oh, just for y'all. one time special
Oct. 2nd, 2002 10:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveBack in the good old days of season one and the general lee, I used to write SV recaps on my blog. They were like omar’s except more timely, more slashy and with a lot more profanity.
I wasn’t gonna do it this season, but you know I just couldn't resist. they made it too easy.
So. I got the grumblings, I heard the word on the street. I knew in my heart of hearts that this episode was not going to be one of the better ones. But you know, shit, considering some of the crap they gave us last season (Cool, anybody?) I figured it couldn’t be that bad. Heh.
It was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen...
First of all, let’s ask ourselves how the fuck did we go from what? May to September in a whole goddamn week? What the fuck is up with that? What about all our plotlines? See them flapping in the breeze. Also, why have they not gotten a clue about all the Crows paraphernalia all over the goddamn place? Do they think we don’t know the school mascot by now? Do they think the children will forget? Is there some sort of subliminal business with the crow – apart from its flaming red logo – that we should all take note of?
Those are just a few of the questions from this week, trust me on this one.
Now onwards to the show, let’s talk about why Chloe needs to lay the smack down on Clark. I wish she had met somebody over the summer, poor baby. Also, didn’t she look good? You go girl. Clark gets my dumbass of the week award ‘can’t you see you hurt her, you eejit?!’ my god. Gah. I have no time for stupidity such as that, but when you say we’re gonna watch a sex-ed film in class, well, hell, even I can get with the program.
Femslashers, Chloe and Lana next to each other in class sweating up a storm – now there’s a story for you. Anyhoo, did y’all think you’d gone to the discovery channel for a second there too? And there is no friggin school county on EARTH that would allow a teacher to come to work dressed like a porn star. I’m just saying. I mean dude, I have tee shirts longer than that poor excuse that Boobs McChesty #2 AKA the Black Widow AKA another sad attempt at the HoNay AKA The Homewrecker (TM) was wearing. When did Laura Ashley sign on with Fredrick’s of Hollywood? I’m just asking, guys.
Now, as though she wasn’t bad enough, I knew I was a goner when they cued up the music for Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’ and I dropped my beer. I mean I really. Poor beer. It’s good that it wasn’t in my hand for when Clark did his eyefucking ejaculation all over the movie screen though. Everybody and their grandparents knows what that looked like. They fooled NO ONE. Good thing my beer had already been lost, and Nelly? On SMALLVILLE – did y’all also note that they played Elvis? Where was The Prodigy – they needed Prodigy. All night long I’m singing ‘I’m a firestarter... I’m a firestarter’ – well it’s either that or ‘this show is so gay, it’s so gay, I bet you think we don’t know but we do, oh yes we do...’
Cut to the scene post Clark’s orgasmic whatever. The car is the new Lamborghini Murcielago. It’s Spanish for ‘bat’, and yes, when I saw it I screamed. Again, good thing my beer was already lost. And then when Lex came roaring up and Clark looked like he won the lottery and then Lex was all over The Homewrecker – Gob. Smacked. That’s all I’m saying. Did y’all hear that? That’s the sound of jaws hitting the floor and claws being unsheathed. I was waiting for the smack down and instead we get a wedding invitation?!
Why does that invite look so cheap?
Also, best man? Well, obviously that was so gay. Somebody stop this madness please. Y’all you know Clark couldn’t do that. I mean damn, plunge the knife in a bit deeper why don’t’ you? Actually, if Clark had let Lex plunge his knife we wouldn’t be in this mess now would we?
Cut to the Black Widow and Lex and the prenup business. Where the hell is Lionel? All night long I’m howling ‘where the HELL is Lionel?’ What? A man goes blind and suddenly he disappears?!
Cut to the wedding. Who the hell is she and why is she preening like it’s a photo shoot? Oh right, it’s left over from her porn career. I’m with you now. There’s a outdoor pool on the estate. Now I need pool porn. So. Okay, yes, the reception was beautiful, yes, the bride looked like a meringue. Lex on the other hand – well, hell, he’d look hot in a gunny sack.
How gay was all that talk about passion and taking chances? Dude, I wanted to smack Clark silly – you could've been the meringue you half-wit! Even Chloe was upset over that. Didn’t need the gratuitous Lana.
I’m cutting out vast quantities of stuff like Lana trying to make a tape to send to Whitney – but I will ask you this. They’ve been e-mailing you say? From where exactly? I don’t recall hearing that the marines had Internet cafes in their barracks? I’m sure Hope will correct me if I’m fucking up here, but as my mate’s boyfriend just finished basic training for the rangers and she said she barely got to talk to him on the phone -- where is exactly is Whitney getting all this time? How the FUCK does Lana expect him to watch a videotape? GAH!
Also. Boobs McChesty#2 and Clark in the loft, dude, he doesn’t swing that way – get with the program chick. Somebody write the post-heat scene where Chloe finally gets it that the reason Clark wasn’t affected like the rest of the XY population isn’t cos he’s an alien, but because he’s gay. Gaygaygaygaygay.
Ah yes. Where was we?
Clark discovers Boobs McChesty #2 is actually somebody else. He goes to tell Lex. Only, well, Lex doesn’t bend him over and fuck him senseless with gratitude. It was sad. Really. Y'all know, the scene where Clark goes to tell Lex that the new Mrs. L is a lying cheating whore and Lex doesn’t believe him. I thought it was a bad dream too, I mean cos there was pool being shot and hello to ‘I so wanna fuck you imagery’ but no – t’was not to be. T’was very sad actually with Lex throwing Clark out and all that about Lex thinking he had a friend. Poor Lex. And then the pit viper came out of nowhere and put her hand on the pool cue.
Again, where is Lionel?
I needed aleve and not just cos I’m stabbed in the cabin.
There’s a whole subplot with Clark and his new superpowers of heat vision eyefucking, but y’all can get that from LaT. Short hand version being Clark set the projector screen and the Talon on fire - and not with his campiness. He learned how to control it by practicing on scarecrows (that’s gotta have some post traumatic thing happening) and thinking of Lex in speedos.
Also, I'm leaving out much angst about how Lex thought Clark was his friend but b/c he thinks Clark hit on The Homewrecker he gets Clark sent to jail... which is actually really funny in a sick way cos when they come to arrest Clark. Mama Bear is talking about how Boobs McChesty could go to jail for statutory rape (you know with the Clark being a minor) - are they trying to tell us something you think?
We'll also leap over the Black Widow seducing Bo Duke cos that was just not on for me and we'll get on to the bit where the Black Widow has Bo Duke try and kill Lex. I know. THE GALL. What I'd like to remind y'all of is that wee scene at school where Clark goes to confront The Homewrecker, and she says she got Lex to close The Talon because that will help keep Clark away from Lex cos he's competition and she's tired of Lex calling Clark's name in bed. Okay, it was something like that.
Anyway. Last big scene is when The Homewrecker tries to have Bo Duke shoot Lex and Clark comes to the rescue (he was in jail cos he tried to get his man back, long story folks, interrupting the flow). I don't remember that side door being there before, y'all. Also, wasn't it great how Clark melted everything with his flaming passion for Lex? The word of the episode was 'passion' - followed closely by 'flay-ming' did y'all get that? Anyway, there's a struggle, Bo Duke goes down for the count and The Homewrecker sets Lex on fire!
Cos he just wasn't flaming enough.
Somewhere there are photos on Clark delivering the smackdown to the Black Widow and saving Lex from death by HoNay - but y'all didn't that fire seem to be on Lex for a long time? Why did he appear fine later on? How hot was it watching Clark maul Lex that way? Heh. Nice one kids.
One of the last scenes is of Clark in a hammock - must be the new sofa – in the loft reading Bradbury. Who else immediately thought of Livia’s Bradbury challenge? I’m telling you, they have eyes everywhere - they’re watching us.
I could’ve done without the gratuitous Lana bits at the end, but am I the only one who had a feeling that that camera was still on without the visual (notice red light, NOT flashing) while Lana was trying to chat up Clark ? Heh. The rain effect was bad though, looked like everyone’s makeup was running.
Overall, a highly enjoyable experience though certainly not a cinematic feat. It reminded me of Nicodemus.
I give it three and a half handcuffs out of five.
I wasn’t gonna do it this season, but you know I just couldn't resist. they made it too easy.
So. I got the grumblings, I heard the word on the street. I knew in my heart of hearts that this episode was not going to be one of the better ones. But you know, shit, considering some of the crap they gave us last season (Cool, anybody?) I figured it couldn’t be that bad. Heh.
It was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen...
First of all, let’s ask ourselves how the fuck did we go from what? May to September in a whole goddamn week? What the fuck is up with that? What about all our plotlines? See them flapping in the breeze. Also, why have they not gotten a clue about all the Crows paraphernalia all over the goddamn place? Do they think we don’t know the school mascot by now? Do they think the children will forget? Is there some sort of subliminal business with the crow – apart from its flaming red logo – that we should all take note of?
Those are just a few of the questions from this week, trust me on this one.
Now onwards to the show, let’s talk about why Chloe needs to lay the smack down on Clark. I wish she had met somebody over the summer, poor baby. Also, didn’t she look good? You go girl. Clark gets my dumbass of the week award ‘can’t you see you hurt her, you eejit?!’ my god. Gah. I have no time for stupidity such as that, but when you say we’re gonna watch a sex-ed film in class, well, hell, even I can get with the program.
Femslashers, Chloe and Lana next to each other in class sweating up a storm – now there’s a story for you. Anyhoo, did y’all think you’d gone to the discovery channel for a second there too? And there is no friggin school county on EARTH that would allow a teacher to come to work dressed like a porn star. I’m just saying. I mean dude, I have tee shirts longer than that poor excuse that Boobs McChesty #2 AKA the Black Widow AKA another sad attempt at the HoNay AKA The Homewrecker (TM) was wearing. When did Laura Ashley sign on with Fredrick’s of Hollywood? I’m just asking, guys.
Now, as though she wasn’t bad enough, I knew I was a goner when they cued up the music for Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’ and I dropped my beer. I mean I really. Poor beer. It’s good that it wasn’t in my hand for when Clark did his eyefucking ejaculation all over the movie screen though. Everybody and their grandparents knows what that looked like. They fooled NO ONE. Good thing my beer had already been lost, and Nelly? On SMALLVILLE – did y’all also note that they played Elvis? Where was The Prodigy – they needed Prodigy. All night long I’m singing ‘I’m a firestarter... I’m a firestarter’ – well it’s either that or ‘this show is so gay, it’s so gay, I bet you think we don’t know but we do, oh yes we do...’
Cut to the scene post Clark’s orgasmic whatever. The car is the new Lamborghini Murcielago. It’s Spanish for ‘bat’, and yes, when I saw it I screamed. Again, good thing my beer was already lost. And then when Lex came roaring up and Clark looked like he won the lottery and then Lex was all over The Homewrecker – Gob. Smacked. That’s all I’m saying. Did y’all hear that? That’s the sound of jaws hitting the floor and claws being unsheathed. I was waiting for the smack down and instead we get a wedding invitation?!
Why does that invite look so cheap?
Also, best man? Well, obviously that was so gay. Somebody stop this madness please. Y’all you know Clark couldn’t do that. I mean damn, plunge the knife in a bit deeper why don’t’ you? Actually, if Clark had let Lex plunge his knife we wouldn’t be in this mess now would we?
Cut to the Black Widow and Lex and the prenup business. Where the hell is Lionel? All night long I’m howling ‘where the HELL is Lionel?’ What? A man goes blind and suddenly he disappears?!
Cut to the wedding. Who the hell is she and why is she preening like it’s a photo shoot? Oh right, it’s left over from her porn career. I’m with you now. There’s a outdoor pool on the estate. Now I need pool porn. So. Okay, yes, the reception was beautiful, yes, the bride looked like a meringue. Lex on the other hand – well, hell, he’d look hot in a gunny sack.
How gay was all that talk about passion and taking chances? Dude, I wanted to smack Clark silly – you could've been the meringue you half-wit! Even Chloe was upset over that. Didn’t need the gratuitous Lana.
I’m cutting out vast quantities of stuff like Lana trying to make a tape to send to Whitney – but I will ask you this. They’ve been e-mailing you say? From where exactly? I don’t recall hearing that the marines had Internet cafes in their barracks? I’m sure Hope will correct me if I’m fucking up here, but as my mate’s boyfriend just finished basic training for the rangers and she said she barely got to talk to him on the phone -- where is exactly is Whitney getting all this time? How the FUCK does Lana expect him to watch a videotape? GAH!
Also. Boobs McChesty#2 and Clark in the loft, dude, he doesn’t swing that way – get with the program chick. Somebody write the post-heat scene where Chloe finally gets it that the reason Clark wasn’t affected like the rest of the XY population isn’t cos he’s an alien, but because he’s gay. Gaygaygaygaygay.
Ah yes. Where was we?
Clark discovers Boobs McChesty #2 is actually somebody else. He goes to tell Lex. Only, well, Lex doesn’t bend him over and fuck him senseless with gratitude. It was sad. Really. Y'all know, the scene where Clark goes to tell Lex that the new Mrs. L is a lying cheating whore and Lex doesn’t believe him. I thought it was a bad dream too, I mean cos there was pool being shot and hello to ‘I so wanna fuck you imagery’ but no – t’was not to be. T’was very sad actually with Lex throwing Clark out and all that about Lex thinking he had a friend. Poor Lex. And then the pit viper came out of nowhere and put her hand on the pool cue.
Again, where is Lionel?
I needed aleve and not just cos I’m stabbed in the cabin.
There’s a whole subplot with Clark and his new superpowers of heat vision eyefucking, but y’all can get that from LaT. Short hand version being Clark set the projector screen and the Talon on fire - and not with his campiness. He learned how to control it by practicing on scarecrows (that’s gotta have some post traumatic thing happening) and thinking of Lex in speedos.
Also, I'm leaving out much angst about how Lex thought Clark was his friend but b/c he thinks Clark hit on The Homewrecker he gets Clark sent to jail... which is actually really funny in a sick way cos when they come to arrest Clark. Mama Bear is talking about how Boobs McChesty could go to jail for statutory rape (you know with the Clark being a minor) - are they trying to tell us something you think?
We'll also leap over the Black Widow seducing Bo Duke cos that was just not on for me and we'll get on to the bit where the Black Widow has Bo Duke try and kill Lex. I know. THE GALL. What I'd like to remind y'all of is that wee scene at school where Clark goes to confront The Homewrecker, and she says she got Lex to close The Talon because that will help keep Clark away from Lex cos he's competition and she's tired of Lex calling Clark's name in bed. Okay, it was something like that.
Anyway. Last big scene is when The Homewrecker tries to have Bo Duke shoot Lex and Clark comes to the rescue (he was in jail cos he tried to get his man back, long story folks, interrupting the flow). I don't remember that side door being there before, y'all. Also, wasn't it great how Clark melted everything with his flaming passion for Lex? The word of the episode was 'passion' - followed closely by 'flay-ming' did y'all get that? Anyway, there's a struggle, Bo Duke goes down for the count and The Homewrecker sets Lex on fire!
Cos he just wasn't flaming enough.
Somewhere there are photos on Clark delivering the smackdown to the Black Widow and saving Lex from death by HoNay - but y'all didn't that fire seem to be on Lex for a long time? Why did he appear fine later on? How hot was it watching Clark maul Lex that way? Heh. Nice one kids.
One of the last scenes is of Clark in a hammock - must be the new sofa – in the loft reading Bradbury. Who else immediately thought of Livia’s Bradbury challenge? I’m telling you, they have eyes everywhere - they’re watching us.
I could’ve done without the gratuitous Lana bits at the end, but am I the only one who had a feeling that that camera was still on without the visual (notice red light, NOT flashing) while Lana was trying to chat up Clark ? Heh. The rain effect was bad though, looked like everyone’s makeup was running.
Overall, a highly enjoyable experience though certainly not a cinematic feat. It reminded me of Nicodemus.
I give it three and a half handcuffs out of five.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 11:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 12:18 pm (UTC)God, I sound like such the valley girl, sigh. I blame 'Clueless.'
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 11:16 am (UTC)*joins Slightlights in rooting for the Chlana*
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 11:31 am (UTC)Now, I have a question. During the season premiere, I forgot I was watching Smallville (yes, I really did). I left the room to talk to my brother for 15 minutes). When exactly did Clark and Chloe decide to be just friends? Cos one minute they were about to kiss each other at the dance, then he was off to save Blahna, then Chloe was thinking about delete pictures from said dance. Suddenly it's September.
Grrrrr damn Clark! He needs to be a) bitch slapped by Chloe and b) shagged by Lex.
The end. Bye.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 12:22 pm (UTC)Well, somehow - don't ask - one minute Clark's with Lex and the next he, Pete and Chloe, are trapsdaising through the forest looking for Bo Duke and that's when the whole 'oh, let's be friends, because you're a dumbass and can't see how much i like you and you abandoned me at the dance even though you said you wouldn't so how can i believe you anymore' scene happens. Clark wanders off all happy and Chloe's left devestated. Poor Chloe.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 12:53 pm (UTC)*giggles hysterically*
That is all.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 02:45 pm (UTC)Heh, heh, heh ...
Date: 2002-10-02 03:20 pm (UTC)This is why he's a hero!
As for hammock, well, he does swing a lot, doesn't he?
The sofa is still there in the background, btw. I checked. I knew he wouldn't throw out the most important memento of where he and Lex first made sweet, sweet love. Thank goodness.
Re: Heh, heh, heh ...
Date: 2002-10-02 04:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 04:16 pm (UTC)Who the hell is she and why is she preening like it’s a photo shoot? Oh right, it’s left over from her porn career
Bwahaha !!!
I've missed z-recaps !!! *BG*
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 04:35 pm (UTC)i wasn't going to do it anymore you know, cos i just wasn't feeling the love but paul. it's like they said, right, obviously he's gay so lets make this as gay as possible. i want to know why they cut out the loft sex b/c it obviously occured.
Re:
Date: 2002-10-02 04:50 pm (UTC)so lets make this as gay as possible
maybe they've realised people only watch it for one thing ??? *BG*
I wonder where Lex's honeymoon spot was ???
Fire Island perhaps ??? *eg*
Re:
Date: 2002-10-02 04:52 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-10-02 04:57 pm (UTC)hmmm what a coincidence *eg*
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 04:21 pm (UTC)Thank you, thank you, thank you my little goddess of snark!
Delightful, as always.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 06:33 pm (UTC)1. I have tee shirts longer than that poor excuse that Boobs McChesty #2 AKA the Black Widow AKA another sad attempt at the HoNay AKA The Homewrecker (TM) was wearing.
2. Somebody write the post-heat scene where Chloe finally gets it that the reason Clark wasn’t affected like the rest of the XY population isn’t cos he’s an alien, but because he’s gay. Gaygaygaygaygay.
3. Short hand version being Clark set the projector screen and the Talon on fire - and not with his campiness.
4. The word of the episode was 'passion' - followed closely by 'flay-ming' did y'all get that?
Brilliant girl. Homewrecker! You crack me up.
I am such a Lana/Chloe 'shipper. Pretty much my only fic in SV has been those two. And after last night? Wow. Sooooo tempted to make with the femslash. Yes.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 10:15 am (UTC)