fall Off
* The Heart is Deceitful Above All Else
* Song for the Dumped
* My One True Religion

thecomfychair has informed me that on 1 April, Jeremy Piven Ari will be have a special on Discovery HD called Journey of a Lifetime with Ari, err, Jeremy Piven -- because after the Oscar business, Ari had to get away. Right. I digress. I don't have Discovery HD. I don't know anyone who has it, but one of you bitches must and then you can share with the class. Please?

---

Yesterday, the beloved violetsmiles had a meme asking how you'd found her LJ, what your favorite Prince song was (you can't choose just one for real), and what song made you think of fandom. The last one actually had me stymied for a bit until this morning when Damon Albarn started hollering that he was looking for Girls who want boys/ who like boys to be girls/ who do boys like they're girls/ who do girls like they're boys/ Always should be someone you really love -- and I said, oh, Blur's 'Girls & Boys' THAT'S SO FANDOM.

And then a few hours later I got an e-mail that people were talking shit about a friend of mine in their locked posts, and besides just being rude and juvenile and crass, my first thought was, I've so been here!

Sometimes people judge you without knowing a damn thing about you. Sometimes people are just that infantile and petty. Some people just have to get their hate on. And I thought of Timex Social Club's 'Rumours' -- I'll think I'll write my congressman, and tell him to pass a bill, the next time they catch somebody starting rumors---shoot to kill! -- because THAT'S SO FANDOM, TOO.

At the end of the day though, we're all in this together. Love it, hate it, want to take a torch to it and burn that branch off of the family tapestry, we do this fandom shit together. No one else understands it, and protects it the way we do, and that's what makes it so interesting. And in that instance, well, there's only one song for it: Sister Sledge 'We Are Family' -- BECAUSE THAT'S JUST FANDOM.

Ari was still basking in the Oscar afterglow when George sent him the blackberry text. The post-Oscars euphoria was a week old, but Ari planned to ride that bitch until it broke down and he had to call AAA.


I wrote a column. There -- I said it. -- G


Ari squinted because Crackberry or not, the font size was smaller than Fred Durst's dick, which was such an unpleasant thought that he got distracted and had to go sexually harass Weiss and Fields in the mailroom to get over it. He didn't think much of George's message, because George said shit all the time.

That was George's whole problem.

When Ari came back to his office, Lloyd was hovering at the elevator banks. "I've been getting all these calls about George's column," he said. "Have you read it? It's really good." Lloyd put all his emphasis on "really" like he tended to whenever he was talking about George. It was the verbal equivalent of Lloyd giving George a blow job, which again, was another image that Ari didn't need.

"What column, you mean the column inches of his dick?" Ari said this because he could. He'd seen George's dick. He knew the routine. "Walk with me."

Lloyd had actually been the second person to profit from George's Oscar win, Ari being the first. The morning after George's Oscar win, which, really, with how long they were out drinking was more like the afternoon after -- Ari called the best escort service in Hollywood and made arrangements for Lloyd to have a little visitor along with the note:

You've blown us to an Oscar, you can let someone else do the work now.

Ari knew how to reward loyalty.

"It's really political," Lloyd added on, hot on Ari's heels. Ari could feel the eyes of his staff on his back. He loved it when he had all the power, it made his dick hard. "People are saying that he's getting ready to run for office -- Oprah and George in 2008."

Ari snorted, stopped, and turned around. "All right, fucktards and plebes, listen up so you can quote this accurately to Mark at Defamer -- George is not running for office this year. George is not running for office next year. I can't make any promises about the year after that, because by then we'll all be richer than god, and we'll just be able to buy the White House like George Bush, but I assure you that when we take over, and we will take over, I'll let each and every one of you suck my dick in the Oval Office, okay?"

I have a paper cut. I have to see the GP. However, I also have Bob Marley singing One Love and the latest edition of Men's Vogue (for the menswear, people). Also, I see that there's some sort of conspiracy to get me to write Oscar fic, but I'm just not that connected today. Here, have this.

Entourage/RPF Parody
George. Ari. Jake. Other people.


GEORGE CLOONEY'S DIARY


( 9:10am – Ari calls, again. Is panicked because eldest daughter, Sarah, is sick, and Mrs Ari has forbidden him from attending Oscars. Ari says she's not dying and Mrs Ari being unreasonable. Remind Ari am Sarah's godfather. He says then I should stay with her, and he'll go be George Clooney instead. Ha fucking ha )

The Unholy Terror Joan Rivers: What are you looking forward to the most tonight?

George Clooney: How drunk I'm going to be in an hour and a half.

I <3 George.


Ari is beside himself. Literally. Did you see him at last night's Indie Spirit Awards? ruidoso sent me photos because Ari was there with George*! Also, thank you to everybody who read and commented on Building Steam From a Grain of Salt: The Story of Ari Gold. It means a lot to me. And Ari.

ETA: Why is Jake pretending kissing another man was all weird to him? I smell hypocrisy. I bet Austin has something to say about that for real.


*Apparently, Ari was working the room and trying to sign Felicity Huffman. It's always work work work.


ETA2: George Clooney and Jon Stewart in bed together. And it's not Anderson Cooper's dream. This is officially the best awards show ever. I don't ever have to see another awards show again in my life.

Is the entire show going to be Jon flirting with George? I am SO watching the whole thing now.


ETA3: jskejvnaoimvcakfjvcwc. Yeah. That's the noise Ari and I just made.

Entourage/Real People Fiction

An Amazon.com ™ exclusive


Building Steam from a Grain of Salt: The Story of Ari Gold


( Click here for excerpts from Ari Gold's autobiography 'Building Steam from a Grain of Salt', coming soon to a bookstore near you, except for Wal-Mart because those fuckers took exception to all the profanity contained within and wanted it edited. We told those cow-tippers to go suck a dick behind the Formosa Café like George Michael. )

I am actually quivering with the caffeine overload. I woke up on the productive side of the bed, fear me. And Ari. But that's later.

a) Hip-hop at the Smithsonian. Yeah, boyeee!!! gacked from antheia

b) This is so Narcissa

c) slodwick made Sheppard & Baby art.. Since nifra_idril had already slayed my ovaries with more Cylon Baby + 2 Daddies I said all right, you win 1000 words. Or maybe a few more than 1000.

Stargate: Atlantis AU
Sheppard/McKay

Surrogate Father


( I am multi-tasking today. Somehow between the taxes and the work and Ari's autobiography and driving Serial Karma up the wall, I decided to write baby Sheppard fic. No, I don't know what I was smoking. No, hopefully, I don't have anymore )

a) oxoniensis wrote me Wee!Helo ; b) nifra_idril wrote Cylon Baby Daddies!

(Both of these have spoilers for the most recent BSG)

c) Jake and Austin doing the town. Boy, that's a morning after the night before if ever I saw it with the scraggly hair and wrinkled clothes. Heh.


On the subject of slodwick:

hackthis: Okay, the soundtrack that slodwick made for Chasing Sheppard? If I were in the OST business I'd prolly hire her based on that alone.

serialkarma: slodwick is so freaking talented, and I wonder if she has *any idea*, you know?

hackthis: OMG, did you see the Ari art she made? I totally have to write a story for that, and it's not even for me.

serialkarma: Yes, it was fantastic. Plus, did you see all those covers for fake stories she did last week? Damn.

hackthis: I know! If it were anybody else, I'd hate them, good thing she's on the side of slash.

And so, you know, we heart Slod.


*Yes, I really am hoping to write the story to go with the art, but I have lots of other things on my mind at the moment, and my ability to write has taken a sabbatical without me, so.