HP Drabble - for Silvia
Dec. 9th, 2002 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveThere is H and there is D, and there is a lot of abstract strangeness that might not make any sense – it certainly doesn’t to me...
Never is a Promise
Silvia made me this. I wrote her this.
You’ll never live the life that I live
I’ll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie
“It’s not the start,” he said. “It’s the end.”
+++
Every day Harry wakes up at the same time and leaves the bed on the same side. He puts on the same dressing gown and makes the same tea. His toast is always over done, and his butter always too hard. He washes, dresses, and floos to work without a second thought. He works, eats cucumber and tuna sandwiches for lunch, and makes a point of having a Chocolate Frog to remember Ron. Three minutes after five, he queues for the fireplace and floos home.
He only goes out sometimes.
This is Harry Potter’s life.
He never deviates from the routine.
+++
“It will never happen,” remains the last thing that Draco Malfoy ever said to him.
+++
Harry tries not think of Malfoy during the day. Some days it’s easier, and he contents himself with pointless paperwork and owls to the friends that have survived. But more often than not, something will remind him of green and silver ties, and Harry will mysteriously vanish from his office with a word to no one. On days such as these, his thoughts will go towards fortresses in the middle of nowhere, and his feet will take him to the park. And there he will sit until nightfall.
Harry only thinks of him at night.
The darkness hides Harry’s longing, and his wishes for a different life. Of course, there was never any alternative to the life he leads now. The possibilities of could and should and would are fruitless, but he entertains them all the same: his parents could still be alive; he should be known for nothing at all. Harry Potter could just be another wizard, another Muggle boy. In the dark he can fantasize about what would have happened, what should have happened.
All the never’s that could have come to pass instead.
+++
“I will never love you,” he said.
+++
The only thing that ever existed between Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter was sex. Fucking, shagging, buggering that was hard, fast and brutal with no room for softness of heart or head.
That was what they had. That was all they had -- that’s what Malfoy said.
He never held Harry in a post-coital cuddle or brought him trinkets when no one was looking. Malfoy never tenderly touched Harry or defended him against the attacks of his classmates. Malfoy never cosseted Harry or tried to keep him safe. Draco Malfoy never cared about Harry Potter, he was just another body for Malfoy to abuse as he saw fit.
Malfoy never did a lot of things.
Harry doesn’t remember this.
Harry has forgotten the truth. He only remembers the idea. He doesn’t remember that Malfoy never loved him. He doesn’t remember the loneliness or the isolation. Harry only remembers what it was like to have someone who wasn’t impressed by everything else.
++++
“No one will ever understand you the way I do,” he said.
+++
Faceless strangers walk in and out of Harry’s front door, climbing in and out of his bed, and Harry thinks that this will be what the rest of his life will be like. Boys and girls and men and women all vying for a place in his head. None of them seem to be him.
Harry’s friends say his behaviour isn’t right. That all this sleeping around isn’t him, but they don’t know Harry and they don’t know about him. If they did then maybe it might make more sense. Or maybe not. They don’t know the hole he’s trying to fill.
Harry knows they don’t understand him.
No one ever did. Except him.
+++
“I will never leave them for you,” he said.
+++
Harry never cried over the end. It came and went; it’s just that Harry never found closure. It was never over for him. Malfoy went away, gone but never far away enough to be forgotten. When the war came, and Harry was required to do his duty, in every breath he saw Malfoy’s face. The light smattering of freckles over his nose and bruises that never seemed to fade.
Harry Potter loved Draco Malfoy in a completely unhealthy way. He worshipped him for his anger and destructiveness. Malfoy was the devil that Harry knew, and he never thought that something might be wrong with this, even when Malfoy left him.
He never expected Draco to come back to him, but he hoped.
One man’s poison is another man’s tonic.
+++
“Promises are for fools,” he said.
+++
No one ever promised Harry anything, least of all Malfoy.
He was never been promised love or an easy life. He was never promised eternal life or everlasting loyalty. People in Harry’s life didn’t talk about never, they talked about the here and the now and a war that's over.
Harry never had a chance to talk about his sexuality with his mother. She never told him that all he had to be was himself. Harry’s mother never promised him that he would be loved all the same. Harry never got to chat with his father. They never talked about Quidditch moves and the better broom.
Harry has never had a problem with the concept of ‘never.’
Draco never wanted to be a part of Harry’s world; Harry knows this. It was as clear as his eyes, and as sure as his name. Draco was a Malfoy and he had responsibilities - there was never any room in his life for a would-be hero. Their time together was an aberration, something that he never denied. When the war ended, Draco went to Azkaban, and Harry went to the Ministry, and they never saw each other again.
It was the only promise that Malfoy ever made him.
Never is a Promise
Silvia made me this. I wrote her this.
You’ll never live the life that I live
I’ll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie
“It’s not the start,” he said. “It’s the end.”
+++
Every day Harry wakes up at the same time and leaves the bed on the same side. He puts on the same dressing gown and makes the same tea. His toast is always over done, and his butter always too hard. He washes, dresses, and floos to work without a second thought. He works, eats cucumber and tuna sandwiches for lunch, and makes a point of having a Chocolate Frog to remember Ron. Three minutes after five, he queues for the fireplace and floos home.
He only goes out sometimes.
This is Harry Potter’s life.
He never deviates from the routine.
+++
“It will never happen,” remains the last thing that Draco Malfoy ever said to him.
+++
Harry tries not think of Malfoy during the day. Some days it’s easier, and he contents himself with pointless paperwork and owls to the friends that have survived. But more often than not, something will remind him of green and silver ties, and Harry will mysteriously vanish from his office with a word to no one. On days such as these, his thoughts will go towards fortresses in the middle of nowhere, and his feet will take him to the park. And there he will sit until nightfall.
Harry only thinks of him at night.
The darkness hides Harry’s longing, and his wishes for a different life. Of course, there was never any alternative to the life he leads now. The possibilities of could and should and would are fruitless, but he entertains them all the same: his parents could still be alive; he should be known for nothing at all. Harry Potter could just be another wizard, another Muggle boy. In the dark he can fantasize about what would have happened, what should have happened.
All the never’s that could have come to pass instead.
+++
“I will never love you,” he said.
+++
The only thing that ever existed between Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter was sex. Fucking, shagging, buggering that was hard, fast and brutal with no room for softness of heart or head.
That was what they had. That was all they had -- that’s what Malfoy said.
He never held Harry in a post-coital cuddle or brought him trinkets when no one was looking. Malfoy never tenderly touched Harry or defended him against the attacks of his classmates. Malfoy never cosseted Harry or tried to keep him safe. Draco Malfoy never cared about Harry Potter, he was just another body for Malfoy to abuse as he saw fit.
Malfoy never did a lot of things.
Harry doesn’t remember this.
Harry has forgotten the truth. He only remembers the idea. He doesn’t remember that Malfoy never loved him. He doesn’t remember the loneliness or the isolation. Harry only remembers what it was like to have someone who wasn’t impressed by everything else.
++++
“No one will ever understand you the way I do,” he said.
+++
Faceless strangers walk in and out of Harry’s front door, climbing in and out of his bed, and Harry thinks that this will be what the rest of his life will be like. Boys and girls and men and women all vying for a place in his head. None of them seem to be him.
Harry’s friends say his behaviour isn’t right. That all this sleeping around isn’t him, but they don’t know Harry and they don’t know about him. If they did then maybe it might make more sense. Or maybe not. They don’t know the hole he’s trying to fill.
Harry knows they don’t understand him.
No one ever did. Except him.
+++
“I will never leave them for you,” he said.
+++
Harry never cried over the end. It came and went; it’s just that Harry never found closure. It was never over for him. Malfoy went away, gone but never far away enough to be forgotten. When the war came, and Harry was required to do his duty, in every breath he saw Malfoy’s face. The light smattering of freckles over his nose and bruises that never seemed to fade.
Harry Potter loved Draco Malfoy in a completely unhealthy way. He worshipped him for his anger and destructiveness. Malfoy was the devil that Harry knew, and he never thought that something might be wrong with this, even when Malfoy left him.
He never expected Draco to come back to him, but he hoped.
One man’s poison is another man’s tonic.
+++
“Promises are for fools,” he said.
+++
No one ever promised Harry anything, least of all Malfoy.
He was never been promised love or an easy life. He was never promised eternal life or everlasting loyalty. People in Harry’s life didn’t talk about never, they talked about the here and the now and a war that's over.
Harry never had a chance to talk about his sexuality with his mother. She never told him that all he had to be was himself. Harry’s mother never promised him that he would be loved all the same. Harry never got to chat with his father. They never talked about Quidditch moves and the better broom.
Harry has never had a problem with the concept of ‘never.’
Draco never wanted to be a part of Harry’s world; Harry knows this. It was as clear as his eyes, and as sure as his name. Draco was a Malfoy and he had responsibilities - there was never any room in his life for a would-be hero. Their time together was an aberration, something that he never denied. When the war ended, Draco went to Azkaban, and Harry went to the Ministry, and they never saw each other again.
It was the only promise that Malfoy ever made him.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 11:10 am (UTC)“It will never happen,” remains the last thing that Draco Malfoy ever said to him.
“I will never love you,” he said.
Guh, and GUH!!
I'm all sad now.
I need woobie Draco/Harry.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:30 pm (UTC)I'm all sad now.
I need woobie Draco/Harry.
Woobie! It is December - the time of anti-grinchness. Perhaps I will try a happy/woobie type fic run. Only, you know, can you really see happy M/O? Maybe P/O might be better.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:35 pm (UTC)Yes. Do it.(nudges you with a toe)
Give me some words and I'll do it.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:41 pm (UTC)Yes. Do it.(nudges you with a toe)
Give me some words and I'll do it.
I'll write some for you, and you write some for me?
section, apply, drop, imply
orange, suck, grip, line, fuzz
pale, star, pray, innocent
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:48 pm (UTC)::busily scratches down improv words::
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 11:17 am (UTC)I think I'd like it better if Draco were dead in the War, rather than in Azkaban, but I think it's right that he isn't dead, in a way. It denies Harry closure, and leaves everything unbalanced and somehow wrong. As long as Draco's alive, it still isn't over, and Harry can't quite release himself from the relationship.
Very sad and pretty. ::sniff::
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:33 pm (UTC)I think - now that I don't have to look at it anymore - that this piece is all about Harry not having closure, and just sort of existing without Draco, which *now* brings it back to the quote that Silvia tacked onto the graphic. Oh, see how things makes sense when you don't think they're supposed to! ;) Also, I contemplated killing Draco again, but
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:36 pm (UTC)::Points finger::
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 02:04 pm (UTC)Raises hand
Where does one sign up for that?
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 09:50 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-12-10 10:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 11:41 am (UTC)...
You are so so SO good.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:34 pm (UTC)::checks
yeah, well, you're nothing to sniff at either ;)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 12:36 pm (UTC)*deep breath*
i'm pretty blank and sad right now.
that was really, really ... i don't know. real.
the structure and the quotes and the way it wasn't overt but it was really vividly emotional anyway...
and the descriptions of harry's life...
and i fucking LOVE that song... (fiona apple in general, but...)
it reminds of ivy's `blue vase' and what might've happened if... i mean... if draco was less ivy-like ><
the bit about him worshipping draco for his anger and destructiveness. that's what a lot of -us- do, i bet.
and the longing at nights. and the incomplete closure. and just how-- how hopeless it really is. and ``all love is unrequited."
*sighs*
this is probably one of the most emotionally gripping things i think you've written. this, and the ones with all the ways they could kill each other...
and it's not that easy to make me cry, you know :P
gah, silvia is eeeeeevil.
~reena
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 01:24 pm (UTC)wow. i wasn't going for the whole crying thing, but you know, i think i'm supposed to, err. well, i dunno. i am glad that you liked it, but i think it might be less of an enjoyment and more of a feeling type thing. what i am attempting to say is that i'm always pleased when people feel whatever i've written this deeply, so you know, thanks!
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 02:55 pm (UTC)except. well. you do have a...
damn you all.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 02:53 pm (UTC)You and Fiona Apple go so nicely together -- like sugar and spice and everything nice and Mmmmm... You're faaaaabulous, darling.
My favorite part:
(just because of the rhythm and rightness. and. I don't know. Just *something*. It fell just perfect within the fic.)
Malfoy never did a lot of things.
Harry doesn’t remember this.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 03:34 pm (UTC)(just because of the rhythm and rightness. and. I don't know. Just *something*. It fell just perfect within the fic.)
Malfoy never did a lot of things.
Harry doesn’t remember this.
It's like the way people always forget the shit times, you know? The romanticising of a relationship is bad, when you're all it was perfect and you forget about the snoring and ass scratching, or in your case, perhaps the bad lipstick shades and dulling of all your good razors ;)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 05:18 pm (UTC)*whimpers and sniffles* Is absolutely lovely.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 08:18 pm (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2002-12-11 05:31 pm (UTC)The last three paragraphs, especially, are gorgeous... beautiful and just so heartbreaking.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 01:39 pm (UTC)Yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. I had no idea what it was about while I was writing it, but when I finished I realized it had a lot to do with the way peope tend to remember what they want and lose sight of the bad times. The marvel of human nature.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 01:16 pm (UTC)It's so beautiful, but so......
::is wordlessly overcome with H/D angsty weepiness, but resists urge to defenestrate self as a result::
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 01:41 pm (UTC)It's so beautiful, but so......
::hands tissue::
i'm glad you liked it -- i think ;)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 11:05 am (UTC)I'm not sure your professor would share your sentiment, but thank you, I think. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-19 08:34 am (UTC)