hackthis_archive | RPS - This One Time When I Was a Superhero

Brandon Routh as Supes is hotass. The Scariest Man™ ever (Christian Bale) as Bats is sadly hotass too. When you put them together that's like overkill.

Entourage /RPS/F -- Ari FUCKING Gold. Brandon Routh. Lloyd. George Clooney. For

issaro and

serialkarma who provided the photo and for

vylit because this isn't the Johnny Cash story I promised her, but all I've got.

No superheroes were harmed in the making of this fictitious story.

This One Time When I Was a Superhero

The whole Gay!Superman starts with George, because everything in Ari's life is about George and making George happy -- unless it's about making Mrs Ari happy. Or making his kids happy –- except for letting his daughter date that thuggish little shit from Young 21 Jump Street, because there is no way in hell he's getting near her again. Ari will cut off his balls and staple them to the wall first.

Who cares if the kid probably hasn't even hit puberty yet?

*

Actually, this isn't about George at all. At least not at first. It's more about the prestige factor and the gay rumors, because there are rumors, and then there are Rumors, and Ari has yet to hear reports of somebody sucking Bryan Singer's dick and it not being true. It's not that Ari wants Superman to suck his cock -- that's why he has Mrs Ari -- but considering that Superman used to be a Supernobody, Ari's betting he's gotten really good at giving head to somebody. Plus, it would be kind of poetic if Ari represented Aquaman and Batman and Superman.

Hell, at the rate Ari's going, the people at DC Comics/Time Warner would be better off just giving him his ten percent directly.

*

It's really the photograph of Superman and Christian Bale that does it for Ari, because a) it's really fucking gay, and b) George has been kind of miserable since Bradley and the Anti-Christ popped out the Golden Child and c) the only thing better than signing Brandon Routh would be signing Brandon Routh and hooking him up with George.

*

Ari's first conversation with George about the Superman thing goes something like this:

"G-Money, baby, I have good news for you."

"Ari, I've told you a thousand times that you are not allowed to put out a contract on Brad."

"You never let me have any fun, you know that, right?"

"Ari."

"Okay, okay, seriously, enough about the Strap-On King, let's talk about Superman."

"Okay, I already did the superhero thing, you do remember that fiasco called Batman & Robin, right?"

"It paid for that little movie called Good Night, Good Luck, didn't it? So shut your million-dollar mouth and let me talk. You've played the superhero, but have you had a superhero? No, I don't think you have. I think I'm going to sign Spandex Man and get you laid -– he'll be your personal Jesus."

"Ari."

"Superman, baby, he's Supergay –- BOOM! I love it."

"No, Ari."

"I can't hear you, G-Money, it must be a bad connection. Oh, look I'm driving into a tunnel -– we're breaking up—-"

"There are no tunnels in L.A., Ari. Ari? ARI!"

*

The fastest, most proper route to getting to Superman is through his agency -– but Ari has never done anything properly in his life, and this is why he has gold and other people smoke their shit with aluminum foil. Two weeks before Superman Returns opens, Ari starts his campaign by scaring the shit out of Lloyd. He's sitting at Lloyd's desk when Lloyd comes in at 8:03 Friday morning, and Lloyd, like all of Ari's minions, freaks out and spills his Starbucks all over the place

"Who the hell is this ass monkey?" Ari says, pointing to a headshot Lloyd has taped to his cube wall. "He's too pasty for you, you need someone less Twinkie and more Ho-Ho."

Lloyd glares and goes back to wiping the coffee off the side of his desk. "Ari, please go away."

Ari's smile is all teeth. "Brandon Routh. Who represents him? Where does he get his drugs? Who does he fuck, but more importantly, who's fucking him? IMDB me."

Lloyd is Ari's assistant for a reason. He doesn't even hesitate when he says, "Brandon Routh. Born in 1979. Iowa. Ex-Model who was on One Life to Live for a bit. Most recently represented by IMTA."

Ari's eyebrow rises of its own accord. "IMTA? What the fuck is that? I Might Take it in the Ass?"

Lloyd sighs. Ari rubs his hands together gleefully. There's nothing like steamrollering an agency and leaving the wreckage all over Wilshire.

*

Ari's first phone call with Brandon Routh goes a lot like this:

"Brandon, baby, this is Ari Gold, do you know who I am? Of course you do, everybody knows who I am. Nuns in Wisconsin know who I am, because I represent everybody you want to fuck: George Clooney, Sharon Stone, Vinnie Chase -– did I mention I represent George Clooney? I know you love him, everybody loves him -- more importantly, everybody wants to fuck him. I can make that happen for you -- I want to add you to my roster. It would be a beautiful thing; I could make you a rich man. I could make the gay rumors disappear like Nicole Richie's body fat --"

There's a long pause down the line. "Um, I have an agent," Not-so-super-smart-man says.

Ari sniggers. "No, baby, you have a trained circus seal, you need a shark."

Brandon's quiet again, and Ari waits for three whole seconds. "Brandon, talk to me, I can get you the best of everything that you corn-fed Iowa boys dream about. I have Heidi Fleiss on speed dial, she's got girls and boys and in-betweens. I can make Christian Bale's wife disappear; I got Jake Gyllenhaal his current shirt-lifter. Think about it. We'll have lunch."

"But, but, but—"

Ari hangs up first. Never give them a chance to say "no."

*

"Brandon has a girlfriend named --," Lloyd says helpfully as Ari steam rolls in the Monday after Superman Returns opens. Overall, the numbers are good, but Brandon Routh is no Vince, and that's where Ari is going to slither in and make himself at home. Well, he's not going to slither so much as he's going to knock the door down and stomp all over the fuckers at CAA who are, apparently, trying to get in there first.

Ari scoffs openly. "Listen, Tinkerbell, in this town everybody's gay until proven otherwise."

Lloyd narrows his eyes. "That's so stereotypical of you, Ari."

Ari begins reciting names by rote. "John Travolta. Tom Cruise. Ellen DeGeneres. Dozy Rosie. That guy on that FOX show. Ryan Murphy. The entire cast of Will & Grace. Everybody represented by ICM--"

"Fine, fine, fine," Lloyd says waving him off.

"At least I'm not homophobic," Ari calls over his shoulder as he heads for his office.

"No, you’re the best fag hag ever," Lloyd snarks back.

"Oooh, Lloyd, it burns," Ari says gleefully.

"I told you to get that checked out," Lloyd calls after him.

*

Ari's second conversation with George about Brandon goes like this:

"George, I know you're screening your calls, so if you don't pick up this receiver right now I'm going to leave a message with the editor at People that you're interested in coming out, and they need to bump the story of Jake and Austin adopting a baby from Chile to next week's edition." Pause. "God fucking damnit, George, I'm trying to get you a new toy boy, and okay, so he's not Anderson, but at least you can train him. Hell, I'd set him up with Lloyd, but he's too pretty for Lloyd. Don't tell Lloyd I said that. George? George? You fucking cocksucker -- Beep."

*

Ari's third conversation with George about Brandon goes like this:

"I can't believe your fucking answering machine cut me off, meet me for lunch next Tuesday at Matsuhisa."

*

Ari's second conversation with Brandon goes like this:

"Brandon, baby, it's Ari. I told your agent that if he tried to get between us I was going to cut off his balls and hang them from my rearview mirror. There's someone I want you to meet, we're having lunch next Tuesday at Matsuhisa. If you stand me up, I will make sure that you're back in Iowa tipping cows by Christmas."

*

Ari is excited, and when Ari is excited bad things happen to other people in the world. This does not bother him in the slightest. He told George was going to sign Superman, and with Heidi Fleiss as his syphilitic witness, he will fucking sign Superman. Even if he has to whore George out to get the job done.

*

Ari really does mean to make his lunch at Matsuhisa. He just kind of doesn’t go. Shit happens. Just look at Hilary and Chad

*

Ari and Mrs Ari have a meeting with their therapist. Ari hates their therapist. He hates that he's too afraid of his wife to tell her where to put their therapist, too. But more than that he hates that Mrs Ari takes away his cell phone during the meetings with the therapist. You have one itty bitty meltdown the day Aquaman opens, and you never hear the end of it. At least, now, Ari has a legitimate reason for not taking the call from the other Mrs Ari though.

George's tone does not sound very pleased with Ari in his first message. It goes something like, "Where the fuck are you, Ari? Why am I the only one on time?"

George's second message says, "Ari, why the hell am I having lunch with Brandon Routh? If you're doing what I think you're doing I'm going to call Page Six and tell them all about your crush on Matt and about the time you serenaded him drunk on the Syriana set."

George's third message is all indecipherable cursing. The words "cocksucking motherfucker" and "fired" are pretty prevalent.

George's fourth message is nothing but white noise.

Ari is only marginally concerned. Okay, maybe moderately concerned.

*

The last time Ari did anything above 70mph on a L.A. street was the day his eldest daughter was born. He dinged two parked cars and possibly hit a pedestrian to get to Cedars on time; today, he drives on the sidewalk trying to make it to Matsuhisa in the quickest time possible. He knows George and Brandon are probably long gone, but he has to make an effort. The last time George left that many messages on his cell phone was the day that Angie announced to the world that Brad had knocked her up, and that was only a couple weeks after Matt had announced that he'd knocked up his beard too. It was a hard time for George. He kind of cracked up a bit.

*

Ari's a little freaked out when he gets back to the office. He's run six red lights, given $300 to the valet at Matsuhisa for running over his foot, called George eight times, and cursed at Mrs Ari by mistake. He's never going to get laid again. He's also pretty much in Defcon mode now, and he's spitting orders before he's even got the door open to the office.

"LLOYD! Call Pat, call Phil, call Oprah, Ellen, the FBI and Ted over at E! Call anybody who can tell me where the fuck George is right now," he barks, dashing down the hall, running over two underlings, kicking the mail clerk in the shin and bowling into his office

"Ari, wait—"

Lloyd's voice doesn't penetrate Ari's conscious until Ari realizes that George is in his office with Brandon Routh, and they're practically in each other's laps on his sofa.

"Huh," is the only thing that comes out of Ari's mouth as George looks up from where he's showing Brandon something on a yellow legal pad.

"I never thought I'd see the day where you'd be speechless," George says dryly as Ari just stares. "First, the Oscars, and now this."

Ari's all about recovery though, and he reigns in his desire to leer at Brandon. "Condoms are in the desk," he says helpfully, "I'll just have my people call your people and tell them to go suck a dick, Brandon. Oh, and welcome to the Gold family," he adds, backing out and closing the door with him.

Lloyd is standing in the hallway with his arms crossed, and Ari doesn't even realise he's kissed Lloyd until he's dancing his way down the hall to see Janette in Contracts.

Other people can only wish they had his superpowers.

--end--

Current Mood: cracking the fuck up
Current Music: Sufjan Stevens 'They Are the Night Zombies…'