hackthis_archive | Torchwood - Thirteen Uses for a Stopwatch According to Captain Jack Harkness & Ianto Jones (PG-13)

Yeah, okay. I wroted something. I'm still getting my feel together, but you have to start somewhere. Plus it made me laugh and who can argue with that?

Torchwood
General spoilers
Jack/Ianto, PG-13

Thirteen Uses for a Stopwatch According to Captain Jack Harkness & Ianto Jones

1. It takes Ianto approximately thirteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds to make Jack coffee. This is because Ianto uses The Rift to get the coffee beans from Guatemala and then has to milk the cow he keeps locked up on the fourth sub-basement; the expensive espresso machine is just a ruse. Tea only takes less time because Jack takes it black, so after getting the tea leaves from China, Ianto doesn't have to milk the cow. This probably isn't true, but it might be. Jack wouldn't be surprised.

2. It takes Jack seven minutes to get up in the morning. He doesn't use an alarm; he just rolls from side to side in his bed until the bed clothes come loose or he falls out and onto the floor. Ianto knows this because sometimes he watches from the hole in the floor that's Jack's front door. Sometimes Ianto's in the bed beside Jack, and Jack just rolls over him as though he were a speed hump in the middle of the bed.

3. It takes Jack one minute and six seconds to remove Ianto's clothes when he's in a hurry. If he's not in a hurry, it can take as long as three minutes and eight seconds. Jack's idea of slow isn't really the same as anyone else's.

4. So far it takes Ianto twelve minutes and fifty-five seconds to deal with Jack's braces, because Jack is Jack and refuses to stop groping Ianto in the time that Ianto is trying to remove Jack's clothing. During said time, Jack is also counting how long it's taking Ianto to remove his clothing. It's frustrating. And irritating. And it makes it very hard for Ianto to focus on removing Jack's clothing. Especially when Jack does that thing with his teeth and the side of Ianto's neck.

5. It takes the The Rift three days to remove any Cadbury Fruit & Nut bars that are not automatically consumed by Owen. Ianto prefers Dairy Milk himself. Jack prefers whatever Ianto's been eating that he can taste on the tip of Ianto's tongue.

6. Smarties aren't as lucky. Ianto has yet to see a packet of Smarties last longer than six hours, although whether that's down to Tosh or The Rift is still a matter of debate.

7. It takes Jack eleven minutes and twenty-three seconds to shower in the morning if he's not washing his hair. If he's washing his hair it takes twenty-one minutes and thirty-two seconds for him to emerge with a towel wrapped around his head and not much else. Ianto has a very special affinity for Jack when he's wet, but if Jack is deep conditioning his hair, Ianto just goes back to sleep. Jack will wake him up when he's done; he always does.

8. Ianto's never seen Pulp Fiction before. He has enough blood and gore in his life already, thank you, but Jack insists they see the video. He says there's a specific scene that Ianto has to watch. It takes Ianto a minute to realise that Christopher Walken is telling Bruce Willis that he had a wristwatch up his arse while he was being held as a Prisoner Of War. After the scene is over, Ianto looks from Jack to their stopwatch and then back to Jack. "No, Jack," he says firmly. "You are not allowed to put the watch up your backside."

Jack sighs dejectedly. Ianto knows to be suspicious of that sigh.

"I suppose the gun takes up too much room already anyway," Jack says after some consideration.

9. Jack is very interested in timing Ianto having a wank. Ianto isn't particularly keen on this idea. He doesn't suffer from performance anxiety, but Jack has made stranger things happen. Jack offers to go first though, and then he talks through the whole thing and Ianto forgets to stop the watch. Ianto makes Jack do it again, because Jack's voice is hypnotic and when Ianto's focussing on one part of Jack he tends to neglect the others. If he forgets to stop the watch on purpose, Jack doesn't have to know that.

10. It takes Ianto seventeen minutes and five seconds to get dressed in the morning. The five seconds are for the last glimpse in the mirror and a quick double check of his tie. The seventeen minutes are for getting dressed and checking for wrinkles and lint and anything else that would make him look anything less than immaculate. Sometimes he looks so immaculate that Jack has to undress him all over again.

It's always takes longer for Ianto to get dressed the second time around.

11. It takes Ianto three minutes to come the first time Jack gives him a blow job. It's wet and fast and Ianto's head sort of spins around his neck. He doesn't think it really spins around his neck, but he wouldn't be surprised if it actually does. This is Jack and Jack isn't quite like anyone else. Being with Jack isn't like being with anyone else either. Ianto tastes different on Jack's tongue than he did on Lisa's.

12. Jack lasts much longer during sex than Ianto does. Not always -- okay, yes, always. Jack says it's down to age. Ianto says he's not that old. Jack just laughs. He points out that he may last longer, but Ianto can go more rounds. After three rounds, Ianto forgets the stopwatch is even running.

13. The first time Jack kisses him, Ianto loses track of time altogether. He forgets about Lisa, about tea and coffee and whether or not he picked up his dry cleaning and will have a pressed suit for tomorrow. Jack's mouth is hot and his tongue is slick. He bites at Ianto's lower lip lightly, teasingly. It's maddening, even if Jack's hold tells Ianto he's not going anywhere. It's so slow. It's all so painfully slow that Jack makes Ianto ache, and then Jack's tounge flickers back into Ianto's mouth and wipes away any sort of thoughts or concerns about time that Ianto might have had at all.

-end-

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