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Dear Retailers:

Why the fuck is everything OUT OF STOCK? How do you call yourselves retailers if you've not got anything to sell?! When I am queen I'm just going to use my death ray and blowup all of your establishments, especially you Dooney & Bourke! Who does their holiday shopping in advance? I mean seriously? Who knows what the fuck to get people in September?

Be on alert,
me

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Dear family,

On my behalf,

issaro drafted this letter:

Dear Family-

I tried to buy you the perfect gift but it was out of stock/unavailable. So I tried to buy you the second bestest gift but it was sold out. So I tried to get you any old thing but there was none to be had. A conspiracy of this magnitude could only be orchestrated by The Man - by which I mean Santa. And who am I to go against the wishes of the Man?

Here's your piece of coal.

Merry XMas!
me

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Dear flist,

I was going to post music for you today, but I am too busy having a fit to do so. Please accept this raincheck. Also, should anyone be able to produce the Gary Lightbody/ Thom Yorke/ Damon Alban Make Trade Fair adverts my day would improve greatly.

Regards,
me

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Dear THE MAN:

Damn you.

Save the empire,
me