hackthis_archive | KC - All the Straight Boys Are Doing It

Sod's Law says that I will post this tonight and everyone will read it and not my HP story. Typical.

Kitchen Confidential
Dedicated to

zeplum,

serialkarma and

issaro
Cameron, Chloe, Jack, Steven, Seth, Jim

All the Straight Boys Are Doing It

"Gaydar Rule #1," Cameron announces, meeting up with Chloe by Table 4. "Everyone is gay until proven otherwise."

"You don't mean everyone," she says dubiously. "Do you?"

Cameron gives her the smile he gives his mom when she asks how his dating life is. "Everyone. Except you, of course, and most of the straight girls out there"

"Are you sure your gaydar isn't, like, a little off or something?"

Like most straight girls, Chloe assumes that Cameron comes with a built-in gaydar just because he's gay, but she is so wrong. Cameron has a gaydar because he's fabulous; being gay is just a by-product, at least that's what his sister says, so obviously he has to set Chloe straight.

Not in the literal sense though.

"Oh, contraire, mon petit fag hag," Cameron says, swinging wide of Table 2 where Mrs Rothstein has had too much Bordeaux and keeps pinching his ass. "I don't know where you straight girls get this idea that we all come with gaydar."

Chloe rolls her eyes as she beelines for the kitchen. "I don't know whatever gave me that idea, Mr I Know Everyone Who is Gay, Was Gay, or Even Thought About Being Gay in the 4th grade."

Cameron clucks his tongue. "You'll give yourself crow's feet if you keep up with all that beady eye business," he says causing Chloe to almost run into the kitchen door in alarm.

He's hard on her heels, however, and powers them both through the door directly to the serving area where Jack has Jim kneeling in front of his crotch. Cameron can see the small dust pan, but pinches Chloe when she stops dead in her tracks. "Jacknjim?" she hisses between clenched teeth, while deftly picking up Table 8's orders.

"Not even, pop tart," Cameron says cheerfully snatching up Table 16's escargot.

"But look at them," Chloe insists.

Jack is ruffling Jim's hair, and from the back it looks like Jim's about to blow Jack in front of everyone. If Jim had a tail, it would be wagging. There's a slight ping, but it's all on Jim's side as far as Cameron can tell.

"Sorry, sweetie." Cameron swings back through the door that hasn't even fully stopped from their entrance. "I'm afraid that puppy's barking up the wrong tree."

Chloe's right behind him, carrying a fish ragout and an orange-glazed salmon. She pretends not to notice the drippy banker from Goldman Sachs who's hanging around the bar again. "The idea of Jim barking up Jack's anything is entirely too disturbing. Jack should be tattooed with a Biohazard sign on his forehead."

"Right," Cameron says with a laugh. "Like you wouldn't blow him on Table 8 if he asked."

"Less talking and more serving," Mimi says, materializing out of nowhere to appear behind them. Cameron gives her the same smile he gives the Mormons when they ask him if he's considered their religion. If she wasn't the boss' daughter, he'd also tell her what he tells the Mormons -- that he likes dick more than he likes God.

"That's the kind of girl that gives bitches a bad name," Cameron says thoughtfully before going off to see about the pneumatic model and her meat-headed boyfriend at Table 16.

*

Seth is bent over the pastry table, his ass high in the air, with Jack right behind him. Chloe is shocked, at least that's what Cameron thinks that noise she's making is about. He hopes it's not her orgasm noise, because even when you're faking it, you shouldn't sound like someone stepped on your tail.

"Gaydar Rule #3," Cameron says, grabbing her elbow and steering her clear of Jim tying Ramon's shoelaces again. "Gay is as gay does."

"Jack's gay for Seth?" Chloe hisses, scowling at the leer Ramon is shooting her way.

"Sadly, no," Cameron chuckles. "I don't think Jack's boyfriend would like that."

They both turn to look back. Seth is wriggling his ass like a Chippendale working for the last of the rent money –- but he's totally focusing on this tiny pastry in front of him, and clearly he has no idea that Jack is brazenly staring at him.

Chloe whispers, "Gaydar Rule #3? What was #2?"

Jack only stops staring when Steven passes by and smacks his ass, hard. "Keep your eyes in your head, cupcake."

"Sexual harassment in the workplace!" Jack hollers.

Jim looks up and over at them. "I thought the chain of command said Steven couldn't do that."

Seth doesn't even glance up from his pastry. "Jack is the chain of command, Hot Dog, so that means whatever he doesn't mind, you don't mind either. Have you finished tying Ramon's shoeslaces?"

Jim looks like someone just took away his lollipop, and Cameron almost feels sorry for him. It's hard being the newbie. Especially when you've walked into the gayest kitchen north of Soho. It's cute and all, but Cameron has a life outside this particular gay mecca.

"Princess, where's my dessert for Table 14?" Cameron snaps at Seth. "If that crème brulee is cold brulee, you're going to –"

"Cameron, less fabulousness and more serving," Jack chides, pointing to the eggplant for Table 3.

Cameron gives him the evil eye. When Jack's dick shrivels up and falls off, Cameron's just going to laugh and laugh, much like he is now with the look on Steven's face.

"Uh uh," Steven snaps his fingers. "No you di'nt."

Jack just rolls his eyes. "That goes for you too, Princess Steven, less with the fabulous and more with the cooking."

Cameron just purses his lips. And his friends say he's too gay.

*

At some point in the evening, Pino comes to the restaurant. Cameron doesn't know this because he sees Nolita's owner, or because Pino actually addresses him at any time, which is fine, because whatever, Cameron's just a waiter. He doesn't need some old, rich -- really rich -- sugar daddy.

Oh, who is he kidding? Cameron would totally suck off Pino for a Rolex or a trip to St Kitts, or he would, in theory, if Mimi weren't Pino's daughter.

Cameron can bitch with the best of them, but she just -- no Rolex is worth her.

So, Cameron doesn't pay any attention to Pino or Mimi, since he's trying to get the number of the hockey player at Table 11. He's not into hockey or anything, but Mr Hockey Hottie seems to know how to use his stick, and Cameron is okay with that, until Chloe totally cockblocks him by grabbing the arm of his shirt and dragging him towards the bathrooms.

"I was totally in there, what do you think you're doing?" Cameron complains.

"He's straight; he did Tracey last night, that's why he's here."

Cameron is too shocked to answer -- for two seconds. "Maybe he's bi."

"Bi whatever," Chloe says, waving at her face like it might improve matters or something. "I am totally scarred for life."

Cameron doesn't think now is the time to remind her that she was born that way. "What's wrong now?"

"I just saw Pino kiss Jack on the mouth," she says gasping in a way that totally reminds Cameron of Greg the fish. "I think -- I think -- I totally think they broke my gaydar."

Cameron hasn't laughed this hard in a long time. "Sweetie, calm down," he says, patting her on the arm. "Pino's not gay, he's Italian."

Chloe looks dubious. Cameron waves her off. "Trust your fairy godfather on this one. If Pino's gay then Tom Cruise is straight."

Chloe's forehead wrinkles in confusion. "Tom Cruise is straight?"

Cameron snickers. "No, sweetie, not even on the Scientologists best day."

*

Chloe's waiting in front of the restaurant when Cameron comes out. She's smoking a clove and looking like someone just ran over her cat. Cameron supposes that's how anyone would look after their boyfriend's dumped them for another guy, so Cameron won't ask her for her ex's number until next week.

"Okay, I give up," she says, ashing her clove and giving Cameron a wry grin as he links their arms for the walk to the subway. "If Jack's not doing it with Seth or Jim or Pino that only leaves –"

Chloe stops dead. "Jack and Steven?"

Cameron gives her his toothy smile. The one that says this is all not business.

"You're joking," she sputters.

"You don't believe me?" he says, dragging her to the mouth of the alley behind Nolita. "Look for yourself."

Jack and Steven are loitering outside Nolita's back door; there is nothing explicit or gay or particularly well-lit about them. There's light from the opened back door, but nothing is happening. Steven is smoking and Jack is looking upwards, at what Cameron can only guess since the sky is pretty much blocked out on all sides by buildings. Eventually Steven finishes his cigarette and stubs it out on the wall, and Chloe whispers. "This is the straightest thing I've seen all night, really. Your gaydar is totally –"

Her sentence gets caught around the same time that Steven grabs Jack's crotch and kisses him on the mouth. Cameron thinks Steven's technique leaves a little something to be desired -- like style.

It takes Cameron five minutes to drag Chloe away, and by then the show, and the hand job, are over. "How did you know that was going to happen?" she asks incredulously, tripping over her own heels.

"Gaydar, sweetie," Cameron says, patting her arm. "Well, that and the fact that Jack was wearing this Ode to the Queen tee shirt that Steven was wearing last night."

Chloe laughs. "Stop lying. Really?"

"I don't even think it's been washed."

"Oh, now that's just nasty."

Cameron snorted. "It's totally a myth that all gay men have style. We're not all born fabulous, you know. Some of us don't even wash every day, actually I think that's Gaydar Rule #2: gay men are just straight boys who like dick."

-end-

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