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hackthis_archiveI have a paper cut. I have to see the GP. However, I also have Bob Marley singing One Love and the latest edition of Men's Vogue (for the menswear, people). Also, I see that there's some sort of conspiracy to get me to write Oscar fic, but I'm just not that connected today. Here, have this.
Entourage/RPF Parody
George. Ari. Jake. Other people.
GEORGE CLOONEY'S DIARY
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Weight: 170 svelte pounds after suffering, OMG, so much trauma shooting Syriana. Still suffering pain from neck injury, thankfully, no spinal fluid coming out nose today. Plus, am still hottest man ever. That helps.
Cigarettes: Am already smoking hot, so, not necessary.
Units of alcohol consumed: Am drunker than W.C. Fields, only without broken capillaries in nose. Plus, can still charm pants off of anyone because am George Clooney. Rock.
7:00am – Am woken up by text message from Ari. Today is Oscar day, have not forgotten, am not stupid, like, say Bradley. Would be excited, but since never win awards anyway, not bothered. At all.
7:02am – Am woken by other text message from Ari. Really, not bothered.
7:04am – Phone call from Ari. Let answerphone get it.
7:06am – Am still in bed, if very important Ari will send smoke signal or Lloyd.
7:12am – Blackberry from Matt. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Beard wants pickles and ice cream; Matt wants beer. Is 10am in Miami. Perfectly fine time for pickles and beer. Is Matt's own fault for knocking up beard in first place. Remind him of this.
7:30am – Blackberry from Brad. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Copy him on text sent to Matt.
7:41am – Doorbell.
7:45am -- Lloyd has pre-Oscar basket with booze, turkey bacon, jam and croissants. Either death, dismemberment, or another beard is knocked up. Not sure who is left to have knocked someone up. Ari must be in trouble with Mrs Ari.
Invite Lloyd in. Max loves Lloyd.
7:50-9:00am – Breakfast. Coffee. CNN. Anderson. Yum.
9:10am – Ari calls, again. Is panicked because eldest daughter, Sarah, is sick, and Mrs Ari has forbidden him from attending Oscars. Ari says she's not dying and Mrs Ari being unreasonable. Remind Ari am Sarah's godfather. He says then I should stay with her, and he'll go be George Clooney instead.
Ha fucking ha.
9:15am – Hang-up on Ari.
9:30am – Lloyd takes Max for walk.
9:40-10:30am – Shower. Check status of hair. Still grey. Still all present and accounted for. Still the hottest man in the land.
10:30am – Lloyd brings back Max. Wishes luck. Complains of pain in jaw. Hope used dental dams if really did blow ½ of Academy for my not-ever-going-to-happen-but-I'm-not-bitter Oscar.
10:30-11:00am – Field phone calls from Grant, Brad, Richard and Oprah. Oprah having man troubles again, have told her to be firm. If Steadman doesn't like it, he can find another cash cow.
11:20pm –Ari calls. Again. Is v bitter about Mrs Ari smackdown. Tell him to ask if he can come to after-parties as Oscars are boring anyway and will only be squirming and bitching entire night anyway.
11:50 – Ari calls back. Has procured suitable substitute escort – Bryan Lourd of CAA, who Ari refers to as 'Lex Luthor wannabe.' Has apparently been warned that if he tries to poach me, Ari will cut him with a grapefruit spoon. Love Ari.
12:15pm – Have drink
12:25pm – Have another drink.
12:35pm – Have another drink.
1:00pm -- Get dressed. What to wear? Black tuxedo jacket, black tuxedo jacket, or black tuxedo jacket. Settle on black tuxedo jacket
2:30pm – Limo arrives with date. Lots of champagne in it. Ari did good.
2:45pm – Bryan's head v shiny like Lex Luthor or Bruce Willis. Ari was right.
3:30-4:30pm -- RED CARPET TIME.
Kill press and fans with charisma and schmooze power. Tell aging corpse Rivers plan to get very drunk. Lied. Am already wasted. *Hiccup*.
5:00pm – OSCAR TIME
5:06pm -- Aw, Jon Stewart has a crush on me. Is v cute. At least could talk politics with Jon in bed. Might have issue with jealous!Ari, but Ari hates everyone except Matt anyway.
5:09pm -- Jon has big crush. Wow, thought Jon was married. Perhaps only beard. Hmm, will have to ask around.
5:15pm -- Cat Keener says Ari is Blackberrying her during ceremony. Clearly suffering from separation anxiety. Will call later.
5:20pm – I WON! I WON! I WON!
5:31pm – Commercial break. Cat Keener hands over Blackberry. Apparently Ari spammed her so much that Blackberry broke. Whoops.
6:00pm -- Bored now.
7:00ish -- A pimp is just an agent with a better hat. Heh. Clearly Jon has met Ari. Jon very entertaining when he's flirting with me. Did he just wink at me? Another one bites the Clooney dust.
7:30pm – Three 6 Mafia win Oscar and thank me. Yes, clearly this is my night. Perhaps should rename the Oscars "The Clooneys."
7:40pm – 8:30 – Blah blah blah Crash blah blah blah.
8:42 pm -- Post-Oscars ass-kissing fest. Ang. Phil. Hmm. Jake Gyllenhaal looking promising. Is very much in my personal space.
Jon who?
9:00-9:30pm – Photos. More photos. Am going blind. Will perhaps call Oscar Floyd. Is v shiny. Wow.
10:00pm – Swing by Ari's. Am attacked in driveway by crazy person that used to be my agent. Clearly Ari very happy about Floyd. Let Ari touch Floyd once. Twice. Take away when he starts to drool on Floyd.
Clearly Floyd very powerful.
10:30-11:15pm -- Party at Dan Tana's. Have to get rid of Krista before can hook up with Jake. Porn stars so tiresome. Hypnotise with power of The Floyd and put in taxi. Everyone else v amused.
11:00-3:00am – Party at Bryan's. Jake there. Hypnotise Jake with power of Floyd and charm. Promise role in next film as soon as Jake completes casting couch session.
Ari not amused, but never promised to use powers of Floyd for good.
Tomorrow will think about running for office. Maybe Oprah wants to team up.
--end--
Thank you to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
slodwick boji and resmin for their assistance with this task ;)
Entourage/RPF Parody
George. Ari. Jake. Other people.
Weight: 170 svelte pounds after suffering, OMG, so much trauma shooting Syriana. Still suffering pain from neck injury, thankfully, no spinal fluid coming out nose today. Plus, am still hottest man ever. That helps.
Cigarettes: Am already smoking hot, so, not necessary.
Units of alcohol consumed: Am drunker than W.C. Fields, only without broken capillaries in nose. Plus, can still charm pants off of anyone because am George Clooney. Rock.
7:00am – Am woken up by text message from Ari. Today is Oscar day, have not forgotten, am not stupid, like, say Bradley. Would be excited, but since never win awards anyway, not bothered. At all.
7:02am – Am woken by other text message from Ari. Really, not bothered.
7:04am – Phone call from Ari. Let answerphone get it.
7:06am – Am still in bed, if very important Ari will send smoke signal or Lloyd.
7:12am – Blackberry from Matt. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Beard wants pickles and ice cream; Matt wants beer. Is 10am in Miami. Perfectly fine time for pickles and beer. Is Matt's own fault for knocking up beard in first place. Remind him of this.
7:30am – Blackberry from Brad. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Copy him on text sent to Matt.
7:41am – Doorbell.
7:45am -- Lloyd has pre-Oscar basket with booze, turkey bacon, jam and croissants. Either death, dismemberment, or another beard is knocked up. Not sure who is left to have knocked someone up. Ari must be in trouble with Mrs Ari.
Invite Lloyd in. Max loves Lloyd.
7:50-9:00am – Breakfast. Coffee. CNN. Anderson. Yum.
9:10am – Ari calls, again. Is panicked because eldest daughter, Sarah, is sick, and Mrs Ari has forbidden him from attending Oscars. Ari says she's not dying and Mrs Ari being unreasonable. Remind Ari am Sarah's godfather. He says then I should stay with her, and he'll go be George Clooney instead.
Ha fucking ha.
9:15am – Hang-up on Ari.
9:30am – Lloyd takes Max for walk.
9:40-10:30am – Shower. Check status of hair. Still grey. Still all present and accounted for. Still the hottest man in the land.
10:30am – Lloyd brings back Max. Wishes luck. Complains of pain in jaw. Hope used dental dams if really did blow ½ of Academy for my not-ever-going-to-happen-but-I'm-not-bitter Oscar.
10:30-11:00am – Field phone calls from Grant, Brad, Richard and Oprah. Oprah having man troubles again, have told her to be firm. If Steadman doesn't like it, he can find another cash cow.
11:20pm –Ari calls. Again. Is v bitter about Mrs Ari smackdown. Tell him to ask if he can come to after-parties as Oscars are boring anyway and will only be squirming and bitching entire night anyway.
11:50 – Ari calls back. Has procured suitable substitute escort – Bryan Lourd of CAA, who Ari refers to as 'Lex Luthor wannabe.' Has apparently been warned that if he tries to poach me, Ari will cut him with a grapefruit spoon. Love Ari.
12:15pm – Have drink
12:25pm – Have another drink.
12:35pm – Have another drink.
1:00pm -- Get dressed. What to wear? Black tuxedo jacket, black tuxedo jacket, or black tuxedo jacket. Settle on black tuxedo jacket
2:30pm – Limo arrives with date. Lots of champagne in it. Ari did good.
2:45pm – Bryan's head v shiny like Lex Luthor or Bruce Willis. Ari was right.
3:30-4:30pm -- RED CARPET TIME.
Kill press and fans with charisma and schmooze power. Tell aging corpse Rivers plan to get very drunk. Lied. Am already wasted. *Hiccup*.
 |
5:00pm – OSCAR TIME
5:06pm -- Aw, Jon Stewart has a crush on me. Is v cute. At least could talk politics with Jon in bed. Might have issue with jealous!Ari, but Ari hates everyone except Matt anyway.
5:09pm -- Jon has big crush. Wow, thought Jon was married. Perhaps only beard. Hmm, will have to ask around.
5:15pm -- Cat Keener says Ari is Blackberrying her during ceremony. Clearly suffering from separation anxiety. Will call later.
5:20pm – I WON! I WON! I WON!
5:31pm – Commercial break. Cat Keener hands over Blackberry. Apparently Ari spammed her so much that Blackberry broke. Whoops.
6:00pm -- Bored now.
7:00ish -- A pimp is just an agent with a better hat. Heh. Clearly Jon has met Ari. Jon very entertaining when he's flirting with me. Did he just wink at me? Another one bites the Clooney dust.
7:30pm – Three 6 Mafia win Oscar and thank me. Yes, clearly this is my night. Perhaps should rename the Oscars "The Clooneys."
7:40pm – 8:30 – Blah blah blah Crash blah blah blah.
8:42 pm -- Post-Oscars ass-kissing fest. Ang. Phil. Hmm. Jake Gyllenhaal looking promising. Is very much in my personal space.
Jon who?
9:00-9:30pm – Photos. More photos. Am going blind. Will perhaps call Oscar Floyd. Is v shiny. Wow.
10:00pm – Swing by Ari's. Am attacked in driveway by crazy person that used to be my agent. Clearly Ari very happy about Floyd. Let Ari touch Floyd once. Twice. Take away when he starts to drool on Floyd.
Clearly Floyd very powerful.
10:30-11:15pm -- Party at Dan Tana's. Have to get rid of Krista before can hook up with Jake. Porn stars so tiresome. Hypnotise with power of The Floyd and put in taxi. Everyone else v amused.
11:00-3:00am – Party at Bryan's. Jake there. Hypnotise Jake with power of Floyd and charm. Promise role in next film as soon as Jake completes casting couch session.
Ari not amused, but never promised to use powers of Floyd for good.
Tomorrow will think about running for office. Maybe Oprah wants to team up.
--end--
Thank you to
slodwick boji and resmin for their assistance with this task ;)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:02 pm (UTC)Ahahahahahahaha. This is *priceless* sweetie. Also, why are you all "i'm bored"? You're clearly entertaining yourself and everybody else!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:06 pm (UTC)*dies*
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:14 pm (UTC)Ahahaha. :D
Tell aging corpse Rivers plan to get very drunk.
*cough*
That aging corpse mentions George in her match.com (http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=5979122&blogID=95826317&Mytoken=154F2D3A-1045-12F7-8536CE874432732410223687) profile. Oy.
Tomorrow will think about running for office. Maybe Oprah wants to team up.
Nooo. Not the evil Queen O.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:22 pm (UTC)That aging corpse mentions George in her match.com profile. Oy.
*sobs in horror*
(no subject)
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:18 pm (UTC)Why is it always the right-wing actors who actually make it to office, eh?
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:05 pm (UTC)Amen!
Why is it always the right-wing actors who actually make it to office, eh?
Deeper pockets.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:24 pm (UTC)I just wrote a two part crackfic about George wasted at the Oscars and see where it leads. XD Is there a place one can post Clooneyfic? If it means more fic like yours, I want IN. XD
This was fantastic. V. Bridget without being Bridget. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2006-03-09 09:25 pm (UTC)7:30pm – Three 6 Mafia win Oscar and thank me. Yes, clearly this is my night. Perhaps should rename the Oscars "The Clooneys."
7:40pm – 8:30 – Blah blah blah Crash blah blah blah.
This whole thing is great, but this section is my favorite part.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:30 pm (UTC)That was where I started howling and couldn't stop.
THANK YOU!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:40 pm (UTC)(Yanno, my sister's slacking. If you're really bored, you could so hook me up with some quality Old School. I'm just sayin'... I'll trade back, in the unlikely event that I have anything you're interested.)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:13 pm (UTC)I've been wanting to get on this, but I want to make a proper post and there's just soooooooo much information. Fuck it, I'll never have enough stuff to be satisfied. I'll whip one up next week.
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Date: 2006-03-09 09:53 pm (UTC)7:30am – Blackberry from Brad. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Copy him on text sent to Matt.
Excellent.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 10:14 pm (UTC)*laughs till sides split* Thanks a lot, Zahra. Really, thanks. Last line was killer. Forget Clinton/Obama, Clooney/ Winfrey's the way to go in 2008, clearly.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:18 pm (UTC)I would so stump for that ticket.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 10:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 10:48 pm (UTC)I couldn't get the Defamer link to work, so apologies if the item mentions this, but I was laughing so hard when I realized George was at the show with Bryan Lourd, because Bryan used to be married to Carrie Fisher, and then he left her for a man. Ari may have been talking about a different kind of poaching than George thought.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 09:08 pm (UTC)Stop lying. Oh, the fun never ends.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 11:03 pm (UTC)Also, Jon/George BFF OTP 4EVA liek wo! *inner tween runs amok*
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Date: 2006-03-10 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 12:22 am (UTC)I think you almost got me kicked out of the college library with this. I was laughing so. damn. hard.
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Date: 2006-03-10 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 01:00 am (UTC)This comment wins the Internet. That is all.
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Date: 2006-03-10 04:13 am (UTC)Screw Jake! My new favorite couple is George/Floyd. *g* What an inspired idea and it flows wonderfully. Only you could make an imaginary diary so damn compelling.
Might have issue with jealous!Ari, but Ari hates everyone except Matt anyway. ohmygiddyaunt, what do I need to provide as a bride to find out why Ari likes Matt?
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 09:13 pm (UTC)Ha fucking ha, smartarse. They were unrelated.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 04:38 am (UTC)Girl, you are insane. So much love. SO MUCH!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 09:14 pm (UTC)*licks*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 11:39 am (UTC)Actually, your George tells a great story.
5:20pm – I WON! I WON! I WON!
He was totally squeeing.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 09:15 pm (UTC)I don't tell the story, the pictures tell the story (http://img340.imageshack.us/my.php?image=77637771nt.jpg). I just give them their thousand words ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 03:48 pm (UTC)Not sure who is left to have knocked someone up.
kidding, right? JAKE.
Speaking of whom...*looks around* Do it now!
He says then I should stay with her, and he'll go be George Clooney instead.
Ha fucking ha.
9:15am – Hang-up on Ari.
HAHAHHAHAHA. oh gahd, I need more coffee. remind me to tell you about my morning.
7:00ish -- A pimp is just an agent with a better hat. Heh. Clearly Jon has met Ari. Jon very entertaining when he's flirting with me. Did he just wink at me? Another one bites the Clooney dust.
I love you, I love you, I love you. Oh lord.
The combined evil of Oprah and George would probably end life as we know it.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 09:20 pm (UTC)Please, you know you'd be out there stumping and assaulting pro-lifers too.
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