hackthis_archive | LOTRips - The Greatest Band that Never Was

At three-eighteen this morning I told myself I would write happy LOTRips today. Apparently, I’m really irrational and stupid at three-eighteen. Of course when I sat down and opened up Word I was at a complete loss, and when I consulted ~~my guru~~

serialkarma she offered me Junior Senior and Wombat to work with. Strangely enough, it kind of worked...

LOTRips
EW, BB, DM & SA in...
The Greatest Band that Never Was

If Elijah were a rock star, he likes to think he’d be a lot like Ozzy -- when Ozzy was more like Ozzy at any rate. Not that Ozzy’s not great now, or anything, but when he was at the height of being Ozzy fucking Osbourne, he was getting banned from everywhere and biting the heads off bats, and everybody thought he was fucking crazy.

Elijah knows the bat thing was really just an accident and that Ozzy’s actually a really nice, if not seriously drug-addled, old man, but people don’t think about that when they think of Ozzy. They think of Ozzy Osbourne ‘Prince of Darkness and Biting the Heads Off Bats.’ And to Elijah, that is really cool. At 23, everything is about being cool and nothing is about consequences, and being a rock star is pretty fucking cool.

Rock stars are about tossing TV sets out hotel windows and banging groupies and living on smelly tour buses, which always smell of dirty socks and somebody taking an illicit dump instead of waiting for the rest stop. And if Elijah were a rock star, he would bring along a Port-a-Potty, just so people could take dumps outside the tour bus.

If Elijah were a rock star, he would fuck whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted and he probably could, too, because then everyone wouldn’t keep calling him ‘that adorable little hobbit with the big blue eyes.’ God, Elijah would shave all his hair into a mohawk, again, and put in brown contacts if it would make people stop calling him that. Being 'that hobbit' is making him crazy. But if he were a rocker, it wouldn’t matter.

Rock stars are almost immune from everything; and Elijah would go for days without showering and not care, and because he’d always be around people just like him they’d probably a bit smelly too.

Elijah’s life would be carried around in garbage bags as he moved from buses to hotels to studios and then back again. He would sign tee shirts and breasts and hairy asses and smile every day. Elijah would be the best rock star ever, and that’s why it’s so important that he get his record label off the ground. He needs a new dream; he’s tired of the old one. It’s worn thin.

*

If Elijah were in a band, he likes to think he’d be in Radiohead. But probably not.

There can be only one Radiohead, and Elijah’s not sure he’s got enough angst and dysfunctional baggage built up to compare with Thom Yorke. Of course as a child actor, he’s pretty sure he could just make up stories from the ones he’s heard, like Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, which would be really fucking funny when he thinks about it. And if it gets right down to it, he could always lie. Lies never run out.

Still, there can only be one Radiohead, and Elijah wasn’t born in the right country and ten years too late, too. Elijah’s style really isn’t that much like the guys in Radiohead. Sure he’s got the sneakers and the tee shirts, but the blazers don’t really match up and the stripes are a bit suspect. Plus, Thom Yorke doesn’t smoke, and maybe, Elijah really doesn’t want to be in Radiohead. Maybe what he wants is a band all his own, one with Dom and Billy and Astin. Viggo could be their producer, like Pandemoniumfromamerica, too.

Yeah, that’s more like it.

If Elijah were in a band, it would be a lot more like that. His band would play all the cool small clubs like CBGB and the Viper Room, and David Bowie would come to their shows. They’d record at night and sleep all day. Dom could play the drums, like Keith Moon, and Billy would play the bass, because bassists are always cool and removed. Sean would play the second guitar, because he doesn’t have to be in the spotlight all the time, unlike Elijah. And Elijah -- Elijah would have to play lead guitar, because even when Elijah doesn’t really want the attention, he still wants to be in front.

Except maybe he doesn’t want to be that in front, because the music industry is a whole different kind of crazy.

*

If Elijah could actually carry a tune he might be a singer-songwriter like Conor Oberst or the guy from Aqualung or Elliott Smith. He might play the piano like Ed Harcourt or Rufus Wainwright. Of course if he were trying to do the solo thing he would have to have a lot more musical talent than he does, because Elijah is very good at picking out music, but he’s not so good at creating it himself. Even Dom can DJ, but Elijah just changes his CDs a lot. And when he thinks about it, he’d rather not be like Elliott, because Elijah tends to get a little introspective and depressed now and then, and he’d rather not end up having some sort of accident.

But if Elijah were a solo artist then Astin could be his manager, and maybe Dom could be his writing partner. They could be Lennon and McCartney, only without all the girls messing up stuff. Or maybe Dom would be his muse, because all the great singer-songwriters have someone they sing about. And Billy – Billy would be Elijah’s vocal coach, because Elijah’s not the one with the voice.

*

If Elijah were someone else he might have a different voice. Or he might have the one he has now. He might still sing off-key and loudly when he’s drunk, or he might still wind up singing softly to himself in a dimly lit bathroom at the TORN party after the Oscars.

If Elijah were someone else, he might have looked over his shoulder while washing his hands and noticed Billy hovering in the doorway, listening to his inability to carry a tune. At the very least he should’ve noticed the noise from the party seeping in.

There’s no reason for Elijah’s shoulders to tighten the way they do when Billy lets the door swing closed as he steps inside. The party noise is muted by the solidness of the door, and their eyes meet in the mirror over the sink as Elijah blindly gropes for paper towels. Shouldn’t a place like this have a valet in the bathroom?

“What’re you singing?” Billy’s voice is low and soft, but it echoes off the walls as though they’re in a stadium, and it’s amazing how powerful his singing is considering how small he is. Not that Elijah’s really one to talk about size.

“Nothing important,” Elijah says, wiping his hands off as he turns around. The edge of the sink digs into his lower spine as he balls up the paper towel and looks for the garbage can.

Billy’s mouth opens and closes and there are a million things that Elijah’s always expecting to come out, but none of them ever do. They never seem to talk about Ali or Hannah or Dom’s bruises or the apartment he quit to start a fucking record label. They used to talk about everything; now, they don’t seem to talk about anything. It’s kind of sad.

“You were really good out there,” Elijah says eventually to cover the silence. “If I had a band, I’d want you in it.”

Billy’s laughter sends a shiver down Elijah’s spine. “You starting a band now then?”

“No, but if I was…”

“What makes you think I’d be in any band with you?” Billy’s delivery is flat and even, and Elijah can’t tell if he’s being serious or sarcastic or playful. He can’t tell if Billy’s angry or what. It really could be anything now.

Elijah’s hackles go up immediately. “I was just saying,” he begins as Billy crosses the room with sure strides.

Elijah’s voice dies off as Billy corners him against the sink, and there’s absolutely no reason for Elijah to be afraid of Billy -- except that Billy has every reason to be angry with him. Elijah said he would leave Dom alone. He said he was going to stay away, but he’s there. Here. And Elijah can feel his vertebrae shifting as he tries to push back further into the edge of the sink.

Billy’s breath ghosts across Elijah’s nose like the draft in an empty arena, and Elijah’s entire body winds up like a new string on a guitar. Billy’s body isn’t actually touching him, but Elijah feels very hot and crowded in. It’s like he’s at a concert and getting intimate with people he’ll never see again.

Billy’s got presence.

He’s the sort of guy people would pay to see. Elijah never quite got that before.

“What would you want me as?” Billy asks.

Elijah just blinks. He’s an actor, not a rock star. “Whatever you want to be,” he says eventually.

Billy’s raised eyebrow speaks volumes. It could record an entire EP, and Elijah knows he’s always had Billy on the periphery of his dreams, but maybe, maybe he should bring him a bit closer. If Elijah really wants to be a rock star, maybe Billy’s as close as he’ll ever get. Maybe Dom was onto something here.

Billy’s smile is sharp, and his eyes are too bright for the poor lighting in the bathroom. Elijah’s nerves feel like someone just plugged him into an amp and loaded his head with feedback.

“I wouldn’t come cheap,” Billy says eventually.

Elijah can only nod.

If he's learned nothing else about the industry, he's learned that it requires sacrifices. All dreams do. Everyone knows that.

“But you would consider it?” he asks. His voice is hoarse like he’s been screaming at a gig all night long. He bets Billy could make him scream a lot –- but this isn’t about them at all. Is it?

“I’ll consider anything,” Bill says. “Make me an offer. See what happens.”

Elijah knows the answer before he asks, but he does anyway. “What’ll it cost me?”

Billy never hesitates. “Dom.”

Elijah’s brain shorts out like an amplifier that’s been pushed too hard, and he wonders how this great band of his ended before it even got built.

When he doesn’t say anything in response, Billy steps back and turns away. His hand is on the door before Elijah’s voice comes back.

“Do you think the Beatles had problems like this?” Elijah asks, waving his hands around as though trying to connect the dots.

“Sure they did,” Billy says, opening the door to leave. “Why do you think Paul and John broke up after Yoko came along?”

-end-

Notes: Inspired and culled from this article, which I’ve actually not read. The tagline was enough for me.

Thanks to the amazing

serialkarma for beta and inspiration and working with my stupid hotmail issues. Also, for

lalejandra. Record companies? Ha, it is to laugh.