Express lift to hell.
Jun. 1st, 2003 02:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hackthis_archiveIt’s two in the morning, we’ve been drinking, cut me a break.
For Nerodi’s Historical Challenge. Kinda.
Smallville
Genesis
In the beginning there was heaven and there was Smallville.
Heaven was all well and good, but Smallville gave Her great pause for it was crude and unformed. And so She said let there be vast, flat lands with no friggin mountains or shopping malls and there they were.
Then She created The Talon for what reason She knew not, but simply because she felt that this place should exist.
And then She said let there be cows and there they were. And then She said let there be corn, and it appeared. And She was amused for She had no idea what corn was, but as She had created cows She decided perhaps it might have something to do with them.
Then She went about creating lots of other things, for God was the sort that enjoyed amusing herself this way as shoes had not yet been invented.
And then She went to sleep, for God knew that beauty sleep was the most important thing of all.
The morning of the second day, God awoke to a dreadful racket for her cows were hungry - even though She didn’t know that’s what it was called. And so She created hay for that’s what She decided their feed would be called and all was good.
And God was pleased.
And then She set about creating alcohol.
Because She could.
On the third day, God created bacon and eggs. And orange juice, and something She came to call The Great Fry-Up for God had discovered The Hangover and decided that this was Bad.
So on the rest of the third day, She stayed in bed.
On the fourth day, She decided to expand on Smallville for She realized that all should not be vast and flat, unlike certain people She had not yet created.
And so She created Metropolis, and She was satisfied.
She gave unto it clubs and malls and other large buildings with empty spaces. And She was pleased, but slightly confused for She had created all these things but She could tell something was missing. Like when you leave the house without your keys.
And so She made herself a large glass of raspberry Stoli and Red Ruby Cranberry and thought about it. And then She thought about it some more. And then She made another drink.
And then She made digital cable.
But She decided it was not enough.
So She made DSL lines, but as She had not yet made computers this was kinda fruitless.
So She had another drink and promptly fell asleep.
On the fifth morning, She awoke with a slight hangover. But as She had created The Great Fry-Up all was okay. And so, over her large meal of bacon and eggs, She realized what was missing: someone to care for her cows.
And so She created a boy. Or a man.
She wasn’t sure what to classify him as, but She decided to call him Clark, and She was glad for he was very easy upon the eyes. And unto Clark She gave good-looks, shiny hair, special skills and a really nice ass. And She told him to take care of her cows, and so he did. After She told him how.
However, at the end of the day (because She had created that other stuff too, at some point when She was hungover and didn’t know what She was doing - hence the chicken and the egg mystery) She smiled down on Clark, and he looked up at her with that puppy-dog look (She had created those too), and She was moved.
When She asked him what was wrong, however, he did not respond for She had not given him means to communicate. So She gave him a mouth, and what a mouth it was.
And She was very pleased.
And so She asked what was wrong, and Clark said he was lonely. And She felt bad because Clark really was quite attractive, and She felt it was wrong for that to go to waste. And so She promised to fix that, and then She gave Clark a Budweiser. Even though She thought that probably wasn’t a good idea.
Then She let Clark watch digital cable, and She went off to have a think. And a few shots of tequila.
On the sixth day, after her morning Bloody Mary, She looked down on Clark who was working so hard to take care of her cows. She decided to reward him, and She created Lex, which took her a little while because She had given Clark lots of good looks, but he wasn’t terribly bright. So She endowed Lex with lots of things, like sarcasm, to make up for Clark’s deficiencies.
And Lex was good. And She was satisfied.
And She presented Lex to Clark as her gift. And Clark smiled.
And She was content. So She fixed herself a large Strawberry Daiquiri, and left them to their own devices.
On the seventh day, She watched in confusion as Clark and Lex set about caring for the cows and did nothing else. And She asked them why they behaved the way they did, and they said they knew no other way, and She saw this was Wrong. So She said 'let there be slash' and Clark and Lex asked ‘what’s slash?’ And She said 'this is where you fall in love and fornicate for my amusement,' and they said ‘what is fornicate’ and She said ‘let me show you.’
So She did.
And lo, it was Good.
Amen.
For Nerodi’s Historical Challenge. Kinda.
Smallville
Genesis
In the beginning there was heaven and there was Smallville.
Heaven was all well and good, but Smallville gave Her great pause for it was crude and unformed. And so She said let there be vast, flat lands with no friggin mountains or shopping malls and there they were.
Then She created The Talon for what reason She knew not, but simply because she felt that this place should exist.
And then She said let there be cows and there they were. And then She said let there be corn, and it appeared. And She was amused for She had no idea what corn was, but as She had created cows She decided perhaps it might have something to do with them.
Then She went about creating lots of other things, for God was the sort that enjoyed amusing herself this way as shoes had not yet been invented.
And then She went to sleep, for God knew that beauty sleep was the most important thing of all.
The morning of the second day, God awoke to a dreadful racket for her cows were hungry - even though She didn’t know that’s what it was called. And so She created hay for that’s what She decided their feed would be called and all was good.
And God was pleased.
And then She set about creating alcohol.
Because She could.
On the third day, God created bacon and eggs. And orange juice, and something She came to call The Great Fry-Up for God had discovered The Hangover and decided that this was Bad.
So on the rest of the third day, She stayed in bed.
On the fourth day, She decided to expand on Smallville for She realized that all should not be vast and flat, unlike certain people She had not yet created.
And so She created Metropolis, and She was satisfied.
She gave unto it clubs and malls and other large buildings with empty spaces. And She was pleased, but slightly confused for She had created all these things but She could tell something was missing. Like when you leave the house without your keys.
And so She made herself a large glass of raspberry Stoli and Red Ruby Cranberry and thought about it. And then She thought about it some more. And then She made another drink.
And then She made digital cable.
But She decided it was not enough.
So She made DSL lines, but as She had not yet made computers this was kinda fruitless.
So She had another drink and promptly fell asleep.
On the fifth morning, She awoke with a slight hangover. But as She had created The Great Fry-Up all was okay. And so, over her large meal of bacon and eggs, She realized what was missing: someone to care for her cows.
And so She created a boy. Or a man.
She wasn’t sure what to classify him as, but She decided to call him Clark, and She was glad for he was very easy upon the eyes. And unto Clark She gave good-looks, shiny hair, special skills and a really nice ass. And She told him to take care of her cows, and so he did. After She told him how.
However, at the end of the day (because She had created that other stuff too, at some point when She was hungover and didn’t know what She was doing - hence the chicken and the egg mystery) She smiled down on Clark, and he looked up at her with that puppy-dog look (She had created those too), and She was moved.
When She asked him what was wrong, however, he did not respond for She had not given him means to communicate. So She gave him a mouth, and what a mouth it was.
And She was very pleased.
And so She asked what was wrong, and Clark said he was lonely. And She felt bad because Clark really was quite attractive, and She felt it was wrong for that to go to waste. And so She promised to fix that, and then She gave Clark a Budweiser. Even though She thought that probably wasn’t a good idea.
Then She let Clark watch digital cable, and She went off to have a think. And a few shots of tequila.
On the sixth day, after her morning Bloody Mary, She looked down on Clark who was working so hard to take care of her cows. She decided to reward him, and She created Lex, which took her a little while because She had given Clark lots of good looks, but he wasn’t terribly bright. So She endowed Lex with lots of things, like sarcasm, to make up for Clark’s deficiencies.
And Lex was good. And She was satisfied.
And She presented Lex to Clark as her gift. And Clark smiled.
And She was content. So She fixed herself a large Strawberry Daiquiri, and left them to their own devices.
On the seventh day, She watched in confusion as Clark and Lex set about caring for the cows and did nothing else. And She asked them why they behaved the way they did, and they said they knew no other way, and She saw this was Wrong. So She said 'let there be slash' and Clark and Lex asked ‘what’s slash?’ And She said 'this is where you fall in love and fornicate for my amusement,' and they said ‘what is fornicate’ and She said ‘let me show you.’
So She did.
And lo, it was Good.
Amen.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 02:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 05:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 05:10 am (UTC)Thanks be to god!
no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 05:15 am (UTC)Lovely story! especially the ending. Why won't God make me a Clark or a Lex? (I don't need the cows.)
no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 10:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 10:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 10:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 11:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 12:56 pm (UTC)Oh. my. god. Entirely too, too funny.
LOL so much!
Date: 2003-06-01 12:58 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for the giggle fit. *g*
no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 01:57 pm (UTC)Hmm.
Date: 2003-06-01 03:34 pm (UTC)Teri
no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-02 12:47 pm (UTC)Anyway, 'tis bloody brilliant.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-03 05:45 pm (UTC)Dude... I really, really needed this. You are fucking hilarious, and no mistake.
Then She went about creating lots of other things, for God was the sort that enjoyed amusing herself this way as shoes had not yet been invented.
Heeeee! God is a woman of taste, like Z.
And then She set about creating alcohol.
Because She could.
Mmmmm... sweet, sweet liquor.
On the fourth day, She decided to expand on Smallville for She realized that all should not be vast and flat, unlike certain people She had not yet created.
Marry me?
She decided to call him Clark, and She was glad for he was very easy upon the eyes. And unto Clark She gave good-looks, shiny hair, special skills and a really nice ass.
Amen. Let us praise the creative wonders wrought by Her, for She is generous and makes wonderful eye candy.
So She said let there be slash and Clark and Lex asked 'what's slash?' And She said this is where you fall in love and fornicate for my amusement
As it is written, so it should be *eg*
Thanks for this, Z. *pounce-snuggles*
heresy!fic
Date: 2003-06-06 10:47 am (UTC)*bows down*
no subject
Date: 2005-07-23 06:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-30 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-10 02:33 am (UTC)I do believe you've summed up an entire population of slash fans, there. Win.