LOTRips – The Reason I Breathe is You
Mar. 8th, 2004 11:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveI am a capitalist. I have always been, always shall be, every now and then I may dabble in socialism, but for the most part I’m a capitalist who likes pretty icons. And I like ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
edigo’s skills. So when she began yammering about Billy singing Britney Spears, inevitably it made me think of said song, which you know, is really good when it’s sung by Scotsmen. Don’t believe me? Travis covered it, too, on Mark and Lard back in the day. But I digress.
I told her she could buy my services in exchange for her services, et voila. I tried to make it happy. I said I tried. *squints. tilts head 45 degrees. squints more.*
LOTRips
BB/DM, etc.
The Reason I Breathe is You
When there’s something you want, it seems like it’s everywhere, and Dominic is fucking everywhere in Billy‘s life. Dom’s like air –- unable to be contained no matter how hard Billy tries.
Dom’s face pops up in interviews and newspapers and press clippings. He’s on the telly and in the photo albums from Boots that Billy keeps in the shoeboxes in his closet. Dom’s fucking trainers are still under Billy’s wardrobe, and this was not part of the agreement Billy made with himself. All this Dom-inspired-madness was supposed to stop when Dom went off to the bloody States. All this whatever-ness was supposed to stop with Elijah and Ali and the festivals and the movies and 7000 miles between them, but some things just can’t be stopped.
It might be easier if Billy stopped trying to breathe.
*
When Billy sings his lungs inflate like balloons, and his mind clears of the omnipresent fog. Words fall from his lips like water pouring from a tap, and he feels free. Expectations, disappointments, relationships and child actors who never met a pretty face they didn’t like, are all washed from his mind. Billy’s singing is about lyrics and sentiment and feeling whatever emotion he’s trying to convey. Billy can take the tritest, most pop-ridden song and find beauty in lyrics that have been covered up and hidden underneath over-produced rhythms. He once sang Britney Spears to Dominic to prove this point; now he sings the same song because it has actual meaning.
Not all popular songs are rubbish.
*
Billy is a smart man. He’s not always sure that’s the same as being a happy man, but he’s certainly smart. He tries to do the right thing and live a good, honourable life. He’s not quite as earthy as Viggo or as earnest as Ian, but he does what he can. He tries to make the most of his talents, and he believes in tact and diplomacy and being grateful for the things you’re given in life.
He tries not to dwell on the things he doesn’t have, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Sometimes the things you let go come back to haunt you. Like Dominic. Billy let Dom go because he thought it was for the best, because Dom always made Billy feel as though he suffered from asthma, lungs constricting, chest tight, and Billy knows his lungs are just fine. And if nothing else, Billy wanted Dom to be happy, and he thought Elijah could do that for him. He thought Elijah would be better for Dom than he was, but his vanity has always told him he’s wrong, and Billy’s not a saint or a martyr. He gets angry and hurt just like everyone else, especially when things don’t work out the way Billy thought they would.
His breathing seems to be getting worse, instead of better, all the time.
*
The most believable lies have a degree of truth to them, and when Billy says he loves Ali, it’s not a deception. He loves the way she smells like Fa bath wash and musk oil from the Body Shop. He loves her smile and her hair and how the lilt of her voice first thing in the morning is by turns raspy and dark. Billy loves everything about Ali that’s not like Dom -- but loving fractions isn’t quite the same as loving the whole, and Billy was quite good at maths at school. He knows you can’t get a whole out of bits you select from the pile. Billy knows you breathe better with full lungs than you do when one’s collapsed. He also knows that it’s better to have something than nothing at all.
*
Billy knew he was going to grow apart from Dominic eventually. That’s why he didn’t move to California when Dom asked. It would’ve been a silly attempt to prevent the inevitable, and Billy knows better than that. But some nights, when he can’t see the moon from his bedroom window and the duvet is smothering him more than usual, he tries to do the yoga exercises that Dom insisted on teaching him. His breath comes in laborious bursts, and he can feel little flares in his joints.
On the night that Dom rings to say Elijah’s left for New York, Billy finds himself stuck in the lotus for twenty minutes trying to remember when breathing was a natural thing. When Ali gets up to use the loo, she finds him ashen faced and blankly staring at nothing at all. It’s almost like he’s blacked out from oxygen-deprivation whilst sitting up.
*
Billy knows that if you listen long enough people will say something intelligent. Which also means the inverse is true -- if you listen long enough even the smartest person will say something stupid. In the same phone call that Elijah insinuates that Dom’s never stopped loving Billy, he also announces that he’s moving back to Los Angeles, because it’s unreasonable to have a flat in a city he’s never in. Billy’s not sure why he stops breathing, but something’s not right in Elijah’s rationalisation. And when Ali comes over she finds him sitting on the sofa, singing U2 songs to himself for no reason at all. He doesn’t see the hand she waves in front of his face -- in his mind, he’s back at the Oscar afterparty, singing to Dom, and Dom’s on his knees begging him to come back. Except that Elijah keeps stepping into the background and ruining his memory.
*
Billy’s first lesson in gravity came when his nan bought him a red balloon from Sainsbury’s when he was six. He doesn’t remember the occasion. He does remember that she insisted on tying it around his wrist, and he said no because he wanted to hold it. He didn’t want it tied to him. The minute they left the high street through, he got distracted and let the balloon go. When his nan shook her head and made that ‘tsking’ sound, he held his breath until she agreed to buy him another one.
It was also Billy’s first experience with blackmail.
He wonders if he ever told Elijah this story.
*
Things don’t wrap up neatly in Billy’s world. There’s always someone getting hurt, or broken, or dumped on because they’re not quite the right person. Ali’s not going to want to talk to him for a very long time, and Billy knows there’s always someone left behind because they couldn’t finish the race. There’s always someone trying to catch their breath on the sidelines, while life goes on without them. Billy doesn’t even remember ever pulling over to the side, but he got the message from Elijah loud and clear: If you want him; come and claim him.
Or else.
*
The air is no better in Los Angeles than it is in Glasgow. It might even be worse, but that’s not really the point. That’s not why Billy flew all this way. The point is that even if Billy can’t breathe with Dom, he can’t breathe without him either.
The air around Ali always made Billy slightly dizzy as though he’d stood up too quickly or been in a smoky pub too long, and the air in the back of the car when Dom comes to collect him is cool and filtered from the California heat. The change in temperature from plane to terminal to baggage to car makes Billy’s skin prickle like a short nail scraping down the small of his back, and when Billy kisses Dom hello it’s almost like he’s trying to suck the pollution out of Dom’s lungs. It's like Dom is 100% air instead of 99% water, and Billy’s trying to inhale him as though he's purely oxygen and love and all the things that Billy needs to live.
It’s like Dom is everything Billy needs to breathe.
-end-
Notes:edigo, I tried. I really really tried, but my Billy muse was very, err, tetchy. See what happens when I have insomnia? At least the ending was happy!
Inspired by and title fromMax Miller's Britney Spears’ ‘(Hit Me) Baby One More Time. Beta and improv from serialkarma: balloon, powder, glass, ash, flare, moon
edigo’s skills. So when she began yammering about Billy singing Britney Spears, inevitably it made me think of said song, which you know, is really good when it’s sung by Scotsmen. Don’t believe me? Travis covered it, too, on Mark and Lard back in the day. But I digress. I told her she could buy my services in exchange for her services, et voila. I tried to make it happy. I said I tried. *squints. tilts head 45 degrees. squints more.*
LOTRips
BB/DM, etc.
The Reason I Breathe is You
When there’s something you want, it seems like it’s everywhere, and Dominic is fucking everywhere in Billy‘s life. Dom’s like air –- unable to be contained no matter how hard Billy tries.
Dom’s face pops up in interviews and newspapers and press clippings. He’s on the telly and in the photo albums from Boots that Billy keeps in the shoeboxes in his closet. Dom’s fucking trainers are still under Billy’s wardrobe, and this was not part of the agreement Billy made with himself. All this Dom-inspired-madness was supposed to stop when Dom went off to the bloody States. All this whatever-ness was supposed to stop with Elijah and Ali and the festivals and the movies and 7000 miles between them, but some things just can’t be stopped.
It might be easier if Billy stopped trying to breathe.
When Billy sings his lungs inflate like balloons, and his mind clears of the omnipresent fog. Words fall from his lips like water pouring from a tap, and he feels free. Expectations, disappointments, relationships and child actors who never met a pretty face they didn’t like, are all washed from his mind. Billy’s singing is about lyrics and sentiment and feeling whatever emotion he’s trying to convey. Billy can take the tritest, most pop-ridden song and find beauty in lyrics that have been covered up and hidden underneath over-produced rhythms. He once sang Britney Spears to Dominic to prove this point; now he sings the same song because it has actual meaning.
Not all popular songs are rubbish.
Billy is a smart man. He’s not always sure that’s the same as being a happy man, but he’s certainly smart. He tries to do the right thing and live a good, honourable life. He’s not quite as earthy as Viggo or as earnest as Ian, but he does what he can. He tries to make the most of his talents, and he believes in tact and diplomacy and being grateful for the things you’re given in life.
He tries not to dwell on the things he doesn’t have, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Sometimes the things you let go come back to haunt you. Like Dominic. Billy let Dom go because he thought it was for the best, because Dom always made Billy feel as though he suffered from asthma, lungs constricting, chest tight, and Billy knows his lungs are just fine. And if nothing else, Billy wanted Dom to be happy, and he thought Elijah could do that for him. He thought Elijah would be better for Dom than he was, but his vanity has always told him he’s wrong, and Billy’s not a saint or a martyr. He gets angry and hurt just like everyone else, especially when things don’t work out the way Billy thought they would.
His breathing seems to be getting worse, instead of better, all the time.
The most believable lies have a degree of truth to them, and when Billy says he loves Ali, it’s not a deception. He loves the way she smells like Fa bath wash and musk oil from the Body Shop. He loves her smile and her hair and how the lilt of her voice first thing in the morning is by turns raspy and dark. Billy loves everything about Ali that’s not like Dom -- but loving fractions isn’t quite the same as loving the whole, and Billy was quite good at maths at school. He knows you can’t get a whole out of bits you select from the pile. Billy knows you breathe better with full lungs than you do when one’s collapsed. He also knows that it’s better to have something than nothing at all.
Billy knew he was going to grow apart from Dominic eventually. That’s why he didn’t move to California when Dom asked. It would’ve been a silly attempt to prevent the inevitable, and Billy knows better than that. But some nights, when he can’t see the moon from his bedroom window and the duvet is smothering him more than usual, he tries to do the yoga exercises that Dom insisted on teaching him. His breath comes in laborious bursts, and he can feel little flares in his joints.
On the night that Dom rings to say Elijah’s left for New York, Billy finds himself stuck in the lotus for twenty minutes trying to remember when breathing was a natural thing. When Ali gets up to use the loo, she finds him ashen faced and blankly staring at nothing at all. It’s almost like he’s blacked out from oxygen-deprivation whilst sitting up.
Billy knows that if you listen long enough people will say something intelligent. Which also means the inverse is true -- if you listen long enough even the smartest person will say something stupid. In the same phone call that Elijah insinuates that Dom’s never stopped loving Billy, he also announces that he’s moving back to Los Angeles, because it’s unreasonable to have a flat in a city he’s never in. Billy’s not sure why he stops breathing, but something’s not right in Elijah’s rationalisation. And when Ali comes over she finds him sitting on the sofa, singing U2 songs to himself for no reason at all. He doesn’t see the hand she waves in front of his face -- in his mind, he’s back at the Oscar afterparty, singing to Dom, and Dom’s on his knees begging him to come back. Except that Elijah keeps stepping into the background and ruining his memory.
Billy’s first lesson in gravity came when his nan bought him a red balloon from Sainsbury’s when he was six. He doesn’t remember the occasion. He does remember that she insisted on tying it around his wrist, and he said no because he wanted to hold it. He didn’t want it tied to him. The minute they left the high street through, he got distracted and let the balloon go. When his nan shook her head and made that ‘tsking’ sound, he held his breath until she agreed to buy him another one.
It was also Billy’s first experience with blackmail.
He wonders if he ever told Elijah this story.
Things don’t wrap up neatly in Billy’s world. There’s always someone getting hurt, or broken, or dumped on because they’re not quite the right person. Ali’s not going to want to talk to him for a very long time, and Billy knows there’s always someone left behind because they couldn’t finish the race. There’s always someone trying to catch their breath on the sidelines, while life goes on without them. Billy doesn’t even remember ever pulling over to the side, but he got the message from Elijah loud and clear: If you want him; come and claim him.
Or else.
The air is no better in Los Angeles than it is in Glasgow. It might even be worse, but that’s not really the point. That’s not why Billy flew all this way. The point is that even if Billy can’t breathe with Dom, he can’t breathe without him either.
The air around Ali always made Billy slightly dizzy as though he’d stood up too quickly or been in a smoky pub too long, and the air in the back of the car when Dom comes to collect him is cool and filtered from the California heat. The change in temperature from plane to terminal to baggage to car makes Billy’s skin prickle like a short nail scraping down the small of his back, and when Billy kisses Dom hello it’s almost like he’s trying to suck the pollution out of Dom’s lungs. It's like Dom is 100% air instead of 99% water, and Billy’s trying to inhale him as though he's purely oxygen and love and all the things that Billy needs to live.
It’s like Dom is everything Billy needs to breathe.
-end-
Notes:
edigo, I tried. I really really tried, but my Billy muse was very, err, tetchy. See what happens when I have insomnia? At least the ending was happy! Inspired by and title from
serialkarma: balloon, powder, glass, ash, flare, moon
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-09 02:46 pm (UTC)