hackthis_archive | Burn Notice - 18 and 5½ Lessons They Don’t Teach You In Spy School

Yesterday I posted I Could've Been an Actor, But I Wound Up Here, which is Peter/Nathan Post S1 speculation. It was originally 600 words, but wound up being 5000, sometimes it be that way.

I need to do something different today, mostly because I am homicidal and irritated. So. Inspired by the awesomeness of Matt Nix, the creator of Burn Notice, I dashed off this. You have no idea how much fun I had with this.

Burn Notice f/ Alias
Michael Westen/Julian Sark; Michael Westen/Fiona Glenanne

18 and 5½ Lessons They Don’t Teach You In Spy School

Spy school is a nice thing. It's cushy and air-conditioned and has four walls and a roof. At spy school there are no millipedes the length of your finger hiding in the corners of the nasty hovel with the leaking roof and the guy at the counter that keeps picking his teeth with a machete and has the local jefe on speed dial. Enjoy your time in spy school; learn how to blow up cars with bubble gum, a matchbook and a cell phone, or how to bribe officials in sixteen languages. These are things you're going to need to know, trust me, but there are a couple of things that they don't tell you in class. Things like this:

1. Your first assignment will scare the shit out of you. Literally. If you're lucky, when someone inevitably blows up something large and loud and scary right behind your back, you will only wet yourself. Most people aren't that lucky. Wear dark pants.

2. If you live long enough for it, your second assignment will be worse than your first. In fact, it'll probably make you yearn for your first assignment like a kid wanting his mother on the first day of kindergarten. I don’t know about the mom part, but I know about the yearning.

Oh, and you'll probably get shot, but it's better to get that out of the way early. Trust me. The longer you put off getting shot, the more it'll hurt when it does happen. And it will happen.

3. Being shot hurts. A lot. Don't listen to any of that macho bullshit. Imagine how badly it hurts when you slam your finger in the car door. Okay, now multiply that by infinity. That's how much getting shot hurts.

3 ½ . Don’t pass out when you get shot. You've been shot. It hurts. Don't be a pussy now or you'll end up being a dead pussy. You can be a pussy later, when you're in a safe house and a whore named Consuela is pulling out the bullet with the tweezers she uses for her eyebrows.

Bring your own alcohol for sterilization and drinking purposes.

4. By your fifth assignment most of you will be dead, but if you're not – Congratulations! You're alive! By now you'll also have perfected the art of sleeping with your eyes open. This is great when you're flying, but not so great when you're supposed to be trading arms in Manila. Don't fall asleep on the job. That's how you get shot. Again.

5. When you go on assignment make sure to pack two suitcases. One suitcase will have clothing and explosives and anything else you might need on the job. The other suitcase will have dirty magazines, socks and a pillow you stole from the local Holiday Inn. If you're good at your job, this shiny obvious suitcase will be the one that someone will steal from you at the airport. If you're bad at your job, you'll have to call your contact for a fresh pair of underwear and more C4.

6. Always pack extra underwear.

6 ½ . Always bring duct tape.

7. If you have to choose between the underwear and the duct tape, choose the duct tape.

8. Try to blend in as best you can when you're in another country. This might be easier for some people than others, but at least try. Trying will get you much further than being an asshole. 'Asshole' is the international language of trouble. If you get in trouble in Tehran, you're not getting sent to your room, you're getting your head cut off.

9. Distraction is a great diversionary tactic. Unless you're the one being distracted. This is really important if the person who's distracting you knows that you prefer being distracted by boys instead of girls. This is really really important if the person doing the distracting has blonde hair, an English accent and answers to the name of Julian Sark.

9 ½. If you meet Julian Sark, punch him in the throat and run away. Really. He who turns and runs away, lives to run another day. Or something like that. And tell him that Michael wants his Mont Blanc back.

10. All spies aren't sociopaths, they're also kleptomaniacs, megalomaniacs, psychopaths, manic-depressives and on more than a couple occasions, nymphomaniacs. You should be prepared for this. How you choose to prepare is up to you. I recommend condoms, Kevlar and Xanax.

10 ½. Don't get involved with your co-workers. Even if you don't have co-workers, don’t get involved with them. In fact, don't get involved with anyone. Ever. This is how spies get sloppy. This is how spies get turned, flipped, twisted, confused and left by the side of the road using trash can covers to hide their genitals. If you don't believe me, ask Sam Axe.

10 ½ Addendum. Spies don't have friends, they have cohorts. Cohorts get you out of Libya when you're scheduled for a hanging. Cohorts are okay.

11. If you meet a spy on an assignment and one of you lets the other one live, this is considered a friendship. If you meet the same spy on another assignment and this time the roles reverse, this is considered flirting. If this happens a third time, you are now dating.

12. Do not date Julian Sark.

13. Spies consider fighting foreplay. Spies also consider knife-play, gun-fights, stabbing, maiming, being flung off of roofs, breaking bones, pulling out teeth, yanking out fingernails, breaking and entering, murder-for-hire, treason, robbery, grand theft, gun running, extortion, kidnapping, blackmail and sewing up large, gaping wounds foreplay. Just so you know.

14. Spies are territorial. Very territorial. If you are 'not dating' a spy, because dating spies is BAD! And WRONG! And a big no-no, you should definitely not be seen in a compromising position with another person. Even if this is occurring in another country. Even if this is clearly an assignment and you are just doing your job. You should really not be seen in a compromising position if the spy you are 'not dating' is gun running. This can only be worse if both parties are actually involved in said gun running deal.

15. Being shot hurts a lot. I cannot emphasize this enough.

16. If the home office sends you to a nice country to recuperate from being shot and pissing off the spy you're 'not dating', and also, perhaps to infiltrate a group like the IRA, it's best not to let one of these IRA members bandage your wounds. It's definitely best not to let this IRA member think you're dating. When in doubt about dating spies, please re-read 10-15.

17. If you have to leave some place in the middle of the night because your ex-not-boyfriend has caught up with you, make sure to bring duct tape.

18. When you get a burn notice from your organization, the first person you suspect will probably be your ex-boyfriend.

18 ½ . You'll probably be right. But don't tell that to your ex-girlfriend. Or the only contacts left who will speak to you, because they'll all tell you what I've already said, which is DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH A SPY.

So, like I was saying before, these are a couple of things that they don't teach you in spy school that you really should know. And if you don't know, don't ask. Figure it out on your own. It's better to get shot than to admit ignorance, because nobody likes to gossip the way spies do, and if you're stupid, everyone will know.

Sam says it best, "Spies are bitchy little girls," and nobody wants to get involved with a bitchy little girl unless they have to. Or unless they're a bitchy little girl themselves, and I'm not saying I'm a bitchy little girl, I'm just saying, like spies, it takes one to know one.

-end-

For

sparky77 and

antheia because they make me laugh.

Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: Regina Spektor 'A Field Below'

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

transtempts.livejournal.com

hon, this made me laugh and then squee. rules 10-15 should be reiterated a lot. Also, these should go on t-shirts. and stickers.

michael and his not ex-boyfriend ftw.

:)

From:

Educated Black Person, Esq., A.A., B.A., MBA, Ph.D., RN, NAACP, AAA

Burn Notice - 18 and 5½ Lessons They Don’t Teach You In Spy School

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