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hackthis_archiveLast night I dreamt I was going to have sex with John Simm, and then I got distracted by a fucking library at my alma mater. In my defence it was a bad ass library; it looked like a secret spy headquarters, but I still want a do-over!
Also, I would like to thank![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
booboolin87 for recommending scrunchy's The DL for class reading, because I didn't even realize that Anderson Copper/Keith Olbermann was missing from my life until I read it, and now I can't imagine having lasted this long without it. Totally for the motherfucking win, y'all. Read it.
Iron Man
Pepper/Rhodey & Pepper/Agent Coulson & Pepper/Happy & Pepper/Tony
Rated PG-13
Three Men and a Lady (and Her Boss)
Pepper Potts doesn't date.
It's not that Pepper doesn't like men, or guys, or whatever they like to be called these days -– she draws the line at boys -- it's just that Pepper already has a man in her life, and he tends to crowd out the competition. Pepper's tried seeing other people, but guys always seem to object to Tony calling her in the middle of the night, or the middle of a date, or in the middle of sex.
That last one has most definitely happened. More than once.
So, Pepper's learned to pare down her needs. She doesn't need someone to cosset her, or to bring her flowers and tell her she's gorgeous, or to hold her hand during the scary movies. Seeing some of the harlots Tony's come home with is scarier than anything Alfred Hitchcock ever filmed.
The point being that Pepper knows how to attend to her own needs when they arise, and this is why she starts fucking Rhodey. It's not a long, thought-out decision made after months of agonizing and all that other crap that women put themselves through.
Pepper's got Tony to look after, she doesn't have time for any shenanigans. She just makes her mind up one Tuesday evening over beer and pizza, which isn't Dan Tana, but it gets the job done.
Actually, it's not any given Tuesday, it's Tuesday, February 15th at 8:13 in the evening.
Give or take five minutes.
It makes sense though, because Rhodey is Tony's best friend, and she's Tony's assistant, and sometimes Tony just wears her down. Sometimes Tony just wears them both out, but this is something that's not about Tony.
Except for the bit where they're sitting on Rhodey's sofa trading war stories about him.
Rhodey takes a sip of his beer and slumps down into the cushions. "Did he ever tell you about that time in Antigua that the hooker stole his rental car?"
Pepper snorts. "Tony would never pay for sex."
"You mean except for all those dinners and drinks."
"You know he writes those off as tax deductions for business ventures, right?" Pepper shouldn't be spilling secrets like this, but it's Rhodey. He won't tell.
"Okay," Rhodey amends, "Tony didn't know she was a hooker until after she stole the car as payment."
Pepper takes the bobby pins out of her her hair and slides them onto the coffee table next to her beer. "How'd you know it was payment?"
"The hotel staff explained it."
Pepper pauses in reaching for said beer. "The hotel staff?"
"Yeah, you know how Tony knows a few words in every language?"
"Yeah." Those words tend to be sex, drink and car.
"Well, apparently he doesn't know the words for 'prostitutes in the bar, free sex is on the veranda'."
Pepper snickers, pauses, and then cackles loudly. It's so perfectly Tony that she can't help it. Tony is brilliant and selfish and loyal, but he's also an awesome punch line.
It takes her several seconds to stop laughing. She finally manages to grab her beer before sinking back into the cushions and wiggling her toes. "Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever caught him doing?"
Rhodey's forehead furrows as he gives this some thought. "Eating babies."
Pepper doesn't giggle. Okay, not a lot. "Seriously. Can you even think of just one thing?"
"Not one thing, but him sending a two-head dildo to the editor of Fox News always makes me smile."
Pepper blinks. "He what?"
"Oh, did you not know about that?"
"No, I –- I –- why the hell did he do that?"
"Oh, the guy apparently insinuated that Tony sucked his own dick."
"Tony should be so lucky," Pepper mocks.
"He'd save a lot of money –- but I think the dildo was Tony's way of telling him to go fuck himself. Dunno if he signed the card though."
They ponder this for a moment. "He totally signed it," they agree in unison.
"Okay, so, what about you?" Rhodey prods.
"He kicked a puppy," Pepper says solemnly. At this point it's probably the only thing Tony hasn't done.
Rhodey smirks. "Too much to choose from, huh?"
Pepper shrugs. "George Carlin had the seven words; Tony Stark has the seven sins. Plus, after your boss brings the briefcase with the sex toys instead of the briefcase with the presentation to a major meeting, you sort of just go 'whatever'."
Rhodey blinks. "That must've been kinda embarassing."
"Only Tony could compare the motor of a vibrator to the internal workings of a subterranean drill."
"That's Tony," Rhodey says.
"That's Tony," she agrees.
It takes a moment to realize Rhodey's watching her curiously. "Do you ever get tired of talking about Tony?" he says.
"All the time," she confesses.
"We could talk about you for a change," Rhodey says.
Pepper exhales thoughtfully. "Or we could have sex."
Rhodey looks suitably startled. "Okay, I didn't see that one coming," he begins, "but that doesn't mean I'm not adaptable."
"Just as long as you don't call me Tony in bed," Pepper mocks.
Rhodey snorts. "Yeah, same goes for you."
And so it happens. They happen.
And it's good.
Really good.
For the first time in a long time, Pepper has something of her own. Something that's not about Tony or Stark Industries or anything along those lines.
Of course it doesn't last, because she lets Tony go off with Rhodey to Afghanistan, and then Rhodey loses Tony somewhere in the desert, and when he tells her what's happened, she slaps him. Hard.
To Rhodey's credit, he lets her, because she's pretty damn sure he could have avoided it if he really wanted to. It doesn't feel as good as she thought it would and the tears are pointless; she really has to stop entrusting Tony's care to other people, they only screw it up.
It sort of goes without saying that she and Rhodey are over.
Except for all the comfort sex that they're going to be entitled to in the meantime.
"Iron Man was spotted on Venice Beach today, lifting weights," Agent Phil Coulson announces when he calls Pepper a little before seven on a Tuesday evening.
Pepper just laughs. "Maybe with his ego."
Agent Coulson is quiet down the line for a moment. "Am I allowed to laugh at that?" he inquires.
Pepper smiles even though he can't see it. "I would hope so."
"Oh, good, just checking."
"Well, thank you for that. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, Agent Coulson?"
"You can call me Phil, Miss Potts. In fact, I insist."
"Oh, well, then I insist that you call me Pepper."
"Oh, okay, um, well then, have a good night, Pepper."
"You too, Phil."
After Pepper hangs up the phone, she looks at it for several seconds, a small, genuine smile on her face. She likes Agent Coulson –- Phil. He's smart and reserved and he dresses well. She likes it when he calls her at the end of the day just to say nothing at all.
Pepper's not stupid; she knows he likes her. She also knows that she doesn't object to his attentions or the IMs he sends her when Tony's out on 'assignments' so that she won't drive herself to distraction.
It's perfectly in keeping with their working relationship that they have lunch together at Il Sole. Maybe Pepper could've chosen a less intimate setting, but the food is good and she hates conducting business at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Plus, the location at Sunset and Fairfax is verboten since she found out it's where Perez Hilton does his work.
Besides, it's not really a date if she's going to expense it on her business card.
Phil is already there when she arrives, and if Pepper walks a bit straighter and smiles a bit broader that's only to be expected considering she decided today was a good day to break in her new Louboutains. You can't wear the shoes without the attitude.
Phil smiles at her when she sits down, and she's still smiling when she takes the proffered menu and the waiter brings over a bottle of champagne. At this Pepper raises an eyebrow. "Why, Agent Coulson, are you allowed to drink on the job?"
"S.H.I.E.L.D. believes in adapting to those we work with," Phil confesses as the waiter presents the bottle and then uncorks it with a fabulous pop. Pepper loves popping the cork. No innuendo intended.
"So, you think I drink champagne with every meal?" Pepper teases.
"I think a woman like you is used to the best things in life; I'd hate to disappoint you."
"I'm sure you couldn't disappoint me if you tried," Pepper replies lightly.
"I don't make promises I can't keep, but I'll do my best." Phil smiles at Pepper, and it's not lecherous or disingenuous, it's 100% honest and sincere. Clearly, Phil Coulson is a good man. Not flashy or needy, just competent and subtle.
Crap.
Pepper had forgotten she even had that button left.
"If you do your best, I'll make sure we do our best," she says. "I can't make any promises about Tony though; he's a little unpredictable if you hadn't guessed."
Phil chuckles as he picks up his glass. "I'd gotten that impression, but I'm sure you won't have to try at all. In fact, I'd toast to it."
Pepper can feel the color in her face, but she picks up her glass anyway. "So, what are we toasting?"
"A toast to you, Pepper Potts," Phil says with a smile. "And to a long, fruitful relationship with S.H.I.E.L.D., and hopefully with –"
"We're having champagne for lunch?" an all too familiar voice announces over Pepper's shoulder. "I love champagne for lunch!"
Pepper doesn't even get a chance to sigh before Tony's standing next to their table. "I didn't know S.H.I.E.L.D. popped for the good stuff, Coulson," Tony carries on while examining their bottle of champagne. "You've been holding out on me. Fury just sent me a six pack of Bud!"
Pepper doesn't even have to look behind her to feel the dozens of eyes now watching them. "Tony." Pepper hopes the tone of her voice will convey that he needs to shut up and go away.
"Potts, you didn't tell me you were having a liquid lunch," Tony carries on blithely. "I was expecting you to come back to the office and help me sort out my blue pens and my black pens."
Pepper is going to sort Tony out in a minute. "I'm at lunch, Tony, was there something you wanted?" She won't even ask how he knew where to find her. It's a company car; she knows he's got her Lo-Jacked.
"Oh, yeah, it's really pressing, too," Tony says with a blinding grin. He's being obnoxious and he knows it. She really hates him sometimes. "My piano's broken; I need you to get someone to come and fix it."
Pepper can't believe him. Wait. Of course she can. "You need me to call someone to fix the piano?" she repeats slowly. Tony nods and Pepper has to set down her champagne before she flings it at his head.
"You landed on that piano six months ago and you want it fixed now?" She doesn't even realize she's hissing at him. "You don't need it fixed, you need a new one!"
Tony's grin is entirely too pleased. "Oh, good, so you'll get them to deliver a new one today. You're the best, Potts." He turns to Phil. "She's the best there is. In case you didn't know."
Phil almost looks amused; he's fairing better than Pepper. She can feel herself talking through her teeth. "And why does it have to be today, Tony?"
"Because I want to have sex on it this weekend. You know how I like my acrobatics."
Pepper could kill him, right here, right now. Really. Phil would help her get off, sadly that's not the sort of getting off she was hoping for today.
"C'mon, Potts," Tony wheedles. "I'll even let you and Agent Coulson –"
Pepper doesn't even want to hear where Tony's going with this one. "CHECK!"
"You remember that one time he threw up on your shoes?"
"As opposed to all the other times he's thrown up on my shoes, Happy?"
"Well, yeah, of course. I hope you've charged him accordingly."
Pepper gives Happy a toothy smile.
"Very accordingly I take it," Happy says.
Pepper shifts in the backseat, leaning against the door to display one very fashionably shod foot. "Mr. Blahnik, Mr. Choo and Mr. Louboutain thank Mr. Stark for his immense patronage of their work."
Happy grins back, his smile reaching from ear to ear. The sun blazing through the windows isn't as bright as his smile.
"You know," he says, offering her some of his fries, which she accepts. "I don't consider a car really broken in until it's been baptized by the boss in some way."
"That's just -- yuck, Happy. Not while we're eating, okay?"
"Don't worry, I get all the cars detailed on a regular basis. Although there was this one time when I found him in the trunk."
Pepper almost chokes on the Coke she's drinking. It would be kind of messy if she spit it all over the backseat of the Phantom, but clearly, Happy's dealt with worse. "You found him in the trunk?"
"Yeah, apparently he'd got out of hand."
"In the trunk?" Pepper doesn't think she's shrieking, but maybe she's a little pitchy, which is okay since there's not really anybody around. Well, except for the valet, but since they're sitting in the back of the Phantom eating In-and-Out, the valet's not paying much attention.
Of course, the Rolls is also currently parked in the very large circular driveway of the Beverly Hills Hotel while they're waiting on Tony, who's doing whatever it is that Tony does when he spends four hours at the Beverly Hills Hotel and demands that both be present but not present.
"It's a big trunk," Happy says by way of explanation.
"He was naked, wasn't he?"
"As the day he was born," Happy says between fries.
"I'm completely unsurprised."
"The naked thing was kind of routine, but the trunk was a bit strange."
"He wasn't alone, was he?"
Happy gives her an obvious look. No, of course Tony wasn't alone. It's Tony after all.
Pepper steals more of Happy's fries; she's already finished her own. "Has he ever made you uncuff him from the bed?" she asks when she's done chewing.
"No, I think that's under your job description."
"Or not under my job description as the case may be," Pepper says, focusing very hard on wriggling her toes out of her shoes and then rubbing them against the plush carpeting. She loves carpet friction.
"You know Tony's not real good with boundaries."
"Oh, you mean like when he sends you to pick me up in the middle of dates."
"He once called my mom on her birthday to ask her to ask me to pick up some condoms on the way back to work."
Pepper pauses with her hamburger halfway to her mouth. "He did not."
Happy's face is completely passive; he gives it away by chuckling. "Okay, it wasn't my mom's birthday; it was my brother's."
Pepper can't help laughing. "That's so Tony."
"Remember the time that girl got stuck inside the liquor cabinet?"
"I still can't figure out how she got in there." Pepper shakes her Coke, too much ice, not enough soda. She hates that. "Do you remember the time he sent Rhodey the strip-o-gram when he was visiting the Pentagon?"
Happy snorts softly and she wonders if Happy's remembering that Tony also sent Obadiah a strip-o-gram that year too, only it was at the Board of Directors meeting.
Happy clears his throat, and she knows they're thinking along the same lines. "Remember that time that he wanted to put a golf tee on the roof?" he says eventually.
"He would've fallen off and broken his neck, and you and I would be working for the second most famous man in L.A."
Happy ponders this for a moment. "You know, I'd go work for Hef, but he's really stingy about sharing the Playmates."
Pepper makes a gagging noise. "Happy, that's just -- ew."
Happy pokes Pepper in the shoulder. "You're telling me after all this time working for Tony that you're still that discriminating against the more plastic women in our fair town? Why Pepper Potts."
Pepper laughs, wheezes, and then hiccups. Happy seems to think this is even more entertaining.
"Do you have the hiccups, Miss Potts?" he asks in mock shock. "Why I didn't think the famous Pepper Potts did things like hiccup. Or swear. Or sleep."
"I'm an android." Pepper hiccups again. "Didn't you get the memo?"
"I'm just the driver, ma'am," Happy says, "I don't do memos."
"Well then, maybe you should stick with the driving, Hogan." Pepper didn't even notice Tony sneaking up next to them, but there he is, leaning in the window and eying them both curiously.
Pepper's hiccups die off immediately.
"Ready to go, sir?" Happy snaps to attention, grabbing up their trash and exiting the back seat in a rush.
Pepper grabs her shoes as Tony opens the door, and she slides over to make room for him. She objects loudly as Tony snags her burger and takes a bite.
"Oh my god, Potts," he says, talking with his mouth full and food flying everywhere, "this doesn't have any cheese. Or any ketchup. Or anything. It's just meat!"
"Some people like their food uncomplicated, Tony," she says, pulling on her shoes and retrieving her PDA from the back window.
"Some people aren't me, Potts," Tony proclaims. "Hogan, we're going to the office."
"Right away, sir," Happy says, nodding in the rearview mirror. When Pepper catches his eye, his gives her a rueful smile.
She notices that despite Tony's protestations, he finishes her hamburger.
Tony is nothing if not relentless, even if he is a little slow, so it only takes him three weeks to bring up, well, everything. And in true Tony form, he does it when she's totally not ready for him. In this case it's eleven-ten on a Saturday night, long after she's seen him off to yet another swanky, A-lister party, where he'll probably get shit-faced, strip naked and go for a swim in the fountain with some of the more nubile guests.
This is why she lets her phone ring through to voicemail the first three times his name flashes on the LCD screen. The fourth time she gives up. "If you're not dead or dismembered, you're going to wish you were, because I just messed up my nail polish," she says, sighing over her aborted pedicure.
"Aw, Potts." Tony's voice is light and smooth. He must be completely plastered. "I'm sorry I interrupted your beauty night. Are you getting glammed up for more fast food with Happy?"
Pepper shifts the phone from one ear to the other. "Am I what?"
"You know he's got a crush on you, right?"
There are a lot of 'he's' Tony could be talking about. Pepper will go with the most vague option. "He who?"
"Happy. And Agent Coulson. And probably Rhodey. And maybe Jarvis too."
Tony's clearly shooting in the dark; Pepper just makes a scoffing noise. "Tony, go get some stripper, go home and sober up," she says, getting ready to hang up.
"He does!" Tony protests loudly. "Or they do."
"What are you, five years old? Stop instigating."
"I'm not instigating; it's true." If Pepper didn't know better, she would think that Tony was jealous. Or wheedling. He's definitely whining.
"And they told you to tell me so?" she teases.
"No, I'm going to pass you a note in class and you're supposed to check who you like."
"Now why would I do that?"
"Because I want to know!" Nobody does petulant like Tony.
She's flattered; she's also annoyed. "Tony, have you ever heard of the phrase 'cock-blocking'?"
Tony's quiet for three whole seconds. "Technically, that's a hyphenate."
"Technically, I'm going to wring your neck."
"But it's such a nice neck."
"Tony, I swear..."
"Don't swear, Potts, it's so unladylike."
Pepper snorts loudly. "As though you would know a lady if she slapped you."
"Open the door and slap me, and we'll both find out."
Pepper drops the phone on the floor. Whoops. Tony's still talking; she can hear his voice going on and on, while she ponders opening her door. In the end, her curiosity wins out; he didn't hire her to be a shrinking violet after all.
And sure enough, when she looks through the peephole, there's Tony talking on his mobile phone.
"Go away," she hollers through the door. "Scientologists aren't welcome here."
She can see his grin in the lights on her porch, and when she opens the door, there he is: wry grin, thousand dollar suit and all.
"Don't you want to hear about how Xenu can save your past lives and remove the Thetans?" Tony asks guilelessly when Pepper puts her hands on her hips and gives him a critical once over.
"You're incorrigible," she says flatly.
Tony's smile grows. "You know polysyllabic words get me hot, Pepper. You'll only have yourself to blame if I burst into flames."
Pepper blinks. "Don't tell me you've added that to your arsenal, too."
"No, no, relax. I was just thinking about you, and wanted to drop by and see if you were with one of your boyfriends or something."
"Tony Stark, are you spying on me?"
Tony gives her a very appraising once over, and thankfully, the lighting is dim enough that he can't see her flush. "Nice pyjamas, Miss Potts," Tony says of her faded tee shirt and shorts.
"I'm not on your clock, Mr. Stark," she says pointedly. "I can wear whatever I want."
"Hey, if you were mine, I'd be all for it."
"My boyfriends don't seem to mind."
When Tony's eyes snap up from her half-finished pedicure to her face, Pepper smiles beatifically. "That's not funny, Potts."
"Do you see me laughing?" she says evenly.
Tony frowns. "I take exception to you cheating on me."
"This from the man who slept with 63 different women last year."
"You know that's only an average of five women per month, right?"
Pepper rolls her eyes. "I'm going back inside now, Tony. Good night." She almost has the door closed when it magically stops moving at all.
When she peeks around the doorway, he's still there, blocking the door with his foot. "Tony, it's late, go home."
He looks at her intently and her brain starts misfiring. "I just wanted to say that this guy, whoever he is, he's totally not good enough for you."
He's so earnest it's endearing; she hates it when he makes her care so much. Instead she just raises an eyebrow. "Oh, I know he's unworthy. And so does he."
Tony seems slightly taken aback, which works for her. "Oh, okay. But if he fucks up, let me know and I'll break some kneecaps."
Pepper considers this for a moment. Rhodey and Phil and Happy all lead her back to Tony. It's really just about him. She'd love to see him break his own kneecaps. "I'll keep that in mind," she says lightly.
Tony considers this for a moment and then nods. "Okay. Good. I'll just be going then."
"You do that."
"I'll talk to you tomorrow?"
"Tony, I talk to you everyday."
"Okay, good, just checking to make sure I haven't been usurped yet."
"That's not likely," Pepper concedes, waving Tony away before shutting the door.
As she turns the locks, she looks out of the peephole to watch him leave and thinks that Tony being usurped isn't likely today, or tomorrow, or at all.
-end-
R.I.P George Carlin.
Also, I would like to thank
booboolin87 for recommending scrunchy's The DL for class reading, because I didn't even realize that Anderson Copper/Keith Olbermann was missing from my life until I read it, and now I can't imagine having lasted this long without it. Totally for the motherfucking win, y'all. Read it. Iron Man
Pepper/Rhodey & Pepper/Agent Coulson & Pepper/Happy & Pepper/Tony
Rated PG-13
Pepper Potts doesn't date.
It's not that Pepper doesn't like men, or guys, or whatever they like to be called these days -– she draws the line at boys -- it's just that Pepper already has a man in her life, and he tends to crowd out the competition. Pepper's tried seeing other people, but guys always seem to object to Tony calling her in the middle of the night, or the middle of a date, or in the middle of sex.
That last one has most definitely happened. More than once.
So, Pepper's learned to pare down her needs. She doesn't need someone to cosset her, or to bring her flowers and tell her she's gorgeous, or to hold her hand during the scary movies. Seeing some of the harlots Tony's come home with is scarier than anything Alfred Hitchcock ever filmed.
The point being that Pepper knows how to attend to her own needs when they arise, and this is why she starts fucking Rhodey. It's not a long, thought-out decision made after months of agonizing and all that other crap that women put themselves through.
Pepper's got Tony to look after, she doesn't have time for any shenanigans. She just makes her mind up one Tuesday evening over beer and pizza, which isn't Dan Tana, but it gets the job done.
Actually, it's not any given Tuesday, it's Tuesday, February 15th at 8:13 in the evening.
Give or take five minutes.
It makes sense though, because Rhodey is Tony's best friend, and she's Tony's assistant, and sometimes Tony just wears her down. Sometimes Tony just wears them both out, but this is something that's not about Tony.
Except for the bit where they're sitting on Rhodey's sofa trading war stories about him.
Rhodey takes a sip of his beer and slumps down into the cushions. "Did he ever tell you about that time in Antigua that the hooker stole his rental car?"
Pepper snorts. "Tony would never pay for sex."
"You mean except for all those dinners and drinks."
"You know he writes those off as tax deductions for business ventures, right?" Pepper shouldn't be spilling secrets like this, but it's Rhodey. He won't tell.
"Okay," Rhodey amends, "Tony didn't know she was a hooker until after she stole the car as payment."
Pepper takes the bobby pins out of her her hair and slides them onto the coffee table next to her beer. "How'd you know it was payment?"
"The hotel staff explained it."
Pepper pauses in reaching for said beer. "The hotel staff?"
"Yeah, you know how Tony knows a few words in every language?"
"Yeah." Those words tend to be sex, drink and car.
"Well, apparently he doesn't know the words for 'prostitutes in the bar, free sex is on the veranda'."
Pepper snickers, pauses, and then cackles loudly. It's so perfectly Tony that she can't help it. Tony is brilliant and selfish and loyal, but he's also an awesome punch line.
It takes her several seconds to stop laughing. She finally manages to grab her beer before sinking back into the cushions and wiggling her toes. "Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever caught him doing?"
Rhodey's forehead furrows as he gives this some thought. "Eating babies."
Pepper doesn't giggle. Okay, not a lot. "Seriously. Can you even think of just one thing?"
"Not one thing, but him sending a two-head dildo to the editor of Fox News always makes me smile."
Pepper blinks. "He what?"
"Oh, did you not know about that?"
"No, I –- I –- why the hell did he do that?"
"Oh, the guy apparently insinuated that Tony sucked his own dick."
"Tony should be so lucky," Pepper mocks.
"He'd save a lot of money –- but I think the dildo was Tony's way of telling him to go fuck himself. Dunno if he signed the card though."
They ponder this for a moment. "He totally signed it," they agree in unison.
"Okay, so, what about you?" Rhodey prods.
"He kicked a puppy," Pepper says solemnly. At this point it's probably the only thing Tony hasn't done.
Rhodey smirks. "Too much to choose from, huh?"
Pepper shrugs. "George Carlin had the seven words; Tony Stark has the seven sins. Plus, after your boss brings the briefcase with the sex toys instead of the briefcase with the presentation to a major meeting, you sort of just go 'whatever'."
Rhodey blinks. "That must've been kinda embarassing."
"Only Tony could compare the motor of a vibrator to the internal workings of a subterranean drill."
"That's Tony," Rhodey says.
"That's Tony," she agrees.
It takes a moment to realize Rhodey's watching her curiously. "Do you ever get tired of talking about Tony?" he says.
"All the time," she confesses.
"We could talk about you for a change," Rhodey says.
Pepper exhales thoughtfully. "Or we could have sex."
Rhodey looks suitably startled. "Okay, I didn't see that one coming," he begins, "but that doesn't mean I'm not adaptable."
"Just as long as you don't call me Tony in bed," Pepper mocks.
Rhodey snorts. "Yeah, same goes for you."
And so it happens. They happen.
And it's good.
Really good.
For the first time in a long time, Pepper has something of her own. Something that's not about Tony or Stark Industries or anything along those lines.
Of course it doesn't last, because she lets Tony go off with Rhodey to Afghanistan, and then Rhodey loses Tony somewhere in the desert, and when he tells her what's happened, she slaps him. Hard.
To Rhodey's credit, he lets her, because she's pretty damn sure he could have avoided it if he really wanted to. It doesn't feel as good as she thought it would and the tears are pointless; she really has to stop entrusting Tony's care to other people, they only screw it up.
It sort of goes without saying that she and Rhodey are over.
Except for all the comfort sex that they're going to be entitled to in the meantime.
"Iron Man was spotted on Venice Beach today, lifting weights," Agent Phil Coulson announces when he calls Pepper a little before seven on a Tuesday evening.
Pepper just laughs. "Maybe with his ego."
Agent Coulson is quiet down the line for a moment. "Am I allowed to laugh at that?" he inquires.
Pepper smiles even though he can't see it. "I would hope so."
"Oh, good, just checking."
"Well, thank you for that. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, Agent Coulson?"
"You can call me Phil, Miss Potts. In fact, I insist."
"Oh, well, then I insist that you call me Pepper."
"Oh, okay, um, well then, have a good night, Pepper."
"You too, Phil."
After Pepper hangs up the phone, she looks at it for several seconds, a small, genuine smile on her face. She likes Agent Coulson –- Phil. He's smart and reserved and he dresses well. She likes it when he calls her at the end of the day just to say nothing at all.
Pepper's not stupid; she knows he likes her. She also knows that she doesn't object to his attentions or the IMs he sends her when Tony's out on 'assignments' so that she won't drive herself to distraction.
PPottsstark: He's breaking news on KTLA. Should I be worried?
PCShield: It's not on KCBS, hold on
PCShield: Did you know the weathergirl on KTLA wears Lucite shoes when she's on screen?
PPottsstark: Stripper shoes. Fabulous. Tony would love her.
PCShield: Please tell me he didn't just crash into the Citibank building
PPottsstark: Do we have to pay for that?
PCShield: What do you think?
PPottsstark: I think we need a discretionary fund.
It's perfectly in keeping with their working relationship that they have lunch together at Il Sole. Maybe Pepper could've chosen a less intimate setting, but the food is good and she hates conducting business at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Plus, the location at Sunset and Fairfax is verboten since she found out it's where Perez Hilton does his work.
Besides, it's not really a date if she's going to expense it on her business card.
Phil is already there when she arrives, and if Pepper walks a bit straighter and smiles a bit broader that's only to be expected considering she decided today was a good day to break in her new Louboutains. You can't wear the shoes without the attitude.
Phil smiles at her when she sits down, and she's still smiling when she takes the proffered menu and the waiter brings over a bottle of champagne. At this Pepper raises an eyebrow. "Why, Agent Coulson, are you allowed to drink on the job?"
"S.H.I.E.L.D. believes in adapting to those we work with," Phil confesses as the waiter presents the bottle and then uncorks it with a fabulous pop. Pepper loves popping the cork. No innuendo intended.
"So, you think I drink champagne with every meal?" Pepper teases.
"I think a woman like you is used to the best things in life; I'd hate to disappoint you."
"I'm sure you couldn't disappoint me if you tried," Pepper replies lightly.
"I don't make promises I can't keep, but I'll do my best." Phil smiles at Pepper, and it's not lecherous or disingenuous, it's 100% honest and sincere. Clearly, Phil Coulson is a good man. Not flashy or needy, just competent and subtle.
Crap.
Pepper had forgotten she even had that button left.
"If you do your best, I'll make sure we do our best," she says. "I can't make any promises about Tony though; he's a little unpredictable if you hadn't guessed."
Phil chuckles as he picks up his glass. "I'd gotten that impression, but I'm sure you won't have to try at all. In fact, I'd toast to it."
Pepper can feel the color in her face, but she picks up her glass anyway. "So, what are we toasting?"
"A toast to you, Pepper Potts," Phil says with a smile. "And to a long, fruitful relationship with S.H.I.E.L.D., and hopefully with –"
"We're having champagne for lunch?" an all too familiar voice announces over Pepper's shoulder. "I love champagne for lunch!"
Pepper doesn't even get a chance to sigh before Tony's standing next to their table. "I didn't know S.H.I.E.L.D. popped for the good stuff, Coulson," Tony carries on while examining their bottle of champagne. "You've been holding out on me. Fury just sent me a six pack of Bud!"
Pepper doesn't even have to look behind her to feel the dozens of eyes now watching them. "Tony." Pepper hopes the tone of her voice will convey that he needs to shut up and go away.
"Potts, you didn't tell me you were having a liquid lunch," Tony carries on blithely. "I was expecting you to come back to the office and help me sort out my blue pens and my black pens."
Pepper is going to sort Tony out in a minute. "I'm at lunch, Tony, was there something you wanted?" She won't even ask how he knew where to find her. It's a company car; she knows he's got her Lo-Jacked.
"Oh, yeah, it's really pressing, too," Tony says with a blinding grin. He's being obnoxious and he knows it. She really hates him sometimes. "My piano's broken; I need you to get someone to come and fix it."
Pepper can't believe him. Wait. Of course she can. "You need me to call someone to fix the piano?" she repeats slowly. Tony nods and Pepper has to set down her champagne before she flings it at his head.
"You landed on that piano six months ago and you want it fixed now?" She doesn't even realize she's hissing at him. "You don't need it fixed, you need a new one!"
Tony's grin is entirely too pleased. "Oh, good, so you'll get them to deliver a new one today. You're the best, Potts." He turns to Phil. "She's the best there is. In case you didn't know."
Phil almost looks amused; he's fairing better than Pepper. She can feel herself talking through her teeth. "And why does it have to be today, Tony?"
"Because I want to have sex on it this weekend. You know how I like my acrobatics."
Pepper could kill him, right here, right now. Really. Phil would help her get off, sadly that's not the sort of getting off she was hoping for today.
"C'mon, Potts," Tony wheedles. "I'll even let you and Agent Coulson –"
Pepper doesn't even want to hear where Tony's going with this one. "CHECK!"
"You remember that one time he threw up on your shoes?"
"As opposed to all the other times he's thrown up on my shoes, Happy?"
"Well, yeah, of course. I hope you've charged him accordingly."
Pepper gives Happy a toothy smile.
"Very accordingly I take it," Happy says.
Pepper shifts in the backseat, leaning against the door to display one very fashionably shod foot. "Mr. Blahnik, Mr. Choo and Mr. Louboutain thank Mr. Stark for his immense patronage of their work."
Happy grins back, his smile reaching from ear to ear. The sun blazing through the windows isn't as bright as his smile.
"You know," he says, offering her some of his fries, which she accepts. "I don't consider a car really broken in until it's been baptized by the boss in some way."
"That's just -- yuck, Happy. Not while we're eating, okay?"
"Don't worry, I get all the cars detailed on a regular basis. Although there was this one time when I found him in the trunk."
Pepper almost chokes on the Coke she's drinking. It would be kind of messy if she spit it all over the backseat of the Phantom, but clearly, Happy's dealt with worse. "You found him in the trunk?"
"Yeah, apparently he'd got out of hand."
"In the trunk?" Pepper doesn't think she's shrieking, but maybe she's a little pitchy, which is okay since there's not really anybody around. Well, except for the valet, but since they're sitting in the back of the Phantom eating In-and-Out, the valet's not paying much attention.
Of course, the Rolls is also currently parked in the very large circular driveway of the Beverly Hills Hotel while they're waiting on Tony, who's doing whatever it is that Tony does when he spends four hours at the Beverly Hills Hotel and demands that both be present but not present.
"It's a big trunk," Happy says by way of explanation.
"He was naked, wasn't he?"
"As the day he was born," Happy says between fries.
"I'm completely unsurprised."
"The naked thing was kind of routine, but the trunk was a bit strange."
"He wasn't alone, was he?"
Happy gives her an obvious look. No, of course Tony wasn't alone. It's Tony after all.
Pepper steals more of Happy's fries; she's already finished her own. "Has he ever made you uncuff him from the bed?" she asks when she's done chewing.
"No, I think that's under your job description."
"Or not under my job description as the case may be," Pepper says, focusing very hard on wriggling her toes out of her shoes and then rubbing them against the plush carpeting. She loves carpet friction.
"You know Tony's not real good with boundaries."
"Oh, you mean like when he sends you to pick me up in the middle of dates."
"He once called my mom on her birthday to ask her to ask me to pick up some condoms on the way back to work."
Pepper pauses with her hamburger halfway to her mouth. "He did not."
Happy's face is completely passive; he gives it away by chuckling. "Okay, it wasn't my mom's birthday; it was my brother's."
Pepper can't help laughing. "That's so Tony."
"Remember the time that girl got stuck inside the liquor cabinet?"
"I still can't figure out how she got in there." Pepper shakes her Coke, too much ice, not enough soda. She hates that. "Do you remember the time he sent Rhodey the strip-o-gram when he was visiting the Pentagon?"
Happy snorts softly and she wonders if Happy's remembering that Tony also sent Obadiah a strip-o-gram that year too, only it was at the Board of Directors meeting.
Happy clears his throat, and she knows they're thinking along the same lines. "Remember that time that he wanted to put a golf tee on the roof?" he says eventually.
"He would've fallen off and broken his neck, and you and I would be working for the second most famous man in L.A."
Happy ponders this for a moment. "You know, I'd go work for Hef, but he's really stingy about sharing the Playmates."
Pepper makes a gagging noise. "Happy, that's just -- ew."
Happy pokes Pepper in the shoulder. "You're telling me after all this time working for Tony that you're still that discriminating against the more plastic women in our fair town? Why Pepper Potts."
Pepper laughs, wheezes, and then hiccups. Happy seems to think this is even more entertaining.
"Do you have the hiccups, Miss Potts?" he asks in mock shock. "Why I didn't think the famous Pepper Potts did things like hiccup. Or swear. Or sleep."
"I'm an android." Pepper hiccups again. "Didn't you get the memo?"
"I'm just the driver, ma'am," Happy says, "I don't do memos."
"Well then, maybe you should stick with the driving, Hogan." Pepper didn't even notice Tony sneaking up next to them, but there he is, leaning in the window and eying them both curiously.
Pepper's hiccups die off immediately.
"Ready to go, sir?" Happy snaps to attention, grabbing up their trash and exiting the back seat in a rush.
Pepper grabs her shoes as Tony opens the door, and she slides over to make room for him. She objects loudly as Tony snags her burger and takes a bite.
"Oh my god, Potts," he says, talking with his mouth full and food flying everywhere, "this doesn't have any cheese. Or any ketchup. Or anything. It's just meat!"
"Some people like their food uncomplicated, Tony," she says, pulling on her shoes and retrieving her PDA from the back window.
"Some people aren't me, Potts," Tony proclaims. "Hogan, we're going to the office."
"Right away, sir," Happy says, nodding in the rearview mirror. When Pepper catches his eye, his gives her a rueful smile.
She notices that despite Tony's protestations, he finishes her hamburger.
Tony is nothing if not relentless, even if he is a little slow, so it only takes him three weeks to bring up, well, everything. And in true Tony form, he does it when she's totally not ready for him. In this case it's eleven-ten on a Saturday night, long after she's seen him off to yet another swanky, A-lister party, where he'll probably get shit-faced, strip naked and go for a swim in the fountain with some of the more nubile guests.
This is why she lets her phone ring through to voicemail the first three times his name flashes on the LCD screen. The fourth time she gives up. "If you're not dead or dismembered, you're going to wish you were, because I just messed up my nail polish," she says, sighing over her aborted pedicure.
"Aw, Potts." Tony's voice is light and smooth. He must be completely plastered. "I'm sorry I interrupted your beauty night. Are you getting glammed up for more fast food with Happy?"
Pepper shifts the phone from one ear to the other. "Am I what?"
"You know he's got a crush on you, right?"
There are a lot of 'he's' Tony could be talking about. Pepper will go with the most vague option. "He who?"
"Happy. And Agent Coulson. And probably Rhodey. And maybe Jarvis too."
Tony's clearly shooting in the dark; Pepper just makes a scoffing noise. "Tony, go get some stripper, go home and sober up," she says, getting ready to hang up.
"He does!" Tony protests loudly. "Or they do."
"What are you, five years old? Stop instigating."
"I'm not instigating; it's true." If Pepper didn't know better, she would think that Tony was jealous. Or wheedling. He's definitely whining.
"And they told you to tell me so?" she teases.
"No, I'm going to pass you a note in class and you're supposed to check who you like."
"Now why would I do that?"
"Because I want to know!" Nobody does petulant like Tony.
She's flattered; she's also annoyed. "Tony, have you ever heard of the phrase 'cock-blocking'?"
Tony's quiet for three whole seconds. "Technically, that's a hyphenate."
"Technically, I'm going to wring your neck."
"But it's such a nice neck."
"Tony, I swear..."
"Don't swear, Potts, it's so unladylike."
Pepper snorts loudly. "As though you would know a lady if she slapped you."
"Open the door and slap me, and we'll both find out."
Pepper drops the phone on the floor. Whoops. Tony's still talking; she can hear his voice going on and on, while she ponders opening her door. In the end, her curiosity wins out; he didn't hire her to be a shrinking violet after all.
And sure enough, when she looks through the peephole, there's Tony talking on his mobile phone.
"Go away," she hollers through the door. "Scientologists aren't welcome here."
She can see his grin in the lights on her porch, and when she opens the door, there he is: wry grin, thousand dollar suit and all.
"Don't you want to hear about how Xenu can save your past lives and remove the Thetans?" Tony asks guilelessly when Pepper puts her hands on her hips and gives him a critical once over.
"You're incorrigible," she says flatly.
Tony's smile grows. "You know polysyllabic words get me hot, Pepper. You'll only have yourself to blame if I burst into flames."
Pepper blinks. "Don't tell me you've added that to your arsenal, too."
"No, no, relax. I was just thinking about you, and wanted to drop by and see if you were with one of your boyfriends or something."
"Tony Stark, are you spying on me?"
Tony gives her a very appraising once over, and thankfully, the lighting is dim enough that he can't see her flush. "Nice pyjamas, Miss Potts," Tony says of her faded tee shirt and shorts.
"I'm not on your clock, Mr. Stark," she says pointedly. "I can wear whatever I want."
"Hey, if you were mine, I'd be all for it."
"My boyfriends don't seem to mind."
When Tony's eyes snap up from her half-finished pedicure to her face, Pepper smiles beatifically. "That's not funny, Potts."
"Do you see me laughing?" she says evenly.
Tony frowns. "I take exception to you cheating on me."
"This from the man who slept with 63 different women last year."
"You know that's only an average of five women per month, right?"
Pepper rolls her eyes. "I'm going back inside now, Tony. Good night." She almost has the door closed when it magically stops moving at all.
When she peeks around the doorway, he's still there, blocking the door with his foot. "Tony, it's late, go home."
He looks at her intently and her brain starts misfiring. "I just wanted to say that this guy, whoever he is, he's totally not good enough for you."
He's so earnest it's endearing; she hates it when he makes her care so much. Instead she just raises an eyebrow. "Oh, I know he's unworthy. And so does he."
Tony seems slightly taken aback, which works for her. "Oh, okay. But if he fucks up, let me know and I'll break some kneecaps."
Pepper considers this for a moment. Rhodey and Phil and Happy all lead her back to Tony. It's really just about him. She'd love to see him break his own kneecaps. "I'll keep that in mind," she says lightly.
Tony considers this for a moment and then nods. "Okay. Good. I'll just be going then."
"You do that."
"I'll talk to you tomorrow?"
"Tony, I talk to you everyday."
"Okay, good, just checking to make sure I haven't been usurped yet."
"That's not likely," Pepper concedes, waving Tony away before shutting the door.
As she turns the locks, she looks out of the peephole to watch him leave and thinks that Tony being usurped isn't likely today, or tomorrow, or at all.
-end-
R.I.P George Carlin.
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Date: 2008-06-25 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-26 06:02 pm (UTC)