hackthis_archive | SW RPS – Brand New Lover

I don't know what to say. It's hard to defend the indefensible, right? Fuck it. It amuses my girl. Inspired by pretty boys and emo clips (whoever posted that to the net deserves to be president) and 80s new wave…

Star Wars RPS
Hayden Christensen/Ewan McGregor + special guest stars to fuck with your head
Disclaimer: Clearly this is all blatantly untrue and made-up. If you don't know what that is, look in the dictionary under 'breast implants.'

Brand New Lover

Ewan McGregor's lips are entirely too close to Hayden Christensen's mouth.

Hayden's not talking feet or inches, he's talking centimetres. Possibly millimetres. If he can feel Ewan breathing against his mouth and stealing his air, then they are just way too close for comfort.

For Hayden's comfort at least.

He's got a death grip on his car keys because of Ewan's mouth, and the keys are digging into the skin of his palm. It hurts -- the keys hurt -- but it's better than doing something stupid, like touching Ewan back.

Ewan doesn't seem to be bothered by their arrangement, he has Hayden pinned against the wall next to Natalie's front door with his arms and his legs, but Hayden would like to lodge one complaint, or two, or fifty.

He's starting to feel a bit light-headed from looking down at Ewan's mouth, and the proximity of Ewan's mouth to his own. Ewan's right there, with his eyelashes that are entirely too long for any man, and the beard that makes him look like a grizzly bear.

Hayden won't even get started out Ewan's greenish-grayish-bluish eyes with no discernible colour or name, because Ewan doesn't already have that accent and that walk in his favour. God was having a good day when Ewan was born, and Hayden sounds so girlie that it's pathetic.

He doesn't mean to giggle, but it's either that or have some sort of hysterical fan moment, and they're working together as equals. Equals do not turn into babbling messes.

If this was the first film it would be excusable, but this is Revenge of the Sith, and Hayden is supposed to have some restraint by now.

Ha.

Ewan's body heat is making Hayden break out in a cold sweat, and this is not what Hayden was angling for when he agreed with Natalie that Ewan was hot. He was just agreeing. He didn't say he wanted to kiss Ewan, or be trapped against a hard surface with Ewan staring into his eyes, and at his mouth, and this is just so wrong and bad, and Hayden's straight.

Kind of.

Sometimes.

It's all Natalie's fault.

Not just Hayden being trapped against the fucking wall by Ewan, but the whole disaster with Elijah Wood and that one stupid night in New York. Natalie's also at fault for the paper cut on Hayden's index finger that's throbbing for no reason at all, and the fact that every time Ewan breathes, Hayden can feel the exhalations blowing against his chin and his nose.

It would be very nice if his body would stop shuddering right now.

It would be even better if Ewan weren't leaning in with this wicked look on his face, or licking at his lips like Hayden is a tasty Guinness and Ewan has decided that he needs to have a drink after being dry since the dawn of time.

How Ewan's managed to stop drinking, Hayden will never know, because he can taste the lager on his own breath, and when he belches and drops his keys, Ewan laughs uproariously, like Hayden is the funniest thing ever. Ewan still doesn't move away though, and Hayden would really like to go home now.

He would really like to strangle Natalie too, but then he would have to move away from Ewan and that just seems like crazy talk. Hayden knows Natalie is near-by, he can tell because he can see the top of her head, but he can't make eye contact since he can't stop staring at Ewan fucking McGregor and his crazy eyes.

Natalie is going to die for this.

Hayden knows that somewhere in the karmic universe, Natalie Portman is in so much trouble right now, and Hayden is glad, because she dared Ewan to kiss Hayden, and Hayden didn’t even get any say in the matter.

That is not how it should work.

Of course, in Hayden's mind, Natalie is also to blame for world hunger, his bad hair days, and the fact that he's got an erection that just might kill him from blood loss or embarrassment.

Yeah, Natalie is going to pay.

A lot.

Her grandchildren will be working this off.

After all, Natalie is the one who started him on this treacherous road in the first place with a simple introduction at one of the billion Attack of the Clones premieres. Apparently Natalie had done a few films with this kid, Lucas Haas, and then when Hayden was in Los Angeles he ran into Lucas, except this time Lucas was with Elijah Wood.

Lucas and Elijah had never done any films together, but they knew each other in that incestuous Hollywood way that had everyone knowing everyone else and fucking everyone else's exes. Plus, as this was during the Lord of the Rings frenzy, even Hayden knew who Elijah was. Not that he even really liked Elijah. Elijah was too happy and too pretty and too fucking short, and his eyes were kind of weird.

But then Hayden was in New York several months later, visiting and hanging out and drinking with his friends, including Natalie, and apparently one of his friends was friends with Elijah, and well, one thing led to another like it often did in entertainment.

Obviously this was why Ewan had stopped drinking, because you hooked up with the wrong people, of the wrong gender, and -– and Hayden was trying desperately to have a thought, but can't because Ewan's brushing his mouth against Hayden's and -– and -–

It doesn't help when Natalie's shrieking, "Just kiss him already!"

And then they're kissing, and it's, well, it doesn't suck.

Ewan's lips are dry and thin, but he's got force, and Hayden has to work very hard not to laugh into the kiss, because Ewan has force, which shouldn't be confused with The Force, and it's funny.

Except it's not -- because Ewan's hands are cupping Hayden's cheeks, and his beard is giving Hayden stubble burn. They're kissing properly, with teeth and tongues. It's too good to just be a tease, but it is, because eventually it will end. Ewan won't choosen Hayden in the end, he has a family, and Hayden will spend the rest of his life thinking about what might have been.

Ewan is doing this for shits and giggles, because Natalie dared him too, but Hayden is kissing Ewan because it's Ewan. He's hot and funny and talented; he tastes like fruit juice when anyone else would taste like whiskey or beer, and Hayden is crazy about him.

Hayden can't even be around Ewan for too long without feeling dizzy and stupid, and he's wanted this for so long that it can't ever live up to those stupid daydreams that he swore to Natalie he wasn't having at all.

Hayden can't keep track of how many times he's told Natalie he's straight, and that he doesn't like men, or that he just doesn't like Ewan. He knows that Natalie thought she was doing him a favor with Lucas and Elijah and all those other guys she introduced him too. He knows she thinks she's doing him a favour now, with Ewan, but Hayden thinks she's just making everything that much worse.

If he was going to come out the closet, that would be fine.

If he was going to come out the closet, because he'd found someone he wanted to be with –- that would be even better.

But if he's in the closet, and he likes it there, and there's no one worth coming out for, it's just cruel for Natalie to have Ewan taunt him with what he can never have.

Unless this isn't taunting at all.

It could be an offer.

Maybe Hayden's been looking at this in the wrong light -- maybe this could work. Maybe instead of thinking about 'all or nothing' he needs to start thinking in terms of sharing and compromising to get what he wants.

He wouldn't mind a new lover.

-end-