hackthis_archive | HP – R/S

I doesn’t get much happier than this. Or sillier, come to think of it. And yet, very accurate.

Written for the darling

nifra_idril and the website that

lyra_sena built for her, I present:

Harry Potter
Remus/Sirius in...
Evasion

There are some things it's impossible to work around in this life, like using the toilet. When you've got to go, you've got to go, and no amount of twisting or wishing or leg crossing is ever going to change that. The same can be said for escaping from the bed the morning after the night before. If there's been a night before where you've been in the butterbeer and Fizzing Whizbees and Firewhiskey, then it's pretty much inevitable that there will be a morning after where you wake up in your best mate's bed, with said best mate wrapped around you like a favourite pet. Not that Remus has ever seen Sirius with a favoured pet, but everyone has one, even people like Sirius.

Also in keeping with this morning aftershock, wherein you, you in the specific meaning Remus, find yourself in bed with your best mate, eventually one of you or both of you are going to have to get out of the bed and face the entirely-too-bright morning. Eventually you are going to have to untangle yourself from the grindylow-like grip of the bedclothes and deal with that enormous crick in your neck that'll leave you wishing you had a nice case of whipflash instead. Not that Remus has ever had whipflash, but he's seen Muggles with those braces around their necks, and he suspects the whole 'flash' of pain thing must be quite like the pain in his neck right now.

Sleeping on Sirius's arm is really not as comfortable as all the books and films make it out to be, and Remus would really like to get up and use the loo, except Sirius' arm around his stomach is preventing him from moving. Plus, Sirius' breath is really damp on the back of Remus' neck, and not that that has anything to do with Remus using the loo, but he's a boy and his thought processes aren't always linear, despite whatever Lily or James may think.

Then there's the issue of getting Sirius to actually let him up. Not to mention the slipping from Sirius' bed, past James and Peter's beds to his own bed, and - and he was having a thought. He knows he was having a thought that had nothing to do with the hand slipping under his shirt and stroking his stomach.

No, that erection is not for Sirius. Clearly it's way past time for Remus to be on his way. He's not trying to get away permanently; he just has immediate needs that have to be met.

"Where're you going?" Sirius's lips are dry and scratchy against the back of Remus' neck and they set every nerve in his body on edge. The pressure from Sirius' arm is not helping Remus' predicament.

"I'll be right back," he says, attempting to extricate himself with the minimum amount of fuss. Well, it would be the minimum if it were anyone else, but of course Sirius isn't just anyone. He'd be better able to breathe if he were entombed.

"Sirius, let go."

"Why?"

"Because I've got to go."

"What do you mean you've got to go, go where?" Remus had had a response all sorted out to this question. He expected this question from Sirius the morning after; he just didn't think it would wind up being in relation to his using the toilet. When he'd realised that things were bound to be strange and odd the morning after, this was not what he had in mind.

"I've just got to go," he says, attempting to disentangle himself from Sirius, who seems to be growing new limbs at an arming rate. They're rolling around in the bed like two dogs left home alone, and Remus does not need all this movement right now.

He falls out of the bed with a loud thump, and it's a wonder it doesn't wake the entire room, but James tends to sleep like the dead and no one ever hears anything over Peter's snoring.

Sirius' head pokes out between his bed curtains as Remus gets to his feet.

"Why do you have to go?" Sirius's voice is dangerous close to a whine, and if Remus weren't terribly preoccupied with other things he might laugh. Maybe later. "I thought - I thought this is what you wanted," Sirius says.

"What do you mean, you thought this is what I wanted? When did we talk about this and where was I?" Generally, when confusion sets in Remus' primal urges tend to take over; he reckons it's some sort of werewolf defense mechanism. Sirius is lucky Remus hasn't decided to carry on this conversation by latching onto the nape of his neck and shaking a modicum of sense into him. But then Remus would be shaking all day.

"Not that we talked about it as much," Sirius backtracks. "But I just - I thought this was what you wanted."

"I want to have a slash is what I want," Remus says in desperation. "I have to pee."

There's a long moment of silence, and Remus can hear Peter's snoring entirely too clearly. He can't understand why they haven't cast a silencing charm around his bed before. He can also hear his own stuttered breathing. He really has to go. He doesn't have time to deal with a petulant Sirius. Except that Sirius's expression isn't really that petulant. In fact he looks rather amused. "Why didn't you just say so?"

"What - I -- I did say so. You weren't listening."

"No, you said you had to go, you didn't say anything about needing to have a leak. Fit to burst are you?"

"Sirius!" Remus only remembers his sleeping friends after he's slapped a hand over his mouth and sent a truly shriveling glare at Sirius.

"Not thinking about rivers, are you? Lakes, waterfalls, big barrels of pumpkin juice and all that."

It's obvious that Sirius is enjoying himself too much. "I'm going to turn you into a toad," Remus says looking around for his wand.

The last thing he remembers about the night before is some sort of drinking contest and Sirius trying to make Fiona Applegate's Arithmancy text dance. He can't focus with Sirius scratching his head and looking endearing and mischievous, and they slept together last night. Didn't he have something he had to do?

"Before or after you go to the loo?" Sirius asks.

Right. "After," Remus says around an enormous yawn. It feels impossibly early, especially for a Sunday.

"Oh, right, well, you should get on with it then."

"I am - I will. I just, where'd you think I was going?"

"I thought you were, you know, leaving."

"Leaving to go where?" Remus knows he's being deliberately obtuse, but they're going to have to have this conversation eventually. Theoretically at any rate. One can never tell with Sirius.

"You know, just leaving, in the whole morning after, fucking hell what've I done, I've got to go thing. That thing." Sirius sounds nonchalant, but Remus knows better.

"Oh, that thing." The flash in Sirius' eyes says it all. There are all sorts of ways that Remus could respond. But it's a bit hard to think of them anymore when his body is about to rebel. "Right. Well, no, just going to go use the loo. Is that all right with you?"

"Well, if you must you must."

"I could always just mark your bed, it'd be a shorter trip," he offers.

Sirius's explosive laugh says it all. Clearly James and Peter really do sleep like the dead.

"Maybe another time then," Remus says backing away. He really does have to go, it's just a bit hard to leave with the smug look on Sirius' face and the way he's licking his lips, but none of it will matter if Remus winds up dropping dead of kidney overload.

"Maybe later," Sirius agrees clambering out of his bed as Remus' hand brushes against the door handle.

"Not if I die first from waiting too long."

"Then you should go - just don't forget to come back."

"I won't."

"And don't get lost."

"Look who's calling the kettle black."

"You can call me whatever when you come back," Sirius pauses. "You are coming back, right?"

"Where else would I go?"

"Don't you mean who else would have you?"

Remus' lips purse of their own accord. He just knows he looks like his mum right now, otherwise Sirius wouldn't seem so humble. "Right. Good. Go, can't have werewolves peeing on the floor."

"Sirius."

"Just saying."

"Feel free to shut up anytime."

"Then you should probably go."

"Could you two leave off?" James' sleep-slurred voice interrupts their banter.

"Some people are trying to sleep," Peter voice projects from his bed.

"If they were you woke them up with all your snoring," Sirius snipes.

"Enough!" Remus says, opening the door decisively. "When you've all quite finished."

"This from the man who has to desperately use the loo?" Sirius asks.

Remus' scowl says it all. "When there's an accident, everyone can blame you."

"They always do," Sirius says with a shrug.

"Well, if it looks like a niffler and sounds like one," Remus says before ducking out the door.

He misses whatever parting shot Sirius tosses out behind him, but he has every intention of coming back when he's taken care of the business at hand. He's not too sure how the rest of this day is going to turn out, but as far as morning afters go, this one hasn't turned out half bad. Maybe they can do it again, with less evasion the next time around.

-end-

Beta by

serialkarma

In other pimping news,

serialkarma has started a Five Blow Jobs that Never Happed to Draco Malfoy story. People, it's got, like, Draco/Ron -- in public school. Exactly.

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From:

boniblithe.livejournal.com

"Where else would I go?"

"Don't you mean who else would have you?"

Fabulous. I hope you will write this pairing again someday. You can even kill one of them if you like. Oh wait, JKR ALREADY DID. THAT BITCH.

From:

Educated Black Person, Esq., A.A., B.A., MBA, Ph.D., RN, NAACP, AAA

HP – R/S - Evasion

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