hackthis_archive | What the sick people do.

This started here, in

dammitcarl’s LJ, but I wasn’t serious. I’m still not. Plus, you know, sick. I blame

happyminion, who insisted that this was indeed a valid story to write. I think she’d meant for me to make it het though (talking to the wrong person) , and I’m sure she’d meant for it to at least have more than dialogue. Whoops.

Nevertheless, for two very enabling ladies, I present:

The O.C.
Hetero-Lifemates

“You’d think after three years of living together and four years of college, they would at least be a little curious. I mean everybody’s curious, right? Look at Tom Cruise, the man still won’t come out the closet, and people are curious about that.”

“No, Seth, you would be curious. The rest of the world wouldn’t really care.”

“The rest of the world does care, Ry, haven’t you been paying attention to the newspapers? Same-sex unions are all the rage.”

“I told you to stop reading Us Weekly.”

“It was just a little reading. It was a long drive, and I needed something to keep me busy. Do not nag.”

“We flew. I don’t nag.”

“Long flight. Yes, you do.”

“It takes an hour, Seth. By the time you’re up in the air, you’re coming back down. Also, I don’t nag.”

“You do nag, and speaking of down...”

“No, Seth. Not while we're at home.”

“They don’t even know we’re coming in today. They think we’re coming in tomorrow. Ten minutes in the bathroom, and I can make the sulking Glare of Doom go away. I’ve timed myself. You know this.”

“I am not sulking. There is no sulking Glare of Doom. There will be a Glare of No Sex if you don’t quit it and also -- ”

“Look! It’s them!”

“Ryan, was there something you wanted to tell me?”

“Uh, no?”

“What’s the dilly, son! Oh, wait, can I still say that?”

“No, you can’t say that.”

“Oh, okay. What’s up, homes?”

“Dad, no. Ryan, later. Mom, please stop squeezing me like a rag doll, I can’t breathe.”

*

“Mom, Dad, Ry and I are moving to Hawaii. Or Vermont. And we’re buying a dog.”

“What does a dog have to do with it?”

“It’s a sign of domesticity.”

“Who’s going to clean up after it?”

“Okay, we’ll get fish instead.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Not quite right, huh?”

“No.”

*

"Why is there no coffee? Did you drink all the coffee? Seth."

*slurp*

"When I kill you, no jury in the world will convict me."

"Somebody's grumpy this morning."

"I am not grumpy."

"Oh, but I would beg to differ." *slurp* "I mean Glare of Doom? Check. Einstein-hair from a night of insomniatic slumber? Check. If you're going for the rugged, make-Seth-weak-in-the-knees-thing it's totally working."

"I told you no messing around in the house."

"Is this about the coffee?"

"You drank the last of the coffee. You're lucky I'm letting you live."

"Oh, it's the Glare of Doom again. Is it supposed to be this erotic?" *slurp*

"Seth."

"Just asking."

"Are you going to make more coffee?"

"Why would I?"

"Because you drank it all!"

"Yes, but I have mine, I don't need any more."

"Yes, but I do."

"And this is my problem how?"

"Seth.”

"Good morning!"

"Morning!"

"I see by the lack of coffee in the coffee maker, and the sarcasm at ungodly hours, that my son is home. Correction: that both of my sons are home."

“If somebody had made some--"

"It's not my responsibility to make your --"

"You guys sound just like married people."

*silence*

"It was a joke."

"Right."

"A joke."

"Very funny, mom."

"I try."

*

“Ryan and I have decided that we like Queer as Folk so much that we’re going to emulate Ted and Emmett!”

“Who’re they again?”

“The very swishy guy and the ex-porno-king who turned into a basehead.”

*silence*

“I see your point. We’ll try again.”

*

“So, how are Super Jock and Marissa? Any overdoses or coming outs that I should know about?”

“No. Everything’s pretty much the same.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

“Very funny. What about you? How are Anna and Summer?”

“About the same.”

“That good, huh?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“At least they’re speaking to you.”

“Yeah, but only to ask if they can watch us have sex.”

“Well, that’s better than having your ex asking about blowjob tips.”

“Good point.”

“Boys! Dinner!”

*silence*

“I’ll be there as soon as my heart jumps back in my chest, mom!”

*

“Hey mom and dad, Ryan and I are having sex, and we’re moving in together. In the not platonic way. As a matter of fact, we don’t have any furniture, but we’ve picked out a bed. A big bed. A king Cal. It won’t even fit up the stairs. And it has four posts so that Ryan can tie me --”

“Okay. No. Stop.”

*

“You’re calling me.”

“I couldn’t sleep. The bed’s too big without you. I’m at a loss without your cold feet and all the blankets mysteriously migrating to your side of the bed in the middle of the night. ”

“You have a full-sized bed, Seth. It’s barely big enough for you.”

“Are you implying that I’ve put on weight?”

“Yeah, maybe in your pinky.”

“Okay, just checking. Anyway, that’s not the point.”

“Imissyoutoo.”

“That sounded not unlike Klingon. Ryan, I had no idea you were a Trekkie.”

“Feel free to shut up anytime.”

“I’m shutting up now.”

*silence*

“You’ll stay on the phone with me, right?”

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere else if that’s what you mean.”

“Ry, I think we should tell them tomorrow.”

“Yeah, definitely tomorrow.”

*

“So, we’re going to tell them today, right?”

“Yes, today. Just let me pack up my stuff first.”

“They’re not going to throw you out.”

“I’m sleeping with their son after they’ve raised us together like brothers.”

*pause*

“Okay, let me just go grab Captain Oats.”

“That’s what I thought.”

*

“So, Ryan, tell us more about this job of yours in the city. What kind of hours are you working? What kind of advancement opportunities are there? How many Jewish guys are there? Do they surf?”

“Sandy.”

“What, a man can’t inquire about how his people are doing in relation to employing his son?”

“Your ‘people’, dad? Have you been watching Eyes on the Prize again?”

“Maybe, but you know, we have a lot to overcome.”

“Oh, god.”

*clinking of knives and forks*

“It’s a good job, Sandy. It’s not too far into the city, and I’ve found a place in Santa Monica -–“

“Santa Monica, huh? That’s the beach area, with all the hot spots. Very hip and young. A good move, son. Plus, not that far from Westwood. I’m sure Seth’ll appreciate that.”

“Yeah, he’d been looking into West Hollywood, but I told him no. I’m not dealing with random guys hitting on the guy I’m dating, and yeah, dad, um, we’re dating. Did I mention that I’m moving in with Ryan, and can you pass the green beans?”

*silence*

“Did you want the salt and pepper, too?”

“Um, no?”

“Is that a question or a statement of fact?”

“No, I’m pretty sure about the salt and pepper.”

“I meant about the dating, Seth.”

“Mom, I can explain.”

“No, please don’t explain, I just wanted to know how many settings to buy for the dishes.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

“Did you think we didn’t know?’

“There’s no right answer to that, is there?”

“No.”

“Okay, just checking.”

“I think that’s very 21st Century of you guys. It’s like you’re hetero-lifemates or something. Except without the hetero. I wasn't sure about you, Ryan, but Seth, well, son. Honey, I told you ‘the women’ were a fluke.”

“Dad.”

“Sandy!”

“Well, I did. Now Ryan on the other hand, I always expected –-“

“Okay, dad. You can stop now.”

“No, I mean I think it’s great. I just, I mean look at Ryan. He’s very Russell Crowe and nobody ever thinks Russell Crowe is gay.”

“Any time you want to stop, dad, is fine.”

“But your relationship must be great. I mean you guys already know so much about each other -–“

“Dad, enough!”

“What? You started it.”

“I what?”

“You could’ve told us years ago, but instead I’ve had all this time to stockpile my material.”

“Years?”

“Years, son.”

“Oh.”

“That’s what I said.”

-end-

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