hackthis_archive | As We Are, Or How Lloyd Saves the Day (Again)

Part I

Lloyd comes in late the next morning. He doesn't even call to say he's going to be late. It never even occurs to him to do so. Actually, that's not true at all.

What happens is that after Lloyd gets home from Spearmint Rhino, he has to take two Valium and call his best friend from college, Jason, to remind himself that even if Lloyd is surrounded by people in the closet that's not his problem and he doesn't have to beat his head against the wall, even though he really really wants to. He then calls his therapist, who talks him down from the proverbial edge even though it's one o'clock in the morning and all calls after hours are triple the going rate.

Ari's going to pay for that too.

It's three-thirty in the morning when Lloyd finally gets to sleep and then before he knows it his eyes are popping open because it's seven-thirty and he's normally in the car by now. It takes every ounce of willpower in his body not to run around the house screaming that he's late.

It lasts about fifteen minutes.

When Lloyd walks into MGA at 9am the office is already buzzing and well underway. Most agencies say they're open from 9 to 6, but really they're open from 8 to when the agent dies or is carted away by the men in white coats. There are assistants that Lloyd knows who bring in several days' worth of clothes every week knowing that the likelihood of them seeing the light of day if they're having a bad week -– or hell, even a good week –- is pretty damn small.

That's why the furniture in the lobby is so comfortable. A lot of the time it's more time efficient not to bother going home at all.

Lloyd can hear the phones ringing off the hook the minute he gets off the elevator, and instead of doing what he usually does and running down the hall to catch the calls and take over from his relief, he takes his time. Jane is sitting at his desk looking as though she's going to burst into tears any minute, and Lloyd stomps right past her into Ari's office.

"I hate you!" he announces even though Ari's on the phone.

Ari ignores him, and Lloyd raises his voice. "I hate you, Ari Gold, you have ruined my life forever! I think my gay is irreparably damaged, and I'm suing you for emotional distress and battery!"

Ari continues ignoring him. Lloyd has had it.

"THEY MADE ME GO TO A BREEDER STRIP CLUB! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HORRIFIED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" he howls, every nerve in his body shrieking and twitching at the indignity and shame.

"I'll call you back, George," Ari says to the person on the phone. "Lloyd is having a PMS moment."

Lloyd can feel himself shaking with the mortification of it all as Ari hangs up. He doesn’t even care that Ari was probably on the phone with his gay guru. "I hate you… I hate you… I hate you… " he keeps hissing.

Ari's grin is enormous as he folds his hands and rests them on top of the desk. "So you had a good time with Dumb and Dumber?"

"I want every Gay Pride off between now and the day you die!" Lloyd snaps.

"Okay, Tinkerbell, whatever you say," there's a pause before the grin slips from Ari's features. "So, are they on board or what?"

"If they're not I'll take out an ad in Playgirl with their cell phone numbers," Lloyd retorts tartly, turning on one well-shod heel to leave.

"That's what I like to hear," Ari calls after him.

Despite whatever Lloyd tells Ari, he's not really sure that Drama and Turtle will go back to Vince and ask him to call Ari. Actually, if they do, Lloyd figures it'll be a divine act by Bambi, the Goddess of Strippers and Silicon Breasts.

Well, Bambi and Xan, the God of Xanax and Assistants Everywhere.

Lloyd hits the talk button automatically when the phone flashes, but there's nobody there and it takes him a moment to realize it's his cell phone ringing not Ari's phone.

He doesn’t recognize the number, but that doesn't really mean anything these days. "Hello?"

"Lloyd?"

Lloyd vaguely recognizes the voice. "Um, that depends? Did we meet at the Abbey last weekend?"

There's moment of silence and then the guy starts laughing. "Lloyd, it's Eric Murphy."

Lloyd will not scream like a girl.

Lloyd will not scream like a girl.

"Eric, oh my god, I've been trying to get in touch with you for two weeks! Ari is desperate to talk to you! Where have you been? You didn't really sign with CAA did you? He'd be devastated! Oh my god, please don't tell me you did, don't make me have to break that news to him! I like my life. I like being alive. Do you know how freaked out he's been? Do you know how many times I've called? Your mailbox is full; you suck for not calling me back."

"Whoa, Lloyd, breathe."

Lloyd should take another Xanax; his therapist said they were only for high stress situations, but life with Ari is a high stress situation. "Okay, okay, um, how did you get my cell number?"

"Ari gave it to me when he was working out of the Coffee Bean on Robertson."

Ah, yes the days of one client, an office where you gave people quarters for the meter and the elevator never worked. Lloyd remembers those days – it seems like it was just last week.

It was probably just last month. "Oh, okay, I was just curious. Um, do you want to talk to Ari, please, Eric, for the love of my non-existent sex life, say yes."

"I want to have lunch."

"Really? I mean, oh my god, that's great! Where do you want to meet him? Name the place, and I'll get you two reservations for this afternoon."

"Not Ari -- you, Lloyd, I want to meet with you."

Lloyd is dumbfounded. "Me?"

"We're not ready to talk to Ari yet."

"But-–but--I can't-– Eric, assistants don't even eat lunch here."

"Lie to him. Tell him you have to go pick up condoms from the CVS."

"Excuse me?"

"Lloyd."

Lloyd can feel his hands getting clammy. He has to lie to Ari to go meet Eric who won’t even return Ari's phone calls. If Ari finds out he'll probably sneak into Lloyd's apartment in the middle of the night and superglue his asshole closed. "Why me?" he would keep the wheedling tone out of his voice, but secret covert stuff always makes him nervous.

Even now he can't hear the words 'tsetse fly' without needing to sit down and put his head between his legs.

"Because you're a good guy," Eric says. "Because I think I can trust you -- and because Drama and Turtle won't fucking leave me alone until I do. But if you tell Ari you're meeting me, we'll sign with Ari Emmanuel over at Endeavor just to spite him, got it?"

Lloyd exhales a shaky breath. He can call his therapist from the car. "Yeah, okay, I've got it."

"Good, I'll meet you at Pink's in ten minutes."

Lloyd wrinkles his nose. "I hate Pink's hotdogs."

"Too bad."

Sigh. "Fine."

Sometimes Lloyd really hates his job.

Lloyd thinks Eric Murphy's cute, but as far as he can tell it's kind of hard not to think Eric's cute – he's got that that short, capable, scrappy and cuddly thing happening.

Eric's not gay in the slightest, but Lloyd's pretty sure that for the right guy -– Vince –- Eric might change his mind. After all, Vince and Eric are the most married straight boys Lloyd has ever met. They bicker, they coddle, and they're even raising their knuckleheaded children, Turtle and Drama, together.

They're domesticated gay men, who just happen to like chicks, and since, Eric's started wearing suits and cleaning himself up, Lloyd's really starting to substantiate his own theory.

It's not that Eric's running around in Vivienne Westwood or hanging out at the Abbey, but he's been with Sloan long enough that Lloyd's starting to formulate beard theories. It's not that Lloyd doesn't like Sloan, she's adorable, but she's also the daughter of Terence 'I Eat 50 Agents for Breakfast and May Have Made Ari Gold Cry' McQuewick.

Lloyd's not sure about the crying thing, but if he had been Ari he would've cried, so.

Regardless of Sloan, the only person Eric ever seems to be with is Vince, and considering the way Vince has stopped fucking every starlet in town, Lloyd thinks he's noticing, but that could also be Lloyd making everyone gay.

Jason says he does that a lot. His therapist just laughs.

Normally, Lloyd would be embracing the gay and the cute, but today he's just trying not to run screaming onto La Brea in fear of Ari and get himself killed. "If Ari finds out I'm here, he'll fire me, sue me, and then he'll really make my life hell," he says joining E in the line at Pink's Hot Dog stand.

The line is only fifteen deep today, which is pretty fast for Pink's. Not that Lloyd eats hot dogs, because yuck, but you can't live in L.A. and not pass by Pink's and notice the masses hanging around even in 100 degree heat.

"Lloyd, you can do a lot better," Eric says, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "Why on earth do you stay with him? He's like an abusive husband."

He's wearing a fabulous blue Oxford shirt and grey suit jacket that might be Tom Ford, and Lloyd reminds himself that petting the client's clothing is a no-no. It's just that Eric's come so far from his tee shirts and jeans; Lloyd feels like a proud parent himself.

"Because," Lloyd says as though that explains everything, even as he looks up and down the line to make sure nobody's listening in. Paranoia is everything in L.A.

"Because?" E incredulous tone says it all.

"He's Ari, you can't expect him to be anybody but who he is."

"And who is he, exactly?"

"A chauvinistic, irritating asshole with no morals and no integrity."

"And this is a good thing?"

"Ari is like herpes: he's loyal, and he's really good at what he does, and once you have him, you're never getting rid of him."

Eric cracks up. "But you admit he's a chauvinistic asshole."

Lloyd scoffs openly. "And who isn't in this town? Racist, sexist, homophobic – if he's only a chauvinist I think I'll take my chances."

Eric sighs and Lloyd squints at his watch. He's already been gone fifteen minutes. Ari is going to have an aneurysm. "Besides, if I can make it work with him I can do anything with anybody."

"Yeah, but he's still a shit boss," Eric points out as they step forward in line. They're seventh now. Thank god this is going fast.

"But he pays well."

"Nobody pays that well," Eric points out.

Lloyd purses his lips. "Well, why do you keep working with Vince?"

Eric seems really taken aback, and Lloyd covers his eyes. "Forget I said that," he begs. "I've been infected by Ari's Tourette's -- he would kill me if he found out I offended you."

Eric doesn't seem to be listening. Lloyd can practically hear the gears turning in his head. "Because we're friends," he says after several moments. "Because I've known him since before I could even spell his name."

"Because he's Vince, and he's important to you, and he needs you."

Eric cocks his head to the side. He really is cute. And he's so gay for Vince. Lloyd would put money on it. "Yeah, okay."

"Well, Ari needs me too."

"Ari needs to be shot."

"No one's perfect."

Eric just sighs. They're next in line. "Tell me something I don't know."

It's on the tip of his tongue to tell Eric that Lloyd knows he's gay for Vince – he bets that would be something he didn't know.

"Did he tell you that he came to the house and we sicced Arnold on him?"

Lloyd can feel the incredulousness all over his features. "You what?"

Eric grins. "He didn't tell you that one, did he?"

When Lloyd gets back, Ari's stomping around his office, wearing his helmet and smacking himself on the head with a riding crop.

Lloyd has no idea where the crop came from; he doesn't even want to know.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Ari hollers when Lloyd sticks his head through the open door. "Did I say you could leave? Did I say you could breathe? If I don't give you permission to scratch your balls even though you have gonorrhea and they're going to fall off, then guess fucking what? YOU CAN'T! Got it? No Vince, no life. Now what about those three Swedish hookers I told you to get for Turtle and when are they going to the house?"

Lloyd rolls his eyes. "I'm working on it, they're having visa issues."

"Well, fix them," Ari says irritably, before turning away and going back to slapping things with his crop. Lloyd shakes his head and goes back to his desk, puts on his headset, and takes Ari's calls off of the forward to the mailroom.

E said to wait, so Lloyd waits.

And then he waits some more.

He has to go to the bathroom, but if he gets up to leave, it's guaranteed that –

And then his line rings. "Ari Gold's office, this –-"

"OMGLLOYDERICSHEREANDHEDIDNTBRINGVINCEBUTOMGHE'SHEREHE'SHEREHE'SHERE!!!!!" Renee from reception is talking a mile a minute and it takes Lloyd a few seconds to unscramble what she's saying. He really wants to scream along with her, but then Ari would get suspicious and he can't have that. So instead Lloyd thanks her, hangs up the phone, and pops a Xanax.

He's going to need it.

He counts to ten, and when he looks up, Eric is strolling down the hall, hands in the pockets of his suit, ruining the line, and a wry smile on his face. Everyone on the floor falls silent as he passes by.

That's power.

He pauses by Lloyd's desk, and he's just getting out the second 'l' in hello when Ari's voice rings through the wall and down the entire corridor. "PIZZA BOY! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? WHY DIDN'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS?! YOU SUCK SOMEONE'S COCK AND THEN THEY NEVER CALL YOU BACK! PLUS, YOU LEFT A LOUSY TIP!"

Ari materializes in his doorway, holding out his riding crop in welcome like the dominatrix from hell. Eric just raises an eyebrow. "Nice hat, Ari," he says of the army helmet.

Ari grins. "I bought if for you, baby, so that when we play rough my hair doesn't get messed up."

And just like that they're off and running.

Eric rolls his eyes as he goes over to Ari, and Ari's talking about hugging it out, and then there's the sound of the door snicking shut.

Lloyd desperately wants to turn around and watch what's happening behind him, but he's supposed to act like everything is normal, so he does what any other assistant would do: he rolls Ari's calls back to Jane and turns on the inter-office intercom so he can listen to what Ari's saying to Eric.

"—- donkey-fucking pedophiles at CAA!"

Lloyd jumps as something crashes in Ari's office, and he can only guess what the first part of that sentence was. He sends Ari calming vibes. Lots and lots of calming vibes. If he'd had more warning he would've offered Ari a Xanax too. "I'm here, Ari," Eric says. "If only to stop the harassing. If you keep this up, we're getting a restraining order."

Lloyd detects the slightest hint of amusement in Eric's voice.

"Eric, baby, haven't I been good to you guys? Haven't I done everything short of sucking off the head of Paramount for Drama? I took on Turtle when he couldn't pay somebody to return his fucking phone calls. And Vince -– I made Vince a star! He didn't even want to play fucking Fishboy! I had to beg! I had to get rid of the spandex – Eric for the love of every time I had to lie to my wife about how I wasn't taking a commission from you to feed our children -– don't sign with CAA. Give me another chance!"

There's this long pause. "I dunno, Ari. Vince is pretty pissed at you."

"E, you know you love me. What, do you want me to blow you right here to show my dedication? What's it gonna take to get you two to come back?"

"Oh, so now it's about the both of us? Before it was all about Vince."

"You know I love you, E! I'd leave my wife for you if you had a pussy! I would wear polyester for you! I would draw your name in sparkly hearts and wear it on a tee shirt at Spago if I thought that's what you wanted!"

When Lloyd says he thinks Ari's gay he means it metaphorically. Hearing the way he's talking to Eric though, he has to think twice. Not that he'd blame Ari –- Eric's adorable. Not Lloyd's type, but still adorable, and it's so quiet for so long that Lloyd has to turn around to see if they're having sex in Ari's office.

Sadly they're both still full clothed, but the helmet's gone, and Ari's on bended knee before Eric on the sofa.

And then it happens.

Lloyd never thought he would live to hear the day that Ari apologized to anyone and actually meant it.

That weekend, Lloyd has an appointment with his therapist, emergency Pomtinis with his friends, and a date with a boy he met at Whole Foods on Tuesday night. Lloyd doesn't usually go for the preppy type, they always seem a little repressed, and then you find out that they want to have sex wearing lacrosse helmets and knee pads or other kinky shit. Except that Brian seems kind of sweet, and he's dressed much nicer than Lloyd would have given him credit for based on his ratty cargo pants in the grocery store. He shows up wearing a tie, which never happens to Lloyd, and Lloyd's so excited that he makes a major gaff and mentions that he works for MGA.

And that's when the headshots come out.

Lloyd's so pissed off that he leaves in the middle of dinner.

He hates boys. They suck.

Lloyd thought after meeting with Eric, Ari would be less manic, but on Monday morning he's even worse. It's like he can smell the blood in the water, but Lloyd will not take Turtle and Drama out again.

"No, Ari."

"Come on, Lloyd, take one for the team!" Ari's sitting at his desk, practically twitching with energy, and Lloyd's had enough. For the last three weeks, Ari has made his life a special kind of hell, enough is enough.

"I've taken plenty for the team. All I do is take one for the team! My ass hurts I've taken so much, and what's the team done for me, apart from send me to therapy, talk shit about my parents, and ruin my sex life? Nothing, Ari! Not one fucking thing!" Lloyd's trying to keep the shrieking to a positive level, but sometimes Ari really gets on his last fucking nerve.

He doesn't even realize he's stomping his feet until Ari sniggers. "You're not serious are you?" Lloyd says suddenly. "You're just messing with me, because you have nothing to do and you have no one to play with."

"That's not true," Ari protests. "I do have someone to play with, but I didn't listen to the safe word last time, so Eric won't call me back. Until then I have to fuck with you."

Lloyd narrows his eyes. "I hate you, Ari Gold."

"Aw, baby, don't be like that," Ari calls as Lloyd stomps out of his office. "It'll be better when E brings Vince back! I'll get you the best male hookers Heidi Fleiss can buy!!"

It's on the tip of Lloyd's tongue to ask what Ari's going to do if Vince stays gone, but by the time he's walked the sixteen steps to his desk he's not nearly as angry as he was in Ari's office, and that's when it hits him, Ari's in a good mood. He's not nearly as fatalistic and homicidal. And the army helmet is gone.

Oh, thank God.

Ari's good mood lasts approximately two whole days. When Eric doesn't materialize with Vince by the end of the day on Wednesday, Ari's amiable mood evaporates into the ether and then he's back to the surly, pissy mood he's been in for the last sixteen days.

Lloyd can't live like this; it's time for drastic action, and this is how he ends up driving out to Vince's house himself. If someone had told him three years ago that he would be in a position to drive out to Vincent Chase's house and give him a what for, Lloyd would've thought they meant something sexual, but this is war, and damnit, Lloyd's not taking anymore.

Johnny Drama answers the door, and the smile on his face is enormous. "Lloyd, man, how's things? Ready to hit the strip club again? Turtle's at Hack's house, but he'll be back soon-—"

"Save it, Drama," Lloyd says brushing past him into the house. "Where's Vince? Enough is enough. Ari is ruining my fucking life. Vince has to come back right now -- before I choke Ari to death with my bare hands."

The foyer is huge, and the décor makes Lloyd's eyes hurt. The house has clearly been done by some female interior designer, it's got this weird sort of fake manly trendy thing happening. Lloyd hates it.

"Now, Lloyd, I know Ari can be difficult," Drama begins, and Lloyd reels for a moment over the gay vibes Drama's emitting, but he can't deal with him right now.

"Don't you patronize me, Johnny, I'm the one who put you in touch with Ed Burns." Lloyd can see the hurt flit across Drama's face and he's sorry, or he would be sorry if he'd had more than ten hours of sleep in the last week.

"Hey, Lloyd, take it easy," Drama holds up his hands, but Lloyd just glares. He can hear the TV coming from somewhere and he follows the noise down the hall and into the living room where the room is thick with marijuana smoke.

He can see two heads lolling against each other on the sofa, and he stomps past the pool table and around the sofa until he's blocking the plasma screen. He would be overcome with the gayness of Vince and Eric lying stoned on top of each other, but work comes first, he can clap his hands in gay victory later.

"Lloyd!" E says struggling to sit up, but Vince just smiles and nods his head the way he always does.

"Lloyd, what's up?" Vince drawls.

"Your time is up," Lloyd says snappishly to Eric. "You said you were going to talk to Vince; Ari is convinced you're bringing Vince back. He's talking to Hef about renting the Mansion to celebrate. Every fucking day it's all he can talk about -– he's like Angelina Jolie with a pet cause -- he's driving me crazy!"

E shrugs. "I can't make Vince do something he doesn't want to do."

"Bullshit!" Lloyd retorts. "And you," he says pointing at Vince, "Do you know how much you messed him up by leaving him?"

It's Vince's turn to shrug. "He didn't get it, Lloyd. I don't need a suit – I need a friend."

Lloyd throws his hands in the air. "Stop acting like you're Billy Walsh. Ari has done nothing but try for you, and you know that! He's apologized to everybody he can fucking think of to get your precious Ramones project back, but guess what, when you pissed in Alan Horn's pocket, he got upset! People do that! But if you're expecting anyone else in this town to work as hard for you as Ari has you're going to be disappointed – there is nobody who has your best interests at heart as much as Ari does!" Lloyd pauses as the amused look on E's face. "Except Eric."

"HEY!" Drama's voice calls from somewhere else.

"And Drama," Lloyd amends.

Vince gives him a lazy smile and Lloyd exhales through his nose. It's not sexy. Not really. Okay, maybe a little. Clearly this is why Vince is the movie star.

"Do you have anything else to say, Lloyd?" Vince asks curiously, and then it hits Lloyd what he's done. He's just chewed out Ari's golden boy.

Maybe CAA is hiring.

"I, um, no?"

And then Vince starts laughing. "'Lloyd, when did you become Mini-Ari?"

And Lloyd has to cover his face, because he's so embarrassed. "You don't know how I've suffered since you left -– he's lost his mind." He says lowering his hands. He really wants to tell Vince about the army helmet and the riding crop, but then he remembers the tsetse fly debacle. "He really misses you, Vince. I know how other agents are, and I know how Ari is with his other clients, but it's not like that with you."

"So everyone keeps telling me." Vince crosses his arms and slumps further into Eric's side. Eric's cheeks color slightly, and he has a defiant set to his jaw as though daring Lloyd to say anything.

Like Lloyd didn't know before.

He really wants to assure Eric that Ari's not trying to steal his man. At least not in the way Eric's thinking. "So, you'll take him back?" Lloyd might as well go for broke now.

Vince just raises an eyebrow. "We'll see."

Lloyd throws up his hands, again. "Okay, fine, I've done all I can. I have to go home and start trawling the UTA list for a new job."

"Lloyd," Vince calls as Lloyd's halfway out the room. "Don't look for a new job just yet, okay?"

Lloyd exhales. And then he exhales some more. "Okay!"

Nothing happens on Thursday morning.

Or Thursday afternoon.

On Thursday night Lloyd goes out with his friends, who he's only seen once in the last three weeks, and get smashed. Disappointment is easier to take with six Mojitos, the weekly soap party, and Kylie Minogue.

Friday morning nothing happens again.

Stupid Vince.

Ari is very Zen all day though, and Lloyd wonders if Mrs. Ari hit him with a horse tranquilizer in his sleep and he doesn't know it.

At three o'clock Ari emerges from the inner sanctum rubbing his hands and looking very pleased with himself. Lloyd is immediately suspicious. "Why are you happy?" he snaps, rolling another call to a MGA underling. "Nobody is allowed to be happy here. Everyone has to be miserable when you're miserable. My digestive system is all screwed up and my therapist is in Tahoe!"

Ari holds his hands together in some yogic pose. "Tinkerbell, you shouldn't be so stressed. I just talked to Paul Haggis and Benicio has gone into rehab for sex addiction."

Lloyd blinks. He thought that was something people only did in telenovelas. He's also distracted by Ari's phone, which is lighting up like glowsticks at a rave.

"Do you hear what I'm saying, Dim Sum? Medellín is back in Vince's court! Oh, yes, who's bringing home the gold now?!" Ari claps his hands. "Call Shortbread and tell him I've got something for Vinny."

"Eric's voice mail is full," Lloyd says stubbornly. It was the last time he called, that's close enough to the truth for him.

Ari scowls. "Well, try again!"

"I just fucking tried five minutes ago!"

Five minutes, five hours, five days, whatever. Lloyd's had it; he doesn't even care that the entire floor is probably listening to them.

"Don't go all Liza Minelli on me now, Lloyd," Ari snaps, "we're almost there, I can taste the blood in the water. Sharks don't bitch because somebody else got their seal first, they attack, so attack, goddamnit!"

"I'm not a fucking shark!" Lloyd yelps. "I don't like blood sports or water sports or whatever kinky shit you're up to, Ari!"

"Kinky shit, Ari? Wow, things have changed since I left."

Lloyd's almost afraid to turn to his left, because he knows that's Vince's voice, but if Vince isn't physically there, he'll probably burst into tears. Unless Ari beats him to it.

"Vince?" There's a note of hesitation in Ari's voice and then, like the shark he is, he attacks. "VINCE! I knew you would fucking come back! Lloyd was being a bitch about it, I think I shoved that dildo too far up his ass, but I knew you'd see that nobody gives better head than me, and I was right!"

Ari looks as though he's going to pass out, pee on himself, and hump Vince's leg all at the same time. Lloyd can feel the entire office watching them. He sits up a little straighter and smoothes out his tie.

Vince just smiles that lazy smile of his. "I missed you too, Ari."

Ari grins like it's his birthday, Hanukah and Opening Day all in one. "Let's hug it out," he says opening his arms wide.

Vince rolls his eyes when Ari embraces him; it's really endearing. Clearly Lloyd's been working for Ari for way too long, so instead he just observes.

Eric's standing slightly behind Vince, arms crossed in this really nice Gucci jacket. Lloyd can read the amusement written all over his face, and they ignore the excited whispering around the office. "All right, Ari, so I got him here, that doesn't mean we're back. You better have something worthwhile for us-—"

"Down, Cujo," Ari hasn't completely released Vince yet. He's like a child with his security blanket, but Vince doesn't seem to be complaining. "You know you're my number one chew toy."

Eric snorts. "Yeah, Ari, we get the message, so what've you got for us?"

"I have Jake Gyllenhaal as your new Ass Monkey -- BOOM! What do you think?"

Lloyd doesn't know what Eric thinks, but he may need to pull out his rainbow flag with all the gay vibes surrounding him right now.

"I thought Jake was doing Aquaman," Vince says sliding out from underneath Ari's hold and sidling up to Eric. Gay gay gay gay gay.

"It's not like Aquaman is the only superhero out there," Ari counters. "Besides, superheroes are so passé. It's all about the supervillains. Mr. Mxyplxy –- or whatever -– he's a Superman villain. They're talking to Darren Aronofsky about directing."

"I liked Requiem for a Dream," Vince says thoughtfully.

Eric snorts. "Yeah, you would. Heroin addicts chopping off their arms. Seriously, no more super crap, we need a real film."

Ari crosses his arms. "Well, I just got this script. Vinny plays a drug dealer. Pauly somebody. It's an indie thing, doesn't pay much, but you wanted to play a drug dealer, so."

"No," Vince counters, "not just a drug dealer. I wanted to play Pablo Escobar."

Ari cocks his head to the side thoughtfully. "Huh. Yeah, I think that's what Paul said he had open."

"Paul Haggis?" Lloyd didn't know Vince's voice could pitch that high. Clearly he's a better actor than Lloyd gives his credit for.

"I thought Benicio Del Toro was doing Medellín," Eric interrupts.

"He had to go give his dick a rest," Ari says easily. "And I will too if you don't stop sucking it, so seriously, I have a whole speech lined up for you-—"

Vince pats Ari on the shoulder. "How about you save the speech for another day and we go get some drinks at The Ivy instead, so you can show me off and I can get Ari Emmanuel to stop stalking me?"

"That half-assed excuse for agent, who'd sell his mother for a decent opening, and couldn't sign Joan Rivers if he promised her free plastic surgery for the rest of her life? If he comes near you again, let me know and I'll slit his throat and throw his dog in the Pacific."

Even Lloyd has to laugh at this.

"Whatever you want, you got it," Ari says clapping his hands together. "Let's get out of here. And you," he says turning to Lloyd, "you take a Valium or something and remove the butt plug that's been keeping you so tight lately."

Vince frowns. "Be nice to Lloyd, Ari, he's the one who convinced us to come back."

Ari arches an eyebrow. "He did, did he?'

Eric narrows his eyes at Ari. "Yeah, he did."

Ari throws up his hands. "Fine, I can take a hint. Take the rest of the week off, go take a shit and get some guy to suck you off in the bathroom at The Rainbow Room, and I'll see you on Monday."

When Lloyd glances at the clock it's 4:15. Theoretically he was going to be leaving at 6 anyway. "That's really generous of you, Ari," he says dryly.

"Hey, I can always chain you to your desk, slather you with honey and wait for the roaches to come, and then you won't be going anywhere."

Lloyd can take a hint. "Go away, Ari," he says waving the threesome off. "I'll see you on Monday. All of you," he adds.

"Whatever you say, Lloyd," Eric replies.

Lloyd smiles. "That's what I like to hear, can you teach that to his highness?"

"Keep laughing it up, Mulan," Ari tosses back. "I have the INS on speed dial."

Lloyd snorts. "Yeah, well, nobody's perfect."

Ari preens. "Except for me."

Lloyd just turns back to his computer, because he's worked too hard to get fired. He can see the real gold in his future, he's not about to go back to the imitation crap, now.

-end-

I remember when I used to write stories that were long if they were five pages. Damn.

Thanks to everyone who said they wanted to see this. I'm holding all you bitches to it.

This would not have been possible without the generosity of

slodwick, who is fabulous, and

serialkarma who knew exactly how this should go and had no compunction about telling me 'DO THIS NOW!'

Soundtrack for As We Are
Beck 'Last Night I Traded My Soul's Innermost for Pickled Fish'; D12 'My Band'; The Jam 'A Town Called Malice'; Jay-Z 'Hola Hovito'; Kanye West f/ Lupe Fiasco 'Touch the Sky'; Nirvana 'You Know Your Right'; Q-Tip 'Vivrant Thing'; Radiohead 'A Drunken Punch-Up at a Wedding'; Ray LaMontagne 'Shelter'; Regina Spektor 'Ghost of Corporate Future'; The Rolling Stones 'Satisfaction'; Soltero 'The Priest'; Steelers Wheel 'Stuck in the Middle With You'; U2 'Stay (Faraway, So Close)''

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: The Jam 'That's Entertainment'