hackthis_archive | It’s an evol plot.

Okay, so my girl,

serialkarma, wrote this killer due South meta for Moutie on the Bounty vs. Mounty and Soul and my immediate thought was, you bring up all these issues, but give me no story? That's wrong, dude. So then I started drabbling in her LJ and, it got away from me. There's no nutritional value whatsoever, I wrote it in like 20 minutes, but I made myself laugh something fierce.

due South
That Really Butters My Muffin

"They're not here... Frase, they're not here!"

"What's not where, Ray?"

"Them -- the things. You know the whole reason we went to the store in the first place."

"We went to the store for several things, Ray: dish detergent, shampoo, toilet paper, lubrication… Which of these is missing?"

"...Dief. I bet Dief got them. DIEF!"

"Dief is deaf, Ray, in case you've forgotten."

"I haven't forgotten nothin', Frase. I know all about your dog."

"Half-wolf."

"Whatever. I knew he was suspect all along."

"I hardly think Dief is a malfeasant, Ray."

"I didn't say he was! I just said -- well, if he didn't take them, then where are they? What happened to them? Did they take a walk between here and the supermarket?"

"Ray, perhaps if you told me what was missing..."

"This is serious, Frase, you're not listenin' to me here -- my donuts are gone. Somebody stole'em."

"Ray, I hardly think that someone has made off with your donuts."

"Then what happened to'em, huh? What'd they do? Grow legs and go out dancing?"

"Perhaps -- perhaps you left them."

"I didn't leave'em nowhere! They were the first thing I put on the checky-outy-thing. I knew that kid with the hat on was suspicious. I bet you he took'em."

"What kid, Ray? The young man bagging the groceries? Ray, I hardly think --"

"I'm going back to the store and arresting him."

"For what, Ray?"

"For stealing my donuts."

"He did not steal your donuts, Ray."

"Oh yeah? Then what happened to'em?"

"I couldn't say for certain, but perhaps..."

"Perhaps, what? Frase, what happened to my donuts?"

"Well…"

"Fraser."

"Well, Ray, from a health standpoint --"

"Frase, if I want to talk about my health I'll go to a quack. What did you do with my donuts?"

"I told you before that I felt that that particular item was superfluous to our list."

"Superfluous. What's that? Is that like a superhero disease or something?"

"Extra, Ray. It means extra."

"Yeah, well, I've got extra stuff all right. I've got 20 rolls of toilet paper and no donuts. I need donuts, Frase. Me without donuts is like you without the hat; it's just no good."

"Ray, I fail to see how you can compare a donut to my Stetson."

"Because it's a comparison, see? I'm comparing things! I need my donuts; you need your hat."

"I hardly think you need your donuts as much as I -- Ray, give me my hat back."

"You said you don't need it."

"No, I said I you don't need your donuts."

"Well, you can be without your hat and see how I feel about being without my donuts. It'll be a wassitcalled, ''partner exercise."

"Ray."

"Frase."

"Give me my hat."

"As soon as you get me my donuts."

"No."

"Well, I guess were at pass-thru."

"Impasse."

"That's what I said."

"Of course, you did, Ray."

"Don't say it like that, Fraser."

"Say what like what, Ray?"

"'Of course you did, Ray.' Of course I did nothin'! See, this is why you and me have issues."

"Ray, how else would you like for me to phrase that sentence, and what exactly do you mean 'issues'?"

"I mean 'issues' Frase. Like communication issues. I wanted my donuts; you took'em off the convenience belt and didn't tell me. I would call that an issue; that's not buddies. I hate when you do that."

"Does that 'butter your muffin', Ray?"

"Does that -- where'd you hear that before?"

"You said it when we were in the submarine together -- when you said I didn't trust you."

"That's cos you didn't."

"But I do now."

"Yeah, but you didn't then, and that really buttered my muffin."

"I see. You're quite a fan of pastry aren't you?"

"Who? Oh, donuts, yeah."

"I'm sorry about the donuts, Ray."

"Yeah, well you should be. I really wanted'em."

"Perhaps I could make it up to you."

*pause*

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Wearing the hat, Frase?"

"If you like."

"Oh, yeah, I like. I like way better than donuts."

-end-