hackthis_archive | KC - Like Bundt Cake

First of all, can we just say false alarm on the Kitchen Confidential business? It's not on hiatus permanently, just during the next three weeks while FOX airs baseball playoffs, like the rest of FOX's shows.

Now, speaking of KC, the following snippet was inspired by my ignorance of bukkake. I like to think I know a little bit about a little bit, but on this particular subject I didn't know squat until

serialkarma pointed me to

estrella30's discourse on bukkake, which somehow lead us all here, to celebrate our non-cancellation.

Kitchen Confidential
Jim, Seth, Jack, Steven, Cameron

Like Bundt Cake

Maybe it was because he was the new kid. Or maybe it was because he'd become a dishwasher's bitch only to be bought by Seth for a hot dog, but Jiminy Christmas, Jim just didn't understand what all the fuss was about. "Okay, can you explain something to me?" asked Seth during a lull in orders.

Seth looked up from sorting raspberries. "If you don't know how to tie your shoes by now, there's nothing I can do for you."

Jim smiled broadly. "Seriously, could you just tell me what bukkake is? Is it like bundt cake, because Steven was talking about -–"

Jim paused when Seth squashed a handful is raspberries all over the countertop. "Did you just -– you didn't just -– you," Seth sputtered for several seconds, smearing raspberries all over his white jacket.

Jack materialized from nowhere, club soda and lime in hand, because obviously that's was what chefs did. Seth waved him over, sputtering and grabbing his throat like he was choking.

Jack took a sip of his soda and lime. "Seth, I told you to leave the melodrama for the heath inspectors, you don't have to practice for me."

Seth continued to flail, and Jack frowned. "What's wrong with him?" he asked Jim, fishing his lime out with two fingers and tossing it next to the smeared raspberries.

Jim just shrugged. "I dunno; I asked him if bukkake was like bundt cake, and he just started -–"

Jim stopped talking when Jack spewed club soda all over him. "Okay, that's the second time this week!" Jim stomped his foot and then wiped his face, but Jack was too busy laughing to notice.

"Did you just compare bukkake to BUNDT CAKE?" Seth had regained his ability to speak, which was good for Jack, as apparently he'd lost his. "Someone please come rescue me from Jim's stupidity; I think we're all drowning here."

This was obviously Steven's cue to open the door of the walk-in and walk out. Jack stopped laughing long enough to eye his soux chef suspiciously. "What's down your pants, Steven?"

"Just the usual, cupcake," Steven said cheekily. "You want to have a looksee?"

"Maybe some other time," said Jack.

"Steven, what's bukkake?" Jim interrupted desperately. It was clear that there was something big he was missing, like with spanking the dishwasher, but he couldn't figure out what it was.

A look of shock managed to flit its way across Steven's face for two whole seconds. "So, you want to know about bukkake, my son? Follow me to the walk in, and –"

"Over my dead body," Jack retorted, setting his soda and lime down and crossing his arms.

"No!" Seth interrupted. "No necrophilia! Keep the bodies out the kitchen; we've talked about this before. No fucking near the deep fryer, and no dead bodies in the serving area."

Jim furrowed his brow. "So, it's not a cooking thing?"

Steven laughed. "Well, it could be, but I reckon that would be more of a special occasion thing, wouldn't it?"

Jack shook his head. "Steven, NO!"

How Steven managed to look innocent and so devious at the same time, Jim didn't know. "The boy wants to know about bukkake, Jack. It's part of the chef's code to share your knowledge with the younger Jedi."

"He is not a Jedi," Seth interjected.

"I am too," Jim protested. "I have a lightsaber and all."

"You want to have a look at mine?" Steven asked, all irreverence.

"No, Steven," said Jack.

Steven gave Jack a saucy grin and unbuttoned his chef's jacket. "Well, then, maybe you should look at my Chef's Code -- that I just happen to keep down my trousers."

Seth covered his eyes. "Oh my god, the health inspectors are going to shut us down forever. Maybe they're hiring at Dunkin Donuts."

Everyone turned when Cameron came flying through the kitchen doors. "Where the hell's the dark chocolate mousse and raspberries for table seven?" he hissed. "I don’t have all day, girls."

"Hey, Cameron," Jim hollered. "What's bukkake?"

The entire kitchen fell silent, which was a new experience for Jim. Even when he was sleeping on the sofa, he could hear reverberations of people yelling about cutting off their fingers.

Cameron narrowed his eyes. "Oh, that's right, ask the gay guy all the dirty questions. Well, let me tell you something, straight boy, you wouldn't know good bukkake if it slapped you in the face in thirty below zero."

"Wouldn't it be a bit cold for all that in thirty below?" Steven asked randomly. "I wouldn't think the trajectory would be good at all. Probably freeze before you'd got your rocks off."

Cameron shot Steven a dirty look, but turned his wrath on Seth instead. "You, Mister Pastry Chef, you better get your pasty poufy ass moving unless you want to entertain table seven with your bukkake skills, you got it?"

Seth swallowed as Cameron spun on one heel and left the kitchen. "This is all your fault," Seth snapped at Jim after Cameron was gone. "I'll get you for this, and your little dog too."

"Okay, enough bestiality talk," Jack said, coming to Jim's rescue. "Seth, make some mousse, and Jim, here's bus fare, go over to the library and look up 'bukkake' on-line. You'll find out everything you could want to know."

Jim nodded his head. "Thanks, Jack."

Steven's smile was all teeth. "No, really, mate, thank you. I think I know exactly what Jack's going to be doing for tonight's special now."

As Jim walked off, he caught Seth sticking his fingers in his ears and singing 'Lalalalalalalagoingtojaillalalalala."

Overall, it was a day just like any other at Nolita, but what Jim really wanted now was some bundt cake.

-end-

For those who don't know, bukkake is when you, or you and several of your mates, ejaculate on someone's face. Yes, really.

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