hackthis_archive | The Colbert Report/due South – Ask Not What You Can Do For Canada, but What it Can Do For You!

It's early. I have had caffeine. I am very pliable at times such as these. So when

antheia said Benton Fraser/Stephen Colbert. National Threat. I said – well, I just wrote.

For you

antheia

The Colbert Report/due South
Stephen Colbert/Benton Fraser

Ask Not What You Can Do For Canada, but What it Can Do For You!

Nation, I think the time has come to add another level to our terrorist watch. Now some people like the old-fashioned terrorist levels of red, blue and yellow. Oh, wait, those are primary colors. What are our colors? Red, white and blue?

No, the other colors. Red, orange, fuchsia -- maybe a nice turquoise.

Okay, nobody seems to know them, but according to Lewis Black we have "Jesus Christ, Goddamn it and Fuck Me." Well, now I'd like to add "Kiss your ass goodbye, because the Mounties are coming" to the terrorist threat.

That's right, Nation, once again the Canadians are coming for our women, men and Budweiser beer. And once again, it's worse than a plague of locusts, 40 days of rain and Tom Brady combined! It's time to pull out the pop guns and the Salty Sweet Doritos! We must protect our nation from our enemies to the north, and to show you that they mean business I have to point no further than this man: Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

In fact, I don't even have to point to him, because he's lurking in the wings, just waiting for a chance to get his filthy Canadian mitts all over my innocent, hot American body.

Ben, come on out.

No, Nation, don't clap. Yes, I know you want to. Yes, I know he's just that hot. Try to have some of that American prudishness that we're so famous for in Europe.

Now, notice the brightness of this Mountie's red surge; it's meant to distract you from the size of his hands, which, well, Nation, you know what they say about men with big hands.

And the hat. If you've seen Goldfinger, which I have twenty-three times, then you know what a danger hats are. Why it could decapitate a man at thirty paces.

And if you really want to be scared, I only have to point you towards the boots. What man can wear boots like that and not be confused about his gender? Or at least be considered a leather daddy. Not that I call him daddy. No, definitely not. As though the flawless skin and bow mouth weren't bad enough.

I'm telling you, Nation, from the bottom of my bottomless fountain of knowledge, that if all Mounties looked like this, well, we would all be mounted and stuffed all the time.

Benton Fraser is the enemy, second only to bears. You don't even have to look any further than his wolf. That's right, Nation, that docile creature you see at his feet is a wolf! And what do wolves have? Apart from bad breath and sharp teeth? Rabies! That's right, wolves have rabies!

--Dief, down--

No, no, Nation do not be fooled by the way this killer -- Dief, no licking -- is salivating all over my face, I assure you it's just a ploy to lure me into its good graces before it eats me. Nation, save me from this ignominy.

--Fraser, he's drooling on me--

Where was I?

--You were saying Mounties are a threat, Stephen--

--Thanks, Ben -- MOUNTIES ARE THE ENEMY! -- Ben turn around for a minute--

How could they not be the enemy with an ass like that? I tell you, Nation, you could bounce a quarter off that ass. Hell, you could just bounce on that ass period!

--Ben, sit down--

--Where would you like me to sit, Stephen?--

--On my lap--

--Um, do you think that's a good--

--YES!--

So, Nation, as I was saying, Mounties are a threat, and we all know what to do with threats, right? We tie them to our headboards and cut them out of their clothes.

--Stephen is your hand supposed to be there on TV?--

--Ben, be quiet and look pretty--

So, Nation, as I was saying, in order to save our country from this threat, we have to band together and buy one. No, sorry, wrong copy.

In order to save our country from this threat we must band together and save ourselves. Get your duct tape! Get your water! Get your handcuffs and lube. Do what only the Colbert Nation can do:

Save America, Ride a Mountie.

-end-

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Calvin Harris 'Vegas'