A State of the Writer Address

I long time ago now, I promised someone (tstar78) that when I was getting ready to leave LJ I would say goodbye first.

So last night, as I was watching The O.C. (well, not watching as much as throwing things at the telly), the thought struck me that perhaps that time had come for me to go, because I'm not in love anymore and I feel like I've run out of things to say.

When I say I'm not in love anymore, I mean just that. When I first got into LJ (almost three years now, Christ) I was in a very deep thrall to Smallville. I adored Lex. The show could do no wrong -- and then it did me wrong, and I left it. That was okay, because HP was there to pick up the pieces, and when that stopped I had The O.C. But The O.C.? Not doing it for me anymore. And yes, I've picked up various fandoms along the way (X2, Spider-bleeding-Man, O11, Everwood, due South), but the fact still remains that the things that used to drive me aren't around anymore, and that makes me a bit maudlin. And it gives me a lot of pause.

I don't know how most people write; I only know how *I* write. I know that I have to be driven and motivated. I write because I have something I want to say -- some point, some idea, some something that I want to share. I need to be inspired or I wind up producing shit, and man, have I produced some shit in my day.* I may put out a lot of product, but quantity does not equal quality, and well, it just doesn't.

The thing about it though, is that fandom and writing was never going to be a long-term thing for me. When I got into fandom -- okay, when I randomly came across such a thing back in the Angel/Buffy heyday -- it was just this cute thing to pass the time. I was changing some things about my life at the time, and it was just supposed to be a passing fancy -- but it kinda stuck around. And it keeps sticking around. And the thing is, I like fandom. I like the writing and the reading and seeing the beautiful things that other people produce. I'm continually in awe of the talent that you lot possess. Of course, there are stupid arguements and wank; people are always going to disagree and scrap for no reason, but that's just the nature of the beast.

You have to take the good with the bad, or you need to move on.

I say all this to say -- well, fuck, I don't know *what* I'm trying to say or I'd've just said it. I have challenges that I've signed on for and things I'd like to write for people -- but at the end of the day, my target audience is *me*. I write for *me*. I trust my betas and I adore my readers, and while I'd feel bad if I couldn't keep my word and do these things for you guys, it wouldn't be the end of the world.**

Writing is something I should do because I love it, not because I feel obligated, and the day that changes is the day this journal gets deleted. It's almost happened a lot more than you might think; I can always start over again from scratch, maybe make things better in the next version -- but that's not the point either.

The point I'm trying to make, I think, is that writing is hard, despite however easy people may think it looks, and it's okay to be discouraged. Sometimes you need to take stock of why you do what you do, and that's what this is for me. A check-up/check-in. I don't know what the prognosis is yet -- but we'll see in time.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programme.


*This is not the obligatory place where I ask for dissenting opinions.

**Although God knows it'd probably feel like it for a while. Withdrawl is a bitch.

Times they are a changin'

My apologies for alarming people, let me clear some things up:


* No, I am not dead or dying (torchthisnow).

* Yes, the writing volume here is going to drop.

* No, I am not going to fall off the map entirely. I reckon anybody who needs me badly enough will find me.

* No, I am not going to delete my LJ (obsessedmuch). All those fucking stories lost? All that time with nothing to show for it? I'd go mental.

* Yes, I *am* trying to take a break. A sabbatical if you will.

* No, I don't have a .zip file of my work (dolimir_k), but my site will be active for as long as obsessedmuch is willing to keep it up.

* Yes, I did edit most of my reading list. In light of all those epiphanies is seemed stupid not to.

* Yes, I did have Josh Schwartz brain-washed. It was part of my evol plan to promote Mischa Barton.