![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveThere is nothing like waking up and realising it's Friday. Bless Friday.
Inspired by something I saw this morning and the madness that is![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ethrosdemon. For the record, really not giving a shit if you're not feeling the RPS.
Star Wars RPS/X-over madness
Hayden/Ewan, Hayden/Ryan Atwood, Viggo/Orlando, Hayden/Ryan Gosling, Hayden/Jude Law
Five Things That Never Happened to Hayden Christensen
1.
Hayden's knuckles were so swollen from practice that he couldn't even make a fist. He fumbled with the fastenings on his jeans and cursed loudly when he couldn't get them undone. He would never hear the end of it if he pissed on himself, and he really had to go, this was just a disaster waiting to happen. He started at the knock on the door of his trailer, and before he could protest, Ewan was inside.
"Bad time, mate?" Ewan's amusement was evident as he studied Hayden, his fingers tangled in his waistband. "Wouldn't want to interrupt quality wanking time or anything."
Hayden scowled. "My hands are all swollen because someone kept trying to beat me over the head with his lightsaber, and I had to defend myself. I don't know what kind of frustrations you've got going on, but don't take them out on me."
Ewan snickered. "I can still use my hands, unlike some people. I don’t think I'm one the one who's frustrated, sweetheart."
Hayden glowered in an attempt to cover up the flush he could feel creeping up from his chest. Ewan calling him 'sweetheart' always made his body do strange things -- if getting a hard-on could be considered a strange thing. The fact that he needed to use the bathroom as well had his body confused.
"Instead of insulting me, how about giving me a hand?" Hayden gritted out.
Ewan grinned.
Hayden hated it when Ewan grinned like that.
"Anything for the Dark Lord," Ewan said, striding across the trailer. Hayden stumbled backwards as he realised that Ewan was serious. He hit his head against the wall at the same time that he figured out that he had no place left to go. "I was just-–"
Hayden bit down on his tongue as Ewan batted his hands away from his jeans. "Don't interfere with a professional," Ewan leered, deftly unbuttoning Hayden's jeans without looking down at what he was doing.
Hayden swallowed and averted his eyes. Ewan was entirely too close and entirely too married to be so far in Hayden's space. Hayden tried to breathe through his mouth, but Ewan was redolent of sweat and soap and coffee. Hayden bit his tongue to suppress a moan.
"Hayden."
Hayden turned his head to meet Ewan's eyes and winced. His knees gave out slightly when Ewan tugged his jeans down over his hips a bit. "I, ah, I've got it from here," Hayden said weakly. "Thanks."
"Wouldn't want leave you in the lurch or anything." Ewan winked before stepping away.
Ewan was practically out the door before Hayden's mind had processed what had happened and why it was over, but he called over his shoulder, "It doesn't matter how pretty you are, sweetheart, I'm still a married man."
2.
Hayden squinted behind his sunglasses and shifted in his seat. The pounding California sun was going to turn him into sunburned wreck, and he'd bitch for weeks. Ryan would just give him that look and say nothing. He hated it when Ryan went all Dark and Silent on him. Yes, it was his own fault for not putting on more sunblock, but Hayden hated sunblock. It clogged his pores. Plus, it was only ten o'clock in the morning, but it was about ten thousand degrees. He could feel the sweat pouring down the nape of his neck from the cheap, polyester graduation robe.
One hundred thousand dollars in college tuition couldn't even buy you a decent cap and gown.
He straightened his mortarboard so people could see the intricately constructed message taped on it. Will Build for Money.
It was hot. Too fucking hot, and their commencement speaker was late, not that Hayden was surprised. He'd heard those Hollywood-types were huge flakes. "Doesn't the rest of the world graduate inside?" he whispered to the person next to him. Ryan Atwood didn't respond, but Hayden got an elbow in his ribs for his complaining.
"Smile and wave," Ryan said between clenched teeth.
"You've got to be kidding me," Hayden said, smiling in the direction Ryan pointed. "We're the size of cockroaches from where they're sitting. They're not still taking photographs are they?"
"Clearly you haven't spent enough time with the Cohens." Ryan waved and Hayden did likewise.
"They're your family."
"Yes, but they're going to be yours too, soon."
Hayden turned his smile up another notch and directed it towards his boyfriend. "And they're cool with the whole working and fucking thing?"
"As long as it doesn't interfere with building that new complex," Ryan said.
Hayden pretended to be offended. "You mean they didn't hire us as architects for our good looks?"
"They hired me for my good looks," Ryan said. "You, they hired, because you're sleeping with me."
Hayden sighed dramatically. "I'm offended, Ryan. I didn't have to sleep my way to the top; I could've been a huge movie star you know."
Despite the sunglasses Ryan wore, Hayden knew he was rolling his eyes. "Right, you could've been the next Ewan McGregor."
It was Hayden's turn to elbow Ryan. "You never know."
There was a deafening roar of feedback from the stage, and Hayden directed his attention towards the dais where the deans of the various school were sitting in the shade. The girl in the row ahead of them had the worst dye job he's ever seen. Her roots made his teeth hurt. "Do you think-–"
He cut his question short when the Dean of the UCLA school of Architecture cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen and the Class of 2010. It's now my pleasure to present to you one of the world's most renown architects, Brad Pitt."
3.
Hayden leaned back against the railing, closed his eyes, and took another drag of his American Spirit cigarette. He loved Cannes, but it was always a brutal experience. The press and the people and the screenings -- and then again with the press. He wasn't necessarily hiding from the insanity, but he really needed a fucking break.
The European press were relentless –- they made the American paparazzi look like school kids. He'd heard last night that one of them had been caught trying to scale the walls of his hotel.
Hayden had some experience with craziness, but this was something else.
They'd been promoting Batman Begins for a month now, and all he really wanted was some peace and quiet. And to get laid.
When this was all over, he was going to get on his bike and get the hell out of town. Maybe take a trip around the world or something. He would ring Jude and see if he was game. Ever since Sadie had done that crazy reality show, Adrenaline, Jude had been dying to one up her. Hayden would've preferred to take Ewan for obvious sex-related reasons, but Ewan was off singing his heart out on stage. It was cute... in a worrisome way. Hayden couldn't have some crazy fruit as a boyfriend; he would have to steer Ewan towards something manly for his next film, something with lots of killing involved.
"Appreciate the sun now, little brother. When the ozone is gone, you won't be able to do this." Hayden opened one eye and stared at his companion. Viggo was puffing away on his cigarette as though it were the last thing between him and certain death.
Hayden knew the feeling. If his ex had suddenly shown up at his screening, he would've been a bit unsettled too. Of course, chain smoking was as unsettled as Viggo would ever get. They had spent three months training for Batman in Tibet, and the entire time Hayden hadn’t seen Viggo lose his cool once.
He made a wicked Ra's Al Ghul.
"Yes, Master," Hayden quipped, taking another drag.
Viggo opened his mouth to say something, but they both turned when the doors to the balcony slid open and a third party joined them. "You're not welcome out here," Hayden snipped.
Viggo shot him a look of disapproval as he stubbed out his cigarette. "Forgive Hayden's manners," he said as he got to his feet. "Sometimes he forgets that he's not Bruce Wayne."
Orlando Bloom looked from Hayden to Viggo and back again. "So you're with him now?" he asked curiously.
Hayden made a derisory noise. "If he were, he'd be better for it. You sure as hell didn't appreciate him."
"Shut up!" Orlando snapped. "You don’t know the first thing about what Viggo needs."
Hayden tossed his cigarette over the side and hoped there was no one below. "And you do?" he said, wiping his hands on his jeans and standing up straight.
Hayden had a good five inches on Orlando Bloom, and he was feeling the effects of being separated from Ewan. He had plenty of energy to spare, and if he couldn't fuck it away, fighting would work too. All those months of training had to be good for something.
That slippery little shit wasn't worth the money he spent on hair gel, how Viggo had fallen for him in the first place was the greatest mystery ever. Up there with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
"If you want to have a go, mate, just try it." Orlando took two steps towards Hayden and stopped, his chest puffed out and his jaw set in a firm line. Hayden snorted. Hayden had seen five year-olds who were tougher.
Viggo stepped between them, his hands up. "Violence isn't the answer, especially over me," but Hayden ducked around him.
"Your talents lie in blow-jobs and looking pretty; you couldn't act your way out of a paper bag," Hayden said, looking down the end of his nose at Orlando. "You're not worth my time."
He didn't even see Orlando swing, but he saw Viggo catch Orlando's fist with the flat of his hand. "Leave him alone, Orli."
"Oh, so you're siding with him now?" Orlando's eyes flashed brightly, but Hayden just rolled his eyes. Orlando was older, but he acted like a child.
"Viggo, I'm going to go back inside with the talented people, now, feel free to join us whenever. You though," he said, directing his words at Orlando and wrinkling his noise. "You can leave at any time."
4.
It was freezing in the conference room. Hayden rubbed his bare arms and wondered why the hell he hadn't brought in his jacket. He'd been in enough studios and offices to know that they kept the air conditioning on year-round, yet he was consistently freezing his ass off and forever running outside for a smoke break because they wouldn't let him smoke indoors during meetings.
He bet they didn't make Jude smoke outside, and then he promptly pushed that thought from his mind. Thinking about ex-boyfriends who were dating vapid starlets never put him in a good mood, but at least he had this film. Jude had practically forced him to do it, and he was almost grateful.
This film was going to establish him as a real actor, no more wooden dialogue and petulant teenagers. He was going to be a cowboy, a real fucking cowboy.
A really fucking gay cowboy.
He was going to win an Oscar for this.
Hayden had read Brokeback Mountain at least sixteen times. It was one of his favorite short stories, and he thought Annie Proulx was a goddess. After reading The Shipping News he had wanted to be a journalist, but working on Shattered Glass was as close as he'd ever come.
He smiled up at the PA who set a bottled water down by his right elbow, and flipped through the script again. Pretty much everyone was there: Ang Lee, the director, and Michelle Williams, who was going to play his wife. He'd never met Anne Hathaway before, but she'd smiled at him from across the table and it seemed like a good sign.
Apparently they were just waiting on his love interest, who was running late for whatever reason. Hayden listened distractedly to the people on his left, who were whispering quietly about something that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with George Clooney picking up rentboys on Sunset Boulevard.
The low hum of conversation abruptly died off, and when Hayden looked up he found himself being considered by a scruffy young man with huge blue eyes. The entire table stood up, and Hayden watched as people hovered around Ryan Gosling, hugging him and smiling and patting him on the back. Hayden didn't mean to stand-up as well, Ryan wasn't royalty or anything, it just sort of happened.
As Ryan moved closer, Hayden darted his tongue across his dry lips and blindly reached out for his bottled water. His fingers slipped on the damp, plastic surface as Ryan stopped at the empty space on his right. Hayden smiled brightly, his heart beating an erratic tattoo in his chest. He was going to spend the next four months with this guy -- six weeks of learning about living in the wild, and two and half months of filming.
Hayden reached out to shake Ryan's hand, and instead stumbled slightly as Ryan grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward into a brutal kiss.
Hayden heard a faint gasp from his left, but he paid no attention. Ryan's lips were soft and dry, and Hayden made a noise when Ryan's fingers slipped into his hair and tugged it slightly.
When Ryan pulled back, Hayden shook his head dazedly, and they both turned at the sound of clapping on their right.
"Well, it’s good to see you boys have chemistry," Ang said, grinning broadly at their intimate clench. "Now let's see what else is going to happen in this film besides you two making out a lot."
5.
Hayden's tie was going to choke him. He could feel the tension in his jaw as he smiled broadly for the cameras. "You owe me so bad," he said to Natalie through clenched teeth as the press whooped and hollered and called their names.
"I'm taking you to the premiere of my movie that has Clive Owen and Jude Law having sex," Natalie said, grinning even as she squeezed his hand until he could barely feel it. "If anybody owes anybody, it's you who owe me. You can't keep sitting around the house, pining and brooding just because your boyfriend was a shit. There are lots of eligible men in Hollywood, maybe you'll meet one tonight."
Hayden offered Natalie his arm, and they proceeded up the red carpet, coming to a stop just outside the entrance of Mann's Chinese Theatre because there was a jam of bodies ahead of them. Hayden leaned down and whispered in Natalie's ear. "The only men I'm going to meet tonight are escorts, waiters, and old, nasty executives who can't keep their hands to themselves."
"That reminds me," Natalie whispered back, "make sure to steer clear of Kevin Spacey, if he's here."
"Why?"
"He's lech –- JUDE!" Natalie's whisper ratcheted up several decibels, and Hayden winced as his ears rang.
"I think you made me deaf," he protested as Natalie dragged him several feet and then flung herself at a slender young man in an exquisite Gucci suit. Hayden was too busy tugging on his earlobe to pay much attention to what Natalie was saying, but she seemed very happy to see Jude Law, and judging by the way Jude was grinning at Natalie the feeling was mutual.
If Hayden were anything beside an escort, he supposed now would be a good time to be jealous, but he didn't feel like playing it straight today. He looked around aimlessly as Natalie and Jude chattered on, and he only turned his attention back when Natalie tugged on the hem of his suit jacket. "Hayden... Hayden... I want you to meet someone."
Instinctively Hayden held his hand out to Jude, only to have Natalie bat it away. "Not him, he's taken. Ewan -– I want you to meet Ewan."
Hayden looked down at his date blankly and then back up at Jude Law, but where Jude had been by himself there was now a ruggedly handsome man with reddish-blonde hair. "I know who you are," Hayden said, smiling easily for the first time that evening. "You're the guy who turned down the Obi-Wan role."
Ewan shrugged and grinned. "I was busy at the time; the Force wasn't calling me loudly enough."
"That's too bad," Hayden said, unable to tear his eyes away from Ewan McGregor. "I'm sure you would've been great."
Ewan winked at him. "Yeah, well, maybe I'll show you my lightsaber later on, and you can judge for yourself."
-end-
You guys have no idea how much fun I had writing this.
Dedicated, as always, toethrosdemon, with a few shout-outs here and there.
AN: I think everybody knows about Brokeback Mountain by now, yes? A gay film I didn't make up this time! Gotta keep you lot on your toes.
Inspired by something I saw this morning and the madness that is
ethrosdemon. For the record, really not giving a shit if you're not feeling the RPS. Star Wars RPS/X-over madness
Hayden/Ewan, Hayden/Ryan Atwood, Viggo/Orlando, Hayden/Ryan Gosling, Hayden/Jude Law
1.
Hayden's knuckles were so swollen from practice that he couldn't even make a fist. He fumbled with the fastenings on his jeans and cursed loudly when he couldn't get them undone. He would never hear the end of it if he pissed on himself, and he really had to go, this was just a disaster waiting to happen. He started at the knock on the door of his trailer, and before he could protest, Ewan was inside.
"Bad time, mate?" Ewan's amusement was evident as he studied Hayden, his fingers tangled in his waistband. "Wouldn't want to interrupt quality wanking time or anything."
Hayden scowled. "My hands are all swollen because someone kept trying to beat me over the head with his lightsaber, and I had to defend myself. I don't know what kind of frustrations you've got going on, but don't take them out on me."
Ewan snickered. "I can still use my hands, unlike some people. I don’t think I'm one the one who's frustrated, sweetheart."
Hayden glowered in an attempt to cover up the flush he could feel creeping up from his chest. Ewan calling him 'sweetheart' always made his body do strange things -- if getting a hard-on could be considered a strange thing. The fact that he needed to use the bathroom as well had his body confused.
"Instead of insulting me, how about giving me a hand?" Hayden gritted out.
Ewan grinned.
Hayden hated it when Ewan grinned like that.
"Anything for the Dark Lord," Ewan said, striding across the trailer. Hayden stumbled backwards as he realised that Ewan was serious. He hit his head against the wall at the same time that he figured out that he had no place left to go. "I was just-–"
Hayden bit down on his tongue as Ewan batted his hands away from his jeans. "Don't interfere with a professional," Ewan leered, deftly unbuttoning Hayden's jeans without looking down at what he was doing.
Hayden swallowed and averted his eyes. Ewan was entirely too close and entirely too married to be so far in Hayden's space. Hayden tried to breathe through his mouth, but Ewan was redolent of sweat and soap and coffee. Hayden bit his tongue to suppress a moan.
"Hayden."
Hayden turned his head to meet Ewan's eyes and winced. His knees gave out slightly when Ewan tugged his jeans down over his hips a bit. "I, ah, I've got it from here," Hayden said weakly. "Thanks."
"Wouldn't want leave you in the lurch or anything." Ewan winked before stepping away.
Ewan was practically out the door before Hayden's mind had processed what had happened and why it was over, but he called over his shoulder, "It doesn't matter how pretty you are, sweetheart, I'm still a married man."
2.
Hayden squinted behind his sunglasses and shifted in his seat. The pounding California sun was going to turn him into sunburned wreck, and he'd bitch for weeks. Ryan would just give him that look and say nothing. He hated it when Ryan went all Dark and Silent on him. Yes, it was his own fault for not putting on more sunblock, but Hayden hated sunblock. It clogged his pores. Plus, it was only ten o'clock in the morning, but it was about ten thousand degrees. He could feel the sweat pouring down the nape of his neck from the cheap, polyester graduation robe.
One hundred thousand dollars in college tuition couldn't even buy you a decent cap and gown.
He straightened his mortarboard so people could see the intricately constructed message taped on it. Will Build for Money.
It was hot. Too fucking hot, and their commencement speaker was late, not that Hayden was surprised. He'd heard those Hollywood-types were huge flakes. "Doesn't the rest of the world graduate inside?" he whispered to the person next to him. Ryan Atwood didn't respond, but Hayden got an elbow in his ribs for his complaining.
"Smile and wave," Ryan said between clenched teeth.
"You've got to be kidding me," Hayden said, smiling in the direction Ryan pointed. "We're the size of cockroaches from where they're sitting. They're not still taking photographs are they?"
"Clearly you haven't spent enough time with the Cohens." Ryan waved and Hayden did likewise.
"They're your family."
"Yes, but they're going to be yours too, soon."
Hayden turned his smile up another notch and directed it towards his boyfriend. "And they're cool with the whole working and fucking thing?"
"As long as it doesn't interfere with building that new complex," Ryan said.
Hayden pretended to be offended. "You mean they didn't hire us as architects for our good looks?"
"They hired me for my good looks," Ryan said. "You, they hired, because you're sleeping with me."
Hayden sighed dramatically. "I'm offended, Ryan. I didn't have to sleep my way to the top; I could've been a huge movie star you know."
Despite the sunglasses Ryan wore, Hayden knew he was rolling his eyes. "Right, you could've been the next Ewan McGregor."
It was Hayden's turn to elbow Ryan. "You never know."
There was a deafening roar of feedback from the stage, and Hayden directed his attention towards the dais where the deans of the various school were sitting in the shade. The girl in the row ahead of them had the worst dye job he's ever seen. Her roots made his teeth hurt. "Do you think-–"
He cut his question short when the Dean of the UCLA school of Architecture cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen and the Class of 2010. It's now my pleasure to present to you one of the world's most renown architects, Brad Pitt."
3.
Hayden leaned back against the railing, closed his eyes, and took another drag of his American Spirit cigarette. He loved Cannes, but it was always a brutal experience. The press and the people and the screenings -- and then again with the press. He wasn't necessarily hiding from the insanity, but he really needed a fucking break.
The European press were relentless –- they made the American paparazzi look like school kids. He'd heard last night that one of them had been caught trying to scale the walls of his hotel.
Hayden had some experience with craziness, but this was something else.
They'd been promoting Batman Begins for a month now, and all he really wanted was some peace and quiet. And to get laid.
When this was all over, he was going to get on his bike and get the hell out of town. Maybe take a trip around the world or something. He would ring Jude and see if he was game. Ever since Sadie had done that crazy reality show, Adrenaline, Jude had been dying to one up her. Hayden would've preferred to take Ewan for obvious sex-related reasons, but Ewan was off singing his heart out on stage. It was cute... in a worrisome way. Hayden couldn't have some crazy fruit as a boyfriend; he would have to steer Ewan towards something manly for his next film, something with lots of killing involved.
"Appreciate the sun now, little brother. When the ozone is gone, you won't be able to do this." Hayden opened one eye and stared at his companion. Viggo was puffing away on his cigarette as though it were the last thing between him and certain death.
Hayden knew the feeling. If his ex had suddenly shown up at his screening, he would've been a bit unsettled too. Of course, chain smoking was as unsettled as Viggo would ever get. They had spent three months training for Batman in Tibet, and the entire time Hayden hadn’t seen Viggo lose his cool once.
He made a wicked Ra's Al Ghul.
"Yes, Master," Hayden quipped, taking another drag.
Viggo opened his mouth to say something, but they both turned when the doors to the balcony slid open and a third party joined them. "You're not welcome out here," Hayden snipped.
Viggo shot him a look of disapproval as he stubbed out his cigarette. "Forgive Hayden's manners," he said as he got to his feet. "Sometimes he forgets that he's not Bruce Wayne."
Orlando Bloom looked from Hayden to Viggo and back again. "So you're with him now?" he asked curiously.
Hayden made a derisory noise. "If he were, he'd be better for it. You sure as hell didn't appreciate him."
"Shut up!" Orlando snapped. "You don’t know the first thing about what Viggo needs."
Hayden tossed his cigarette over the side and hoped there was no one below. "And you do?" he said, wiping his hands on his jeans and standing up straight.
Hayden had a good five inches on Orlando Bloom, and he was feeling the effects of being separated from Ewan. He had plenty of energy to spare, and if he couldn't fuck it away, fighting would work too. All those months of training had to be good for something.
That slippery little shit wasn't worth the money he spent on hair gel, how Viggo had fallen for him in the first place was the greatest mystery ever. Up there with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
"If you want to have a go, mate, just try it." Orlando took two steps towards Hayden and stopped, his chest puffed out and his jaw set in a firm line. Hayden snorted. Hayden had seen five year-olds who were tougher.
Viggo stepped between them, his hands up. "Violence isn't the answer, especially over me," but Hayden ducked around him.
"Your talents lie in blow-jobs and looking pretty; you couldn't act your way out of a paper bag," Hayden said, looking down the end of his nose at Orlando. "You're not worth my time."
He didn't even see Orlando swing, but he saw Viggo catch Orlando's fist with the flat of his hand. "Leave him alone, Orli."
"Oh, so you're siding with him now?" Orlando's eyes flashed brightly, but Hayden just rolled his eyes. Orlando was older, but he acted like a child.
"Viggo, I'm going to go back inside with the talented people, now, feel free to join us whenever. You though," he said, directing his words at Orlando and wrinkling his noise. "You can leave at any time."
4.
It was freezing in the conference room. Hayden rubbed his bare arms and wondered why the hell he hadn't brought in his jacket. He'd been in enough studios and offices to know that they kept the air conditioning on year-round, yet he was consistently freezing his ass off and forever running outside for a smoke break because they wouldn't let him smoke indoors during meetings.
He bet they didn't make Jude smoke outside, and then he promptly pushed that thought from his mind. Thinking about ex-boyfriends who were dating vapid starlets never put him in a good mood, but at least he had this film. Jude had practically forced him to do it, and he was almost grateful.
This film was going to establish him as a real actor, no more wooden dialogue and petulant teenagers. He was going to be a cowboy, a real fucking cowboy.
A really fucking gay cowboy.
He was going to win an Oscar for this.
Hayden had read Brokeback Mountain at least sixteen times. It was one of his favorite short stories, and he thought Annie Proulx was a goddess. After reading The Shipping News he had wanted to be a journalist, but working on Shattered Glass was as close as he'd ever come.
He smiled up at the PA who set a bottled water down by his right elbow, and flipped through the script again. Pretty much everyone was there: Ang Lee, the director, and Michelle Williams, who was going to play his wife. He'd never met Anne Hathaway before, but she'd smiled at him from across the table and it seemed like a good sign.
Apparently they were just waiting on his love interest, who was running late for whatever reason. Hayden listened distractedly to the people on his left, who were whispering quietly about something that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with George Clooney picking up rentboys on Sunset Boulevard.
The low hum of conversation abruptly died off, and when Hayden looked up he found himself being considered by a scruffy young man with huge blue eyes. The entire table stood up, and Hayden watched as people hovered around Ryan Gosling, hugging him and smiling and patting him on the back. Hayden didn't mean to stand-up as well, Ryan wasn't royalty or anything, it just sort of happened.
As Ryan moved closer, Hayden darted his tongue across his dry lips and blindly reached out for his bottled water. His fingers slipped on the damp, plastic surface as Ryan stopped at the empty space on his right. Hayden smiled brightly, his heart beating an erratic tattoo in his chest. He was going to spend the next four months with this guy -- six weeks of learning about living in the wild, and two and half months of filming.
Hayden reached out to shake Ryan's hand, and instead stumbled slightly as Ryan grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward into a brutal kiss.
Hayden heard a faint gasp from his left, but he paid no attention. Ryan's lips were soft and dry, and Hayden made a noise when Ryan's fingers slipped into his hair and tugged it slightly.
When Ryan pulled back, Hayden shook his head dazedly, and they both turned at the sound of clapping on their right.
"Well, it’s good to see you boys have chemistry," Ang said, grinning broadly at their intimate clench. "Now let's see what else is going to happen in this film besides you two making out a lot."
5.
Hayden's tie was going to choke him. He could feel the tension in his jaw as he smiled broadly for the cameras. "You owe me so bad," he said to Natalie through clenched teeth as the press whooped and hollered and called their names.
"I'm taking you to the premiere of my movie that has Clive Owen and Jude Law having sex," Natalie said, grinning even as she squeezed his hand until he could barely feel it. "If anybody owes anybody, it's you who owe me. You can't keep sitting around the house, pining and brooding just because your boyfriend was a shit. There are lots of eligible men in Hollywood, maybe you'll meet one tonight."
Hayden offered Natalie his arm, and they proceeded up the red carpet, coming to a stop just outside the entrance of Mann's Chinese Theatre because there was a jam of bodies ahead of them. Hayden leaned down and whispered in Natalie's ear. "The only men I'm going to meet tonight are escorts, waiters, and old, nasty executives who can't keep their hands to themselves."
"That reminds me," Natalie whispered back, "make sure to steer clear of Kevin Spacey, if he's here."
"Why?"
"He's lech –- JUDE!" Natalie's whisper ratcheted up several decibels, and Hayden winced as his ears rang.
"I think you made me deaf," he protested as Natalie dragged him several feet and then flung herself at a slender young man in an exquisite Gucci suit. Hayden was too busy tugging on his earlobe to pay much attention to what Natalie was saying, but she seemed very happy to see Jude Law, and judging by the way Jude was grinning at Natalie the feeling was mutual.
If Hayden were anything beside an escort, he supposed now would be a good time to be jealous, but he didn't feel like playing it straight today. He looked around aimlessly as Natalie and Jude chattered on, and he only turned his attention back when Natalie tugged on the hem of his suit jacket. "Hayden... Hayden... I want you to meet someone."
Instinctively Hayden held his hand out to Jude, only to have Natalie bat it away. "Not him, he's taken. Ewan -– I want you to meet Ewan."
Hayden looked down at his date blankly and then back up at Jude Law, but where Jude had been by himself there was now a ruggedly handsome man with reddish-blonde hair. "I know who you are," Hayden said, smiling easily for the first time that evening. "You're the guy who turned down the Obi-Wan role."
Ewan shrugged and grinned. "I was busy at the time; the Force wasn't calling me loudly enough."
"That's too bad," Hayden said, unable to tear his eyes away from Ewan McGregor. "I'm sure you would've been great."
Ewan winked at him. "Yeah, well, maybe I'll show you my lightsaber later on, and you can judge for yourself."
-end-
You guys have no idea how much fun I had writing this.
Dedicated, as always, to
ethrosdemon, with a few shout-outs here and there.AN: I think everybody knows about Brokeback Mountain by now, yes? A gay film I didn't make up this time! Gotta keep you lot on your toes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:13 pm (UTC)You do realize you've half-ruined Brokeback Mountain for me now right? I never knew the day would come when I'd be pissed that all I got was naked Heath/Jake action.
Also, KEVIN SPACEY! *dorks out*
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:00 pm (UTC)My work here is *so* done. Also, speaking of Mr Spacey, did you read
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:25 pm (UTC)"Appreciate the sun now, little brother, when the ozone is gone, you won't be able to do this."
Hee. And the thought of Hayden and Ryan Gosling is far too hot. *fans self*
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 08:47 pm (UTC)"I know who you are," Hayden said, smiling easily for the first time that evening. "You're the guy who turned down the Obi-Wan role."
I sort of saw that coming, and yet it hurt just a bit. Gah.
Also, Orli challenging someone to a fight is the funniest thing ever.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 08:49 pm (UTC)But then I remembered the rest of the stories and I'm better.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 09:14 pm (UTC)hee! It's always the funny line that gets me.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:07 pm (UTC)*sigh* Mine too.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 10:04 pm (UTC)*friended you last week, and have so not been disappointed!*
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:09 pm (UTC)The screen. En fuego. The audience. On the floor. Yes, I think that would be an excellent idea, don't you? :)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:12 pm (UTC)*taps foot impatiently* Well? I cannae do it all myself you know. I mean I could, but that's not nearly as much fun as harassing other people.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 12:09 am (UTC)Um, have hot monkey sex? Is that an option?
Ewan winked at him. "Yeah, well, maybe I'll show you my lightsaber later on and you can judge for yourself."
Best ending line Ever. I heart you.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:14 pm (UTC)Um, have hot monkey sex? Is that an option?
Amen. Lots of hot monkey, graphic sex. And then they should put all the takes on the DVD. They should have a whole second disc devoted to the making-of-the-sex-scenes. Yis.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 12:29 am (UTC)Hayden made a noise when Ryan's fingers slipped into his hair and tugged it slightly.
Oh yes, it did.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:15 pm (UTC)I agree. Whole-heartedly.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 01:52 am (UTC)Seriously, though, I'm now picturing Ryan Gosling doing the beckoning thing in a cowboy hat and jodphurs. Mmmm. You're too good to me.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:16 pm (UTC)I don't know, these things just create themselves in my mind. Seriously. No, really. Also, dude, Ryan Gosling doing the beckoning thing in some dirty jeans and a white tee shirt.... uh.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 02:09 am (UTC)(: heee! <3
"Yeah, well, maybe I'll show you my lightsaber later on, and you can judge for yourself."
This is it. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:17 pm (UTC)This is it. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I think the other people I'm married to might take issue with that, but we can be 'good friends' ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 02:13 am (UTC)You know, I friended you a while ago because a friend of mine had recommended Trade, but I was going to Europe and I had finals and bla-de-fucking-blah I was stressed out so I didn't. But now I have the urge to read everything you've written. I think I just might actually. You rock.
Thanks for this. It's fantastic.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:18 pm (UTC)Should you undertake that brave mission, I wish you the best of luck ;) I'm glad you enjoyed this, thanks!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 02:53 am (UTC)Wicked good, full of left turns and things I completely didn't expect - I'm not surprised it was fun to write, it was pretty damn fun to read too. :D
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 03:39 am (UTC)"Anything for the Dark Lord," Ewan said...
I would bet real money he's actually said this. Probably not in this particular context, but still.
one of the world's most renown actors and architects, Brad Pitt."
Ha! Judging from the GQ interview, he's moved on from Arts & Crafts to the Bauhaus movement. It's a completely different vernacular than whatever Ryan and Hayden are building for the Newport Group.
Your talents lie in blow-jobs and looking pretty; you couldn't act your way out of a paper bag," Hayden said, looking down end of his nose at Orlando. "You're not worth my time."
Oh, so you *want* me to become your devoted IntarWeb stalker? That's the only way to explain your inclusion of the above. Oh my GOD I am going to fall on the floor laughing.
"Well, it’s good to see you boys have chemistry," Ang said, grinning broadly at their intimate clench. "Now let's see what else is going to happen in this film besides you two making out a lot."
*dies*
*still can't believe Sandra Bullock gave up Gosling for a greasy motorcycle builder*
Ewan winked at him. "Yeah, well, maybe I'll show you my lightsaber later on, and you can judge for yourself."
...And we come full-circle to something else Ewan has totally, completely said in real life even if I can't prove it.
Awesome, excellent, smashing, etc. You should have fun like this more often. *g*
*scurries off to re-read*
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:21 pm (UTC)Ha! Judging from the GQ interview, he's moved on from Arts & Crafts to the Bauhaus movement. It's a completely different vernacular than whatever Ryan and Hayden are building for the Newport Group.
Are you telling me you actually know about this architecture business, because if you do, you realise I will begin picking your brain relentlessly, right?
*still can't believe Sandra Bullock gave up Gosling for a greasy motorcycle builder*
I saw thank God, just leaves more for the rest of us. I mean I wouldn't dare, but there's just no accounting for some people.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 03:46 am (UTC)Ha! Yes, I did! But you are very cheeky.
They were fabulous. Fab. U. Lous.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:23 pm (UTC)Ha! Yes, I did! But you are very cheeky.
:D I am thinking on another one, oh yis.... Not that I really have to since Ryan and Ewan made that film together and it sounds full of student/teacher relations, but still...
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 04:21 am (UTC)Thank you. :D You write such tasty crack. Its no wonder you have so many customers!
<3
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 04:48 am (UTC)*guh* I love Ewan most when he's being so cruel.[I also refuse to believe there was never a time when Ewan helped Hayden undo his fly ... hmm.]
Brokeback Mountain!Ryan Gosling. You made two of my greatest weaknesses an entity. I might pass out.
Great work :)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:24 pm (UTC)Ewan is a very helpful man, you know. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 05:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 06:28 am (UTC)and have my babies plzkthx. <3 And I have this strange urge to listen to Billy Joel's Piano Man whenever reading your fics. >>; I think I'm becoming delusional. In the best way possible, though.Um, yes, anyways, brill, fabulous, keep it up, thanks. :D
no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:28 pm (UTC)I'm so pleased that you've been enjoying these stories so much. It's always nice to hear that people enjoy my writing.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 08:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 09:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-20 08:29 pm (UTC)Me too. I was mentioning to someone above that perhaps it would be for the best if Brokeback Mountain was remade, even though it's not out yet. And then they could remake it every year, again.