It's like beating my head against the wall. A lot. Hard.

[hackthis_archive]

I'd meant to answer comments today, but since I almost cut the tip off my ring finger yesterday and it's all bandaged and taking me three tries to type anything, that's probably not going to happen. Ever tried to wash your face with a rubber glove strapped to your hand since you can't get your fingers wet? Exactly.

Things of random import to me:

1. I recently had the good fortune to actually see a threesome in action (m/m/f) that worked beautifully. When I say 'threesome' I don't mean porn; I could get that anytime. I mean I saw the dynamic played out right in front of me during a rather extended meal, and wow, it was pretty fucking amazing. The centre of the attention (Man A) and the woman were totally in love, but Man A was clearly in love with the other man (Man B) as well. It was clearly reciprocated, and well, this dynamic must be working on some level. I didn't get to see a lot of the female/other man (Man B) interaction, but the centre point (Man A) of all this attention seemed pretty fucking happy -- not that I blame him, because shit, I'd be fucking happy too. I feel like this may require a story at some point for my own edification.

2. I was eavesdropping overheard the most depressing story this weekend, that now I will have to share with you, because well, I'm all about the sharing and practising typing with this flipping thing on my finger. I don't know why this story hit me so deeply, but I just -- it was almost like a warning. The kicker is that I never got the end of the story*, so I want to see how you guys think it ended:

A man and woman fell in love and got married, and unlike a lot of couples they actually seemed right and happy together. It wasn't a case of just marry anyone or just get married to get married, they both were deeply in love, but as of late the couple in question were fighting a lot. The woman didn't really understand why they were fighting, just that they couldn't stop and it was becoming a serious problem. It was almost like they were sabotaging themselves, in that way people sometimes do when they think they have to beat the other person to the punch before everything falls apart.

Anyway, the woman went out one night and got completely blitzed, and when she came home her husband was waiting and they fought like they'd never fought before. It was the kind of row that makes you question everything about yourself. At some point during the row, her husband fired back 'you're not the woman I married,' and the woman was just devastated.

What do you do when the person you love says that to you?

Sadly this is where the story ended and I didn't get to hear the rest, so now my question to you is two fold:

[Poll #494915]

Comments

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go with a combination of answers for the last one.

He was wrong, they go to therapy, THEN they get divorced.

(uhm, I didn't say it was a HAPPY combination *g*)

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Indeed ;)

[boji.livejournal.com]

They talk, rationally and talk some more. Try and talk without being non judgmental and if communication is irretrievable then they go to therapy.

[meret.livejournal.com]

Ouch! I hope your finger heals quickly!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I wish it would too, but realistically, since I cut through the nail that may not happen. Thanks for the good wishes though :)

[tehomet.livejournal.com]

They should argue more productively, or get relationship counselling or something. Should I have clicked the therapy button? I think his comment was dumb. Of course she isn't!

[valancy.livejournal.com]

There's more going on. Stuff comes out. He's been changing a lot, and she didn't realize how much, and has been trying to hold on to him. they try to adjust. It doesn't work - and then, strangely, it does. But things aren't like they were before, although they're neither better nor worse.

[serialkarma.livejournal.com]

I refuse to take this poll on account of it depressing the hell out of me.

[sparky77.livejournal.com]

Or maybe neither of them is wrong. I've been talking a lot with a friend who is going through almost the exact same thing right now and I think what happens is that we have this ideal that if you are in a relationship with someone you truly love than it has to work out and if it's not working out, it's because someone isn't trying hard enough or loving the other person enough, so if you love someone and the relationship isn't working you look around for someone to blame, it might be yourself, it might be the other person, and that leads to the ugliness, but sometimes there are other factors involved and there's just nothing either person can do about it, it's not the right time, it's not the right place, and they just have to cut their losses and move on for the sake of both their sanity... and I just depressed myself so I'm going to shut up now.

And ouch! to your finger. *hugs*

[teaphile.livejournal.com]

That was my train of thought about the whole thing, too. People change, and sometimes they change in different directions and there's nothing you can do about it.

A therapist once told me that you change over your friends an average of every five years. I can see how that might apply to relationships, too.

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

It seems like it's pretty comon to marry someone you don't know well.

I mean, people do change, especially when it's a relationship begun at a young age. But basic personality traits and patterns of behavior are there post-adolescence, so if someone is whining about being "surprised at who they married", they were either blinded by hormones, willfully blind or wishfully thinking they could change the person they supposedly loved.

The exception would be if the person in question turns out to have psychiatric problems that were successfully hidden. Again, though, time tends to take care of that sort of thing.

[mellafe.livejournal.com]

Hi. I just friended you because I'm stupid and should've done it before. That's all.

[k-glorificus.livejournal.com]

in love does not last, man.
saying someone isn't the person they were X amount of time ago isn't an insult, it's TRUE. everyone changes and the people around us either change with us or get left in the past. no different for your friends than for people you sleep with.

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

"In love doesn't last." I'll buy that without feeling cynical. Love lasts, but "in love" changes over time. In love is ephemeral. And I AM a romantic.

[k-glorificus.livejournal.com]

also that story doesn't depress me in the least. I'm just glad they aren't my neighbors.

you're a romantic.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

you're a romantic.

I am not. Stop spreading filthy lies and give me some fucking sympathy for almost chopping my finger off.

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

When I say 'threesome' I don't mean porn, I could get that anytime

BWHAHAHAHAHAH.

dood.

also, fingers are not for chopping!

I love the story in #1. I want to know more about it. Dynamics like that are FASCINATING.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Number 1 was brilliant. I will e you the details.

[lyra-sena.livejournal.com]

Heh. Of course she's not the woman he married -- everyone changes over time, and besides, that's a lame thing for him to say. The key to it is that they change together, and understand that change is good -- so basically what happens is the woman looks at him and rolls her eyes, and then says, look, I'm drunk and pretty horny, so just come fuck me.

And he does.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

I think you win for best response and for easily making me feel way better. You know how you hear something and you just pick up the emotions without being rational about it? Yeah, this was like that. Plus, I'd been drinking.

[fivil.livejournal.com]

I feel romantic this evening and thus chose the non-realistic option where they work things out. Without a therapist.

[longsunday.livejournal.com]

he's at fault because saying you're not the woman i married is one of the stupidest things ever. of course she's not. he isn't the bloke she married, either, that's kind of teh point - would you want to live with the same person forever? people change to keep things interesting. they grow, or grow apart.

they'd probably get divorced & she'd never find out what the real problem was, because well. yeah. i'm really cynical that way i suppose. i don't believe in romantic love that much.

second choice was therapy... but i don't know how effective that is, or how it works, or stuff like that so. *whistles* skipped it.

ouch on yr finger, though. what did you do? o_0

[supergrover24.livejournal.com]

The man has an affair with an 18 year-old girl, gets her pregnant and leaves. The woman realizes that she isn't the woman he married, and it's okay, because she grew up in the relationship and he didn't. He was still the 20 year-old boy of their first days, and not the 28-year-old man she desperately wanted to grow old with.

Um.

Yeah, that was my experience anyway.

[neon2300.livejournal.com]

Relationships are too complicated for me to answer that poll honestly. I mean there's so much I don't know. Being in a relationship with someone is supposed to help you grow and mature as an individual. Some people want their partners' to be strong where they're weak and vice versa instead of working at it themselves. I think they both have work to do, though. That much is certain. Maybe they were at that point in the relationship where they finally realized not only the good things about each other, but the bad as well.

How would it end? Therapy - but I think they need to sit down and talk about thier views on relationships. Most therapists would tell them to look at thier parents' relationship(cause parents/caregivers provide most of the the template people have regarding relationships).

*shrugs* Some people are more afraid of love and commitment cause' it gives them something to lose.

Okay, I'll shut up now. ;-)

[smonsterbite.livejournal.com]

People get stuck in stupid patterns, and sometimes the only way to break those patterns is to end the relationship.

[nuptse.livejournal.com]

People change. The younger they are when they marry, the more they change. And possibly grow apart (or grow UP). It's very possible to also love someone but not like them - a lesson I learned from my ex.
Consider also how much perhaps the other person wanted them to change to meet their wills, and how much they actually did. There is sometimes a wide chasm between what that person thought they knew about you and could change to their liking, or what was the real you that will not and can not ever change with you staying who you are.

I can tell you how my "you're not the same person I married" ended/will end/has ended:
He's right. I'm not the same naive, lovestruck 20 year old I was when we married. But he *is* the same jaded, bitter divorcee *he* was. People can be lonely with someone else in the room. After a while, it's easier to be alone and lonely.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

"You're not the woman I married" actually means, "I thought I had to marry a woman, despite my being sekritly gay, and you were the butchest woman I could find who liked men, but you've gone all girly on me and besides, you still don't have a penis, jeez I'm so confused, not to mention in the closet, oh god I want a divorce."

Does that help?

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Priceless, Shay.

[mereol.livejournal.com]

It could go in any number of directions but if their relationship was built on a solid foundation of love, then they can get through anything, it just takes compromise and an unfailing desire to make it work.

Falling in Love is easy, Staying there isn't. And I don't believe anyone that says that it should be. You can't take two people that were (probably) raised in completely different worlds (aka home life) and convince them that spending the rest of their lives together will be a bed of fucking roses all the time. Well, you can, and that's how you get them to the altar (or barefoot in a field of freaking daisies, whathaveyou), but it's not always a laugh.

..and this is why I don't argue with my husband....arguments are a free for all, you get to say all kinds of shit you probably don't mean but can't EVER ever take back....

[mereol.livejournal.com]

...and sorry to hear about your finger.

[plumtastic.livejournal.com]

Like SK, I'm going to skip the unhappy story and focus on the cool dynamics of that threesome stich. Watching that kind of thing always gives me a little shiver because sometimes you can just see the threads and passionate whatnot flowing between people. It's the most fascinating thing ever.

Probably one reason I still drag my sorry ass to local shows.

[venivincere]

They both take a step backward and ask "What the hell is going on here? I still love you, but we're not working well together. Why?" And then they proceed to figure it out and in the end they achieve a better communication and understanding of one another, and an even deeper, more meaningful and lasting love.

Yeah, I'm all about the romance.

[velutlunas.livejournal.com]

Aight, I know that this isn't really a part of the poll, but I felt like I had to put my two cents in on the first bit of your post. Threesomes. I myself am currently in a working threesome. Now, it's not the m/m/f variety as those are ridiculously rare, it's of the m/f/f variety. Just like the one you mentioned, the man in the relationship and I only vaguely interact. He's her husband and is by far one of the coolest guys I've ever met. Case in point, when she was talking about possibly trying this situation out with him his response had nothing to do with how two chicks is hot, but "She makes you smile so brightly, how'm I going to get in the way of something like that? I like who you are when she's near you." Seriously. I'm a chick and I can't even come up with shit like that.

The only thing I guess I can say as to why it works is that we all trust each other. But it's also for me, cause alot of people ask how I can share her with someone else... and my answer is this: She loves me for who I am with all of her heart. She just has a really big heart.

So yea, dunno if I was just rambling for the sake of rambling, or if that helped you out in any way.