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hackthis_archiveSmallville
If Wishes Were Horses
The end should have come with a bang, instead it came with a lame excuse about junk mail and a goodbye letter scribbled with yellow and red colored pencils.
The end was the turned back of a high school boy and a key to a castle given to someone Lex didn’t truly love; but love was the problem, and Lex had the solution.
Solutions were always important in Lex’s life, they called innately to his love of science, because everything came down to controlling the environment. What scientist allowed his experiment to control him? And Lex had learned about control, not just from his father, but from Clark as well. It was almost impossible to go wrong.
Lex could exercise extraordinary restraint when necessary, and life with Clark required that. Life without Clark even moreso, and a part of Lex knew that an apology was due to Helen, even if he'd never say it outright. Lex's need to have everything ruined everyone else's lives, not just his own. After all, it wasn’t Helen’s fault that she did what she loved. It wasn’t Helen’s fault that because Lex couldn’t live his dreams that he tried to kill hers one by one. His actions weren‘t necessarily deliberate, but they weren‘t unintentional either.
Someone had to suffer.
Lex had loved his research. He had loved certain parts of his life before Smallville. It hadn’t all been bad, but then he discovered a different kind of love. The all-consuming, blindfold delivering kind of love, and it nearly ruined him. Eventually he had to decide what was more important: his need for the truth or his need to have the right person in his life.
In the end, science won. Not that love really mattered.
Love was the question in the first place. The answer was ‘not fit for Lex Luthor’s life.’
All the things that Lex had done to himself for Clark, they all came out to naught. In the name of loving someone too young, with too many secrets, Lex nearly lost the most important person in his life: himself. To be with Clark, Lex would have had to unlearn everything he ever knew that kept him alive. While operating in the dark.
The ends simply didn’t justify the means. It was an experiment doomed to failure.
Lex fell in love with someone with an extraordinarily high morality level who couldn’t prevaricate to save his life.
When the end finally came, Clark was so unaware of it that he couldn’t even be bothered to lie right.
*
Lex went to the bridge where he died to mourn a loss that had been a long time coming: Clark, a car, a first and last love.
The end required lots of closure on all different fronts.
Lex leaned against the railing of the bridge, and with a bit more effort he might have been able to fly. Instead he drew a penny from his pocket to mark the occasion.
A last wish made of copper and a dead president.
He threw the penny in the river and watched placidly as it was washed away by the current.
Some day his face would be on a coin, and he would never repeat this action.
There would be nothing left to wish for.
*
In the bowels of his castle, Lex kept pieces of a Porsche.
He called storage and had it taken away rather than calling the scrap company. He wanted it preserved for future study.
*
Lex rose at six forty-five sharp every morning.
He kissed Helen on the shoulder if she wasn’t on-call, and went to the bathroom to complete his daily ablutions. Afterwards, he would work out for thirty minutes on the treadmill with another thirty minutes of weights before reading The Times over orange juice and two eggs.
The drive to the plant never took more than twenty-three minutes, and by nine-fifteen he was engaged in his daily walkthrough of the facility.
Lunch happened at twelve-thirty without fail, and by five-fifteen, Lex was gathering paperwork to take home. Life without Clark worked much easier if Lex wasn’t around when Clark got off from school.
He pretended not to notice the blurs of red and blue that sometimes passed him by on the way home.
A change in diet and two new phone numbers made life much easier.
Sometimes Helen was home when he arrived, sometimes not, but Lex never wavered from his schedule.
Things didn’t change just because one experiment fell through.
Lex refused to miss what he never had.
*
The end didn’t come with a shout or a yell.
There wasn’t a wish to turn back time.
The end came with a whimper and the opening of a new file on Lex’s hard drive.
In another time and another place, the end would have signified the closing of a book instead of the start of a new chapter, but Lex had never been that kind of guy.
But once upon never, he had wished for that kind of life.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
If turnips were swords, I would wear it by my side.
And ifs and ands were pots and pans
There would be no work for tinkers
-Scottish proverb
If Wishes Were Horses
The end should have come with a bang, instead it came with a lame excuse about junk mail and a goodbye letter scribbled with yellow and red colored pencils.
The end was the turned back of a high school boy and a key to a castle given to someone Lex didn’t truly love; but love was the problem, and Lex had the solution.
Solutions were always important in Lex’s life, they called innately to his love of science, because everything came down to controlling the environment. What scientist allowed his experiment to control him? And Lex had learned about control, not just from his father, but from Clark as well. It was almost impossible to go wrong.
Lex could exercise extraordinary restraint when necessary, and life with Clark required that. Life without Clark even moreso, and a part of Lex knew that an apology was due to Helen, even if he'd never say it outright. Lex's need to have everything ruined everyone else's lives, not just his own. After all, it wasn’t Helen’s fault that she did what she loved. It wasn’t Helen’s fault that because Lex couldn’t live his dreams that he tried to kill hers one by one. His actions weren‘t necessarily deliberate, but they weren‘t unintentional either.
Someone had to suffer.
Lex had loved his research. He had loved certain parts of his life before Smallville. It hadn’t all been bad, but then he discovered a different kind of love. The all-consuming, blindfold delivering kind of love, and it nearly ruined him. Eventually he had to decide what was more important: his need for the truth or his need to have the right person in his life.
In the end, science won. Not that love really mattered.
Love was the question in the first place. The answer was ‘not fit for Lex Luthor’s life.’
All the things that Lex had done to himself for Clark, they all came out to naught. In the name of loving someone too young, with too many secrets, Lex nearly lost the most important person in his life: himself. To be with Clark, Lex would have had to unlearn everything he ever knew that kept him alive. While operating in the dark.
The ends simply didn’t justify the means. It was an experiment doomed to failure.
Lex fell in love with someone with an extraordinarily high morality level who couldn’t prevaricate to save his life.
When the end finally came, Clark was so unaware of it that he couldn’t even be bothered to lie right.
*
Lex went to the bridge where he died to mourn a loss that had been a long time coming: Clark, a car, a first and last love.
The end required lots of closure on all different fronts.
Lex leaned against the railing of the bridge, and with a bit more effort he might have been able to fly. Instead he drew a penny from his pocket to mark the occasion.
A last wish made of copper and a dead president.
He threw the penny in the river and watched placidly as it was washed away by the current.
Some day his face would be on a coin, and he would never repeat this action.
There would be nothing left to wish for.
*
In the bowels of his castle, Lex kept pieces of a Porsche.
He called storage and had it taken away rather than calling the scrap company. He wanted it preserved for future study.
*
Lex rose at six forty-five sharp every morning.
He kissed Helen on the shoulder if she wasn’t on-call, and went to the bathroom to complete his daily ablutions. Afterwards, he would work out for thirty minutes on the treadmill with another thirty minutes of weights before reading The Times over orange juice and two eggs.
The drive to the plant never took more than twenty-three minutes, and by nine-fifteen he was engaged in his daily walkthrough of the facility.
Lunch happened at twelve-thirty without fail, and by five-fifteen, Lex was gathering paperwork to take home. Life without Clark worked much easier if Lex wasn’t around when Clark got off from school.
He pretended not to notice the blurs of red and blue that sometimes passed him by on the way home.
A change in diet and two new phone numbers made life much easier.
Sometimes Helen was home when he arrived, sometimes not, but Lex never wavered from his schedule.
Things didn’t change just because one experiment fell through.
Lex refused to miss what he never had.
*
The end didn’t come with a shout or a yell.
There wasn’t a wish to turn back time.
The end came with a whimper and the opening of a new file on Lex’s hard drive.
In another time and another place, the end would have signified the closing of a book instead of the start of a new chapter, but Lex had never been that kind of guy.
But once upon never, he had wished for that kind of life.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
If turnips were swords, I would wear it by my side.
And ifs and ands were pots and pans
There would be no work for tinkers
-Scottish proverb
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 09:43 am (UTC)*weeps* Ya know it's hard to keep the cracks from appearing in my denial house when you guys write the pain so well. It's these little actions that in my heart seem to hurt so much more, more than even the out and out fights and the krytofreak induced attacks. This is where Lex is losing his ability to believe he can be saved and god it's gonna hurt so good when it happens.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:01 am (UTC)Ha, you are wrong! Lex doesn't need to be saved, Lex is fine. It's Superfreak who brainwashes everyone into thinking that his way is the right way. But I know better. I work for the resistence. You shant take us alive, evil fiend of Krypton! What? It's not like Lex didn't try? It's all those meddling kids. Oh, wrong show, my bad.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 09:48 am (UTC)Ow. Ow. Ow.
Beautifully, realistically done. *wipes eyes* Really nice.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:02 am (UTC)Say it with me now, 'Pain is good. Pain is my friend. Pain will lead to lots of apologetic porn in the future.'
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 09:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:04 am (UTC)Ah ha! See, that's my take on the matter as well. No matter who the hell Clark is going to *become* right now he's an asshole who's treating Lex like shit. Junk mail? Since when the hell does Publisher's Clearing House come find you unless they've got a check?
Re:
Date: 2003-03-03 11:02 am (UTC)I sincerely hope TPTB emphasize Lex's downfall as Clark's doing. I think I can deal with the rift if they give it the appropriate tragic dimension, with Clark realizing his culpability too late. Angst I can deal with. Stupidity? Not so much. Yes, as you say Clark will be Superman, but for now he's mostly Uberasshole where Lex is concerned.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 10:02 am (UTC)Ow. Ow. Heart. Breaking. But you do it so pretty, I don't mind. In fact, I damn near beg for it.
The end was the turned back of a high school boy and a key to a castle given to someone Lex didn’t truly love;
I love how you can say something without actually saying it. Does that make sense? It did in my head. It reminds me of Hemingway's short stories -- please take that as the compliment it was intended to be.
:::wanders off to read Low Men In Yellow Coats to sooth the pain:::
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:06 am (UTC)Ow. Ow. Heart. Breaking. But you do it so pretty, I don't mind. In fact, I damn near beg for it.
I'll repeat for you what I told
I love how you can say something without actually saying it. Does that make sense? It did in my head. It reminds me of Hemingway's short stories -- please take that as the compliment it was intended to be.
I work for brevity, yes, that's me. Whatever the case my be, I'm glad you enjoy it. Hemingway comparisons, wow!
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 10:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:07 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked it :) ::shows off pretty icon, cos you know, *pretty*::
no subject
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 10:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:08 am (UTC)The world would be a better place if Lex got 1/2 the hugs he deserves. Personally, I'm looking to declare a 'Hug Lex Luthor Day.' What do you say, think I can get it past the Kansas electorate?
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 10:41 am (UTC)So beautifully painful. Poor Lex. Like Ingrid said, Ow. Just Ow.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:12 am (UTC)Yes, there is beauty in pain, despite whatever your mother told you. I'm glad you enjoyed this.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 11:01 am (UTC)In another time and another place, the end would have signified the closing of a book instead of the start of a new chapter, but Lex had never been that kind of guy.
But once upon never, he had wished for that kind of life.
Okay, my eyes were already full but this line sent me into out-loud sobbing. You make it hurt so good, Z. I'm finding it more and more difficult to hold on to the denial, when I have wonderful, beautiful pieces like this calling to me.
*sniffles* Lovely work.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:14 am (UTC)*sniffles* Lovely work.
I love denial, you know I do. It's done wonders for me, but Clark was an ass, and Lex was just *worried.* And okay, I know Clark's been having a rough time recently, but *still*. One doesn't toss around Faberge eggs just cos one's trying to make an omlet, you know?
no subject
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:14 am (UTC)Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2003-03-01 12:13 pm (UTC)i love the routine of his life after clark, that now lex is only going through the motions.
that's the dull aching pain i want it to be. the end of a relationship like this needs to blow up or fade away. you got it right, zahra.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:17 am (UTC)that's the dull aching pain i want it to be. the end of a relationship like this needs to blow up or fade away.
I have decided that Clark is an ass. A hot ass, but an ass nevertheless. Now this doesn't mean that I don't like him, or even that I don't understand why he's doing what he's doing, but still an ass. Why? Because what he's doing is hurting everybody else around him. Did you see the look on Lex's face in the cave when he woke up Clark? I thought *he* was going to pass out. Ungrateful little shit. Who's bitter? Me?
Re:
Date: 2003-03-03 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-02 09:20 am (UTC)I hate you. I hate you more than I hate Rush!Clark, only...I don't want to have sex with Rush!Clark based on the merit of his brilliance (or like, EVER). You rock. You rock hard. You rock so hard that all other forms of rocking are reduced to twitching in comparison.
*prostrates*
This hurt me in all the right places; I love you forever. *kisses*
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:19 am (UTC)::dies laughing::
I'm just sharing the pain, you know.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-02 08:36 pm (UTC)There would be nothing left to wish for.
::cries:: Why you wanna hurt me like that, man?
And just, Helen and Lex and his routine, and it's just so sad. Is good! And, you know, I'm going to go be depressed some more.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:21 am (UTC)::digs:: Hey! Hey, come back here and write me some H/D, young lady. Stop playing in the wreckage of this relationship!
::cries:: Why you wanna hurt me like that, man?
Cos you hurt so pretty, isn't it obvious ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 08:21 am (UTC)Ow, ow, ow. In a good way.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-03 09:22 am (UTC)Ow, ow, ow. In a good way.
People are just not taking the demise of this relationship well, I've noticed this. *vbg*
Re:
Date: 2003-03-03 09:35 am (UTC)Pain in real life is bad enough. I want my fictional characters happy, dammit!