hackthis_archive | Now, with new and improved crack flavour! - Smallville/Alias/Spiderman/HP/JLA/DC Comics/Marvel x-ove

Sometimes I get that not-so-high feeling, and that's when I resort to the crack-fic. You don't have to have read Superheroes Local 101 to get this, but I'm sure it helps seeing as it’s the sequel. Yes,

fearlessdiva, you can hold yourself responsible; I do.

Smallville/Alias/Spiderman/HP/JLA/DC Comics/Marvel x-over (+Guest fandoms!)
Super-villains of the World Unite!

"A union," the clipped-accent repeated.

"Exactly."

"Not in the matrimonial sense, I should hope."

"No, in the Teamster sense."

"Ah."

"A unified front is exactly what we've needed all this time," Lex said. "It's because we're divided that they're able to work us to the point of exhaustion. We need to be organized. I think we could do great things here."

There were several seconds of silence as the two men in the room and the one on the phone contemplated what Lex had suggested.

"Not good, but great," Sark agreed.

"Better hours, less stress, more sex." The man on the phone repeated Lex's slogan. "It's a very catchy motto, Lex."

"Isn't it," said Sark. "Do you think we should have it translated into Latin?"

"Absolutely," Lex said sitting back in his chair and testing out the rocking ability of the springs.

The chair rocked back and forth easily, but there was no side-to-side motion. Lex frowned. As Clark had once said it was all about the motion of the ocean, and this ocean didn't seem to want to go anywhere. He looked up when Sark cleared his throat and raised a blonde eyebrow.

Lex smirked. He didn't generally fuck people who had once held him at gunpoint, but it was always touch-and-go when Julian Sark was around. The spiky hair, the leather, the expressive blue eyes, the sneer, the leather -- Sark always made it hard for Lex to remember that he was in a happy, monogamous relationship. Luckily Superman seemed to have a sixth-sense about these sorts of things and would inevitably show up and kidnap Lex for several hours to keep him focused. Clark called it "ferreting away", but Lex wasn't impressed by a bunch of journalistic word padding. He knew territorialism when he was being subjected to it, which was why he'd insisted they conduct their meeting in the bowels of the Lex Corp building in the lead-lined room that Lex had once promised held no kryptonite, particle accelerators or any other toys which Clark wouldn't approve of.

Clark hadn't said anything about people he didn't approve of, and only a foolish man would anger his alien lover.

Especially when said alien lover had the stamina of five men.

Lex leaned back in his chair and tested the rocking ability again. It wasn’t a bad chair for a super-villain to have. It had great back support.

"And you're certain that they won't see this as our being reactionary?" Harry Osborn's voice came down the line clearly, and Lex stopped rocking, choosing instead to lean forward to rest his elbows on his knees. On the leather sofa across from him, Sark rolled his eyes and got to his feet.

"Harry, we're super-villains, we are not reactionary. Superheroes are reactionary; villains are catalysts," Lex said, speaking decisively even as his eyes followed Sark's movements across the room and towards the liquor cabinet.

Julian had a nice ass, and Lex was involved -- not blind. “They’re nothing without us,” Lex insisted. “Have you ever heard of a hero who didn’t have a nemesis? We’re just as important as they are.”

Instead of selecting from Lex's fine assortment of brandies, Sark bypassed the alcohol and began preparing himself a cup of tea. “More so, in fact,” Sark chimed in.

"If you'd paid more attention in school instead of getting thrown out every five weeks," Lex began. His tone was one of chiding, but he couldn't keep the smirk off his face.

Harry dismissive noise was clear over the phone. "School was Peter's thing, not mine."

"Which, I suspect, is what drew you to Peter in the first place," Sark said.

"Something like that."

"You seek in others what you, yourself, lack."

Lex could practically hear Julian smirking.

"What?" Harry sounded a bit huffy, but Lex let it go. Everyone was going to have to learn to get along for this to work.

Sark's voice carried cleanly across the white-walled room as he completed his tea making and turned back towards Lex, cup and saucer in hand. "I suspect if it had been me, I would have gone for someone a bit more brooding, like Bruce."

It was Lex's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Bruce Wayne?"

"Do you know of another Bruce?"

Lex resolutely told himself it wasn't jealousy that was making him sit back and cross his legs. He fixed Sark with a level-gaze. "He's a bit dark for you, isn't he? All that rubber and stealth."

Sark took a sip of his tea before answering. "The Covenant knows how to appreciate stealth, and Bruce is a bit more morally-vague than most superheroes; I think that works highly in his favour."

Lex could feel the frown forming, but Harry's voice projected through the phone's speaker before Lex could think of a proper response. "I think I could see that; of course I’ve always seen you with some rich guy."

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Harry kept talking over Sark. "Someone more like Warren Worthington or that English boy, what was his name again? Potty? Someone with more money than sanity. Maybe Iron Man."

Lex coughed to cover up his snort.

Sark rolled his eyes again as he made his way back to the sofa. "Potter, Harry bloody Potter."

"Right, him."

"I'll thank you not to slander myself or my family by mentioning him to me again, Osborn."

"Somebody's a little touchy, huh?"

Lex reached out and pushed the phone to the corner of the table just as Sark began pouring his tea where it had been moments before. Frowning, Lex shook his head and looked pointedly from the puddle on his glass table to the empty cup now in Sark's hand. "Look, Harry, not to be rude, but we have a lot of calls to make today, I just need to know if we have your support or not."

Julian scowled and turned back towards the wet bar.

"I'll talk to the people on my end and see what I can do," Harry said. "I'm sure Octavius and the Goblin are in. Same with Venom, Kingpin and the Jack O'Lantern. I think Mysterio is on holiday and someone told me that the Sandman retired, but you never know with these guys."

Lex nodded to himself, raising his voice as the sounds of Sark making tea began to escalate exponentially. "Sounds good, just keep us apprised."

"Will do," Harry said. "And make sure you and Clark stop by the next time you're in town. We haven't had you over to the penthouse in ages."

"I'll see what Superman's schedule looks like," Lex's voice strained to remain at a reasonable volume as the sound of Sark's spoon banging against the sides of his porcelain cup bounced off the insulated walls. "You know how hard they are to pin down. Give my regards to Peter."

Harry made a snorting noise even as Lex disconnected the phone and retrieved the pad of paper he'd slipped between the seat cushion and the arm of the chair.

"Insufferable brat." Lex could hear the derision in Sark's voice as he looked under his chair for his Superman pen. He wouldn't have bothered normally, but this one wrote in four colors and he was attached to it.

Slipping out of his chair, Lex poked around under the chair and the coffee table and crawled towards the sofa, stopping only when he came face to shin with impeccably pressed black trousers.

“Enjoying yourself down there?”

Lex looked up – and then a bit further up. His eyes slowed down considerably when he reached Sark’s midsection, but he made a valiant effort to keep going. Clark. Superman. Naked. No sex for a week. He could do this.

“I was looking for my pen,” Lex said.

Sark shook his head and pulled something out of thin air. “Use mine,” he said. “Careful you only click it once though, an associate of mine got it from his ex, Bond.”

“Bond? Works in intelligence? Used to work with Alec?”

“That’s the one.”

Lex looked at the pen and shook his head. Clark couldn’t see him in his room, and there was that soundproofing issue as well, but Lex had all kinds of Superman-on-call buttons hidden everywhere he spent more than five minutes of his time.

“How goes the list?” Sark asked once Lex had re-ensconced himself in his power chair.

Lex looked at the pale purple legal pad in his lap and nodded his head. “We’re doing pretty well all things considered. The Joker, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, the Scarecrow, the Riddler, the Penguin, Ra’s Al Ghul, Catwoman, Two-Face, Killer Croc and Mr Freeze are all on board, as are Gorilla Grod, Solomon Grundy and Darkseid.

“Brainiac, Mr Mxy, Toyman and Metallo have all been more than happy to sign on... and those are just the people, excuse me, beings, who aren’t fond of Bruce and Clark.”

Sark licked his lower lip but said nothing.

Lex cleared his throat and thought of lying on his back and doing his duty for his country.

Promoting interspecies relations was far more important than international ones.

“Nothing quite like having a partner who’s in demand,” Lex said finally.

Sark nodded and took a sip of his new cup of tea. “So I’ve heard.”

“Speaking of demand, you’ve been very quiet regarding Neville. Everything all right at home? How is the saviour of wizarding kind?”

“Busy making hybrids of plants that I know better than to get near,” Sark answered promptly. “There are some people is just doesn’t pay to upset; I’m sure you understand.”

“Of course. And how does he feel about this unionization?”

“As I said, there are some people it’s better not to upset,” Sark said.

“You didn’t tell him?”

“And have to deal with an angry wizard? Alexander, can you possibly fathom how many people he could kill at one time?”

“Probably not as many as Clark.”

Sark took another sip of tea before setting down his cup and saucer on the table. “You’d be surprised.”

“You’re probably right –- but all this talk of Neville has made me realize that we have to contact Tom Riddle at some point.”

Sark’s sigh spoke volumes. “If we must, we must.”

Lex nodded his head before leaning forward and pushing a green button on the phone set. “Dolores, please get Erik Lensherr on the phone at once.”

“Right away, Mr Luthor,” a young woman’s voice answered promptly.

“I’m not terribly excited about the Riddle thing, Alexander,” Sark said.

“Just don’t tell Neville he’s not dead –- it works for Clark and I.”

“You’ve obviously never heard of something called ‘Veritaserum’.”

Lex looked up from where he was doodling on his legal pad. “Should I have?”

“Not if you can help it.”

“That bad, hmm?”

Sark opened his mouth and the speakerphone came to life. “You have approximately thirty seconds to explain yourself before I crush the structure around you and pull the entire business down the phone line to Genosha.”

Both Sark and Lex took in the room around them with new eyes. Lead was great for keeping prying lovers at bay, but not so great for people who were good with metal.

Lex took a deep breath. "Mr Lensherr, it’s Lex Luthor of Lex Corp and Julian Sark of the Covenant calling, did you receive the proposal we had sent to you?”

There was no immediate response, and Lex loosened his tie in the ensuing silence. The room had been a perfectly balmy 68 degrees moments ago, but now it was a bit warm. It seemed to him that Julian’s forehead was beginning to glisten -– was he sweating?

Not that Lex could actually blame him, but still.

The only motion Julian made was to reach for tea on the table, and eventually, Magneto spoke up. “Indeed I did, is there anything else you care to say? Last words? Eighteen seconds until your demise.”

“We were hoping you would consider joining our union of super-villains, perhaps as a member of the executive board?”

Magneto made a noise that Lex put down to indecision, and it was only Lex’s imagination that the room around them was getting smaller. It had to be.

Where was that emergency Clark button again?

"Mr Lensherr, we’re offering medical and dental, not that most mutants need it, but in case of accident; after all there was that legacy virus several years back...” Lex was speaking faster than he normally did, but time was of the essence. “We’ve also got quite a good 401K as well as vacation benefits, a Flexible Spending Account and an employee mental health package.”

Lex was a firm believer in the importance of having therapists-on-call for those more stressful moments – it was never easy having a monogamous relationship with the Saviour of the Free World. It had a tendency to grate the nerves more than was healthy.

“You’ve done quite well for yourselves considering you’re not mutants.” Magneto’s tone was all grudging respect, either that or distaste. Lex was certain thirty seconds had passed, but the room still seemed to be getting smaller.

Lex cleared his throat. "Actually, I am a mutant. A Kryptonite mutant. Quick, self-healing properties, but alas no special powers.”

"Indeed. And Mr Sark?”

"Mr Sark's better half is a wizard, and –“

“Can’t Mr Sark speak for himself?”

Julian took another sip of tea. “As Alexander was saying, my partner is a wizard and I work for an organization known as the Covenant.”

"The Covenant, really? And how is Irina?"

Lex had never see Sark stumble before, but it appeared to Lex that he hesitated before answering and Julian’s hand seemed unsteady as he set his empty cup back on the table. “Ms Derevko is well, sir.”

“Good. And this wizard of yours?”

Sark was clearly uncomfortable if the color in his cheeks was anything to go by; Lex had never seen Julian this uneasy. Of course to the naked eye nothing seemed amiss, but Lex knew discomfort when he saw it. "Neville Longbottom, formerly of Devonshire, now of Maida Vale in London. Schooled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, House of Gryffindor, Order of Merlin, First Class, Order of the Phoenix, etcetera etcetera."

"Indeed, well... I would wager there must be something to recommend you both if your partners are anything to go by –- a villain is only as powerful as his arch-nemesis. Actually more so, but I like to let Charles believe otherwise.”

Sark exhaled softly. “Of course.”

“It’s important to let them think they’re winning,” Magneto carried on, “Otherwise it makes the tension at home unbearable.”

Lex blinked. The room seemed as though it had gone back to a normal size. “We understand, and we would appreciate any help you would be willing to give us,” Lex said quickly.

“Very well, count me in.” Julian uncoiled along the sofa in the ensuing silence; Lex hadn’t even realized how unsettled they both were until he felt his owe spine unwind.

When Magneto spoke again his tone was less brusque. “I'm sure I can persuade Sinister and Apocalypse to join in your plans -- for what little they're worth.”

“Thank you,” Lex said.

“I’ll be in touch,” Magneto said.

The dial tone told Lex that they were dismissed, but both men sat in silence for several moments, breathing deeply. Eventually, Sark got to his feet and Lex did likewise.

“I should be getting on,” Sark said as Lex followed him to the door. “There’s nothing quite like getting torn a new one because dinner got cold while you were at work.”

Lex nodded his head as he reached out to unlock the door. As always, Sark stepped a little too close, and his breath was warm against the bridge of Lex’s nose as they considered each other casually.

“I’ll be in touch,” Sark said mockingly before opening the door and running directly into Superman.

Lex blinked; Sark stepped back.

“Julian Sark,” Clark said his eyes narrowing as though he could x-ray Sark’s thoughts.

Lex didn’t even have to look to know Julian was rolling his eyes. “Always a pleasure, Clark.”

Clark frowned.

“I meant Superman,” Sark corrected. He nodded toward Lex. “Lex.”

And with that Sark was gone.

Lex licked his bottom lip and graced his lover with a grin. “Waiting long?”

“Do I want to know what you were doing in there with him?”

Lex thought for a moment. “Probably not.”

Clark frowned.

“How’s the unionization going?” Lex asked, changing the subject.

“It’s a lot harder than I thought,” Clark confessed.

Lex brushed his hand over the bright yellow ‘s’ and nodded. “I know what you mean. C’mon, I’ll buy you dinner and you can tell me all about it.”

-end-

Inspired by

fearlessdiva. Beta by

serialkarma. Remaining snafus, as always, are mine.