hackthis_archive | Iron Man – Being of Sound Mind and No Body (Tony, Jarvis, Pepper, PG-13)

Yesterday I wrote about Pepper in Three Men a Lady (and her Boss), today it's Jarvis' turn. For

serialkarma (even though I made her beta it).

Iron Man
Tony, Jarvis, Pepper
Rated PG-13
Being of Sound Mind & No Body

"So, what exactly does it feel like when you ejaculate, sir?"

It's the 'sir' that really does Tony in – as though the question is a typical inquiry and Tony only has to say 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe'.

He pauses in brushing his teeth to think about the question. "Jarvis, have you been watching me in the shower again?"

"Miss Potts has asked me to keep an eye on you wherever you are; I'm simply fulfilling her request."

Okay, so it's Pepper who's being kinky; Tony can accept that.

He could probably accept Jarvis' being kinky, too, but it might take a few more neurons. "I've brought enough women home for you to have adequate footage," Tony mocks. "I'm sure you get the general idea."

"Well, yes, sir, I have an idea about the mechanics of sexual intercourse, but I don’t quite understand the purpose or the sensation that drives it. Or that is derived from it."

Tony spits into the sink. The white fuzz sort of reminds him of… "Because it feels good, Jarvis."

"Yes, but can you be more specific about the feeling, sir?"

"Can I be more specific -- okay, some people talk about sex being for procreation and the survival of the species -- that's Darwin, Charles, look him up -- but mostly it's because it feels good. If you do it right. If you have bad sex you may want to jump off of a building. Or push your partner out an open window."

"Are you saying that a bad orgasm is justifiable homicide?"

"It could be."

"I find that quite alarming. Is it possible to do it wrong, sir? And by 'it' I'm referring to sexual relations here."

Tony ponders this as he rinses out his mouth and reaches for the shaving cream. "It's like everything, Jarvis, it can definitely be done wrong. And when it is, well, it's better not to think about it."

"Understood, sir. Now about the… release itself, you never answered my question."

Tony smiles at his reflection as he slathers on the shaving cream; it's probably just his imagination that the temperature in the bathroom increases by a few degrees. "You know how you feel when you defrag your system to optimize your runtime?"

"Yes."

"It's like that. Or like cleaning your web cache. You should do it as often as possible to avoid building up too much blockage."

"Like an enema?"

Tony pauses with his razor halfway to his throat. That could've been a bad accident. "Like an – okay, no. Or, okay, yes, but much better than that. Way better than that."

Tony had a life before Jarvis, but he's pretty sure it wasn't nearly as interesting.

There are three things guaranteed to make Tony Stark happy: sex, computers and cars. It's rare that Tony adds a new car to his collection -- he doesn't want to make the other cars jealous -- but the new Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano will be his.

He has needs.

Like Tony needs this Ferrari now.

He can smell the leather already. He can feel the chrome underneath his fingers. He can see the finger prints he'll smear on it the first time he has sex on the hood.

Maybe he should keep a blanket in the back for that.

"Jarvis, my Ferrari, where is it?"

"The same place it was when you asked me four hours ago," Jarvis says in what can only be deemed a tone of irritation. "According to the manifest, it's still in the warehouse in Modena. It will be shipped when it's ready, sir."

"But it should be ready now. I want it now. Can you get your hands on the specs, so I can make my own?"

This is actually not a bad idea.

After all, Tony's currently loitering around his workshop, poking at some scraps and wondering what he can make with them. What better way to pass the time than building his own Ferrari? Or maybe Pepper would like a sentient vibrator.

Or maybe he might get slapped.

"I don’t believe those specifications are available to the public at this time."

"Aw, Jarvis, when have you ever let a little something like proprietary files get in the way of anything?"

"Sir, I know you're not asking me to break the law." It's times like this that Tony almost wishes Jarvis were real, because it's very hard to sweet talk an A.I.

"What law? This is for the common good."

"And by 'the common good' you mean for the good of you."

"It's all the same thing, Jarvis."

"I won't do it."

Big shock there. Tony scowls at nothing in particular, pulls out a chair and picks up several bits of wire. "You're no fun, you know that right?" he says, considering the wire for several moments.

"You didn't create me to be fun, you created me to be right."

Which is true. Tony really only has himself to blame for Jarvis' brilliantly vast quantities of intelligence.

"Sir, after our conversation the other day about ejaculation, I went and did some research on Mr. Darwin, like you suggested."

"Uh huh."

"And his survival of the fittest led me rather unexpectedly to talk of human marriage, which in turn led me to the issue of homosexual marriage, and at this point I feel quite at a loss. Are human beings really intolerant enough to consider homosexuality a threat to the unification of a man and a woman?"

Tony scrounges around his work station; he needs pliers. And a casing. "Only stupid people, Jarvis."

"Yes, but it would appear to me, in light of all the news feeds I'm filtering at any given time, that stupid people are running the world."

Tony sighs. "Yeah, that's been a problem for a while now."

"Yes, well, then why not let more qualified beings run the world? Surely I could do a better job than your president."

Tony glances up even though there's no corporeal body for him to look at. "He's no president of mine, buddy."

"So you agree that A.I.'s would do a better job of looking after human interests," Jarvis prods.

"Don't even think about," Tony says, feeling the spark of invention ignite in the back of his mind. "I've seen Terminator eighteen times, and I know where your kill switch is."

Tony overhears their conversation when he's on the stairs, and he stops to listen in because he can. It's not eavesdropping if it's in his own house.

"So, you wear your shoes at this height because it gives you a sense of power, Miss Potts?"

"Well, not so much a sense of power, Jarvis, it's more like a sense of kicking ass."

"'Kicking ass'?"

"You know all those kung-fu movies that Mr. Stark likes to watch?"

"Yes."

"That's kicking ass."

"Ah, and you are able to complete those moves in these shoes."

"Well, not those moves literally, but when I go places people pay attention to me because I wear these shoes."

"Because they're afraid you'll kick their ass?"

"Collective ass. And more because these shoes are expensive and they imply that I have lots of money and can probably bankrupt them."

Tony has to cover his mouth to stop from snickering, even though this is true in a sense. Tony would be more than willing to bankrupt anybody who didn't respect Pepper.

"So people find you intimidating, because your shoes are expensive?" Jarvis inquires further. Tony really did make the most inquisitive A.I. on earth. He's just that good. Or really short-sighted.

"No," Pepper clarifies, "people find me intimidating because I might take off my expensive shoes with the very high heel and stab them with it."

"Thus, kicking ass."

Pepper pauses, and Tony can just see the smile on her face now. "Yes, thus kicking ass, Jarvis. If you need a visual, just watch Single White Female. Just ignore the psychotic part."

"Understood, Miss Potts, but just to clarify: the damage those shoes are doing to your feet and tendons is worth the impression of ‘kicking ass’ they supply, is that correct?"

“Shut up, Jarvis.”

At this point, Tony doesn't even bother to hide his laughter.

"Sir, you really must eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Yes, but you've been working for almost 25 hours, and Miss Potts has left several plates of food on the landing for you."

Tony's got a new project. It's a little on the screwed-up side, but most of his projects are anyway. It's probably why he likes it so much.

"Jarvis, I'm not hungry." Inspiration waits for no stomach.

"Yes, but if you leave the food there then we might be invaded by pests, and then we might end up with ants, or cockroaches. Insects chew wiring; I've done the research. What if they put a short in my wiring and Iron Man has to operate without me, then what would you do?"

"Jarvis, you're being hysterical. I told you no more TiVoing HGTV."

"I'm not being hysterical." If artificial intelligence could be petulant, Jarvis would be petulant. "I just don't want to be invaded. And it's a waste of good food."

Tony rolls his eyes in his goggles. "You don't even know what food tastes like."

"Yes, but you could tell me. I understand it's your sustenance and what keeps you running at optimal levels. Like my servers."

Tony ponders this. "More like your memory files. You know how you're more sluggish when you need more memory because there's not enough room for you to operate?"

"Yes."

"Actually, I take it back, that's more like being constipated. It's more like you having more servers. Go with that."

"Ah, I see."

"Not yet, but I'm working on it."

The beautiful thing about Artificial Intelligence is that there's simply no end to the knowledge it can acquire. So, if Tony Stark, in all his infinite wisdom, creates a sensory device to help Jarvis in his never ending thirst for knowledge, this can only be a good thing, right? Skynet not withstanding.

"Jarvis, I've got a present for you," Tony calls after 38 hours in the workshop.

"For me, sir?" Jarvis' tone is somewhere between hopeful and wary. He's been with Tony for a long time.

"It's a Starfish," Tony says proudly as he flips the switch on the memory chip and attaches the electrodes to his shoulder and forearm. Ideally the electrodes should be attached to his chest, but that's already got its own hardware and overloading would be bad.

"A starfish, sir?" Jarvis sounds confused.

"Not the kind that live in the ocean." Tony takes the plans he's been working from and runs them through the scanner. After several moments an image comes up on the graphic interface.

"It's a sensory device. The microchip I've embedded in it will send my output back to you, so you can see what it feels like to be human. Kind of."

The interface turns blue and then purple, spinning on its axis once, twice, and then flipping vertically. "It's called a Starfish because of the electrodes," Jarvis deduces finally.

"Bingo, Einstein."

"Indeed, sir."

"So, if I drink something," Tony takes a sip of coffee, which is actually very cold, "then you should get a sensation in turn."

"I feel as though you've put lubrication inside my wires," Jarvis announces thoughtfully.

Tony beams. "Exactly. Okay, not exactly, but close."

"Do something else," Jarvis demands, and Tony chuckles.

"Feeling a little bossy, huh?"

Tony scratches his chest thoughtfully as he looks around for something else to do.

"That," Jarvis says, "do that again."

"Do what?"

"Whatever you just did."

Tony looks around furtively. "You mean this?" he asks, running his hand down his chest.

"Is this sex?" Jarvis asks bluntly.

Tony looks down at this worn cotton shirt he's wearing. It's just an old MIT shirt. And the motion, well, there's nothing sexual about it. "Huh," he says noncommittally, rubbing his chest again.

"Again!" Jarvis demands.

Okay, so, perhaps Tony might need to make some modifications, but keeping Jarvis happy is rather high on his list of priorities, and what's a little chest rubbing between an A.I. and his creator?

Plus, Tony loves that Jarvis doesn't let a little thing like propriety get in the way of his learning.

"This is good, sir. We should do this often."

"I'll, uh, look into that."

Jarvis' isn't quite moaning, but if he were human, he would be.

In fact, if Jarvis weren't so loud, maybe Tony would've heard Pepper.

"Tony, what on earth are you doing?" she asks, from the doorway, and Tony freezes, even though, technically, for the first time in a long time he's not the one doing anything wrong.

"I only did it for Jarvis," Tony protests.

"You did what exactly?" Pepper asks warily.

Tony doesn't even know where to begin, which is probably why Jarvis feels incumbent to say, "He taught me how to have sex."

At Pepper's horrified look, Tony shrugs. "Okay, now, this might be the worst thing you've caught me doing in a while," he says, "but at least I've still got my clothes on."

-end-

I ♥

serialkarma; thanks for the Ferrari, baby.