an improvement exercise
May. 10th, 2002 10:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveSo according to thamiris it’s supposed to be all about first lines.
I feel very afraid and yet, I don’t think my first lines are so bad…it’s generally the rest of the story that makes me break out in hives and want to slap myself stupid. For the most part I’m not crazy about most of my fic, okay, I don’t like it. How’s that for honesty? shut up I’m not looking for complements, I think it’s the truth (I’ve already had this battle with many people so don’t start b/c you will *lose*). Anyway, I see how everyone else writes and all I can think is why the fuck can’t I write a complete sentence? But most of my stories I can passably live with, but if I hate it, I really fucking hate it. Example: Mourning, I REALLY hate that story. That’s why I’m not allowed to post drunk-fic at 2am anymore.
So, let’s see what I think six months/days/weeks/hours on. For the record, I had no fucking clue I wrote so much SV stuff. Jesus,
It's not quite the way he planned it, but he's adaptable. – Worth - Okay, short, sweet to the point and thankfully not too convoluted. It’s my first Lex piece which seems to go over better with everyone else than it does with me. But in the scheme of things it’s not horrid. Not like…
He sees dead people - and dammit if that isn't the corniest line ever. – Mourning --- My fucking god do I hate this story and this line just takes it right to the mat of suckiness. I took this perfectly functional idea and, well, see what happens when I go home for Thanksgiving? Shit. NEXT!
He stares at the ornate thirteenth century tapestry hanging on the wall long after he's left the room. – The Rescue Blues --- well, that’s one hell of a convoluted sentence. And there are so many pronouns we could be talking about wally and the beav for all anybody knows. Sigh. So definitely need to stay away from that vagueness.
Her aluminum and rhinestone crown keeps catching the footlights and blinding him, but he grins and plays on. – Sacrifice --- comma splice. I think. I know nothing about commas (told you, tham), I’m just supposed to read the fucking books. Anyway, it’s a nice place to start if I can write the fucking sentence correctly. someone send me a fucking strunk & white, please.
The place where they strung him up is right outside Luthor Corp Plant Number Three. – Sour --- Okay, I have no issue with this sentence. It’s short, sweet and it drops you right in the shit. Heh. Manure, fertilizer, shit. I made a funny.
In a really twisted way it's actually kind of funny. – Monopoly Logic --- Is this my life we’re talking about here? Is this was people mean by meta? I still don’t understand how that works. I like the sentiment whether or not it belongs here is definitely up for debate.
The dark hides a multitude of sins and presumably that's why Lex likes it. – Borrowed Time --- Err. No. Not working. The sentence doesn’t work for me. It’s just, well, dumb, and twisted, and it’s trying to be deep and failing miserably. Kinda like Lana.
Lex got his first Rubik's Cube when he was seven. – Puzzles --- Can’t really fault the line. It takes the piece right where I want it to go but I don’t see it winning the Pulitzer either.
Night penetrating through stained glass and imported stone, and Lex is alone with his thoughts for the first time all day long. –(I) Might Be Wrong --- Oh my fucking god. What was I smoking when I wrote this line? This is at least two sentences in one and not very good ones at that. And I say I like this piece? Christ. Maybe I need to cut back on the indulging.
As far as Lex can tell, the temperature has dropped several degrees in the minutes that he has been standing outside. – Catching the Butterfly --- Okay, descriptive, but not overly so. Does the job I want it to but just seems a bit like, yeah whatever… not really doing much is it? A bit indolent like.
Lex's favorite dream involves his mother wearing a violet-colored linen dress and taking him to Lords to see a cricket match against the Australians. – Drawn from Memory --- This line sucks. Just flat out major suckage. Again, I see the weed influence here. Maybe I was hallucinating? Okay, I know Lex was dreaming but this is so fucking convoluted that…fuck. GAH!
*Note: The Diaries do not fucking count*
Driving back from yet another pointless meeting in Metropolis, and Lex's tie is choking him. – Are You Experienced --- Errr, nope. Not feeling this line either. I can see I’m on a major Lex kick with my writing as he’s the main POV for 80% of my stuff, but this sentence does nada for me. There are so many things I could’ve done with this story, I feel so disappointed with this, like I dropped E and found out it was neurophren.
When she opens the screen door and sees him there, she feels a twinge under her right eye. – Scar Tissue --- Okay, first Chloe fic. Good descriptors, not a bad little story. At least I put the comma in the right place for a change.
Whitney's alarm clock has big, flashing green lights. – If Only --- uh. Huh. WTF?
Clark Kent had expected to hit puberty the minute he turned thirteen. – Optimistic --- Did he? Well ladefuckingda for him. Oh, that’s tripe. That’s serious tripe. Not as bad as DFM or IMBW but it’s mos def sucky.
She thinks if she has to try on one more damn dress with taffeta she's going to scream. – Shopping --- I would say beware the Chloe-Sue only you’d have to hold a loaded sawn-off to me to get me to even *look* at a dress. And again with the goddamn pronouns. Maybe I just need that gun to put me out my misery in the first fucking place. Yeesh.
Whitney hasn't seen Father Daniels in ages, and yet, he'd know that grizzled face anywhere. – Neopaganism --- I sense comma abuse here, only I know nothing about comma usage so someone will have to flog me for it. The sentence kinda horrifies me.
It's possible to see thousands of stars in the Kansas night without the aid of a telescope...but Pete's not interested in that. – Jumping the Gun --- Dude, I think I might even like this one, but the ellipses. What’s that all about?
Lex has always preferred multiple-choice questions. – Big Lie, Small World --- Has he now? Where the fuck am I getting off with this shit? Why do I turn out this stuff? Gun, please.
He's not in his element, and he knows it's painfully obvious. – Little Fish --- Oh, this is crap on so many levels I just want to weep. Pronouns, cliché (Kassie I thought you were my protector from these things), oh wait, this is Bo Duke-fic, I’m suppose to cliché to the max. Never mind. The line still blows though.
His first thought when he wakes up is of her. – Association --- Well, at least we have different pronouns so we know we’re not talking about the same fucking person this time. All the same, this like isn’t making me see sparkles and glurbles. It’s really plain. Like flannel.
Clark's never been to the Metropolis Zoo, but he dreams of things he thinks should be there. – See Everything --- I think I got the comma right. That’s high praise at this point.
Lex has been waiting for this moment longer than he would ever admit to anyone, let alone himself, even under extreme duress of the 9-millimeter kind. – End Game --- Does anybody else smell mad convolution here? I certainly do. This reeks. NEXT!
Lex's mother used to trace patterns from Better Homes and Gardens magazine. – Transparent --- Well, considering that it’s got that endearing ‘Dick and Jane’ quality about it I suppose it does the job as a basic sentence. Smell that sarcasm?
Lex keeps his mother’s letters in a rosewood box beside his bed. – The Newbie ‘Letters To No One’ --- It’s short, sweet and to the point. I think we might have a winner.
I feel very afraid and yet, I don’t think my first lines are so bad…it’s generally the rest of the story that makes me break out in hives and want to slap myself stupid. For the most part I’m not crazy about most of my fic, okay, I don’t like it. How’s that for honesty? shut up I’m not looking for complements, I think it’s the truth (I’ve already had this battle with many people so don’t start b/c you will *lose*). Anyway, I see how everyone else writes and all I can think is why the fuck can’t I write a complete sentence? But most of my stories I can passably live with, but if I hate it, I really fucking hate it. Example: Mourning, I REALLY hate that story. That’s why I’m not allowed to post drunk-fic at 2am anymore.
So, let’s see what I think six months/days/weeks/hours on. For the record, I had no fucking clue I wrote so much SV stuff. Jesus,
It's not quite the way he planned it, but he's adaptable. – Worth - Okay, short, sweet to the point and thankfully not too convoluted. It’s my first Lex piece which seems to go over better with everyone else than it does with me. But in the scheme of things it’s not horrid. Not like…
He sees dead people - and dammit if that isn't the corniest line ever. – Mourning --- My fucking god do I hate this story and this line just takes it right to the mat of suckiness. I took this perfectly functional idea and, well, see what happens when I go home for Thanksgiving? Shit. NEXT!
He stares at the ornate thirteenth century tapestry hanging on the wall long after he's left the room. – The Rescue Blues --- well, that’s one hell of a convoluted sentence. And there are so many pronouns we could be talking about wally and the beav for all anybody knows. Sigh. So definitely need to stay away from that vagueness.
Her aluminum and rhinestone crown keeps catching the footlights and blinding him, but he grins and plays on. – Sacrifice --- comma splice. I think. I know nothing about commas (told you, tham), I’m just supposed to read the fucking books. Anyway, it’s a nice place to start if I can write the fucking sentence correctly. someone send me a fucking strunk & white, please.
The place where they strung him up is right outside Luthor Corp Plant Number Three. – Sour --- Okay, I have no issue with this sentence. It’s short, sweet and it drops you right in the shit. Heh. Manure, fertilizer, shit. I made a funny.
In a really twisted way it's actually kind of funny. – Monopoly Logic --- Is this my life we’re talking about here? Is this was people mean by meta? I still don’t understand how that works. I like the sentiment whether or not it belongs here is definitely up for debate.
The dark hides a multitude of sins and presumably that's why Lex likes it. – Borrowed Time --- Err. No. Not working. The sentence doesn’t work for me. It’s just, well, dumb, and twisted, and it’s trying to be deep and failing miserably. Kinda like Lana.
Lex got his first Rubik's Cube when he was seven. – Puzzles --- Can’t really fault the line. It takes the piece right where I want it to go but I don’t see it winning the Pulitzer either.
Night penetrating through stained glass and imported stone, and Lex is alone with his thoughts for the first time all day long. –(I) Might Be Wrong --- Oh my fucking god. What was I smoking when I wrote this line? This is at least two sentences in one and not very good ones at that. And I say I like this piece? Christ. Maybe I need to cut back on the indulging.
As far as Lex can tell, the temperature has dropped several degrees in the minutes that he has been standing outside. – Catching the Butterfly --- Okay, descriptive, but not overly so. Does the job I want it to but just seems a bit like, yeah whatever… not really doing much is it? A bit indolent like.
Lex's favorite dream involves his mother wearing a violet-colored linen dress and taking him to Lords to see a cricket match against the Australians. – Drawn from Memory --- This line sucks. Just flat out major suckage. Again, I see the weed influence here. Maybe I was hallucinating? Okay, I know Lex was dreaming but this is so fucking convoluted that…fuck. GAH!
*Note: The Diaries do not fucking count*
Driving back from yet another pointless meeting in Metropolis, and Lex's tie is choking him. – Are You Experienced --- Errr, nope. Not feeling this line either. I can see I’m on a major Lex kick with my writing as he’s the main POV for 80% of my stuff, but this sentence does nada for me. There are so many things I could’ve done with this story, I feel so disappointed with this, like I dropped E and found out it was neurophren.
When she opens the screen door and sees him there, she feels a twinge under her right eye. – Scar Tissue --- Okay, first Chloe fic. Good descriptors, not a bad little story. At least I put the comma in the right place for a change.
Whitney's alarm clock has big, flashing green lights. – If Only --- uh. Huh. WTF?
Clark Kent had expected to hit puberty the minute he turned thirteen. – Optimistic --- Did he? Well ladefuckingda for him. Oh, that’s tripe. That’s serious tripe. Not as bad as DFM or IMBW but it’s mos def sucky.
She thinks if she has to try on one more damn dress with taffeta she's going to scream. – Shopping --- I would say beware the Chloe-Sue only you’d have to hold a loaded sawn-off to me to get me to even *look* at a dress. And again with the goddamn pronouns. Maybe I just need that gun to put me out my misery in the first fucking place. Yeesh.
Whitney hasn't seen Father Daniels in ages, and yet, he'd know that grizzled face anywhere. – Neopaganism --- I sense comma abuse here, only I know nothing about comma usage so someone will have to flog me for it. The sentence kinda horrifies me.
It's possible to see thousands of stars in the Kansas night without the aid of a telescope...but Pete's not interested in that. – Jumping the Gun --- Dude, I think I might even like this one, but the ellipses. What’s that all about?
Lex has always preferred multiple-choice questions. – Big Lie, Small World --- Has he now? Where the fuck am I getting off with this shit? Why do I turn out this stuff? Gun, please.
He's not in his element, and he knows it's painfully obvious. – Little Fish --- Oh, this is crap on so many levels I just want to weep. Pronouns, cliché (Kassie I thought you were my protector from these things), oh wait, this is Bo Duke-fic, I’m suppose to cliché to the max. Never mind. The line still blows though.
His first thought when he wakes up is of her. – Association --- Well, at least we have different pronouns so we know we’re not talking about the same fucking person this time. All the same, this like isn’t making me see sparkles and glurbles. It’s really plain. Like flannel.
Clark's never been to the Metropolis Zoo, but he dreams of things he thinks should be there. – See Everything --- I think I got the comma right. That’s high praise at this point.
Lex has been waiting for this moment longer than he would ever admit to anyone, let alone himself, even under extreme duress of the 9-millimeter kind. – End Game --- Does anybody else smell mad convolution here? I certainly do. This reeks. NEXT!
Lex's mother used to trace patterns from Better Homes and Gardens magazine. – Transparent --- Well, considering that it’s got that endearing ‘Dick and Jane’ quality about it I suppose it does the job as a basic sentence. Smell that sarcasm?
Lex keeps his mother’s letters in a rosewood box beside his bed. – The Newbie ‘Letters To No One’ --- It’s short, sweet and to the point. I think we might have a winner.
