hackthis_archive | The Colbert Report/ Iron Man – Host of Steel, Guest of Hotass (Stephen Colbert, Tony Stark, PG)

Yeah, yeah, I know.

The Colbert Report/Iron Man
Stephen Colbert, Tony Stark (mentions of Pepper, Rhodey and other various superheroes. And George Clooney)
Rated Crack

Host of Steel, Guest of Hotass

"Nation, my guest tonight is the richest, most handsome, most brilliant man on the planet -– next to me -– but nobody's perfect. He's here today to talk about the perils of being a superhero and what it's like to have a glowy blue heart in his chest. I'm going to see if he'll let me touch it. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Stark!"

[insane applause. Cat-calls. Offers of marriage. The usual.]

"It's good to see you again, Stephen, especially now that you're walking upright."

"Tony, it's my pleasure. And don't mention that night again. Wait, should I call you Tony or do you prefer Iron Man, now?"

"Iron Man is more of an off-hours thing, but whatever makes you happy."

"What makes me happy? Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens."

"Stephen."

"Brown paper packages, tied up with string -- you can join me any time -- these are a few of my favorite things!"

"Oh, sorry, was I supposed to sing too?"

"Didn't they brief you in the green room?"

"No, I don't think I got that memo, but I do like The Sound of Music. I'm more into fast cars, swimsuit models and graphic interfaces though."

"A guest who didn't get briefed. Okay, everybody's fired! That's right, the show's over! And audience? No refunds! Oh, wait our show is free anyway. Never mind then, so, Tony, if it's not Iron Man during the day then who is it? Man of Steel? Man of Nice Ties and Fancy Suits? Man of Triple Whiskeys, Fast Cars and Crashing Fiery Deaths? Maybe Man of Kleenex?"

"I think Superman already has the trademark on that."

"I thought that was Lex Luthor."

"Well, you can ask him when he comes on your show, how about that?"

"Hmm, yeah, he's evil. I think I've filled that quota already this month with Dick Cheney and Martha Stewart."

"You know, I saw that show. I'm surprised you're still alive."

"Yeah, me too! Stark Industries makes great body armor."

"Well, I think it helps that Cheney didn't shoot you in the face."

"Yeah, that too. Now, about you and your Maxim model stats."

[audience laughter]

"I though you wanted to talk to me about my big glowy heart."

"No, I wanted to pet your Iron Man suit, Jon wanted to talk science, but I won the coin-toss."

"There was a coin-toss?"

"Absolutely, how else do you think decisions get made around here? This isn't a democracy! I got you, and Jon gets the mascot for the Yankees."

"I didn't know the Yankees had a mascot."

"Yeah, neither did I."

"How is Jon by the way?"

"Jealous. Sulking. Hot. The usual."

"Really, because he seemed really excited when I let him touch the suit backstage."

[dead silence]

"Stephen, you know that's a joke, right?"

"Do you hear me making jokes about your Jewish boyfriend touching my suit?"

"I don’t have a Jewish boyfriend."

"My point exactly." *pause* "Moving on!"

"So."

"So."

"Really, do you sew too, Stephen? Because I could use some help with my cross-stitch."

"No, I'm more of a knitting man myself."

"Wow, I heard knitting was hard. Do you purl?"

"I think that's kind of a personal question, Tony. Nation, don't you agree? I don't show my purl to just any whiz-kid quadrillionaire with scary-yet-hot facial hair, thousand dollar suits and a nice ass. How much would you pay me?"

[insert lots of audience calls for nudity here]

"A lot, Stephen. I would pay you a lot."

"Define 'a lot'."

"I'm a quadrillonaire. I could make you a very rich man. A very happy rich man."

"You know... the only thing I love more than capitalism is bribery."

[insert applause here]

"You'll have to excuse them; they get really excited when I have rich superheroes on. They think they might explode in a hail of hundred dollar bills."

"Oh, well, I wouldn't say I was a superhero."

"Oh, really, because that's what all the papers said you said."

"Yeah, but you shouldn't believe everything you read, just everything you hear on The Colbert Report, right?"

[cue hollering and whistling]

"Nation, knock it off. Nobody is allowed to get them that excited except for me, Mr. Stark."

"Oh, I didn't realize we'd become so formal, Mr. Colbert."

"We haven't, but I figured this was the easiest segue into talking about your assistant, Miss Potts. She's kind of a hottie, isn't she? I've seen the photos. A little skinny, but I'm digging the red hair."

"Stephen, you know how we don't talk about your Jewish boyfriend?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, we don't talk about my hottie assistant either, got it?"

"Ooooh, touchy -- and yet you do admit she's a hottie."

"I plead the fifth."

"Good idea. It does beg the question though, you got really excited when I asked you about her, but you didn't turn green, why is that?"

"You're thinking of the Incredible Hulk."

"Oh, right, so, then what happens when you get angry?"

"I don't get angry, Stephen."

"That's not what I heard about Gulmira."

"Rhodey is dead."

"He'll make a really pretty corpse. Nation, sorry about all the inside jokes. Jim Rhodes is Tony's Jon Stewart."

"No, he's more like my hetero-life partner."

"Two words: Jewish boyfriend!"

"Minus the Jewish part."

"Do you take him flying?"

"I think that's classified."

"Does he get to touch the red suit?"

"I think that's classified too."

"Is there anything that's not classified?"

"I could show you my blue glowy heart."

"Oooooooh. No, really, Nation, ooooooooooh! Everybody say 'ooooh' together."

[The audience dutifully says 'ooooh']

"You've got them trained really well, Stephen."

"I know. I'm good, aren't I?"

"Yes, Stephen, you are."

"Tony, I think I might be getting a little turned on. Can I touch it?"

"You can touch anything you want."

"Kinky."

"That's not what you said last time."

"If my wife is watching, honey, ignore him, and kids, change the channel now."

"What, no family participation, Stephen?"

"You know, this blue heart is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But it's still warm. This really is kinky."

"You should try having sex with it."

"Don't make me any offers you won't back up."

"I'm just saying..."

"We'll talk later -- moving onwards! What exactly makes your heart blue, because the only time I see blue hearts is when my kids run out of red Crayons."

"What makes the heart blue is the energy it emits. It's actually an arc generator, and the blue glow is actually –"

"Okay, that's enough science; let's talk about your Iron Man uniform."

"Um, okay. What would you like to know?"

"Where can I get one? Can I wear yours? Are you naked when you wear it?"

"Define 'naked'."

"Is this like when Bill Clinton wanted the prosecution to define 'alone'?"

"It could be."

"Oh, yeah, it's definitely hot in here. Could you be my very own superhero?"

"Anything is possible. Are you sure your Jewish boyfriend wouldn't mind?"

"Jon and I are already committing polygamy with our wives and George Clooney, what's another husband or two?"

"Yeah, George doesn't like to be tied down."

"So, I heard -- wait, my stage manager is waving at me. What's that? No, you can't have an Iron Man too. Oh, nuts, I think we've run overtime. I guess this means we won't get an Iron Man demonstration in the studio. Oh, well, Nation, sucks to be you; I, on the other hand, am going backstage to get lucky.

"Tony, thank you for appearing on my show, and thank you, in advance, for that ride you're going to give me right now."

"You're welcome, Stephen. Anytime."

"Oh, good, just remember you said that."

-end-

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