*sigh*

[hackthis_archive]

do you remember what it was like when you believed in something? anything at all?

was it when you were five? or maybe fifteen. was it a sports team or a movie star? did you believe in fairy tales and unicorns, or did you believe in the monsters under your bed and the boogeyman in the closet?

have you always believed in good? have you always believed that there was something better out there? did you pray for someone to come and save your from yourself?

i used to believe. i know i did. i must've believed in me somewhere along the way, but i swear i used to believe in other people too. maybe i believed too much.

i keep cataloging my mind, my brain, trying to rack it and remember what it was like when i was younger and less cynical. less pessimistic. i keep trying to find a time when i wasn't jaded. but the sad thing is that even when i find a time when i wasn't cynical about certain things, it was overshadowed by a million other things.

i've never been an optimist. never been an idealist.

i wonder what it's like.

Comments

[spasticat.livejournal.com]

I have bouts of idealism. I think you know that. It gets me in trouble. It breaks my heart. But if you'd like to borrow a cup or two please feel free.

In the long run I'm finding it's better to be a cynical optimist. Trust me...it is possible. For example...I believe that my cats love and adore me. But I know that at least once a week their little brains contemplate things like "I wonder how she'd taste on Melba toast." or "She's been so poor lately, let's screw up our gastrointestinal systems and force her to take us to the vet thereby resulting in her shelling out hundreds of dollars."

I don't think I can change your mind and make you an overnight believer or an optimist because...damn...that road leads to disappointment and disenchantment. Just believe in the bits and pieces of a person, place, idea, whatever. Who cares if some parts are shit...there's something there that you connect with, believe in. Not sure if this is going to make sense but I love Borders (sorry, corporate-ho here) but I avoid the gardening and religion section like they contain the plague. Some of my friends I treat the same way.

bla bla bla...I go on too much

confucius-ali say...

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

Just believe in the bits and pieces of a person, place, idea, whatever. Who cares if some parts are shit...there's something there that you connect with, believe in. Not sure if this is going to make sense but I love Borders (sorry, corporate-ho here) but I avoid the gardening and religion section like they contain the plague. Some of my friends I treat the same way.

sometimes it freaks me out how smart you guys are. i was *at* borders the other day too, no, that was barnes and noble - it was good. i went to the philosophy section. i NEVER go to the philosophy section. i think this is an analogy for something. also, i got your voicemail. i was going to call but that seemed like a lot of hand eye coordination that i didn't have (i used it all up when my mum rang *snerk*)

Re: confucius-ali say...

[spasticat.livejournal.com]

Egads! And you were able to be coherent to her? If it were me the phone convo woulda gone like this:

*ring*

*stoned ali lifts sofa cushions then looks at cats*

*ring*

*two brain-cells make a connection, ali lifts receiver and then marvels at beautiful design of phone*

*long pause*

Mom: Hello? Anybody there?

Me: Fuck! Is this god?

Mom: ?

*hands phone to cat*

Gizmo: ?

Re: confucius-ali say...

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

i was coherant that much is clear. not much is clear about this weekend but that i didn't mess that up is good.

Re: confucius-ali say...

[spasticat.livejournal.com]

Hm...I wonder if you're like me...where the sober state is too close to the fucked-up state and thus both are interchangeable.

Re: confucius-ali say...

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

well the whole point i was desperate for the fucked-up state was b/c i didn't want the hangover. oh my.