LOTRips – The Third Man: II: Elijah
Mar. 18th, 2004 09:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveLOTRips
BB/DM/EW
The Third Man: I : Billy
The Third Man: II : Elijah
When everybody’s loves you, well, that’s just about as fucked up as you can be *
If you break everything down until there’s nothing left but the bare, naked, raw facts, then yes, it‘s true: Elijah broke up Dom and Billy’s relationship. However, it’s not like he hasn’t paid for it over and over again with the dirty looks and the whispers and the press camping out on his front doorstep just because maybe he might be involved with his ex-co-star.
It’s not as though Elijah gang-pressed Dom into leaving Billy, he just made some overt suggestions, and maybe things weren’t quite as good as they seemed in the first place if Dom was so willing to leave. The fact of the matter remains, however, that Billy was there first. Perhaps Elijah just wanted Dom more. Or maybe he was just more vocal about it in the end. Insinuation can only get you so far with Dom, and at 20, Elijah didn’t think twice about taking off with someone else’s lover.
At 23, he likes to think he would think again.
There’s a burning sense of shame in his gut when he thinks about his actions, now, so he makes a point of not thinking about them too often if he can.
His doctor says he’s this close having an ulcer if he doesn’t mend his ways, and outside the doctor’s office, Elijah lights a clove and looks around for the nearest Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. He could really use the caffeine.
*
Elijah’s first days in New Zealand seem like a lifetime ago, now. He only vaguely recollects the homesickness and the four-hour conversations with Hannah about all the stupid, tiny things he was missing back in L.A. What he does remember is that somehow PJ found him the best set of mates that anybody could hope for: bouncy, energetic Dominic; vibrant and laidback Billy; and thoughtful and conscientious Astin. Once they all connected, Elijah’s long phone calls home stopped, and for a good many months just having friends was enough. But every night Astin went home to Christine, and one night, after an evening at the pub, Billy started going home with Dom, and Elijah was left to walk himself home because he had no one. That sucked.
It was like being homesick all over again, except it wasn’t a home he wanted, and Elijah was never good at dealing with want. At least Astin smiled at him when he deflected Elijah’s too long hugs and too hungry glances. With Viggo there was just a shake of his head before Orlando barreled in out of nowhere and laid claim to what was his. That left Elijah with very few options, and he had needs. And Dom was just so bright and shiny and energetic -- he made Elijah feel alive and desired, and Elijah’s always needed that.
He never meant to hurt Billy, he just wanted so fucking badly he couldn’t see anything else at the time.
*
The word he’s thinking of is ‘covetous.’ It’s mentioned once or twice in the Ten Commandments from what he recalls from Charlton Heston‘s performance and a million years of Sunday School. Elijah is very well aware of what the word signifies in relation to him and his life. He’s always wanted what other people have. A normal, nuclear childhood. A few more inches on his frame. That one vinyl import that nobody makes anymore because it costs six arms and legs.
Yes, Elijah is very good with want. After all, he’s always needed more than what he’s had –- he suspects a therapist would blame his dearly-and-deeply-commitment-phobic father. Elijah would tell said therapist to fuck off –- and then he would beckon them a little bit closer because he needs the attention, and even being analyzed could feed his need for a while.
Elijah’s never been able to do things in half-measures. A little fame wasn’t enough; he needed more. A few friends weren’t enough; he needed to be loved by everyone. It wasn’t enough that he was Dom’s friend; he had to be his lover, too.
Elijah is very aware of the fact that he’s grabby and needy and covetous. He thinks its part of human nature to want; it’s called ambition. And yet, Elijah’s starting to wonder about the costs of everything he’s done, and he feels like maybe he doesn’t have enough money saved up. When he looks at the sum of his apartments and imaginary record companies and ex-boyfriends who he abandoned because he got tired or bored or whatever, Elijah thinks that maybe he’s got a lot to answer for.
Being young isn’t really a good excuse anymore, except he can’t think of any other rationalization for his actions. Honesty is a prickly ball to hold onto, and it’s easier for him to admit that maybe he made an error in judgment than it is for him to admit he’s a selfish little shit.
*
Even when you have what you want it’s still not what you need, and it took three long weeks for Dom to stop calling Billy’s name in his sleep. In the beginning, Elijah spent all his time trying to erase the tiny Scotsman lying between he and Dom. He was a tape loop reminding Dom that he wasn’t Billy, but by the time they wrapped up filming, Dom was so attuned to Elijah that it seemed a shame to let it all go to waste. So Dom came to Los Angeles with Elijah, but Elijah didn’t really think about what that might mean in Dom’s head. And when everything came out at three o’clock on a Tuesday morning, Elijah pretty much freaked out. He was too young to be tied down. He wasn’t anybody’s Prince Charming, he was just a twenty-something kid.
It was only once he got to New York, and holed himself up in an apartment with a double bed and no chairs, that he started to think about what he’d done. And then that was all he could do: think and think and regret, and when Billy came to visit it was a chance to atone for all his sins. Except that every time Elijah got a little too close to Billy or his words began to get too intimate, he could feel the hairs on his arms rise up as though Dom were breathing down his neck.
*
He went to Manhattan because he thought he wanted to be alone, but it was hard to walk around all the time and find out that being ignored is not the same as just having some time off. Plus, he got tired of making all these half-assed movies just so he wouldn’t be Frodo for the rest of his life, because all they’re doing is making him look erratic and stupid. It doesn’t help that he’s beginning to see that he loves Dom, but he’s not sure he’s ever been in love with Dom at all. All he seems to be doing is dragging him along.
It’s hard for Elijah to admit it to anyone else, but maybe he really has no idea what he wants. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to end up as Mr Nobody And All Alone. For the first time in his life he’s starting to understand that what he wants and what he needs are not necessarily the same thing at all.
Hannah, his mom, the familiarity of the guesthouse -- these are things that anchor him. These are things that define him; they are what he needs. Otherwise he doesn’t really have anything, and this is why he comes home to L.A. Not for Dom or his career or the record company that probably will never happen, but because he misses having a place he belongs.
*
The world does not revolve around Elijah –- sometimes he just likes to think it does, but he’s not really a bad kid. He's actually a good guy. He smokes too much and drinks too much and tells too many lies, but he loves his friends and his sister and his mother. He's pretty happy with his lot in life even though there are things that he needs to work through. He does not need a father figure. He does not need someone psychoanalyzing him and finding him lacking. He’s trying to work past the belief that if he doesn't have to wreck it, then it's not worth it, and when people say that’s because he’s young and doesn’t know any better, he knows it’s all bullshit.
The thing about running away to New York was that, like most things, it was only a temporary solution for a much larger problem. Nobody is happy all the time, least of all people who actually look happy all the time, and Elijah has all these holes inside him that he just can’t fix. One part of him thinks he’s should stop sabotaging himself and start studying the problem instead, but the another part knows that he’s not quite ready to admit all the horrible things he’s done to other people. That part suggests that he make things right so that he can pretend nothing bad ever happened in the first place.
*
The Oscars are all glitter and glamour and more hype than good sense, but if Elijah had wanted common sense he would’ve moved back to the Mid-West. The flash of cameras and the buzzing in the air is what he came back for, because this is the life he knows.
He thinks it’s important for him to surround himself with the familiar, except he doesn’t know about the origins of the bruises on Dom’s wrists or why Billy’s so angry that he can’t be near Dom without taking a deep breath. He intercepts more than one nervous look that Astin shoots between Billy and Dom, and he can feel the static in the air when they’re all together. It’s vaguely nauseating, but not in a bad way, because Elijah’s been here before. He’s seen Billy and Dom act like this when they had no idea what they wanted from each other; and when a small voice suggests that maybe Elijah should start fixing the things he’s messed up, he remembers that a large part of friendship is just wanting those you love to be happy.
-end-
Notes: Quote from ‘Mr Jones’ by the Counting Crows, performed live.
Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
serialkarma and lalejandra for beta duty.
BB/DM/EW
The Third Man: I : Billy
The Third Man: II : Elijah
If you break everything down until there’s nothing left but the bare, naked, raw facts, then yes, it‘s true: Elijah broke up Dom and Billy’s relationship. However, it’s not like he hasn’t paid for it over and over again with the dirty looks and the whispers and the press camping out on his front doorstep just because maybe he might be involved with his ex-co-star.
It’s not as though Elijah gang-pressed Dom into leaving Billy, he just made some overt suggestions, and maybe things weren’t quite as good as they seemed in the first place if Dom was so willing to leave. The fact of the matter remains, however, that Billy was there first. Perhaps Elijah just wanted Dom more. Or maybe he was just more vocal about it in the end. Insinuation can only get you so far with Dom, and at 20, Elijah didn’t think twice about taking off with someone else’s lover.
At 23, he likes to think he would think again.
There’s a burning sense of shame in his gut when he thinks about his actions, now, so he makes a point of not thinking about them too often if he can.
His doctor says he’s this close having an ulcer if he doesn’t mend his ways, and outside the doctor’s office, Elijah lights a clove and looks around for the nearest Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. He could really use the caffeine.
Elijah’s first days in New Zealand seem like a lifetime ago, now. He only vaguely recollects the homesickness and the four-hour conversations with Hannah about all the stupid, tiny things he was missing back in L.A. What he does remember is that somehow PJ found him the best set of mates that anybody could hope for: bouncy, energetic Dominic; vibrant and laidback Billy; and thoughtful and conscientious Astin. Once they all connected, Elijah’s long phone calls home stopped, and for a good many months just having friends was enough. But every night Astin went home to Christine, and one night, after an evening at the pub, Billy started going home with Dom, and Elijah was left to walk himself home because he had no one. That sucked.
It was like being homesick all over again, except it wasn’t a home he wanted, and Elijah was never good at dealing with want. At least Astin smiled at him when he deflected Elijah’s too long hugs and too hungry glances. With Viggo there was just a shake of his head before Orlando barreled in out of nowhere and laid claim to what was his. That left Elijah with very few options, and he had needs. And Dom was just so bright and shiny and energetic -- he made Elijah feel alive and desired, and Elijah’s always needed that.
He never meant to hurt Billy, he just wanted so fucking badly he couldn’t see anything else at the time.
The word he’s thinking of is ‘covetous.’ It’s mentioned once or twice in the Ten Commandments from what he recalls from Charlton Heston‘s performance and a million years of Sunday School. Elijah is very well aware of what the word signifies in relation to him and his life. He’s always wanted what other people have. A normal, nuclear childhood. A few more inches on his frame. That one vinyl import that nobody makes anymore because it costs six arms and legs.
Yes, Elijah is very good with want. After all, he’s always needed more than what he’s had –- he suspects a therapist would blame his dearly-and-deeply-commitment-phobic father. Elijah would tell said therapist to fuck off –- and then he would beckon them a little bit closer because he needs the attention, and even being analyzed could feed his need for a while.
Elijah’s never been able to do things in half-measures. A little fame wasn’t enough; he needed more. A few friends weren’t enough; he needed to be loved by everyone. It wasn’t enough that he was Dom’s friend; he had to be his lover, too.
Elijah is very aware of the fact that he’s grabby and needy and covetous. He thinks its part of human nature to want; it’s called ambition. And yet, Elijah’s starting to wonder about the costs of everything he’s done, and he feels like maybe he doesn’t have enough money saved up. When he looks at the sum of his apartments and imaginary record companies and ex-boyfriends who he abandoned because he got tired or bored or whatever, Elijah thinks that maybe he’s got a lot to answer for.
Being young isn’t really a good excuse anymore, except he can’t think of any other rationalization for his actions. Honesty is a prickly ball to hold onto, and it’s easier for him to admit that maybe he made an error in judgment than it is for him to admit he’s a selfish little shit.
Even when you have what you want it’s still not what you need, and it took three long weeks for Dom to stop calling Billy’s name in his sleep. In the beginning, Elijah spent all his time trying to erase the tiny Scotsman lying between he and Dom. He was a tape loop reminding Dom that he wasn’t Billy, but by the time they wrapped up filming, Dom was so attuned to Elijah that it seemed a shame to let it all go to waste. So Dom came to Los Angeles with Elijah, but Elijah didn’t really think about what that might mean in Dom’s head. And when everything came out at three o’clock on a Tuesday morning, Elijah pretty much freaked out. He was too young to be tied down. He wasn’t anybody’s Prince Charming, he was just a twenty-something kid.
It was only once he got to New York, and holed himself up in an apartment with a double bed and no chairs, that he started to think about what he’d done. And then that was all he could do: think and think and regret, and when Billy came to visit it was a chance to atone for all his sins. Except that every time Elijah got a little too close to Billy or his words began to get too intimate, he could feel the hairs on his arms rise up as though Dom were breathing down his neck.
He went to Manhattan because he thought he wanted to be alone, but it was hard to walk around all the time and find out that being ignored is not the same as just having some time off. Plus, he got tired of making all these half-assed movies just so he wouldn’t be Frodo for the rest of his life, because all they’re doing is making him look erratic and stupid. It doesn’t help that he’s beginning to see that he loves Dom, but he’s not sure he’s ever been in love with Dom at all. All he seems to be doing is dragging him along.
It’s hard for Elijah to admit it to anyone else, but maybe he really has no idea what he wants. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to end up as Mr Nobody And All Alone. For the first time in his life he’s starting to understand that what he wants and what he needs are not necessarily the same thing at all.
Hannah, his mom, the familiarity of the guesthouse -- these are things that anchor him. These are things that define him; they are what he needs. Otherwise he doesn’t really have anything, and this is why he comes home to L.A. Not for Dom or his career or the record company that probably will never happen, but because he misses having a place he belongs.
The world does not revolve around Elijah –- sometimes he just likes to think it does, but he’s not really a bad kid. He's actually a good guy. He smokes too much and drinks too much and tells too many lies, but he loves his friends and his sister and his mother. He's pretty happy with his lot in life even though there are things that he needs to work through. He does not need a father figure. He does not need someone psychoanalyzing him and finding him lacking. He’s trying to work past the belief that if he doesn't have to wreck it, then it's not worth it, and when people say that’s because he’s young and doesn’t know any better, he knows it’s all bullshit.
The thing about running away to New York was that, like most things, it was only a temporary solution for a much larger problem. Nobody is happy all the time, least of all people who actually look happy all the time, and Elijah has all these holes inside him that he just can’t fix. One part of him thinks he’s should stop sabotaging himself and start studying the problem instead, but the another part knows that he’s not quite ready to admit all the horrible things he’s done to other people. That part suggests that he make things right so that he can pretend nothing bad ever happened in the first place.
The Oscars are all glitter and glamour and more hype than good sense, but if Elijah had wanted common sense he would’ve moved back to the Mid-West. The flash of cameras and the buzzing in the air is what he came back for, because this is the life he knows.
He thinks it’s important for him to surround himself with the familiar, except he doesn’t know about the origins of the bruises on Dom’s wrists or why Billy’s so angry that he can’t be near Dom without taking a deep breath. He intercepts more than one nervous look that Astin shoots between Billy and Dom, and he can feel the static in the air when they’re all together. It’s vaguely nauseating, but not in a bad way, because Elijah’s been here before. He’s seen Billy and Dom act like this when they had no idea what they wanted from each other; and when a small voice suggests that maybe Elijah should start fixing the things he’s messed up, he remembers that a large part of friendship is just wanting those you love to be happy.
-end-
Notes: Quote from ‘Mr Jones’ by the Counting Crows, performed live.
Thanks to
serialkarma and lalejandra for beta duty.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 09:14 am (UTC)Nobody is happy all the time, least of all people who actually look happy all the time, and Elijah has all these holes inside him that he just can't fix.
You write beautifully, spare but without any missing parts. I love pieces like this that are more narrative in nature--less dialog and more characterization.
And I close this sub-par feedback with a most ineloquent "great stuff"!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 09:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 10:49 am (UTC)Anyway, in case you haven't figured it out, yet, I am adoring the Third Man series. :) It isn't every day you find a series of fics that break you in two and somewhere manage to leave you wanting more. ;) I've gone through just about every emotion imaginable while reading these, and I just know that Dom's story is going to finish me off. Mainly, I'm just hurt and furious for Billy's sake, and I REALLY want Dom to suffer over the choice he made. And frankly, I was hoping for a bit more suffering for our dear little Elijah in this one. But that would be petty, and if Billy can keep from being vindictive, then I suppose that I can, too. ;) But I still REALLY want Dom to hurt for this. What Elijah said was true. He didn't truly *force* Dom to do anything that he didn't want to. *Thinks evil thoughts* I hope that he suffers over the fact that Billy has Alli now.
Although, I'm a little confused about whether this Oscar-bit at the end here takes place before or after the ending to Billy's POV. I'm sure it's just a matter of re-reading them both (which I will!) to understand clearly, but the lazy part of me just wants to ask you. ;) Because at the end of Billy's POV, he was at least talking to Dom on the phone in a cordial manner, so why would he do a turn-around at the Oscars? Poor Billy. *Sad face* He shouldn't have had to be at the Oscars with them, anyway.
Okay, to conclude this monster of a review, I'm simply going to beg you to update soon. Like, as in *now*. Pretty please? :) With Billy and sugar on top?
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 03:52 pm (UTC)They all tend to overlap and intercross in places since they're all tied together and the last piece will be out tomorrow morning. Thanks for reading!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 10:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 03:43 pm (UTC)Of course not, no.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 11:10 am (UTC)*squirm*
oh, the ouch!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 02:52 pm (UTC)anyway, i liked this alot. i liked how you portrayed elijah, and he seemed so lonely that i didn't want to throttle him anymore.
i can't wait for part III. good job!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 03:45 pm (UTC)That's not evil at all. I think a little penance can go a long way. I'm pleased you're still reading, thanks!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 02:54 am (UTC)eek! how do you manage to get inside my head and steal an exact image I had for a story a month ago?! :D er..except in my head it was trying to erase the tiny Elijah lying between Billy and Dom. but you wrote it so much better than I ever could. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 10:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-21 09:45 am (UTC)::stares at fic::
Yeah.
This was ... yeah. Exactly, utterly, totally right. It just felt right.
Beautifully written as usual, and yes yes yes.
Just yes. :)
(and now I must use my counting crows/elijah icon)