*sigh*

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do you remember what it was like when you believed in something? anything at all?

was it when you were five? or maybe fifteen. was it a sports team or a movie star? did you believe in fairy tales and unicorns, or did you believe in the monsters under your bed and the boogeyman in the closet?

have you always believed in good? have you always believed that there was something better out there? did you pray for someone to come and save your from yourself?

i used to believe. i know i did. i must've believed in me somewhere along the way, but i swear i used to believe in other people too. maybe i believed too much.

i keep cataloging my mind, my brain, trying to rack it and remember what it was like when i was younger and less cynical. less pessimistic. i keep trying to find a time when i wasn't jaded. but the sad thing is that even when i find a time when i wasn't cynical about certain things, it was overshadowed by a million other things.

i've never been an optimist. never been an idealist.

i wonder what it's like.

Comments

Re: confucius-ali say...

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

well the whole point i was desperate for the fucked-up state was b/c i didn't want the hangover. oh my.