idealists are the cruelest monsters of them all.

It's less than two weeks to the deadline to sign up to vote in the upcoming US election. I don't care if you don't normally vote or you think it doesn't matter (we can debate that another day) or if you're hiding out in a Canadian shack, please, I am begging you, it's more important to vote in this election than any other you might experience in your entire lifetime, for your sake, for the sake of your family and your job and your tax dollars and your uterus, or your sister's uterus or your daughter's uterus or for that brother you have in the military or the ex-boyfriend who went overseas, so please sign up to vote. Rock that Vote on November 4th. This is your time; have your say. So help me gay baby

[Poll #1269108]

1. The hottest sex scene George Clooney ever did was with Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight. Discuss.

2. Michael Phelps is not naked, you just think he is*. Discuss.

3. One of the things I have learned from playing sports/working out a lot and from pretty much everybody else I know who played sports, continues to play them or works out a lot (military/construction/you name it), is that when you spend upwards of 5-10+** hours a week exercising and you see what that does to your body, you want to flaunt that shit as much as possible. Clothing optional at all times. So, while the rest of the world is all, oh, Michael Phelps is exposed in his handkerchief Speedo, Michael's like yeah, whatevercakes, I earned the right to be naked whenever I want. How can one disagree? No discussion required.

ETA 3b. You know that thing after you workout crazy hard and you take a shower and you're either still sweating or you're too hot to put on clothes, but you have to? Yeah, hate that. Discuss.

4. Generation Kill is no longer available on On Demand. This was a BIG fucking shock to me the other night. The DVDs are coming out December 16th. What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime without my Ray-Ray? Discuss.

5. What country will you be moving to if the McCain/Palin ticket steal win the election? Discuss!

6. How badly will installing a pull-up bar ruin my doorframe? Opinions?

7. Where is the porn? DIRECT ME THERE.


*Thank you thorne_scratch

**Frankly, if I had the opportunity to work out for 10+ hours a week these days, you'd hear nothing but, "...and then I was streaking around town naked again..."

This story is dedicated to the interwebs, because they (and you) make everything possible. Especially the really cracked out shit.

Olympics RPS
Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte
Rated NC-17
Improv: noodles, squish, crystal, paper, cap

Random Acts of Crazy Behavior


( There's nothing rational about jealousy. )

So. Michael Phelps is going to be hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live tomorrow night. You might've heard somebody talking about it somewhere. But what I have just found out is that he's not alone. OH NO.

BARACK OBAMA IS HIS GUEST HOST!

Hi. I can't stand SNL. I have never found it amusing or entertaining. Frankly, I think it's all completely overrated. But I am ON this tomorrow night. If I weren't afraid of alcohol poisoning I might even make it a drinking game. One shot everytime Michael totally screws up and another shot when Barack does something awesome, like breathing*.

On a non-partisan note: US residents, please find out when your voter registration deadline is and go sign up to vote. Please. PLEASE?! 30% of the eligible US population votes in an given election, that means your ass is important, so, go be important. If you don't vote, you can't complain later. I'm for real here.


*I should state here that I kind of expect Michael to massively tank, but I told serialkarma that if I was wrong and he killed it, I would write him a sex-filled apology. I'm putting that down, let's see if he picks it up.

Sekrit aside to defamer_atom two days late: I LOVE YOU TOO! Keep posting the shout outs up the good work!

ETA: DEAR FLIST: This new Firefox upgrade is killing me. The dropdown bar for addresses is now just my bookmarks and I don't want that! How can I be switching it back so it gives previously visited sites, b/c I have trawled all over that toolbar and I can't find it anywhere. PLZ TO HALP?

I love new school military movies. Really. Like, I know a lot of people are all "gore, oh noes!" Or "Military, que boring" or "Violence is bad." To which I'm like, uh, maybe you are not paying attention to the breeding ground of hotass that military movies are, for example:

Two seconds of channel surfing When Were Soldiers produces both Sean McNamara from Nip/Tuck and Don Draper from Mad Men.

The HBO magnum opus Band of Brothers not only provided Damien Lewis of Life and Ron Livingston from Office Space, but also, Jamie Bamber (BSG), James McAvoy, Marc Warren (of every Beeb show ever), Donnie Walhberg, Dexter Fletcher, Kirk Acevedo (Alvarez from Oz), Malarky is now on ER, and Liebgott is going to marry Jennifer Love Hewitt, although, you know, that's not a real recommendation.ETA: And I forgot about Spiers! Holy shit, dude, Lt. Dan Spiers is like, Rambo does Batman! And he's played by Rufus on Gossip Girl. I know that seems weird, but way before he was Rufus he was Spiers, and damn, was he the man.

Saving Private Ryan brought you who? Matt Damon! And like, a lot of other people.

I don't even like Black Hawk Down, but it had Ewan Bremmer (Trainspotting), Eric Bana, Hugh Dancy, Ioan Gyrffund, fucking Jeremy Piven and Ewan McGregor.

The Thin Red Line had Adrian Brody, Jim Caveziel, GEORGE, it had GEORGE, Thomas Jane, Ben Chaplin and Alvarez from Oz again (Kirk was totally getting around, where is he now anyway?)

So, you know, the next time I shriek that the entire world must watch Generation Kill just remember its pedigree, not only is it whip-smart, horrifying and sickingly inappropriately with the laughs, but it's a military movie/series. I promise you, the guys are dead hot. Do you really need much else?



*This is not brought to you by the fact that sometimes I watch the Military Channel hungover. No. Not even.

ETA: It is very hard for me to detox from the Olympics when Michael fucking Phelps is every fucking where, because then I just feel compelled to watch and read when he's fondling strippers and making bets with supremely hot football players. Stupid boy! I do not want to write some story where Michael goes to Cleveland to visit Braylon and Ryan has a hissy fit, least of all because Ryan is so not the hissy fit type. He's very laidback about everything, but there might be some snarky blowback later on.

You write a story and you post it, and you think that you're done, and then it just keeps fucking talking to you, like, you wish you were done. So, here it is, the ending (finally) of what I'm (very) loosely calling the Rules & Republics Trilogy.

This final section is dedicated to lifeinwords, silentfire, strawberryelfsp and thisisbone for 'showing' me around the fine city of Gainesville. I couldn't have written this without your incredible assistance.


Olympics RPS
Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte
Rated NC-17

i. The Golden Rule ('When Zeus Met a Dolphin' Playlist)
ii. The One Chair Rule of Heterosexuality

The Person's Republic of Michael Phelps


( Boys will be boys. )

We all know I'm a fannish raccoon. If it's shiny to me, I will write about it until I find another piece of foil. Doesn't matter if it's brand-spanking (have I done a spanking fic? Wait, digression!) new or hanging out in the garbage. My current lust is the Olympics. Yeah, I know they over. In fact, let's have a brain dump about this:

1. So far we have i. The Golden Rule and ii. The One Chair Rule of Heterosexuality. I didn't think they were going to be connected, but now I think it's going to be a trilogy. Maybe I'll call it 'I'll Be on the Water' after the Akron and the Family song.

1a. I haz no more Olympics. This is causing me all kinds of withdrawl issues.

1b. This has not seemed to stop my desire to write Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte. It's kind of scary. I would apologize to sparky77, serialkarma, antheia and alethialia for my nonstop babble, but, I don't see much hardship in 'Oh look, I haz pictures of (mostly) naked men! Let me show you them!'

1c. People, come and talk to me about Gainesville, Florida. (Stop doing the victory dance alethialia). Tell me what typical houses are like. One level or two? Layouts? Pools? Where do people skateboard? What's the weather like? Where's the best cheap food? What do you do at three a.m.? How far from the beach? Where would you go to hear live music and *not* be seen? How long does it take to get to Daytona if you're commuting to your swim club? What's the airport like? What are the town quirks? Random factoids? I'm assuming a lot of Ryan's life (including his home) is near the university. what's that neighborhood like? I'd rather you tell me more than less, so I have things to choose from.

1d. sparky77 loves me a lot.

1e. While we're on the subject of the Olympics. I've been trying not to get all fandom involved, BUT, I highly recommend reading the following three stories:

* four times ryan watched michael touch other swimmers by lifescript. a story about jealousy and observation and boys doing that crap they do.

* right at home by canarycreams, where Michael and Ryan go to Puerto Rico and swim. And smoke some weed. And have some sex. And you laugh your ass off the entire time.

* Scaly Dicks by thorne_scrach, which is a WIP (but really does work on its own) about Michael waking up with scales on his dick. No, I couldn't even make that one up. She also wrote about Michael's mom marrying Ian Thorpe. I kind of died.

1f. What the fuck is up with Ryan and lizards and snakes? Does he have a fear of them, because I've read at least two stories where he was woken up suddenly and was like 'no snakes!'


2. I have seen 'Bomb in the Garden' (1.07 Generation Kill), but I can't talk about it yet, because that would be admitting that there is no more coming and that makes the baby Ari really fucking depressed. FYI: There is a buy one get one 1/2 price sale happening at HBO.com, too, so, if you buy some stuff...

3. I've been given to undestand that the only three network shows I watch (Chuck, Gossip Girl and The Sarah Connor Chronicles) are going to be on a the same fucking time (Mon, 8p). Way to fail networks!

People need to get down and kiss Jason Lezak's ass. Or his biceps. Whatever works for you.

ANYROAD. So. Yeah. I wrote this, but it was totally a group effort of OMG!Look. To that end I would like to thank (in alphabetical order): alethialia, amberlynne, lyra_sena, them0rgue, serialkarma, sparky77 and thorne_scratch. Going to hell is a group activity.


Olympics RPS
Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte, Michael/Ian Thorpe & Michael/Ian Crocker
Rated NC17 Crack!
Disclaimer: If I'm going to hell, I'm pulling out all the stops.

The Golden Rule ('When Zeus Met a Dolphin' Playlist)


( He who has the gold makes the rules. )

1. I dropped a plate this afternoon. In fact, I saw it happening right before it happened. The shattered pieces mostly congregated in the same place on the floor -- except for the piece that jumped up 5'6 inches to land on my lip. Yeah, I dunno either. I really thought it was going to end with stitches, but no, just a slight scratch. It's been that sort of week.

2 & 3 ( Some spoilery swimming observations that obviously couldn't wait until I had slept first. It's a Gay Conspiracy, yo. )

4. I was sort of trying to avoid evade hide from that Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte slash, but then thorn_scratch was all look at the gay! They do photo shoots of lust and interviews and whatnot! I shall prevail. Oh, who am I kidding?

5. I have to say, I had no idea that Water Polo was so damn violent. Every time I try to surf by though, somebody's choking somebody else or somebody looks like they just came out of a night of Fight Club. Damn, people.

6. Dear Psych,

You are so much more awesome this season than you were last season. It's like somebody put the show in a Fast Skin suit and said, "Thou Shalt Be as Gay as the Olympic Male Swimmers!"

And lo, it was all good.

See this? That's your set up.

For jenna_thorn and amberlynne, who put a name with a body. A really hot body.

Olympics RPS
Sebastien Bodet/Clement Lefert, NC17
Does this really need a crack! disclaimer?

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?


( It's swimming porn; let's not pretend otherwise. )