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serialkarma, with much love, but no beta.
Improv: fall, swelter, crimson, leaf, marble.
Star Wars RPS
Jude/Ewan/Hayden, and all variations thereof.
Disclaimers: I solemnly swear that I am telling porkie pies.
Including the Kitchen Sink (The Lightsaber Thing)
It starts with the whooshing noises –- there's really no other way to describe it.
Hayden and Ewan are standing in front of the blue screen, sweltering in their fucking costumes, because apparently, there's supposed to be a volcano erupting around them as they battle, which is just... lame, but it's George's vision, so.
The point is that it's fucking hot, and Hayden's hair is plastered to his head with sweat and the Evian that keeps getting sprayed on them by make-up to make them look even sweatier. They've done five takes already, and it's been three hours, and he's bored. What happens next is about as shocking to him as finding out that Luke and Leia were brother and sister, because they were so getting it on in Star Wars. Okay, so Hayden's geek side is showing, but apparently, he's not the only one who's been corrupted by the Geek Side.
It's only because they're practically standing on each other that Hayden even notices the noises that Ewan's making, but yeah, Ewan is totally making noises.
Whooshing noises.
Lightsaber whooshing noises.
Hayden can tell, because Ewan's swinging his lightsaber around randomly, making these fucking noises, and Hayden's dick totally approves.
There are plenty of things that Hayden could've chosen to fixate on regarding Ewan -– the beard, the voice, his cock (which is all over the internet for quick viewing on laptops when DVDs aren't handy) –- and uh, Hayden was having a thought but it's a bit hard with all the whooshing, and who knew Ewan was such a nerd? Hayden cannot believe that Ewan is making the fucking whooshing noises of lightsaber doom.
It's really hot.
He doesn't even realise he's staring until Ewan looks over at him and grins. No one can possibly notice Hayden turning crimson with all the water and sweat and heat –- did he mention the fucking heat? He's going to fall on his face, passed out, because he's been swaddled in ten thousand layers of clothing; he has a new empathy for Natalie.
He's going to think of something else. Anything else.
Except when the next take rolls, Ewan's still making his whooshing noises, and Hayden can't help but join in. The whooshing noises are their own private joke, and every time they get too close, Ewan puckers his lips and blows hot air against Hayden's damp skin. Parts of Hayden that have nothing to do with the scene are taking copious notes for later.
It's like they're speaking their own language –- the Whooshing Lightsaber language -– and Hayden wonders how to say 'Do you want to fuck me?' in Lightsaberese.
Things just degenerate from there.
Eventually, George has to come over and tell them to stop making the noises, because they're looking really fucking weird on the dailies.
Ewan just laughs and ruffles Hayden's hair. He says they'll behave from now on, and Hayden would speak for himself, but he's still trembling all over from Ewan breathing on him. It's taking every fibre of control he has not to come in his costume –- he doesn't want to have to hear about that for the next sixty years of his life.
*
The thing about working on Star Wars films with people like Ewan is that they make it very hard to get through a take. Any take. At any time.
Hayden's life would probably improve a lot if Ewan would stop whispering dirty, Dark Side entreaties into his ear between takes when they're hanging from a cable with Ian clutching Hayden's foot.
Of course, work wouldn't be half as much fun if Ewan weren't telling Hayden that Obi-Wan would've become a Sith Lord for Anakin if it hadn't been for that bitch, Padme.
Ewan's almost as crazy as George.
*
Hayden hopes that his attraction to Ewan is just about sex.
Hayden really really hopes it's just about the sex.
He tells himself that this has to be about sex, because Hayden is twenty-two, and everything in your twenties is about getting laid. Or getting laid again. Or getting laid on a regular basis. Or getting laid by everyone in a ten mile radius.
Actually, Hayden thinks that that's what they say about your teens. And your thirties. And pretty much every other decade of your life, but for Hayden, this thing he has for Ewan is about sex. At least he prays it is. Heaven forbid he actually have a real crush on Ewan 'The Scottish Stallion' McGregor (TM, the girls in wardrobe) -– that would just suck big time, because everybody fancies Ewan, and Hayden sucks at sharing. Too many siblings.
It's a good thing that this is all in Hayden's head anyway.
*
You know there's a problem when you start jerking off in the shower to thoughts of your co-star making whooshing noises in your ear. You know it's a very big problem when you come hard enough to black out, and when you wake up on the marble floor of the shower, your first thought isn't 'oh shit' but 'am I late to see said co-star?'
*
When Jude Law comes to visit the set, all Hayden can think is 'huh.' Jude's paler and thinner and more vibrant in person -– but his hairline is receding. Hayden heard he had it moved back for The Road to Perdition, and it hasn't grown back right since. That's why Hayden will never be a method actor. He likes his hair the way it is.
*
If Hayden were the suspicious kind of guy, he might think that something is going on between Jude and Ewan, because they're always in each other's space, and they can't seem to stop talking about each other to each other. And they're always touching each other. Or fussing with each other.
They snipe like his grandparents.
It's not that Hayden's watching them all the time, or every day, he's just curious. He's got his mates and his brother, but they don't act like Jude and Ewan, and every time Jude catches Hayden watching them -– him -- he just smirks like he knows something Hayden doesn't. It's either that or he's trying to get in Hayden's trousers, but Hayden doesn't think he'd give it up to Jude, he doesn't seem like he'd be that good in bed. Too fey.
*
You know you need therapy when you start dreaming about your co-star fucking his best mate while you watch, and he's still making those fucking whooshing noises. Even in Hayden's dreams he can't escape the lightsaber thing.
*
According to Ewan, all lightsabers are inherently phallic. They're exceedingly long penises that men swing around so they can have dick-measuring contests.
The whooshing noises are substitutes for coming all over the place.
Hayden would agree, but he's too busy spewing up his morning coffee all over Jeannie's make-up table. It makes it kind of hard to talk.
*
There's a tree by Ewan's trailer that's forever dropping acorns and sap and leaves all over the place. Hayden likes the tree, not because it's by Ewan's trailer, but because it's got these huge roots that are good for sitting between and reading or sleeping or whatever. He's totally going to the tree when he overhears a conversation that goes something like this:
Jude: How do you do it?
Ewan: I'm not drunk enough for whatever you're on about, mate.
Jude (completely ignoring Ewan's attempt to change the subject): I mean, even on film, it's obvious you're great in the sack. Is it in your hips, what're you doing with your hips that I'm not? Where'd you learn it?
Ewan (guileless): Learn what?
Jude: That thing you do. Don't give me that look with the, 'What the fuck are you on about now?' face. You know what I'm getting at, McGregor.
Ewan: Ooooh, surnames now, Mr Law?
Jude: Fuck off. Seriously, how do you do that thing where you make your cock look about a foot long? I'm thinking it's got its own agent at this point.
Ewan: Obviously it's got it's own representation -– me.
Jude: So, what you're saying is, I'm doomed.
Ewan: Until your ego stops eating Tokyo.
There was some other stuff, but Hayden misses it because Ian and Sam come out of the costume trailer around the same time, and he has to stop loitering under Ewan's open window.
He tries very hard not to freak out later on when Jude mentions that he's got leaves in his hair
*
There's a point to all this, Hayden knows there is. He just has no idea what the fuck it is -- but when he finds out, he hopes that it'll come with a translator so he can figure out Jude Law too. Hayden's not used to anybody flirting with him so openly. He'd feel more impressed if Jude didn't flirt with everybody else too. Ewan doesn't seem to mind though, in fact, it's almost like he encourages it. At least Hayden thinks he does until the day that Jude railroads him between make-up and wardrobe and snogs about two hours of make-up off Hayden's face.
Jude's kisses are light and fluttery, and they're good, experienced and refined, but Hayden wants something else. Something a bit coarser. He's just reaching out to see if he can fix things when Jude pulls back, eyes bright and piercing.
Jude's got these little frown lines across his forehead, and he winks at Hayden. "Just checking out the merchandise, first," he says cryptically, wiping discreetly at the corner of his mouth before walking away. "Caveat emptor."
*
Jude leaves on a Tuesday. On Wednesday morning they're back to shooting fight scenes and making the whooshing noises. On Thursday, Hayden comes back from shooting scenes with Natalie to find Ewan asleep in his trailer. Rather than disturbing him, Hayden goes to take a shower, and he's just pulling on his favorite greying X-Games tee shirt when the door to the bathroom opens with a whooshing sound.
Ewan's hair is everywhere, and he's got sleep lines on his face from Hayden's sofa. He blinks rapidly in the fluorescent lights, and Hayden leans over and kisses Ewan on the mouth before he can think too much about it.
"I got tired of waiting for you," he says, turning off the bathroom and stepping into the trailer.
Ewan just yawns. "Yeah, Jude said that might be the case."
-end-
The E&J madness is a spin-off fromethrosdemon's brilliance, and we all have spicedrum to thank for typing up the Rolling Stone interview where Hayden talked about he and Ewan making the flipping whooshing noises and George telling them to knock it of. What? They totally started it. After reading that article, K and I made a deal that she would write about the missing pants and I would write about the noises of doom.
serialkarma, with much love, but no beta. Improv: fall, swelter, crimson, leaf, marble.
Star Wars RPS
Jude/Ewan/Hayden, and all variations thereof.
Disclaimers: I solemnly swear that I am telling porkie pies.
It starts with the whooshing noises –- there's really no other way to describe it.
Hayden and Ewan are standing in front of the blue screen, sweltering in their fucking costumes, because apparently, there's supposed to be a volcano erupting around them as they battle, which is just... lame, but it's George's vision, so.
The point is that it's fucking hot, and Hayden's hair is plastered to his head with sweat and the Evian that keeps getting sprayed on them by make-up to make them look even sweatier. They've done five takes already, and it's been three hours, and he's bored. What happens next is about as shocking to him as finding out that Luke and Leia were brother and sister, because they were so getting it on in Star Wars. Okay, so Hayden's geek side is showing, but apparently, he's not the only one who's been corrupted by the Geek Side.
It's only because they're practically standing on each other that Hayden even notices the noises that Ewan's making, but yeah, Ewan is totally making noises.
Whooshing noises.
Lightsaber whooshing noises.
Hayden can tell, because Ewan's swinging his lightsaber around randomly, making these fucking noises, and Hayden's dick totally approves.
There are plenty of things that Hayden could've chosen to fixate on regarding Ewan -– the beard, the voice, his cock (which is all over the internet for quick viewing on laptops when DVDs aren't handy) –- and uh, Hayden was having a thought but it's a bit hard with all the whooshing, and who knew Ewan was such a nerd? Hayden cannot believe that Ewan is making the fucking whooshing noises of lightsaber doom.
It's really hot.
He doesn't even realise he's staring until Ewan looks over at him and grins. No one can possibly notice Hayden turning crimson with all the water and sweat and heat –- did he mention the fucking heat? He's going to fall on his face, passed out, because he's been swaddled in ten thousand layers of clothing; he has a new empathy for Natalie.
He's going to think of something else. Anything else.
Except when the next take rolls, Ewan's still making his whooshing noises, and Hayden can't help but join in. The whooshing noises are their own private joke, and every time they get too close, Ewan puckers his lips and blows hot air against Hayden's damp skin. Parts of Hayden that have nothing to do with the scene are taking copious notes for later.
It's like they're speaking their own language –- the Whooshing Lightsaber language -– and Hayden wonders how to say 'Do you want to fuck me?' in Lightsaberese.
Things just degenerate from there.
Eventually, George has to come over and tell them to stop making the noises, because they're looking really fucking weird on the dailies.
Ewan just laughs and ruffles Hayden's hair. He says they'll behave from now on, and Hayden would speak for himself, but he's still trembling all over from Ewan breathing on him. It's taking every fibre of control he has not to come in his costume –- he doesn't want to have to hear about that for the next sixty years of his life.
The thing about working on Star Wars films with people like Ewan is that they make it very hard to get through a take. Any take. At any time.
Hayden's life would probably improve a lot if Ewan would stop whispering dirty, Dark Side entreaties into his ear between takes when they're hanging from a cable with Ian clutching Hayden's foot.
Of course, work wouldn't be half as much fun if Ewan weren't telling Hayden that Obi-Wan would've become a Sith Lord for Anakin if it hadn't been for that bitch, Padme.
Ewan's almost as crazy as George.
Hayden hopes that his attraction to Ewan is just about sex.
Hayden really really hopes it's just about the sex.
He tells himself that this has to be about sex, because Hayden is twenty-two, and everything in your twenties is about getting laid. Or getting laid again. Or getting laid on a regular basis. Or getting laid by everyone in a ten mile radius.
Actually, Hayden thinks that that's what they say about your teens. And your thirties. And pretty much every other decade of your life, but for Hayden, this thing he has for Ewan is about sex. At least he prays it is. Heaven forbid he actually have a real crush on Ewan 'The Scottish Stallion' McGregor (TM, the girls in wardrobe) -– that would just suck big time, because everybody fancies Ewan, and Hayden sucks at sharing. Too many siblings.
It's a good thing that this is all in Hayden's head anyway.
You know there's a problem when you start jerking off in the shower to thoughts of your co-star making whooshing noises in your ear. You know it's a very big problem when you come hard enough to black out, and when you wake up on the marble floor of the shower, your first thought isn't 'oh shit' but 'am I late to see said co-star?'
When Jude Law comes to visit the set, all Hayden can think is 'huh.' Jude's paler and thinner and more vibrant in person -– but his hairline is receding. Hayden heard he had it moved back for The Road to Perdition, and it hasn't grown back right since. That's why Hayden will never be a method actor. He likes his hair the way it is.
If Hayden were the suspicious kind of guy, he might think that something is going on between Jude and Ewan, because they're always in each other's space, and they can't seem to stop talking about each other to each other. And they're always touching each other. Or fussing with each other.
They snipe like his grandparents.
It's not that Hayden's watching them all the time, or every day, he's just curious. He's got his mates and his brother, but they don't act like Jude and Ewan, and every time Jude catches Hayden watching them -– him -- he just smirks like he knows something Hayden doesn't. It's either that or he's trying to get in Hayden's trousers, but Hayden doesn't think he'd give it up to Jude, he doesn't seem like he'd be that good in bed. Too fey.
You know you need therapy when you start dreaming about your co-star fucking his best mate while you watch, and he's still making those fucking whooshing noises. Even in Hayden's dreams he can't escape the lightsaber thing.
According to Ewan, all lightsabers are inherently phallic. They're exceedingly long penises that men swing around so they can have dick-measuring contests.
The whooshing noises are substitutes for coming all over the place.
Hayden would agree, but he's too busy spewing up his morning coffee all over Jeannie's make-up table. It makes it kind of hard to talk.
There's a tree by Ewan's trailer that's forever dropping acorns and sap and leaves all over the place. Hayden likes the tree, not because it's by Ewan's trailer, but because it's got these huge roots that are good for sitting between and reading or sleeping or whatever. He's totally going to the tree when he overhears a conversation that goes something like this:
Jude: How do you do it?
Ewan: I'm not drunk enough for whatever you're on about, mate.
Jude (completely ignoring Ewan's attempt to change the subject): I mean, even on film, it's obvious you're great in the sack. Is it in your hips, what're you doing with your hips that I'm not? Where'd you learn it?
Ewan (guileless): Learn what?
Jude: That thing you do. Don't give me that look with the, 'What the fuck are you on about now?' face. You know what I'm getting at, McGregor.
Ewan: Ooooh, surnames now, Mr Law?
Jude: Fuck off. Seriously, how do you do that thing where you make your cock look about a foot long? I'm thinking it's got its own agent at this point.
Ewan: Obviously it's got it's own representation -– me.
Jude: So, what you're saying is, I'm doomed.
Ewan: Until your ego stops eating Tokyo.
There was some other stuff, but Hayden misses it because Ian and Sam come out of the costume trailer around the same time, and he has to stop loitering under Ewan's open window.
He tries very hard not to freak out later on when Jude mentions that he's got leaves in his hair
There's a point to all this, Hayden knows there is. He just has no idea what the fuck it is -- but when he finds out, he hopes that it'll come with a translator so he can figure out Jude Law too. Hayden's not used to anybody flirting with him so openly. He'd feel more impressed if Jude didn't flirt with everybody else too. Ewan doesn't seem to mind though, in fact, it's almost like he encourages it. At least Hayden thinks he does until the day that Jude railroads him between make-up and wardrobe and snogs about two hours of make-up off Hayden's face.
Jude's kisses are light and fluttery, and they're good, experienced and refined, but Hayden wants something else. Something a bit coarser. He's just reaching out to see if he can fix things when Jude pulls back, eyes bright and piercing.
Jude's got these little frown lines across his forehead, and he winks at Hayden. "Just checking out the merchandise, first," he says cryptically, wiping discreetly at the corner of his mouth before walking away. "Caveat emptor."
Jude leaves on a Tuesday. On Wednesday morning they're back to shooting fight scenes and making the whooshing noises. On Thursday, Hayden comes back from shooting scenes with Natalie to find Ewan asleep in his trailer. Rather than disturbing him, Hayden goes to take a shower, and he's just pulling on his favorite greying X-Games tee shirt when the door to the bathroom opens with a whooshing sound.
Ewan's hair is everywhere, and he's got sleep lines on his face from Hayden's sofa. He blinks rapidly in the fluorescent lights, and Hayden leans over and kisses Ewan on the mouth before he can think too much about it.
"I got tired of waiting for you," he says, turning off the bathroom and stepping into the trailer.
Ewan just yawns. "Yeah, Jude said that might be the case."
-end-
The E&J madness is a spin-off from
ethrosdemon's brilliance, and we all have spicedrum to thank for typing up the Rolling Stone interview where Hayden talked about he and Ewan making the flipping whooshing noises and George telling them to knock it of. What? They totally started it. After reading that article, K and I made a deal that she would write about the missing pants and I would write about the noises of doom.
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Date: 2005-06-08 12:27 am (UTC)That would be very fucking funny, I whole-heartedly agree. Also, don't worry about the fangirlishness. Every day I yell at