A State of the Writer Address

[hackthis_archive]

I long time ago now, I promised someone (tstar78) that when I was getting ready to leave LJ I would say goodbye first.

So last night, as I was watching The O.C. (well, not watching as much as throwing things at the telly), the thought struck me that perhaps that time had come for me to go, because I'm not in love anymore and I feel like I've run out of things to say.

When I say I'm not in love anymore, I mean just that. When I first got into LJ (almost three years now, Christ) I was in a very deep thrall to Smallville. I adored Lex. The show could do no wrong -- and then it did me wrong, and I left it. That was okay, because HP was there to pick up the pieces, and when that stopped I had The O.C. But The O.C.? Not doing it for me anymore. And yes, I've picked up various fandoms along the way (X2, Spider-bleeding-Man, O11, Everwood, due South), but the fact still remains that the things that used to drive me aren't around anymore, and that makes me a bit maudlin. And it gives me a lot of pause.

I don't know how most people write; I only know how *I* write. I know that I have to be driven and motivated. I write because I have something I want to say -- some point, some idea, some something that I want to share. I need to be inspired or I wind up producing shit, and man, have I produced some shit in my day.* I may put out a lot of product, but quantity does not equal quality, and well, it just doesn't.

The thing about it though, is that fandom and writing was never going to be a long-term thing for me. When I got into fandom -- okay, when I randomly came across such a thing back in the Angel/Buffy heyday -- it was just this cute thing to pass the time. I was changing some things about my life at the time, and it was just supposed to be a passing fancy -- but it kinda stuck around. And it keeps sticking around. And the thing is, I like fandom. I like the writing and the reading and seeing the beautiful things that other people produce. I'm continually in awe of the talent that you lot possess. Of course, there are stupid arguements and wank; people are always going to disagree and scrap for no reason, but that's just the nature of the beast.

You have to take the good with the bad, or you need to move on.

I say all this to say -- well, fuck, I don't know *what* I'm trying to say or I'd've just said it. I have challenges that I've signed on for and things I'd like to write for people -- but at the end of the day, my target audience is *me*. I write for *me*. I trust my betas and I adore my readers, and while I'd feel bad if I couldn't keep my word and do these things for you guys, it wouldn't be the end of the world.**

Writing is something I should do because I love it, not because I feel obligated, and the day that changes is the day this journal gets deleted. It's almost happened a lot more than you might think; I can always start over again from scratch, maybe make things better in the next version -- but that's not the point either.

The point I'm trying to make, I think, is that writing is hard, despite however easy people may think it looks, and it's okay to be discouraged. Sometimes you need to take stock of why you do what you do, and that's what this is for me. A check-up/check-in. I don't know what the prognosis is yet -- but we'll see in time.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programme.


*This is not the obligatory place where I ask for dissenting opinions.

**Although God knows it'd probably feel like it for a while. Withdrawl is a bitch.

Comments

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

Writing is something I should do because I love it, not because I feel obligated

Yeah, I think there's a lot of malaise going on - I know I've been feeling it, and other people have mentioned to me that they're not as in love with their chosen BSOs as they once were.

*hugs*

I'll miss you if you go.

[lyra-sena.livejournal.com]

I just want to say I think you're swell, even if that's totally dorky. Because you really are, and I definitely agree that when the love fades, and it's no longer fun, you have to do what is best for you.

writing is hard, despite however easy people may think it looks and sometimes it's okay to be discouraged and sometimes you need to take stock of why you do what you do and why.

Absolutely, writing can be a big pain in the ass at times, and it's good to take stock because the unexamined life isn't worth living and all that blah blah -- okay, I've lost the thread of what I was trying to say now --

I think you're swell. Yeah.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I'm swell.

Yeah, well, you're adorable, so look we're even ;)

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

It's true. If the writing which is a *hobby* ever starts to feel like a *job*, that's bad. I was feeling completely overwhelmed lately and finally just decided fuck it. Things that are WIPs that aren't working I'm just going to leave. Even if I owe them to someone, or promised one to someone else. This isn't something I *have* to do. And then I started writing something dumb, that *I* wanted to write, because hello! That's what I should have been doing all along.

Not saying this is the same situation you're in, I'm just saying that yes, I understand where you're coming from, and I would miss you TERRIBLY, but you do what's going to make you happy.

Just, you know, lemme get you one last huge hug before you go.

*hugs and kisses*

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

And then I started writing something dumb, that *I* wanted to write, because hello! That's what I should have been doing all along.

I bet this 'dumb' thing will be fantastic -- after all, you wrote it, right ;)

[dolimir-k.livejournal.com]

Do you have a place where we can download your stories before you go? (Or would you offer up a zip?)

I just want to take this opportunity to say that I have really enjoyed your writing. You have a talent that I envy and I always look forward to the next story. However, I completely understand what you mean about writing being hard and that you do it for yourself.

I just hope that you do something with your writing. You're too talented to fade into obscurity.

Thank you for sharing the journey with us.

Although I'm not sure if I'm happy about you sucking me into HP or not. LOL!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Although I'm not sure if I'm happy about you sucking me into HP or not. LOL!

You are thrilled, I know you are. It's so rewarding, it's like a brain-sucking leech. Really. Uh, I was being sarcastic, there should totally be a font for that or something. Also, I don't have a zip file of my stories, my god, that would be like enormous, wouldn't it? But, my LJ isn't going anywhere, and my site will be there, even if I'm not.

[missdeviant.livejournal.com]

Honestly? I know exactly how you feel. Not just about The O.C., but fandom at large.

But even if it all falls down around us, at least we still have the things we wrote when the going was good.

[obsessedmuch.livejournal.com]

Hiatus, sweetie. Vacation. Break. A stretch of time when you feel no obligation to entertain the masses.

Love you. You know this. Love you hugely.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

You don't seriously think that *you* are rid of me, do you? Pfft.

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

Until I fell headfirst into a brand new fandom that has all kinds of things I love, I was definitely feeling the, "Is it worth it?" vibe. And if the answer had been, "No," I would have been out of here. Because this is my fun thing, and if it's not fun, there really is no point to doing it.

In other words, I sympathize.

[142978.livejournal.com]

I know I have to accept this kind of thing when it comes, because otherwise the entire thing just wouldn't work, but.

You will be missed when the time comes for you to leave, and you've been greatly appreciated while you've been here.

It's always a little bit sad for me to hear that someone else has fallen out of love with fandom - any fandom - and I know I've done my share of shifting and everything else.

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

don't let the door hit you in the ass, bitch.

[obsessedmuch.livejournal.com]

YOU! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN??

Write me, woman. Don't make me stalk you. I get cranky when I have to go to the Artic Tundra to find people.

[sparky77.livejournal.com]

I had this long, babbling about the meaning the writing and being a writer, but it made no sense, so I'll just say that if you do leave, I will miss you. You're writing has cheered me up and many a day when I was cranky and bored at work. You are truly talented. Writing in fandom is such an odd thing because it's this intensely personal thing done for public consumption and I know that I've struggled to find the balance between the two.

I wish I had answers, but all I can do is wish you luck and give you love.

[sprat.livejournal.com]

I think I've only read your Due South stuff, but that's enough for me to know you're a talented writer. And you've obviously made lots of contributions to fandom at large. So from a relative newbie: thanks for that! If you decide to go, you'll be missed.

[teaspoon.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that if you do leave, I will miss you, but I will be glad that I got the chance to read your wonderful writing once upon a time. *wipes away a tear*

In all seriousness, you will be missed. Much, much love and awe.

[oldgreystone.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to thank you for your writing and the sharing of it. You are one of my absolute favourite writers here and I would be very sad to see you go.

[neon2300.livejournal.com]

*runs over from left field*

Dude, you're the one that got me into Jeff! You will so be missed if/when you leave, but I think I speak for a lot of people when I say you have given us alot. Thank you so very much! *hugs*

*runs back*

[goss.livejournal.com]

I...don't have the words really. :(

But since this isn't about me, I'll just say thank you so much for being inspiring and helpful and sharing your creativity and making my fandom experience that much more enjoyable. *hugstight*

[xmarisolx.livejournal.com]

Funny, we're in the exact same spot. I'm one of your biggest fans, although we haven't had what could be called a relationship, cyber or otherwise. Proof positive being I just realized you were hackthis today. ::blush::

Anyway, the points you made are very valid, because - all the prolific and/or talented (and God may there be more ands than ors) fanfic writers are writers first. They know the inner thrill of really being possessed by a story and the ecstacy that comes from being exorcized of said tale. Where fandoms are so great is that you have ready made material, audience and characters. And, contrary to what many people believe, from such a ready-made writing "kit," there is still such an abundance of potential for real creativity and quality product.

But conversely, when the source material goes south (ie - Smallvile), so does the motivation. But now you've (as in "you" in general) been bit in the butt by this thing that's auxiallary to the source - the whole fandom thing. So, after spending an evening defacing your television with projectiles, you compose sililoquies on when you're going to put this whole endeavor (which was probably a trite indulgent to begin with) out of it's misery.

So basically, this has been my long-winded "Amen - I've had similar conversations with myself" response.

[xmarisolx.livejournal.com]

Oh, I guess I should mention I would be sorry to see you go.

PS - I second the zip idea - seriously, I love your stuff.

[j-keller.livejournal.com]

Come over to the quiet side, baby. It's... well, quiet. But good. Very good, and we need you.

[chickwriter.livejournal.com]

The point I'm trying to make, I think, is that writing is hard

Take it from someone who does this professionally. AMEN, OH YEAH, ABSO-FREAKIN'LUTELY.

Hang in there - I go through this phase at least once a year.

[svmadelyn.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Well--obviously, you need to do what's going to make you happiest, and if the squee's not there; it's just not there. And when you try and force it, it makes you (general you) kind of hostile toward the thing you loved in the first place. (Wow. I am just--brilliant here with my lack of proper wording skills.) But--okay, I think *everyone* goes through periods where they feel like this, and I'm going to hope yours is just that, a period. Maybe take some time off, catch up on some reading and things, and see where you're at in a couple of months.

Basically--whatever you wind up doing, all the best, is what I'm going to say. *hugs*

[sorcha-feanor.livejournal.com]

awwww...I'll miss you!!

[issaro.livejournal.com]

jebesus! i leave work an hour early and the whole world falls apart (witness poor pouncer's day).

regardless what you decide and whether it's drama or not, you will always rock like a rock god.

Don't leave us....

[elleesttrois.livejournal.com]

Even if you drop by for a moment to just rant--we welcome it.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Amen sister. You use your LJ for whatever purposes it suits for you and so on.

If you leave without saying goodbye Caro won't be the only one coming out there to kick your ass :)

I don't comment much these days but I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

[meret.livejournal.com]

You'll be very missed! I hope you come back soon. *big hug*

Have you tried Battlestar Galactica?