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hackthis_archivedo you remember what it was like when you believed in something? anything at all?
was it when you were five? or maybe fifteen. was it a sports team or a movie star? did you believe in fairy tales and unicorns, or did you believe in the monsters under your bed and the boogeyman in the closet?
have you always believed in good? have you always believed that there was something better out there? did you pray for someone to come and save your from yourself?
i used to believe. i know i did. i must've believed in me somewhere along the way, but i swear i used to believe in other people too. maybe i believed too much.
i keep cataloging my mind, my brain, trying to rack it and remember what it was like when i was younger and less cynical. less pessimistic. i keep trying to find a time when i wasn't jaded. but the sad thing is that even when i find a time when i wasn't cynical about certain things, it was overshadowed by a million other things.
i've never been an optimist. never been an idealist.
i wonder what it's like.
was it when you were five? or maybe fifteen. was it a sports team or a movie star? did you believe in fairy tales and unicorns, or did you believe in the monsters under your bed and the boogeyman in the closet?
have you always believed in good? have you always believed that there was something better out there? did you pray for someone to come and save your from yourself?
i used to believe. i know i did. i must've believed in me somewhere along the way, but i swear i used to believe in other people too. maybe i believed too much.
i keep cataloging my mind, my brain, trying to rack it and remember what it was like when i was younger and less cynical. less pessimistic. i keep trying to find a time when i wasn't jaded. but the sad thing is that even when i find a time when i wasn't cynical about certain things, it was overshadowed by a million other things.
i've never been an optimist. never been an idealist.
i wonder what it's like.
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no subject
Date: 2002-05-24 02:50 pm (UTC)In the long run I'm finding it's better to be a cynical optimist. Trust me...it is possible. For example...I believe that my cats love and adore me. But I know that at least once a week their little brains contemplate things like "I wonder how she'd taste on Melba toast." or "She's been so poor lately, let's screw up our gastrointestinal systems and force her to take us to the vet thereby resulting in her shelling out hundreds of dollars."
I don't think I can change your mind and make you an overnight believer or an optimist because...damn...that road leads to disappointment and disenchantment. Just believe in the bits and pieces of a person, place, idea, whatever. Who cares if some parts are shit...there's something there that you connect with, believe in. Not sure if this is going to make sense but I love Borders (sorry, corporate-ho here) but I avoid the gardening and religion section like they contain the plague. Some of my friends I treat the same way.
bla bla bla...I go on too much
confucius-ali say...
sometimes it freaks me out how smart you guys are. i was *at* borders the other day too, no, that was barnes and noble - it was good. i went to the philosophy section. i NEVER go to the philosophy section. i think this is an analogy for something. also, i got your voicemail. i was going to call but that seemed like a lot of hand eye coordination that i didn't have (i used it all up when my mum rang *snerk*)
Re: confucius-ali say...
Date: 2002-05-28 10:16 am (UTC)*ring*
*stoned ali lifts sofa cushions then looks at cats*
*ring*
*two brain-cells make a connection, ali lifts receiver and then marvels at beautiful design of phone*
*long pause*
Mom: Hello? Anybody there?
Me: Fuck! Is this god?
Mom: ?
*hands phone to cat*
Gizmo: ?
Re: confucius-ali say...
Date: 2002-05-28 10:39 am (UTC)Re: confucius-ali say...
Date: 2002-05-28 10:50 am (UTC)Re: confucius-ali say...
Date: 2002-05-28 11:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-24 04:01 pm (UTC)But first --- I've never believed in any of that stuff you mention above, not sports or stars, or fairy tales, or 'good', or gods.
Not me particularly either.
But what I do believe in is people. Humanity and human potential. There is vast posiblility in the variety. People can be deeply creative, compassionate, inventive and exciting. They can make joy and make love, and stories, which are really an expression of hope and goodwill, or of understanding.
Most things do suck mightily, and I am also a realist. Jaded and cynical are my overcoat and hat.
But although I have never been an idealist, I would say that I am an optimist. It's not that it ain't bad out there, it's that I *know* it can be better.
Fuck it babes, there is still you, me, our pals, their pals, and all the folk who ever wrote a pwp... not so bad after all!
so true
Date: 2002-05-28 09:09 am (UTC)you're right, baby, there is us and if we don't end the world then nothing will. *g*
no subject
Date: 2002-05-24 05:12 pm (UTC)God someone smack me, I sound like Glinda.
I loves you, z
no subject
ah. amazing how the other end of the weekend can make things look, innit?
Re:
Date: 2002-05-28 09:21 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-28 09:34 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-28 09:38 am (UTC)Note to self: train liver ahead of time for visiting with z...
*mwah*
Girl
Date: 2002-05-27 07:05 pm (UTC)First off, you are talented, beautiful, and *I* adore you.
Secondly, you have a job now, doesn't that count for something? Remember when you used to be depressed because you are unemployed? Now it's just the human condition getting you down. Join the club. You know what freedom is? Just tossing it all in and realizing NOTHING will ever make you happy. NOTHING. That means that you can stop thinking that the *next* thing will make it better, the what-ifs and if-Is. Just forget that shit.
Being an idealist and believing really make your life harder than easier. You always end up waking up and seeing that you were wrong, or the person you believed in was only human, or that people will always be starving. Do what you can, it doesn't have to bring world peace.
Am I bitter and cynical? HELL yes. I still do what I can for the my causes, even if I know it's doomed. I still love people and try to show it. You can be jaded and still eek out happiness.
my hetero-life mate is right...
Date: 2002-05-28 09:20 am (UTC)some really smart person once stated that 'people would be a lot happier if once they got what what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it in the first place.' i think it's a part of the human condition to want more than you have, to be always unsatisfied. or if not the human condition, then maybe it was the way i was raised, who the fuck knows. i know that the sentiment though is true, that the happiest i ever was was when i was happy with what i had, when i didn't want anything else. but now. wanting more is a recipe for disaster. ooooh, does that sound like drabble to anybody else?
Now it's just the human condition getting you down. Join the club. You know what freedom is? Just tossing it all in and realizing NOTHING will ever make you happy. NOTHING. That means that you can stop thinking that the *next* thing will make it better, the what-ifs and if-Is. Just forget that shit.
christ, kass. you really are in danger of me trying to clone you and make you a man. you know this right?
Being an idealist and believing really make your life harder than easier. You always end up waking up and seeing that you were wrong, or the person you believed in was only human, or that people will always be starving. Do what you can, it doesn't have to bring world peace.
if i had known 30 seconds of self-flagellation was all it took to get some self-serving love i'd've done it fucking years ago. *g* seriously though, i know what you're saying is true because those are my thoughts when i wake up 99.1% of the time. it's that other 0.9% that does my head in. those time when i wake up and hope for better and want more and wish the world was better and that disappointment was just a word. i get over it rather quickly.
Oh and
Date: 2002-05-27 07:09 pm (UTC)